husband unsure about Bradley...

[BarefootGirl]

Hi everyone, I hope this is the right place for my question. I am due Dec 1 with my first baby and planning to birth in a natural-birth-friendly hospital with a midwife and may possibly be having a water birth. My midwife has recommended Bradley classes. They sounds great to me, however my husband is concerned about the "husband-coached" aspect. He is worried he won't be a good support for me, won't be confident, helpful, etc during the birth. He thinks we should skip the classes and have a doula instead. We cannot afford both.

What should we do? I am thinking the classes would still be very helpful to me whether or not DH is able to be a good coach or not, but would it be better to just have a doula instead? Also, are Bradley classes compatible with water birth or would some other type of class or workshop be more appropriate? If I skip the classes and get a doula, should I try something like hypnobabies as an alternative to classes?

I have read "The Birth Partner" and "The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth" as well as other pregnancy books, so I won't be going into the birth totally blind whatever I do, but I want to be as prepared as I can be.

[WifeofAnt]

Our doula is our childbirth educator too so she's giving us a discount for getting both. She requires that her clients take at least a basic childbirth class though, even if we just go to a free one day type thing. Maybe you could find something similar in your area?

[fruitfulmomma]

He is worried he won't be a good support for me, won't be confident, helpful, etc during the birth. He thinks we should skip the classes and have a doula instead. We cannot afford both.

Well the point of the classes is to help him be confident in his ability to support you, as well as for you to be confident in your ability to birth naturally.

If he asked my husband he would get an absolutely yes take the classes response.

The classes don't deal with water birth specifically, but I wouldn't say they aren't compatible.

[philomom]

The Bradley classes are like a college class in childbirth. He will be prepared to be your main support person after taking the class.

I personally didn't think of my hubby as my coach but my partner. A well -trained hubby is all the doula I will ever need.I had fabulous natural childbirths in the hospital with my hubby and my beloved CNM.

[GOPLawyer]

JMO but I would hire a doula and get the Bradley book.

If you do the classes, you'll have only the classes.

If you get the doula and the book (working on the book w/ your husband), you'll get as close to having both as you can.

[Catherine12]

Full disclosure: I am in the process of becoming a Bradley teacher.

One thing to consider is whether you plan to have more kids. If you take Bradley classes, your dh will essentially learn to perform the role of doula for you. Then in subsequent births, he can act as your birth support person and you won't have to shell out for either classes or doula - just review what you already learned.

Another reason to consider taking the classes is that they may prepare your dh so that he can have a better experience - rather than being frightened and unprepared, not understanding what you're going through, and not able to help. Birth can be empowering for fathers too.

[MegBoz]

Tough one.
Catherine brings up a great point about future births.
I'd say consider his personality. Is he a strong personality? Is he going to be able to speak up for you, stand up for your rights, resist the "authority" of the nurses if they start to pressure you with things you don't want? Is he comfortable with the whole idea of the situation- you being in pain, blood, potentially poop etc.? Or does he think he'll have trouble coping with seeing you in pain (i.e. feel bad & feel like you should be given relief from your pain?)

The simple fact of the matter is that not every DH is cut out to be a good birth partner. I absolutely DO NOT THINK That is a bad reflection on him as a man, as a future father, and as a husband. It's just NOT a job that everyone is up for. AND THAT IS OK! So if you and he have any doubts about his ability due to the above issues (resistance to authority, standing up to strangers, seeing his wife in pain, continuing to offer positive encouragement if you may say "I can't do this", blood, etc.) then I'd reconsider classes & opt for reading + doula.

If, however, his doubts are primarily only due to his concern that, "I don't know enough, I won't be able to learn everything to get up to speed" well, go with classes! It's 12 full weeks! & if he does his homework, he WILL be able to learn. As a PP said, it's like a college course in birth!

I remember asking my DH if, upon seeing me in pain, he might feel bad & feel tempted to help me relieve it & "protect me" with an epidural. he gave me an absolutely, emphatic, "No." His answer was instant & 100% confident. He didn't like the idea of the needle in my spine & he also knew that it's not the same as the pain I'd had from ear infections or slamming my hand in the car door (I can be a klutz!) That, in addition to his seriously cool-head, strong sense of common sense, confidence, overall intelligence, and no problem "standing up to" & "resisting" authority made me completely confident in his ability.

Oh, and PS - a MW who recommends Bradley is fantastic!

[mamatoElias]

Originally Posted by GOPLawyer

JMO but I would hire a doula and get the Bradley book.

If you do the classes, you'll have only the classes.

If you get the doula and the book (working on the book w/ your husband), you'll get as close to having both as you can.

I think it is a lot to ask of a guy who has probably never even seen a birth before to "coach" you through labor. A doula can help support you and/or help support dad while he supports you. My husband was great during my boy's births. And I didn't want him out of my sight- I NEEDED him there. But he was a bit overwhelmed himself and I also needed the support of women. Another option would be to invite a good friend or a family member who you think would be a good support person to your birth. That way you would be able to take the Bradley class and your husband would still have back-up.

[Banana731]

So I know my siggy says that I am a doula, but I writing this as a mom.

How much do you believe in "natural childbirth friendliness" the hospital you are going to?

You will both learn a lot in a Bradley class, but you don't truly practice it, anf you've never experienced it. A doula learns a lot and then practices, and practices, and practices...

