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I don't get to have a life apparently.

post #1 of 64
Thread Starter 
(I am really, really angry right now and lashing out, so there will be extreme statements written.)

I am so over having spirited children. I don't want kids if this is how it's going to be. Yesterday and today I tried to take an early morning walk with some other moms. Not working! My kids can't even sit for an hour in the stroller without getting so wound up and out of control. The rest of the day is just poop!! No one listens, no one cooperates, I yell, I distance myself mentally, kids start peeing on the floor, things get broken, etc. All because I wanted a bit of exercise so I don't feel like a tired, fat, broken old woman.

Why can't I have anything? Why do I have to spend all morning (literally 3 or 4 hours) at the playground so the kids get all their excess energy out just so we can go to the grocery store or read books or not pee on the floor?????? When do I get to do anything else? I don't enjoy standing there in the hot sun watching the kids play. If I so much as pick up a book, both are in my face wanting something when both were perfectly content not two seconds before.

I just want to scream!!!! I don't like this AT ALL. I hate that this seems to be the only thing that makes the day go smoother because I get nothing, nothing. No time to myself. I do all the parenting 24/7, though husband tries to parent on the weekends. Where are you for an hour in the morning so I can go pee by myself or shower or go for a walk????? Oh that's right, in bed, because you stayed up til 2 a.m. playing W.O.W.

I am so, so angry right now. It's just another poopy day that is not getting better and I feel like I have to sacrifice everything, everything and no one else does, just to make sure the kids don't drive the entire world into a tailspin tantrum.

I HATE MY LIFE! :a ngry
post #2 of 64
I have been there, and mine aren't as close in age, and only one is spirited, and she's the one who is old enough where it isn't quite so big a deal anymore.

And when my husband is sleeping in, it's because he's been working till 2 am, not playing games.



I don't blame you for venting at all, mama!
post #3 of 64
You have two babies: 3 and 1. No, honestly, you don't get to "have a life" until they get a little bigger.

If your partner (who also doesn't get to have a life right now) isn't helping, you may want to consider marriage counseling.

It gets easier when they get bigger, but it's still a 24/7 committment until the last one is out of the house.

You can scream and fight it or enjoy it while it lasts. If you can't enjoy it, you may want to get some more help, practical or emotional. Unless this vent is a once in a blue moon occurence, you could miss all the good stuff, which would be sad.
post #4 of 64
Hugs and hugs to you, Mama! Gad, those days are the WORST! You just want to run away... far, far away. I remember seeing a Dr. Phil episode about a young mother who ran away from home with some guy and thought "Duh! Who could blame her??" (she came back soon after, but I totally got the sentiment).


Our lives are a lot like Groundhog Day. It may look like nothing from the outside, but it's so draining sometimes. And there are some days where you look in the mirror, see a mess of hair, bags under your eyes, last-year's clothes that don't quite fit, and teeth that need flossing, and you think "Where the hell did I go, exactly?"

So vent away!!!! It can only get better right? One day soon, one day soon...
post #5 of 64
I'm sorry your DH isn't helping out more. Just an hour a day in the evening and a couple of hours on the weekend would make you feel better. They do get alot better as they get older, but at 1 and 3 you still have a long time.
post #6 of 64


Have you talked to your husband about pitching in more? Toddlers are so difficult--and I only have one! I'm actually pretty terrified of what it's going to be like when mine are the same age as yours. But my DH is really good about making sure I get at least a little time every day to myself, whether it's to shower or take a walk or just sit in a quiet room with a good book and a cup of hot tea. Without that time to myself, I'd be a total mess! I can't imagine how tired you must be.
post #7 of 64
Maybe... if a 3 and 1yo can't get to an appropriate place to pee, they need to be wearing diapers or pull-ups? Seriously.

And otherwise... what sort of structure do they have?
post #8 of 64
Thread Starter 
I agree, it would be incredibly sad if I missed all the good stuff. I think I have this vent about every six weeks or so. I get in a good groove and then try to adjust it just a bit to add something I want to do in and it just backfires so horribly!

I haven't got any good examples in my real life of parenting spirited kids. Other mothers try to commiserate that they too have high-energy kids but I'm sorry, if your two can sit contentedly in the stroller for an hour and then go home and take a nap, that's not high-energy in my book.

I also don't have any good examples of ap parenting in real life. My one friend that has children (one a few months older than G, one a few months younger than E) gets to go out nearly every weekend with friends. She goes on dates with her husband constantly. But she also dumps the kids on the grandparents all the time, quit part-time breastfeeding at six months, parks the kids in front of the tv, etc. Stuff I just don't want to do even if it means I get 30 minutes to do yoga or knit or read.

