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What IS this?! - Page 2

post #21 of 26
I would be livid. I would also print this stuff out and keep it in a file in case they aren't just "busy". If she continues to escalate in creepiness or they fail to allow any access to your dd you will have something to take to court.
post #22 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post
Engaged before she meets his dd....well, you did say that you are out of the country. He gets her just a few times a year... To me, that's like waiting to get engaged until you meet the grandparents or someone like that.
I mostly think it's unwise because they knew each other about two months before they got engaged. Which is fine, in general, but with two young children involved... it's asking for trouble. I've had issues with DD's dad in the past because he's flown in the face of our written parenting agreement about waiting 6 months to introduce new partners. The previous two girlfriends were sleeping over with DD in the house moments after they started dating. It irks me, but there's not much I can do except sigh quietly to myself once they break up. If I say anything I just look petty.

Quote:

As far as the pics of the two kids....that's tough. The only experience I have with this is my sister and BIL and BIL's older boy. My sister is his step mom, then my sister and BIL have one little boy together. In real life, for convience sake, she does tend to refer to both boys as hers. We all also refer to him as our nephew. We all know she is step mom, he calls her by her first name and refers to her as his step mom. And when she refers to them individually, she just uses his name. But when referring to them together, it's just easier to say "my kids" instead of "my son and my stepson." At the same time though, they are also very careful that his mom doesn't ever hear my sister refer, even in the general sense like that, to him as "hers" because she doesn't like it.
I totally get the "my kids" thing. It makes it easier, and it's true whether their biological, adopted, stepkids, whatever. All the kids are family no matter where they originally came from. I'm also fine with all the pictures of DD and her son together--like I said, it's sweet. They're learning to be brother and sister.

What I DO have a problem with is the timeframe... I guess as an adult, I assume DD calling her "mommy" is either forced or just plain made-up for facebook. It could be that she's just calling her "mommy" because her stepbrother does, which doesn't really bother me. I just feel like she should be more sensitive about what she posts, and wonder if she's trying to either rub it in my face or make herself look good to other people.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Resque

How old is your daugher?

I met MY soon-to-be stepdaughter when she was 3. She had told me she loved me within the first 3 days of meeting me, and was calling me Mommy, although not all the time.
She's about to turn six. I laughed a little when I read this because it made it realize I didn't even take issue with the "I love you" part--she tells random strangers on the street that she loves them! It didn't even hit my radar. But I hesitate to believe she'd be calling anyone "mommy" after such a small amount of time. She doesn't call my husband "dad", and we've lived with him for two years.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aricha

AND I don't think you should act on whatever impulses you might feel to "fix" the situation with the step-mother. I agree with the previous poster who said if you don't like what is on her Facebook page, don't read it. I don't specify that my daughter is my step-daughter because the people who are looking at the pictures know me and my family and they don't need an explanation as to who she is. And why in the world would I put anything on Facebook about my husband's ex, with whom I do not have a relationship?
Agreed on not acting. Nothing good would come of that.

About saying something about me on facebook: she doesn't need to. Any explanation at all would suffice. But it's weird that her fb friends are like, "Umm, where did the daughter come from?" and she just doesn't respond. But maybe she's talking to them privately rather than opting to hash it all out on facebook. Understandable.

But, finally...

Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppyMama

I would be livid. I would also print this stuff out and keep it in a file in case they aren't just "busy". If she continues to escalate in creepiness or they fail to allow any access to your dd you will have something to take to court.
THIS. I finally got to talk to my daughter today. After three days, they finally responded to my emails about when a good time to call would be and we got to talk. The first thing she said was, "I want to stay here." I said something like, "Aww, I'm glad you're having such a good time!" (I was on speakerphone, btw.) But... I just... sigh. I have sole custody. I looked up the procedures to modify custody in my old state (where I'm still technically resident and where the divorce was filed) and it looks like they wouldn't have a leg to stand on. But I'm still nervous, now. And what's worse, she didn't even want to speak to my husband--when she did, she said, "I don't miss you." Not like her at all.

Maybe it's just my mamabearness, but I'm worried.
post #23 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatNamedSue View Post
The first thing she said was, "I want to stay here." I said something like, "Aww, I'm glad you're having such a good time!" (I was on speakerphone, btw.) But... I just... sigh. I have sole custody. I looked up the procedures to modify custody in my old state (where I'm still technically resident and where the divorce was filed) and it looks like they wouldn't have a leg to stand on. But I'm still nervous, now. And what's worse, she didn't even want to speak to my husband--when she did, she said, "I don't miss you." Not like her at all.

Maybe it's just my mamabearness, but I'm worried.
MY step-daughter spends the whole summer with us. The first couple weeks it is hard to get her to pick up the phone and call mom because she's excited to see her siblings, her toys here, all the new things, and we usually have a lot of fun stuff planned soon after she gets here. I know when she was younger she's said things to the other half of her family that sound a lot like "I want to stay here," "I wish I lived here, etc," "I don't want to leave," etc.

AND I also know that she talks about her mom constantly, that nearly every time she does something fun or exciting she says "I can't wait to tell mom," and that we hear all about how the things we are doing compare to what she has done at mom's. And sometimes when she gets off the phone with mom she has a hard time going to sleep because she misses mom so much.