You may also be able find a class for much less if you look around. Then you could do both. Maybe from someone working to cert as a CBE. Any class that is heavily informed consent based will give you a lot of info about the labor process, and standard of practice in most hospitals. You can also learn that stuff by reading.

FWIW I took Bradley classes with my 1st pregnancy. I loved my teacher, we both learned a lot. They were great classes. We felt really prepared to have a natural birth in the hospital. However, if I could go back in time I would have definitely would have chosen a doula instead, in a heartbeat. There is no question in my mind that a doula would have been more valuable to me.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Catherine12

. If you take Bradley classes, your dh will essentially learn to perform the role of doula for you. Then in subsequent births, he can act as your birth support person and you won't have to shell out for either classes or doula - just review what you already learned.
Birth can be empowering for fathers too.

Thank you, thank you. I've been saying something similar for years. The birth of our children was peak experience for BOTH of us.

[BarefootGirl]

Thanks so much everyone! I will be sharing the suggestions with my DH tonight and see what he thinks.

I do pretty much trust the hospital's natural-birth-friendliness in that I trust the midwife and this is the hospital she recommends based on what I want (of the three hospitals she delivers at). Certainly it's not going to be like a homebirth, but the midwife has assured me that I can birth in whatever position I want, have freedom of movement, no pain meds, and no separation of mother and baby, etc so long as there are no major complications.

[Beccadoula]

You should explain to him that he doesn't have to do any coaching, but Bradley is probably the best class for preparing the dad. Get a good doula and tell him that he needs to be involved either way, but the class will help him feel more ready and able.

[Sudonk]

Bradley is very good at preparing dads, but as MegBoz points out, not all dads are going to make good birth partners. Chances are, he'd do much better than he thinks, but it still a huge burden to put on a father at a very vulnerable time, if he's just not sure about it. Childbirth classes can teach dads to be great birth partners, but no class can teach a dad to be a doula, unless it includes several live training births. One of the main benefits of having a doula for first time parents is seeing that the person who has witnessed births before isn't freaking out! LOL! Seriously, I remember distinctly during my first birth that something would happen and my husband and I would instinctively glance at our doula and see that she was smiling and calm. That was priceless, and not something that comes from a class, but rather through experience.

Personally, I think that a combination of Hypnobabies (including the "Birth Partner Relax, be Confident" CD) and a doula would be the best approach under the circumstances. The benefit of learning Hypnobabies is that while it does an equally wonderful job of training birth partners, mom can use it on her own if she chooses to, or if she simply doesn't have a competent (or any) birth partner. That way, there is far less pressure on your husband and if he feels less pressure, he may even be more involved.

[Turquesa]

What about Bradley classes and a student doula? Student doulas are usually free and eager to get their hours in.

[BarefootGirl]

Thanks everyone for the responses! We are leaning towards the doula option right now, though I am hoping to get DH to do some more reading so he is better informed anyway. After more talking with DH, he's told me that he is more concerned with wanting someone there who IS experienced so he doesn't have ALL the responsibility/pressure to try to do everything I need. So there's more to it than I originally thought. If I am able to find a doula in training that will be less expensive, we may be able to do both anyway. I appreciate the advice from all of you. It is actually helping me to understand that DH may not be able to meet my needs as a birth partner - and that's okay.

[Sudonk]

I'm glad you're working toward a resolution that makes you both happy, Lori!

[billikengirl]

The value *we* got out of the Bradley class was that my husband understood what was going on in labor and finally knew WHY I was so keen on having an unmedicated childbirth. He wouldn't read the books, so I dragged his a** to classes. I think it would have been even more important for him to buy in to my reasons for wanting unmedicated birth if we'd been birthing in a hospital--where he might have been in a position defending my birth space from the "experts" who didn't value my preferences.

[thencamehenry]

Congratulations on your baby

I took Bradley classes and used my instructor as my doula. I probably would have been fine without a doula (except that not letting her down in some weird way was the main reason I didn't beg for an epidural!). But you don't know until you do it. It's a tough call. Have you condsidered looking for a doula-in-training? There's one here who is working on her DONA certification and she is offereing free services to patients at my OB's office to help her get her requisite number of births.

As for a doula helping with the hospital staff... Mine didn't really need to, thanks to what I learned in her class about birth in general, specific interventions, and informed consent. I'm sure she would have stepped in if need be, but my husband and I did just fine refusing completely unnecessary internal monitoring on our own. I think going through the Bradley classes helped my husband support me in that instead of freaking out and caving to the nurse.

Will your husband read all the books and truly educate himself? If so, I'd go doula. If not I'd go classes. Ideally you could barter or find a bargain for one or the other so you can have both.

Just asked my husband and he said classes all the way, for what that's worth.

Best of luck to you and your husband.

[JudiAU]

Well...some husbands can and some husbands can't. It is a myth that they all rise to the occasion and perform beautifully. He might or might not. My doesn't. I'd choose a doula any day and honestly, am sure he is even helpful in the room.

How does DH handle pain generally? DH can't stand to see pain, every ache needs a tylenol etc. He handled reading a book a lot better than talking about it.

[TifosiGirl]

Originally Posted by fruitfulmomma

If he asked my husband he would get an absolutely yes take the classes response.

Same here. My husband LOVED the classes; far more than I ever imagined he would. I did too.

As far as picking one or the other, that's tough. We're having a doula and took Bradley but you said that's not an option. I think the Bradley book + doula idea is WONDERFUL and if your husband actively reads it with you, that's as close to the best of both worlds that you can get!!

Lots of luck to you guys - how exciting!