Is this taking the easy way out? Is that a bad thing?

[Wolfcat]

Ok, here's the situation:

I left my bf while I was pg with DD (DD is 3 mo, DS is 4 yo). The reason I left him is because he's, well, too immature. We parted on very good terms, though he "clung" for a while. Soon after the breakup, he had to go back to his home-state to take care of a warrant for unpaid taxes. He had wanted me to "take care of him" by taking his money and saving it for him...

The point is, he's not a bad person, just juvenile, and we still talk. He wants to be a part of our lives (me, DD [his], and DS [not his]). He hasn't been able to get a job, his apprenticeship fell through and he dropped college when he left.

So, I'm thinking of asking him to move in to help take care of things. As a single mom of two, working full time, I'm just finding it hard to do more than keep up. I need to CATCH up. If I don't ask him, I'll prolly find someone who wants a few hours a week to help out.

If he moves in, we will very likely have a sexual relationship. We will also need to (quickly) find a bigger place, since my apartment barely holds me and the kids.

So my question is, do you think that I would be compromising too much by doing this? Bad idea? or should I take this advantageous situation and run like a banshee?

[PoppyMama]

that sounds like a poor idea...but i think you know that. Be friends and coparents...not lovers and roommates.
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[meemee]

yup yup bad BAD idea - esp when he is so clingy. it will be v. v. difficult to have set boundaries and it will mean way more emotional turmoil for you.

it is a bad idea whether you had children or not.

no way. absolutely not.

one of the things about single motherhood that i have learnt is that sometimes 'hell' comes in the guise of a 'helping hand' situation. like yours. you have to keep your head straight and refuse and choose the harder path because in the long run, it is the less painful and easier way to do it.

[Theia]

Originally Posted by meemee

yup yup bad BAD idea - esp when he is so clingy. it will be v. v. difficult to have set boundaries and it will mean way more emotional turmoil for you.

it is a bad idea whether you had children or not.

no way. absolutely not.

one of the things about single motherhood that i have learnt is that sometimes 'hell' comes in the guise of a 'helping hand' situation. like yours. you have to keep your head straight and refuse and choose the harder path because in the long run, it is the less painful and easier way to do it.

Especially the part about what is best for the long run.

[LorenaAZ]

I agree with all the PPs. You`d be better off hiring someone for a few hours a week.

[doubledutch]

yep. what everyone else already said. it sounds like you know that, and have thought of an alternative. there may also be a lot of other alternatives, too. does he live close enough to take the kids out for a few hours on a saturday or sunday? he can be part of your lives without there being a romantic relationship.

another thing i like to keep in mind is the saying, "begin with the end in mind." think about what you want in life, where you want to be in five years, and weigh each decision in terms of whether it helps or hurts you in getting there. if you would like to someday be in a relationship with a mature man who will be a good partner to you, asking this guy to move in would prevent that from being a possibility. if you want to model self-esteem, self-respect and healthy boundaries, don't have sex with someone you don't want and don't respect in exchange for a little (probably unreliable) help around the house.

and anyway . . . he sounds like he would be more work than actual help.

[Wolfcat]

He lives about 14 hours away. He's thinking of moving back in state, but he'd still be 3 hours away.

And to clarify, I didn't leave him because I didn't want or respect him. I left him because I didn't think I could teach him how to be an independent person while raising the kids. Plus, at the time, he lived 3 hours away and that was a heck of a hassle to get together.

Essentially, he's too young and naive to be able to meet my expectations.

[MissLotus]

It sounds like his presence in your home would create a lot more work, not help you to catch up. You already have two children... I mean, having a man who doesn't know how to be an independent person doesn't sound very appealing.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by Wolfcat

Essentially, he's too young and naive to be able to meet my expectations.

Then it sounds like the answer is obvious- don't get tangled up with him more than you already are. If he moves 3 hours away and you guys start seeing each other and you see that he's really grown up and he's responsible and whatnot THEN you can consider building that relationship again. But why jump into the deep end when you don't know what you're getting into?

[doubledutch]

also, 3 hours is not too far for him to co-parent eow. i live 2 hrs 45 minutes from a large metro area, and lots of parents share custody between these two locations. mine did.