It might help to just call every day, even if you only hear back every few days. Use email to schedule a couple longer calls or Skype/webchats. Send her letters or cards often. When you do get her on the phone, if she doesn't seem interested let her know it's okay if she just wants to say a quick "hi."

And when she is with you again, remember to try to give what you want to get-- frequent email updates, pictures, daily phone calls, whatever. We've seen a big difference in what my step-daughter's mom does regarding this, but it took us a while of giving a lot more than we were getting.

Take it from the fun step-mom caring for someone else's little girl all summer and filling her days with excitement-- she adores you, she misses you, and she'll be SO excited when the countdown starts to see you again! It might not always come out in the snippets you get to see and hear, but remember that it's only a teeny little window that you are looking through right now. You *know* her, and you know how strong your relationship is with her. That's not going to fade because she has some new friends.
post #24 of 26
I have friends who have stepkids. You know the extent of their facebook postings?

"Stepkids will be here soon! Can't wait!!"

Three weeks of little/no posting.

"Stepkids left, already miss them! We had so much fun!"

Really, I would be incredibly irritated and wierded out by the pics and stuff. That's just weird boundary crossing IMO.
post #25 of 26
As for the "I don't want to come home" - my son says that EVERY TIME he goes to his dad's. I don't take it personally. Why? Here, at home, he has chores, he has a bedtime, he has rules, he gets "in trouble", we eat vegetables and non-fried foods and his videogame time is limited to 15-30 minutes a day.

At dad's, he has no chores, no bedtime, literally plays video games or watches dad and the other kids play video games ALL DAY, and they live off corndogs and mac n cheese.

What kid WOULDN'T want to live there? It's freakin Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory!

Lucky for me, it's 4 days a month. (EOW) I'm sure after a few weeks of it, she'll be more than ready to come home! (Even if they have better structure than what my son has, it's not YOUR structure and therefore new, different and better.)
post #26 of 26
You're NOT overreacting about "Mommy". That's a problem, unless there was a clarification (or unwritten implication) that the reason it was worth noting on FB was that it was a mistake and unusual. My stepson has misspoken and called me "Mom" a couple times, when we were doing mom/kid-type things together, like shopping for his school supplies. Of course, it makes me smile and I think I've even mentioned it on here. But I certainly don't encourage him to call me that [I]for real[I], nor is he confused about my role in his life, or his mother's. It was just a slip of the tongue. If Step-Mom-to-Be implied anything besides that, then yes, it's disrespectful to you and confusing for your kids. If you have halfway decent communication with your ex, you should discuss it with him. That's really all you can do.

About the rest of it...maybe you're overreacting just a tad.

You yourself said all the chummy-chummy stuff from her sounded a little too good to be true. It probably was - but that doesn't necessarily mean it's malicious. When she was face-to-face with you, she may have felt super-motivated to be sweet, for fear you'd hate her. In that situation, it would be easy for her to make a bunch of promises about phone contact and sending you tons of pictures, as though a primary focus of her time with your daughter would be keeping you in the loop. She may have meant it...at the time.

But the reality is that she's now in an entirely different country than you. She has an extra child to care for and entertain, full-time. Especially since your ex hasn't actually married her yet, she must concern herself with keeping him pleased and showing him how wonderfully both she and her son get along with his daughter. Even if she paints an idyllic picture on FB, you really have no idea what kind of juggling act she may be performing. There simply may not be much time for her to remember to focus on you and send you pictures, separate from what she posts for everybody on FB. (BTW, are you her FB friend - in which case, she may feel the pictures she's posting there ARE a way of sending them to you? Even if you're just lurking on her site, evidently she hasn't made it private or blocked you from looking at it. So she's not trying to cut you off.)

About referring to your daughter as hers on FB, last time I updated family info. there, there was not an option for saying someone is your stepchild. You can't type in the family relationship, you must choose from a limited menu. So, it's a no-win situation for her. If she doesn't list your daughter among her family members, that might seem offensive to her StbH. If she does, she risks offending you! (FTR, my step-son and I list each other as "Son" and "Mother" on FB, for want of any other title choices - and because we didn't want to exclude each other from our "family" lists. But his Mom recently joined FB, so I don't know if he'll add her as another "Mother" or delete me. It's less than ideal, either way. I also have an older step-son, who has never lived with us. (He was in college when his Dad and I got married.) I didn't list him as my son, because I've had no hand whatsoever in raising him and many of his Mom's family members are on FB, so I didn't want to make waves. On the other hand, I wonder if it offends him that I list his little brother as my son and not him. In short: Don't read into that issue too much!

As far as the phone calls: Give it a bit more time. Again, it's the first week. You don't know how hectic their schedule is. Maybe one of them is checking the messages, mentioning to the other that you called, each of them thinks the other one followed up about making your daughter call you back... Who knows? Don't assume the worst unless the pattern continues. I know that when the only contact you get with your kid all day is a measly phone call, it's easy to feel like everything else going on at your ex's house ought to freeze long enough to let you have that contact. But there may be so much going on that it's a genuine oversight, not a slight.
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