I am so OVER the *high needs* thing

[crunchy_mommy]

Seriously. I don't know how much more I can take.

How come when we go to the park, all our friends' kids play happily & mostly on their own, and mine literally screams hysterically if I am not in arm's reach at all times -- and even then, is still fussy?

How come everyone else can read a book for 5-10 minutes while their LO plays on the floor, and mine goes nuts if he finishes eating before me & I want to finish my meal before playing?

How come everyone else can go to the bathroom or take a shower or make a sandwich, and I have a little cling-on who gets mad simply because I can't be physically holding him for one short minute?

Oh and the kicker, we go to the store and everyone says, "Oh he seems so mild. He looks like such a happy baby." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! First of all, being out & about is the only way he's remotely happy. Second of all, I had to nurse him twice even though he's 1.5yrs & we've only been in the store for 20mins. Thirdly, I haven't taken my attention off him for even a second (which might explain my odd purchases & the reason we didn't end up buying everything we need) & anticipating his every whim... and I can't even look you in the eye to respond because I know he'll scream if I do. Should I go on???

I'm just so fed up with it. I'm tired of feeling embarrassed because all my mom friends seem to have it all together. Their kids only cry if they fall or something. They somehow have time to do little crafts at home... & keep a clean house (I haven't allowed anyone in our house in 6 months out of fear they'd call CPS, it's that bad). They respond to their kids' needs immediately & their kids stay happy. I respond to DS's needs and he still gets upset... it makes me look like a bad mom. Maybe I AM a bad mom.

And then on the flip side no one seems to understand how DIFFICULT he is! It makes me feel like a crazy person. I know he's tough... and the few people who have spent lots of time with us regularly KNOW he's incredibly high-needs... but most people somehow don't see that & I start to wonder, is he really difficult or am I just so bad at parenting that it FEELS like he's tough to handle?

I just want him to SLEEP. And smile. And chill out. And maybe go 45 minutes between nursing sessions. I love this kid to death, I really do, but I can't take it! DH tries to take over when he's home but somehow that includes letting DS in the bedroom where I am trying to work or relax and letting him jump all over me & scream for my attention. How does that help me relax? I know I need to just get out of the house but trying to get in my hours for work plus being so exhausted from waking up 10-15 times a night means staying home is much more appealing and viable. And all day long I feel like I'm neglecting him when I ask him to wait 30 seconds so I can do something like go to the bathroom.

I can't help but feel I must be doing something horribly wrong for him to be so high-maintenance.

[BettinaAuSucre]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this Sounds like you might be getting a bit overwhelmed( who wouldn't!).

My daughter is on the high needs side of the fence, though not as bad as your son. She cries whenever I leave the room and follows me into the bathroom. She also refuses to eat unless I sit with her, which is hard for me to do as our stomachs are on totally different schedules.

I cannot leave her alone for 5 minutes because she will find SOMETHING, no matter how well I baby-proof, to play with and destroy. Not to mention, her playing with other kids is out of the question as sharing seems completely alien to her

I am sorry you have to deal with this. If it makes you feel any better, I have 6 books I have bought that sit collecting dust because i have't been able to pick them up. I have dumped tons upon tons of cups of coffee because they get cold before i can enjoy them. And heaven forbid if i do laundry, change my clothes, or anything for myself. *sighs*

:

[MrsBone]

I feel like I've read your posts before.. Did you post before about getting your child on a better sleep schedule so you have time to work? Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you are going through this. I really don't have much advice. My DS is also 19 months and went through phases like this. I recently became a stay at home mom and it seemed like the clingy-ness got worse. I wonder if part of it is that we are both still nursing? My DS will not willingly go to my DH unless I'm out of the house, gone from sight. My DH just loves this That or if he takes him outside for a ride on the mower. I Know you need to get work done, but is it possible for you to do your work outside of the home? Do you have family or friends that would be willing to take him while you work? I am trying to start my jewelry business and need a few uninterrupted hours a couple times a week and my mom comes and gets him for a bit. That and I'm in a bible study that lasts 3 hours one night a week. Getting away for just that much each week helps a lot. Does DH help out on the weekend? Getting out with your child outside of the house? Does your child do okay when you are out of site out of mind?

