How do I change my attitude?

[NightOwlwithowlet]

I don't usually post here, but I'm having trouble letting go of my anger toward one of my sisters. I'm one of seven kids, two brothers and four sisters. My oldest sister, Rose, has always had financial problems, starting with the birth of her first kid 25 years ago. I'm 12 years younger and starting from the time she had my niece, she has needed financial help. I adored my sister and the kids and helped when I could, I was still in high school.

Rose is an artist and despite tons of talent, has been unable to make a living at it. Depression and ill health have been a big part of the issue for her. She prides herself on never having "sold out". She thinks the rest of us six kids are sell outs. She attributes our success to luck and any she has to talent.

I have a good job because I am "lucky", my marriage is good because I'm lucky. DH is hard working and a great father because I'm "lucky". None of it is due to choices, talent, or forethought. I'm a dedicated healthcare worker with tons of credentials and education, I make life and death decisions, but to her I make good money because of luck.

One of my other sister's had an art show recently. Rose did was rant to me that other sister's art was "pedestrian and Norman Rockwell like". I may think other sister's art isn't to my taste, I still recognize that she is talented.

All of this would be bearable if Rose didn't constantly complain about how poor she is and that we don't understand. For years, from the time my oldest niece was born until DS was born, 17 years in all, I gave Rose money. I and later DH paid for school clothes and supplies, winter boots and coats, field trips, school pictures, and we took all four of her kids for weekends and overnights. I was a nurse's aid and DH was in school, it was hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars a year. I cut her off when I was pregnant with DS and she asked for the money I had saved for my maternity leave. I didn't give to her.

I stopped enabling her. For several years she got things together, but she's in another downward spiral. She got laid off, didn't look for a job, failed to cut her expenses, didn't save money and ran out of unemployment. She has disability. I just don't care anymore. I know the money I spent to take DS and his friend out to the movies would make huge difference to her and I just don't care. The money I make in an 8 hour shift would take care of her food for two weeks. I feel angry and resentful, I don't want to help her. I gladly give to any other relative, just not her. Basically, I realize I'm being mean and petty, help me find some compassion or empathy. I'm really a decent human being.

[mom2happy]

I have a sister who has makes terrible choices that she even knows before hand are going to ruin her life. She has exhuasted every family member and no one believes her or trusts her anymore to give her money.
She has two children with different fathers who are both no good.
She doesnt want to work at a regular job and also tries to sell her art. She gets what ever she can get from the government and anyone.
Ive heard so many times that Im so lucky because of my house and husband.... blah blah blah!
I got sick of it over the years. I have to be careful what I say to her when she's rambling crazily about the latest drama in her life (which is once a week and usually involves the police or violence.
If I say "but you knew that he does that, or why did you say that?" or question anything- she flips.
I just have to listen to a Jerry Springer show coming out of her mouth all the time and not say a word, but be supportive.
Well, I can really do it anymore. Its negative and pathetic and my help has done NOTHING!! It just gives her someone on her side to continue living a life of chaos.
I have 3 kids now and I have to focus on them, so Im learning how to let go.
I cant have her over because Im afraid her kids are going to be bad influences on mine. They are surrounded by shady people and are learning how to operate very smoothly in the wrong ways.
Anyway, Your sister doesnt sound as bad as mine.
I have an aunt like this too (with less drama) who her mother, sister, and brother are always bailing out of finacial problems and paying for her heat, car repairs, what ever. They just accept it that she wont change and just take care of it.
I understand what you mean by enabling. Usually when no one has anything left to give, people like this can usually scrape by. Thats the part that causes me anger. If my sister was truly incapable of making ends meet it would be a different story.
I dont give her any money anymore and thank God, because it never ends.
I dont really have any advice. Just try to let go and accept that you cant change her and a lot of the anger will go away.

[Kivgaen]

I found myself in a similar situation when My dad came and asked me for money (to support his gambing habit). He told me that he just lost $500 from my mom's bank account and that if he didn't get the money to put it back in her account before she found out, that she would leave him. He was really afraid of what would happen. I knew it was a problem because my sister stopped giving him money and I had heard before the incident about a large sum of money he had already lost a while ago. When my dad told me of his current prediciment, he mentioned his "sure thing" poker story that apparently just happened, but I had already heard the same story from my mom 3 weeks ago (he didn't know I had already heard THAT story).

Anyway... I was distraught, I didn't want to disappoint my dad, kwim? But at the same time, I didn't want to be an enabler either. So instead of doing what he asked me to do and taking out a loan on MY line of credit so that he could hide his shame from my mom, I instead looked up a gambling help-line and called the number and left a message while my dad was waiting downstairs for me. I came back down with the phone. I told him: you have a gambling problem. And he actually (to my surprise) agreed with me. So I dialed the number for him, told him who he was calling, and handed him the phone. He left a message with the lady and she called him back right away while I was still in the room. I heard his conversation and the shame of him saying "I feel so low"... etc.

Anyway... to make a long story short (too late for that, I know , He started seeing her and he got better. He hasn't been back to the casino since. (and he admitted the truth to me that he really lost the money playing slots at the casino).

Now, back to your situation (which is the reason I posted this story in the first place). Maybe you can help your sister, but not the way in which she's ASKING for help (giving her money). Maybe you could help her another way, by helping her to get the help that she truely does need (maybe some "job search" clinics, or getting help regarding her depression, help seeing a nutritionist, etc... whatever you think she needs in order to get well again.