I sometimes feel that I am the only mother in the world who has to be 'on' 24/7. I'm having such a bad day. Thank goodness there is a tomorrow! And if there isn't, well, that still solves the bad day, doesn't it? *sigh*
post #9 of 64
I completely understand!!! I have days like that almost every day. I have a 3 year old, almost 2 year old, and a 6 month old. The older two are crazy! They have so much energy, and they completely destroy my house. It seems like I am CONSTANTLY cleaning, doing laundry, doing dishes making them food, or being referee! They fight ALL the time when they are together! On top of that I have the baby to take care of. Oh and my husband is deployed too, so it is on me 24/7. It's stressful!

I recently have gotten a membership to our YMCA, and it has been GREAT! They have a daycare on site that you can use for 2 hours per day for free, and after 2 hours it is $2 per hour. A friend and I go almost every day and exercise. There is also a pool, so I can drop off the baby and take the older two swimming, or drop them all off and actually get to swim by myself. If you have a YMCA in your town, I'd highly recommend it!
post #10 of 64
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post
Maybe... if a 3 and 1yo can't get to an appropriate place to pee, they need to be wearing diapers or pull-ups? Seriously.

And otherwise... what sort of structure do they have?
We're okay without diapers 95% of the time. G only has pee misses if he's too wired to pay attention to his body (which would be today!). E only has misses if I'm not paying attention to her signals (which would also be today!).

As to structure, this is what we do which leads to a good day:

7:30 wake up, shower/dress, breakfast/nursing
9:30 arrive at playground (outside usually, if too humid or raining, it's inside)
11:30 go home, clean up, snack because I almost always forget to bring it
12:30 lunch, nursing/nap for E, quiet playtime/reading for G
2:30/3:00 snack, errands (usually just one - grocery store or library, not both for example)
5:30/6:00 dinner, walk after dinner, clean up toys
7:00 brush teeth, read stories, sing, nursing to sleep for E
8:30 I sneak out of bed and do whatever until I start falling asleep
11:30 lay in bed wide awake until E wakes up to nurse, bring her into bed and fall asleep

It ain't great. I hate being so structured that I feel inflexible because then I buck against the system. I can't seem to fit in new activities without the whole thing falling apart, such as yesterday and today.
post #11 of 64
I feel your pain. I have four under four and I want to run down the street screaming some days.
post #12 of 64
Your schedule looks pretty much the norm to me, and if that leads to a good day, then why not just do that all the time? I think if you wanted to have more flexibility you could just make the snacks and the naptimes on point and then the rest could be whatever you like. I do find that if I am on with snacks and naptime, then it curbs hyperness/fussiness. When you go to the park, and you do remember to bring a snack, do you find that helps?
post #13 of 64
You say your kids are high energy. Have you read Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Kurcinka? I found it very helpful. My DD would only sit in a stroller when her legs were very tired and I was walking fast. It was never for an hour. Things got easier as she approached 4, and now at 4.5 we can really enjoy restaurants and baseball games and other things that involve sitting for awhile. She doesn't exactly sit still but we're not up and down the whole time either.
post #14 of 64
I completely disagree that with a 3 and 1 year old the OP doesn't get to have a life. I'm sorry, I saw what happened to my mom who did that and I was not happier for it. She was always anxiety ridden, never bought herself a thing, would cry when her last bra ripped because the anxiety of juggling two demanding kids and buying a new bra tired her out. She also worked full time and catered to my very childlike dad. The 1 and 4 year old became 4 and 8 year olds and then on and so forth and that pattern never stopped.

I DO think, OP, you need a break. I think you are at your breaking point. You do deserve an hour per day to yourself. WAKE DH UP. DEMAND HELP. He cannot live with you and not see your struggles. He doesn't get to have leisure time till 2 am then sleep in because he is "tired". He forfeits sleep by staying up till 2.

In the am, I put DD2 in her pack and play with toys, I put on a DVD for DD1 in her room and remove any hazards or mess makers, I put a pull up on DD1 i I think she might have an accident and then I get in the bathroom and shut and lock the door. When crapping alone is a luxury, there is a problem. I then open the door and take a shower with my music on. DD2 is safe in her playpen and if she fusses, so be it. I also make it a point to go out for an hour or so 3 times a week when DF gets home. I go tanning, I go window shopping, I meet a girlfriend for coffee, I just take a drive or a walk or go swing on a swing. But I get the HELL out of my house.

I totally understand what you are going through (I have an 4/07 DD and 7/09DD).

If you need anything just to talk or vent please feel free to PM me.
post #15 of 64
It does get a little better. In a few years.

I don't think letting Daddy sleep all morning because he stayed up too late is doing anybody any favors. Do you leave so the kids don't wake him? (cuz that'd be the first thing I put a stop to. )

There's nothing wrong with telling him "TAG! You're it." and having him take the kids to the park so you can have the house to yourself. I bet he'll come home and look like it nearly killed him. LMBO! You should smile sweetly and say "Yes, it sucks some days".