[MrsBone]

I also wanted to mention about the frequent nursing. It helped me, my mood and my patience when I cut DS's nursing down to naps and bedtime(and overnight). He would nurse all day every day if I let him. It was a tiring couple of weeks since I had to get up and keep him busy all day instead of sitting down at all, because every time I sat down he'd want to nurse. Have you tried this?

[texmati]

I'm so there, crunchy_mommy.

I have cried with jealousy after listening for the last two years about my coworkers CIO'd, baby-wised baby. I *never* 'let' my son cry himself to sleep, but he cries anyways. He cries more than any baby I've seen. And his cry is more intense than any baby I've seen. It's heartbreaking.

Now my supply is tanking, and nursing (ie quick fix) isn't always an option. I just wanted to offer commiseration. s.

[texmati]

And one more thing-- you aren't a bad mom and neither am I. We just don't shine. In my lower moments I snark to myself that god gives the hn babies to the exceptional parents!

[meemee]

aaaah mama you gotta have perspective with a HN child. and i sincerely hope you are taking care of yourself and finding some kind of break.

even while going thru all that you describe

- i was eternally grateful that my dd was HN. that she was demanding that i be the parent she wants me to be. if she had laid on her chair and not demanded to be held i would have let her be in the chair. i would not have figured out to pick her up and hold her.

- today i am grateful that my dd was HNs because it showed me she knew her mind. she came out of my womb knowing exactly what she wants. and it feels sooo good to see a 3rd grader have so much confidence and so much creativity.

he is 18 months old and still waking up 10-15 times a night? so almost every hour to 45 mins. that does not seem right. you need to look at diet. food intolerances. or allergies to dyes and other food stuff. now i have noticed when dd goes thru some sort of spurt she would wake up quite often. but it was a stage. if 10-15 is normal behaviour then you need to look into what's going on.

the meal thing. dd and i ate from the same plate. we ate together. at that age dd hardly ate anything. i found if we both ate out of one plate she ate more.

i know mama its really hard. i remember when even an inch of space between us was still too much space. some children are clingers for a long time. some not. however i find it pays off in the end. it really really does. if you meet his needs now he will be this happy content child.

i know mama. my ex was a HNs baby and the second youngest. by the time he came along his parents marriage was breaking up, xmil was trying to work and juggle her boys and she just did not have time for him. his brothers would try to take care of him but he would scream and scream. and today he is a tormented man who has really deep feelings of being abandoned. its because i saw that in him, it made it easier for me not to feel the stress of taking care of dd.

is he also high energy? some of the things i did

- before we went to the store or some errand we first did some physical exercise. we went for a walk or ran around chasing each other or something physical.

- sleeping. she had to be physically tired to nap. she had to have physical exercise morning and night or she could not sleep.

- we went out of the house EVERY SINGLE DAY. it was a huge breather for me too. for my own mental health. during winter we would go to the grocery store as our park. i wouldnt shop but let dd walk around the aisles. i noticed even then she needed both physical and intellectual stimulation.

-she was a v. sensory child. so she could touch but not pick. i never ever said no to her but i gave her v. v. strict boudaries to follow. if she didnt comply she wouldnt be able to do it. she always followed those boundaries.

at that time i also discovered dd had a mild form of SPD. the book - the out of sync child really helped me find ideas of activities to do with dd. seh was sensation craving. so we did a lot of messy activities as she really enjoyed that and does to this day.

- almost always i have given ourselves lots of time. so even if i just had to go to the store for one thing i always gave ourselves an hour. our regular grocery store trip took usually about 2 to 3 hours. she would ALWAYS find something to do. like watch the ants in the crack in the pavement. look at the bulletin board.

- btw i think the first time i went to the bathroom alone without dd following me was when she was what almost 4 years old. till dd was 5 we always took showers together.

but mama you need to find something to take care of yourself.

i remember by 5 pm i used to have had it. but i was a new single and i knew there was no help coming. so what i did was instead of trying to find time away from dd what i decided was i would be a spectator when i was my exhaustive self. i would just watch her play. i wouldnt engage or play with her but just watch her. that was sooo relaxing and sooo enjoyable. so inspiring. and so fulfillling. that all the grudge and frustration i felt just wash out of me.

since dd would only sleep at midnight i would go take a nice hot shower then. mind you many times i had to cut it short but it was a huge relief to just enjoy a simple shower in the peace of the night.

