sort of spin off - ask how they feel or tell them how to feel?

[GoBecGo]

So i was posting on the silent treatment thread, and read a few comments on how little kids need a LOT of help dealing with emotions, because those emotions are big and unfamiliar and frightening.

I am a bit torn on this. One part of thinks yes, if a child is upset one should attend to the level of upset they feel, but another part of me thinks MY reaction is part of what they use to learn HOW to react to things that happen, so shouldn't i be trying to put it in perspective for them instead?

My examples are sloppy and i'm not sold on either approach, i just wanted to talk about it with you other guys, so here goes:

When i take my DD1 for vaccinations she doesn't like them, because hey - they hurt! I tend to hold her tight, kiss her, tell her why i'm having the vaccinations done and encourage her to be brave about it. I would never say "it doesn't hurt" or "don't be silly" but i DO say "it'll only hurt for a second" and "ok, let's go and do X (whatever fun thing we have planned" rather than discussing her upset in the aftermath. Whenever her bio-dad comes along she gets HYSTERICAL because he will respond to "will it hurt" with "yes" and a worried look. He seems to hype her up by getting caught up in HER emotional responses to what is happening, and panicking with her until she's really upset.

He will spend hours comforting her over something small that i would have dismissed after an initial moment of sympathy and she just seems to get more and more upset. I let her rant on but i tend not to engage.

I am noticing now that i do this even with my baby - if she cries i hold and cuddle her and whisper to her "you're ok baby, you're alright" and i can feel her relax as i do so, as she calms down. Whereas when DD1 was a baby XP used to hold her rigidly and say over and over "what's wrong!?" and intermittently yell at me "WHAT'S wrong with her!?" and she would get more and more upset.

I suppose i am leaning towards indicating how tragic/horrific/painful/sad something is by my own reaction. I.e. when you get a splinter i can't even see you will get a hug, some cream and that's about it, whereas i would give a long cuddle for a bad fall or cut.

So, should we be validating massive devastation over a small setback? Or should we be tempering our response to the magnitude of the event?

[bonamarq]

I think you have answered your own question, at least in terms of what works for your dc. I definitely think that kids look to US for how to react - you see it often, toddler falls down, someone practically FREAKS OUT - and the child begins to cry after reading that adult's response - IMO better to see the child's reaction and if they even NEED comfort - then if they do, offer comfort and empathy - lot's of times nothing more then a lap to sit on for a bit without much talking - maybe just some soft singing?

One thing I would be wary of tho is minimizing another person's (and esp my dc's) emotions. We are very dismissive of strong emotions in this society and often SO QUICK to push people, esp kids, to just get over it (anyone have a miscarriage they were told to "just get over it and try again" ? - geez!)

I do think it's helpful tho for young children if we give them names for what we see - "wow, you look really frustrated there," or "I can see you are really angry about this"

For older children it gets a bit more tricky in that you don't want to incorrectly label their feelings for them - and so often the situations causing the upset are a bit more complicated so it's tougher to discern 'frustration' from 'anger' and 'disappointment' - if they are having trouble expressing it or I want to show empathy I might say "I'd be really _______ if that happened to me." If I remember correctly How to talk so kids will listen has a good chapter on this....

From your examples tho - seems like you are the steady rock and calming influence where xp's own anxieties can do more to amp up the situation which is rarely a good thing

[ssh]

Comforting someone is about supporting them while they recover from an upset not making it worse. When a child is too young to name or sometimes even identify their own emotions it helps to label them for the child. Once they are able to tell you how they feel, listening, sympathizing and reassuring helps more. If you just sympathize without reassuring then you are just focusing on negatives.

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by bonamarq

I definitely think that kids look to US for how to react - you see it often, toddler falls down, someone practically FREAKS OUT - and the child begins to cry after reading that adult's response - IMO better to see the child's reaction and if they even NEED comfort - then if they do, offer comfort and empathy - lot's of times nothing more then a lap to sit on for a bit without much talking - maybe just some soft singing?

Also I remember I would ask my son, "Do you need more words?" if he seemed to be having a hard time expressing himself. Acknowledging that he didn't have the right words to hand eased the frustration and allowed us to figure out just what he was feeling together.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

So i was posting on the silent treatment thread, and read a few comments on how little kids need a LOT of help dealing with emotions, because those emotions are big and unfamiliar and frightening.