But, in all honesty, in a few years, they will start getting party invitations, and sleepover invitations. Before you know it, you will have lots of time to yourself, and you'll miss them. Just like the song says "you're gonna miss this".
post #16 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by MommatoAandA View Post
I completely disagree that with a 3 and 1 year old the OP doesn't get to have a life. I'm sorry, I saw what happened to my mom who did that and I was not happier for it. She was always anxiety ridden, never bought herself a thing, would cry when her last bra ripped because the anxiety of juggling two demanding kids and buying a new bra tired her out. She also worked full time and catered to my very childlike dad. The 1 and 4 year old became 4 and 8 year olds and then on and so forth and that pattern never stopped.

I DO think, OP, you need a break. I think you are at your breaking point. You do deserve an hour per day to yourself. WAKE DH UP. DEMAND HELP. He cannot live with you and not see your struggles. He doesn't get to have leisure time till 2 am then sleep in because he is "tired". He forfeits sleep by staying up till 2.

In the am, I put DD2 in her pack and play with toys, I put on a DVD for DD1 in her room and remove any hazards or mess makers, I put a pull up on DD1 i I think she might have an accident and then I get in the bathroom and shut and lock the door. When crapping alone is a luxury, there is a problem. I then open the door and take a shower with my music on. DD2 is safe in her playpen and if she fusses, so be it. I also make it a point to go out for an hour or so 3 times a week when DF gets home. I go tanning, I go window shopping, I meet a girlfriend for coffee, I just take a drive or a walk or go swing on a swing. But I get the HELL out of my house.

I totally understand what you are going through (I have an 4/07 DD and 7/09DD).

If you need anything just to talk or vent please feel free to PM me.
I agree. If we don't take care of ourselves we will not be a better mom to our children! I am here to talk too if you want to pm me.
post #17 of 64
You have every right to vent, super-mom does not exist and what you are doing now is the equivalent of 2 full-time jobs, not to mention hardest, most mentally-draining job in the world. You need regular breaks to fill up so you don't start the day on empty. Even 30 mins of tv for the kids is healthier than a mom on the fritz.

Also- 1 hr in a stroller is so odd to me. I don't know many kids in real life that would sit still for that long. In fact, I don't think I know any! It must be hard to feel like the only one with such energetic kids!!
post #18 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by MommatoAandA View Post
I completely disagree that with a 3 and 1 year old the OP doesn't get to have a life. I'm sorry, I saw what happened to my mom who did that and I was not happier for it. She was always anxiety ridden, never bought herself a thing, would cry when her last bra ripped because the anxiety of juggling two demanding kids and buying a new bra tired her out. She also worked full time and catered to my very childlike dad. The 1 and 4 year old became 4 and 8 year olds and then on and so forth and that pattern never stopped.

I DO think, OP, you need a break. I think you are at your breaking point. You do deserve an hour per day to yourself. WAKE DH UP. DEMAND HELP. He cannot live with you and not see your struggles. He doesn't get to have leisure time till 2 am then sleep in because he is "tired". He forfeits sleep by staying up till 2.

In the am, I put DD2 in her pack and play with toys, I put on a DVD for DD1 in her room and remove any hazards or mess makers, I put a pull up on DD1 i I think she might have an accident and then I get in the bathroom and shut and lock the door. When crapping alone is a luxury, there is a problem. I then open the door and take a shower with my music on. DD2 is safe in her playpen and if she fusses, so be it. I also make it a point to go out for an hour or so 3 times a week when DF gets home. I go tanning, I go window shopping, I meet a girlfriend for coffee, I just take a drive or a walk or go swing on a swing. But I get the HELL out of my house.

I totally understand what you are going through (I have an 4/07 DD and 7/09DD).

If you need anything just to talk or vent please feel free to PM me.
post #19 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by ariatrance View Post
My one friend that has children (one a few months older than G, one a few months younger than E) gets to go out nearly every weekend with friends. She goes on dates with her husband constantly. But she also dumps the kids on the grandparents all the time, quit part-time breastfeeding at six months, parks the kids in front of the tv, etc. Stuff I just don't want to do even if it means I get 30 minutes to do yoga or knit or read.
You might want to rethink that. Having children spend time with their grandparents is not "dumping". It's certainly better than kids spending all their time with a stressed out unhappy resentful mother. If you have family that can help you out by giving you a break for a couple of hours, I think that you would find it very helpful.
post #20 of 64
I also agree with MamatoA&A. You need to take care of yourself so you can give what is necessary to your children. Frankly, this is why I've always worked part-time -- just to avoid feeling like this. Some moms are really content with the live you describe. Some of us are not. And that is OK. What isn't OK is trying to live it anyway. So yes, wake up your partner and demand help. Better yet, talk to him about your needs in the evening, before it gets ugly in the morning.

Take the time you need for yourself. Do you have a Mom's morning out option near you? Would you consider PT preschool for your 3 YO? Can you at least set up playdate times so that you have other mom friends to chat with at the park? A once-a-week sitter for a couple of hours? Yes, most of these options will cost at least a little, but it is so worth it.

There is a difference between being an AP mother and being a martyr. Truly, you don't have to give up your life. But you might have to give up your ideal "perfect mom" image. :-)
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