[pumpkinhead]

Is he around 18 months? That was the absolute worst stage in terms of neediness for both of mine. I couldn't sit in a chair without a child tugging on my shirt, wanting to nurse and having a screaming fit if I refused or asked him to wait. It does pass. It is just a season and it will go away .

[Cartesia]

Oh wow, mama hang in there.....

Is he verbal? I ask b/c my babe is on the HN spectrum and we had a huge shift when he started signing and then talking.

Also had great results with Happiest Toddler on the Block and Sleepless in America.

Some of what you are talking about does seem par for the course at this age - I don't know any mamas who can pee in privacy, or really clean and I certainly don't know anyone who can read for ten minutes!! Of course, I probably just refuse to hang out with anyone who can cause it will make me feel bad lol.

What DOES seem extra hard is the number of night wakings. We had that many wakings from 6 months to 10 months but then it improved. So I have been there but sounds like it has just gone on and on and on for you.

The sleeping arrangement that helped us was to put DS on a full size bed on the ground with two saftey gates locked together in a rectangle all around it and pillows in the cracks. So we can open the gate & play & read books in there and he is cozy and happy and I can lay with him to nurse but then I LEAVE and he sleeps alone until his next waking. I think this helped the sleep.

My DS had "colic" or whatever that was and was also very very HN until about 15 months - at the beginning I really thought I was doing something very very wrong and I cried so much about why my darling baby seemed so unhappy.

Now one of the first things people say when they meet him is "wow, what a happy baby!".

It is so mysterious how and when they change. The rate of change is so overwhelming in these early years. For all you know, your friends with "easy" babies (or babies who tolerated a less connected parenting style) will be hellacious teens and you will get a sweetie pie. You just never know.

While going insane with a colicky baby I had a moment of profound clarity and realized three things - 1. I am the ground in our relationship 2. I need to lower the bar (in terms of expectations) and 3. All I need to do is be with him in his struggle- I don't need to change it or take it away from him.

I feel like if I can remember these three things I will be a pretty great mama. I never would have understood those insights without going through colic.

So my wish for you is that you somehow have enough space/time/rest to allow the lessons of this time to reach you in a way that feels hopeful and supportive.

Finally, have you looked at Raising Your Spirited Child? It could be that there are some other factors making things harder than usual. Might be worth checking out if you haven't yet.

Best of luck. This too shall pass. It really will.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by BettinaAuSucre

I'm sorry you are dealing with this Sounds like you might be getting a bit overwhelmed( who wouldn't!).

Yes totally overwhelmed. We've had a few rough weeks with expensive car troubles & giving up our dog & work stress and I'm just at my upper limit of what I can tolerate from DS. I'm glad I'm not the only one who hasn't read a book in months though, sometimes I really feel like my DS is the *worst* in terms of neediness & it's good to know I'm not really alone.

Originally Posted by MrsBone

I feel like I've read your posts before.. Did you post before about getting your child on a better sleep schedule so you have time to work?

Yeah that was probably me. I seem to be forever posting about our relentless issues

Originally Posted by MrsBone

I recently became a stay at home mom and it seemed like the clingy-ness got worse. I wonder if part of it is that we are both still nursing?

I do think me being with him 24/7 and him nursing on demand has A LOT to do with it. He will rarely even eat food that I give him, it's like he just wants to nurse all day long. I am wondering if we need to restrict nursing. I hate the idea of it but I wonder if it will make us all happier? I'm not sure I have the energy for it & I don't know how to distract him but maybe I should try?

Originally Posted by MrsBone

Does DH help out on the weekend? Getting out with your child outside of the house? Does your child do okay when you are out of site out of mind?

DH *tries* to help -- he means well -- but he doesn't understand that if I'm in another room I'm 'off-limits' except for nursing. I guess I need to get out of the house or send DH out with him, but it seems like the weekends more often focus on getting DS out of DH's hair so he can catch up on laundry & dishes. I think he gets just as stressed by DS as I do. Oh, and I have tried twice leaving him with a family member. He doesn't settle down once I'm out of sight -- he just gets more & more upset the longer I'm gone. I made it to 45 minutes once & 20 minutes the other time. I think he's just not ready to be away from me & DH and I can't see forcing it if he's getting THAT upset, you know?