I am a bit torn on this. One part of thinks yes, if a child is upset one should attend to the level of upset they feel, but another part of me thinks MY reaction is part of what they use to learn HOW to react to things that happen, so shouldn't i be trying to put it in perspective for them instead?

IMO, putting it into perspective for them is helping them deal with it. It's helping them understand that these emotions that are big and scary for them aren't that big and scary for mom and dad.

I believe the jargon word for this is 'co-regulation'. Infants and toddlers rely on us to help regulate themselves. Essentially, they're using our ability to regulate/assess the situation to help themselves calm down.

This is one reason why I feel very strongly that parents should allow kids to feel these emotions. I have known a couple of parents whose major fear was that their child was going to have a tantrum. They went to great lengths to prevent meltdowns. I couldn't help but wonder if they were teaching their child that these emotions are so scary that mom and dad would do anything to avoid them.

The same can be said of parents who look at an obviously upset child and say "oh, you're fine" without discussing it at all. That's also sweeping the emotions under the rug.

For me, the key is trying to allow them to experience the emotions without getting sucked into them myself necessarily. If I can't regulate myself, then they can't either. It's frighteningly hard to do at times.

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

if she cries i hold and cuddle her and whisper to her "you're ok baby, you're alright" and i can feel her relax as i do so, as she calms down.

I usually say "it's OK" rather than "you're OK". I can't know if she's OK, but I can tell her that the situation is OK. And she's calming down because you're calm and helping her do that.

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

So, should we be validating massive devastation over a small setback? Or should we be tempering our response to the magnitude of the event?

Well, the magnitude of the event may depend on the child. Our dd needs to have connection to process emotional upsets. Usually, it's something I would consider 'minor', like the older kids not letting her play the role she wants to play in a game. In her mind she should be the leader of all things.

Even though I consider it minor, she's really upset by it. So, she'll cuddle in my arms. She'll wail about the unfairness of it all and cry for a bit. I'll say something like "you sound really frustrated/upset/disappointed (or whatever I've divined as the underlying problem)". Usually, my helping her label her emotion sets off another round of wailing. When she thinks about it again, she's upset all over again. But, this labeling and snuggling while she wails helps her get over it.

The times when I can't help her regulate (I'm too busy, too worn down to react calmly), she'll go on and on and on about this minor thing. So, acknowledging it and letting her process the emotions with my help really does help her regulate her emotions much better. When I can't do that, she has a much harder time.

Telling her it's a minor thing and trying to move her on before she's ready does not help. Accepting that she needs to cry for longer than I'd like to listen to her does. I don't wallow in it with her, but I also can't move her through the emotion faster than she's ready to move. It can be maddening. And sometimes I have to send her to her room to work it out and cuddle afterward because I'm out of time/resources. In my ideal world, I'd be able to help her through all the time. But I don't live in an ideal world, so some days she has to deal on her own. Maybe that's a good learning process, I dunno.

Originally Posted by bonamarq

One thing I would be wary of tho is minimizing another person's (and esp my dc's) emotions. We are very dismissive of strong emotions in this society and often SO QUICK to push people, esp kids, to just get over it (anyone have a miscarriage they were told to "just get over it and try again" ? - geez!)

I do think it's helpful tho for young children if we give them names for what we see - "wow, you look really frustrated there," or "I can see you are really angry about this"

For older children it gets a bit more tricky in that you don't want to incorrectly label their feelings for them - and so often the situations causing the upset are a bit more complicated so it's tougher to discern 'frustration' from 'anger' and 'disappointment' - if they are having trouble expressing it or I want to show empathy I might say "I'd be really _______ if that happened to me." If I remember correctly How to talk so kids will listen has a good chapter on this....

I agree wholeheartedly.

When ds was 2, he was deathly afraid of loud noises and anything that startled him. At the beginning of the summer, the only word that he had to process those noises was "scared". It helped him tremendously to learn the words "startled" and "surprised" along with "scared". By the end of the summer when he was startled by something, I could say "wow, that startled me too" and he'd start to calm down. He'd learned that 'startle' was a momentary thing but not lasting fear. The words enabled him to understand the concept and the context. He'd even begun to say things like 'that 'prised me'. He was still scared of plenty of things, but he was beginning to be able to regulate a bit.

I use the phrase "I'd be really _______ if that happened to me." a lot too. Along with, "I feel ____________ when that happens" (mad/embarrassed/guilty)." The second line really helps my kids understand that everyone has these emotions. Very often they'll stop and ask me when something like that happened to me. It's a great way to illustrate the point and they love the family stories.