[LCBMAX]

But it's just so hard to stop the anger. I mostly feel like I have to go THROUGH the anger. My husband is convinced that happiness lies in going AROUND the anger. Not sure. Still angry.

Anyway, you can feel good about supporting her kids with real life needs when they come to you. You're a great aunt.

[LROM]

I seriously seriously understand why you feel the way you feel, from what you've told of your situation. I think anger is natural, although one guess I have about why that anger is still a bit unresolved (aside from the fact that your sister is still asking for things and not taking responsibility) is that it sounds like you may have a little anger towards yourself and maybe your DH for ever having enabled her at all. Is that possible?

Your sister has shown that she's unlikely to change anytime soon, at least without some sort of different/new intervention. I totally agree with a PP that once you've figured out your anger and maybe let go of it (but NOT let go of your commitment NOT to enable her), maybe you'll discover another way to truly help her or help her kids that does not enable her but actually helps her to see how much she chooses her life and the effect on her kids.

One thing I'm wondering is why you still listen to her if she complains about how poor she is. You say when you point out she knew ____ "she flips"... I don't know what it looks like when she's flipping out, but seems to me you are totally justified (and it might help with your anger) if you say to her when she starts down her same old path of complaining "Since you never listen to anything I say on this, and you never do anything differently to fix your situation, I don't have anymore patience or time to listen to you complain about things you could change but choose not to."

Sure, that may piss her way the heck off... but a) it's true, b) it's a legitimate question, and c) maybe by being direct with her you'll feel a bit less anger because you will have honestly told her how you feel?

I guess that was my main point in responding to your post. Unless I'm missing something, you've never told her how it feels to you to have supported her so much over the years and helped her kids, and had her act like you don't work your butt off to provide for your own family, and also act like she's got no responsibility. I really wonder if maybe being transparent with her about the effect it's had on you and what it feels like to try to help someone for years and be ignored will - if nothing else - make YOU feel better, even if it doesn't change her or sends her on a rampage?

[LROM]

And p.s., just in case it's not clear from my post above, I don't think the money you spend to take your kids to the movies would help your sister anyway, beyond prolonging her state of dependency and irresponsibility. To me, you not giving her that money for her kids or her is not you being petty... it's because you gave her lots of money for years and nothing changed.

Maybe the fact that you don't even care anymore feels bad to you, and that's why you want to change how you feel and get rid of the anger, but I would hope that when you do feel compassionate again it doesn't necessarily look like giving her money. That's not what she needs, she's proven that. And if her kids are really hurting, offering her ideas about how SHE can meet her OWN needs and the needs of her kids would go a lot further than just giving her money. If she refuses to act on her own kids' behalf... that is just really sad but it's not your problem, and again, giving her money won't fix it in the long run.

By the way, continuing to be a great aunt to that sister's kids if you can is still awesome and her kids would probably be grateful for it. But that doesn't have to mean you take them all on vacation... it can mean instead that you have them over one at a time (or all at once) for sleepovers, or day trips, or something where they know you still love them as an aunt, but you don't have to put yourself and your family way out re: expense and effort to show it.

[bluebirdiemama]

Like you said, all the money you gave her was really just enabling her to continue on that path... I think you made a good decision to cut her off.
The way I typically deal with my anger towards people in situations ilke this is just to think about it carefully (well, I pray and spend time with God, but if you're not into that you could meditate) on the fact that all these attitudes, choices and actions of hers are hurting her more that anyone else. Then you want her to be freed from the bondage of them, and stop enabling, and put energy into her recovery. Which at this point may be just praying, or putting positive energy into thoughts of her recovery, and trying to communicate that to her, in whatever ways are available.

[NightOwlwithowlet]

Thanks for the replies, it gives me a lot to think about. I wasn't clear in my post, but my sister's kids are 21 and 25 years old. We helped out until they were in their teens and even the last 10 years, we never directly gave her money. I would purchase what the kids needed, but not give her cash.

Last month, I asked her to babysit DS for me while my husband was out of the country. Normally, I pay her $60 dollars a day to watch DS from 6am to 4pm, this means she takes him to half day camp (12 to 5pm), walks the dogs twice and feeds him breakfast. He is eight so he just needs to be supervised, I pick him up. I also pay for her gas since she lives two hours away and has to stay at out house. Since DH had taken a 50% pay cut and went three weeks without a pay check, I was only able to pay her 40$ a day plus gas money. I explained the situation to her and she felt it wasn't enough money. I found a friend watch him for free. After all the help we gave her, it really pi$$es me off!

We've (the whole family) tried to help her by making sure she has access to whatever services they need. I've attended her kid's IEP meetings to advocate for them. My sisters and I have cleaned the house (she's a hoarder). We've tried to make sure she gets to support groups and has access to on line groups for support. It's exhausting.

I've tried to cut my losses without cutting her off. I love her. When she's not drowning in self pity, she is fun. I don't want to isolate her anymore then she's isolated herself. She lost most of her friends and quite a few of our family.

As I read my posts, I just realized how selfish she is. It's okay for me to be angry with her. I have to let go of my resentment. My husband keeps asking me how low do we let her sink before she realizes how bad she's making her life? I've limited myself to just occasional e-mails in the past and that is where I need to be now. Thanks!