Originally Posted by texmati

I have cried with jealousy after listening for the last two years about my coworkers CIO'd, baby-wised baby. I *never* 'let' my son cry himself to sleep, but he cries anyways. He cries more than any baby I've seen. And his cry is more intense than any baby I've seen. It's heartbreaking.

This is what gets to me, that he cries so much even though I do everything in my power to make sure he DOESN'T cry. And it is heart-breaking. I can't imagine if I was pregnant too... DS just NEEDS his milk (I hope I am one of the lucky ones that doesn't lose their milk when I get pg again!)

Originally Posted by texmati

n my lower moments I snark to myself that god gives the hn babies to the exceptional parents!

LOL well we both must be the world's MOST exceptional parents then

Originally Posted by meemee

he is 18 months old and still waking up 10-15 times a night? so almost every hour to 45 mins. that does not seem right. you need to look at diet. food intolerances. or allergies to dyes and other food stuff. now i have noticed when dd goes thru some sort of spurt she would wake up quite often. but it was a stage. if 10-15 is normal behaviour then you need to look into what's going on.

Well he goes in phases. Just a few weeks ago I finally had him sleeping 3-6 hour stretches! Then all of a sudden he went back to every 45-90mins. We haven't changed anything in our diets so I doubt it's that, but I am starting a strict diet (soy-free, gluten-free, corn-free) next week for my own medical issues so we'll see if that has any effect on him...

Originally Posted by meemee

however i find it pays off in the end. it really really does. if you meet his needs now he will be this happy content child.

But WHEN?? I guess I'm getting impatient & thought I'd see at least SOME improvement by this age...

We do get out of the house every day. In fact, I'm usually afraid to go home lol -- he's just easier to deal with & we're both happier when we are out & about, but sometimes we run out of things to do!

He's not particularly high-energy. In fact, I feel like he's not active enough sometimes, because he always wants to be in my arms or sitting beside me, although if I'm active with him he'll run around etc. but that is really hard for me because my medical issues make physical activity incredibly difficult to sustain.

Originally Posted by meemee

at that time i also discovered dd had a mild form of SPD. the book - the out of sync child really helped me find ideas of activities to do with dd. seh was sensation craving. so we did a lot of messy activities as she really enjoyed that and does to this day.

I really wonder about this. He seems to have a high suck need, and loves physical sensations (bouncing/turning upside down/'flying' etc.) but hates swings and having dirty hands. He seems to have some quirks and I think it's hard for me to figure out whether something will make him happy or upset (i.e. messy activities)...

Originally Posted by meemee

so what i did was instead of trying to find time away from dd what i decided was i would be a spectator when i was my exhaustive self. i would just watch her play. i wouldnt engage or play with her but just watch her. that was sooo relaxing and sooo enjoyable. so inspiring. and so fulfillling. that all the grudge and frustration i felt just wash out of me.

I try this frequently. He hates it. He wants constant interaction, constant stimulation, i.e. I need to read to him or play WITH him not just watch. It's so tiring. And BTW, I don't know how on earth you did this as a single mom. I am having a hard enough time even with DH's help!!! You are amazing.

Originally Posted by pumpkinhead

Is he around 18 months? That was the absolute worst stage in terms of neediness for both of mine. I couldn't sit in a chair without a child tugging on my shirt, wanting to nurse and having a screaming fit if I refused or asked him to wait. It does pass. It is just a season and it will go away .

Yes he is just about to hit 18mos. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it, although he's been this way since birth, but it does seem to ebb & flow and we're hitting a low point as far as sleep & nursing etc. I hope it improves a little in a few weeks

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Cartesia

Is he verbal? I ask b/c my babe is on the HN spectrum and we had a huge shift when he started signing and then talking.

He is VERY verbal, hundreds of words, and starting to do short sentences... I sometimes think his thoughts are more complex than he's able to express & perhaps that's one of the sources of his constant frustration.

I haven't read any of those books... LOL I'm not kidding when I say I don't have time to read. Do they make cliff's notes for them??

Originally Posted by Cartesia

Some of what you are talking about does seem par for the course at this age - I don't know any mamas who can pee in privacy, or really clean and I certainly don't know anyone who can read for ten minutes!! Of course, I probably just refuse to hang out with anyone who can cause it will make me feel bad lol.

Yeah I have a hard time figuring out what's 'normal but frustrating' & what's 'abnormal' but it really does seem that the other mamas around me have a much easier time of things.

[LadyCatherine185]

mama. My babe was very HN until about 10 months old when he started walking, and now is pretty independant, but still a handful and very active! He never was a good sleeper, and was also waking up every hour all night at 18 months old. We nightweaned, and now he sleeps all night almost every night. However, I don't know that in your situation nightweaning right now would be the answer because his daytime behavior suggests something else may be going on.

I would seriously look into food allergies. As well as Sensory Disorders. Lots of great advice from the PP's.

[LadyCatherine185]

Wanted to add-- DH started taking DS out every saturday morning for breakfast starting around 7 months old. DS does MUCH better when out and about if he isn't with Mama. And I get a couple of completely uninterrupted hours of sleep. Total bliss. Also, it has really helped strengthen the bond between Aaron and Liam. Liam LOVES his Daddy, and they have a great relationship.

[crunchy_mommy]

Oh I remember your DS never sleeping either!!

Yeah I think you're right, I don't think nightweaning would work for us right now but it's something I'll keep in mind.

I'm not sure on the allergies. He was like this even before starting solids (and I was on a pretty strict gluten-free/soy-free/vegan diet then) but I guess it could be something more unusual/obscure. I don't know. I am TIRED lol and can't figure out how to tackle that one. I'm going to look into SPD further...

[meemee]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

But WHEN?? I guess I'm getting impatient & thought I'd see at least SOME improvement by this age...

awwww mama hang in there. i know and i totally understand. but really hang in there.

dd is STILL nursing. and i weep for joy that she is. my milk dried up when she was 3 (due to daycare, overnights at dad's, plus stress). she was frantic but ah well decided she would much rather continue nursing. i am so so glad we have that. for her that is her therapy. i call it free therapy she is an emotionally sensitive child so its really good we have that to help.

mama how can i express to you what a wonderful child my dd is. not because she is my dd but because we have tried our best to meet her needs and she has blossomed. in a sense she is still HNs. it is a profoundly moving experience to watch dd grow and bring up and question issues. she marches to her own tune. she is spunky. she is confident. she is shy. she is unspoken. i am a 100% sure she would have been a depressed angry child if she was raised mainstream. i have absolutely no doubts about that.

if your son has a sense of humour like dd did then he is going to give in right when you are end of your tether and just cant take it any more. perhaps he does! the reason why you ask WHEN?!!!!

also about the frequent wakings. i noticed dd did those right before she had a milestone. right before language explosion, right before she figured out hopping, right before she started walking... get the picture?

We do get out of the house every day. In fact, I'm usually afraid to go home lol -- he's just easier to deal with & we're both happier when we are out & about, but sometimes we run out of things to do!

that was EXACTLY my strategy and that's how i survived!!!! we did the park almost every single day. at 18 months dd could walk 2 miles with NO problems. this is along with being in the park for 4 hours and playing there.

[alfabetsoup]

I'm just wondering, reading this, if he isn't hungry? He definitely sounds high needs, I don't think a snack will fix his need to follow you to the bathroom, but maybe the extra clinginess, the not-quite-active-enough, the broken sleep, points to needing a bit more food? When DD2 was that age she needed a lot of high protein snacks or she got really whiny and clingy and tired. I always had a sandwich or some yogurt close at hand! And always a bedtime snack, we weren't nursing at that time so did a bottle (8 oz) of milk but you could do cereal, banana, toast or egg. It really helps with the sleeping!

Seriously at that age she (and DD1) could eat an adult's dinner portion, I have no idea where they put it as they're both teeny, but if they didn't have enough we were in for trouble.

[KimL]

What I was MOST tired of hearing when my hn child was a toddler... "this too shall pass". UGH.

You know what, it doesn't pass. HN is a personality type. My son is 7 and still a hn person. It's a tough job. I see alot of grown ups (my sister being one of them) who were probably hn babies/toddlers/kids too and I think it's obvious that parenting these kids correctly is so important to keep them from "giving up" on themselves as adults. It seems they get confidence, life skills, security from what they demand from US as parents. And boy it is DRAINING!

Hang in there. Take time away from your child whenever you can.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by meemee

mama how can i express to you what a wonderful child my dd is. not because she is my dd but because we have tried our best to meet her needs and she has blossomed. in a sense she is still HNs. it is a profoundly moving experience to watch dd grow and bring up and question issues. she marches to her own tune. she is spunky. she is confident. she is shy. she is unspoken. i am a 100% sure she would have been a depressed angry child if she was raised mainstream. i have absolutely no doubts about that.

This is wonderful to hear. Really. I keep telling myself that some of the very things that make DS so frustrating are the things that make him so amazing...

Originally Posted by alfabetsoup

I'm just wondering, reading this, if he isn't hungry? He definitely sounds high needs, I don't think a snack will fix his need to follow you to the bathroom, but maybe the extra clinginess, the not-quite-active-enough, the broken sleep, points to needing a bit more food? When DD2 was that age she needed a lot of high protein snacks or she got really whiny and clingy and tired. I always had a sandwich or some yogurt close at hand! And always a bedtime snack, we weren't nursing at that time so did a bottle (8 oz) of milk but you could do cereal, banana, toast or egg. It really helps with the sleeping!

He won't eat though! I offer & offer & offer, lots of different foods, and he'll take maybe a bite or two, that's it. I feel like I spend the whole day either nursing him or offering him food. I eat constantly due to hypoglycemia so I'm always asking if he wants some or if he wants something else etc. but I'm lucky if I can get him to eat more than a couple bites!

Originally Posted by KimL

You know what, it doesn't pass. HN is a personality type. My son is 7 and still a hn person. It's a tough job. I see alot of grown ups (my sister being one of them) who were probably hn babies/toddlers/kids too and I think it's obvious that parenting these kids correctly is so important to keep them from "giving up" on themselves as adults. It seems they get confidence, life skills, security from what they demand from US as parents. And boy it is DRAINING!

so not what I wanted to hear!! I am terrified that this will be the rest of my life....

[alfabetsoup]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

He won't eat though! I offer & offer & offer, lots of different foods, and he'll take maybe a bite or two, that's it. I feel like I spend the whole day either nursing him or offering him food. I eat constantly due to hypoglycemia so I'm always asking if he wants some or if he wants something else etc. but I'm lucky if I can get him to eat more than a couple bites!

Yes. That's what DD2 did as well for breakfast, snacks and lunch, which is why everything had to be really high value, like peanut butter sandwich, banana mixed with yogurt, cheese, granola bar, oatmeal, etc. Some of her faves were and are: chocolate spread sandwich (green & blacks do an organic choc spread), homemade mac & cheese (full fat milk, proper butter), english muffin pizzas, and, um, ice cream. Not always the healthiest but ice cream at least has protein and fat (and calcium, I tell myself). I'm sure as a hypoglycemic you are well aware of all the good proteins so just offer the thing that he'll get the most out of in his 2 bites.

I found it took DD2 a long time to associate hunger with eating. It's as if they don't feel hunger, they just feel annoyed or tired or headachy and they don't realize that a banana will set them right. DD2 is just 2 and she gets it now, she'll ask for something when she's hungry and she doesn't often meltdown from hunger anymore.

I hope that helps, FWIW I think it sounds like you are a great mom and only want the best for your son. Before you know it he'll be off to junior high and have lots of friends and not even want to kiss you goodbye and it'll be because of all the good work you put in now!

[LadyCatherine185]

Especially with the not wanting to eat solids at all, I would look into allergies and SPD. He may have an obscure allergy, like eggs or maybe a food dye or something.

Your son is definitely high-needs, but I would say it is verging outside the realm of "normal." That is just MHO, I'm no expert. But I have been around many toddlers of various ages and personalities and haven't seen quite that extreme of behavior.