I am so OVER the *high needs* thing - Page 2

[LadyCatherine185]

One thing I would add though, is to try and do what you can to take care of yourself. Go to the bathroom, eat, and shower when you need to. He may cry, but he is old enough to understand that you NEED to do those things. Will he shower with you? That was the only way I could take a shower for about a year.. now DS only showers with me about 30% of the time, the other 70% he spends running through the house tearing things up. And seriously, get your DH to take him OUT on a "date" on Saturday or Sunday mornings. A few hours to yourself to sleep, or shower, or just veg out will really help.

Have you read Sleepless in America? I got a lot of great ideas from that book too.

[justKate]

Originally Posted by LadyCatherine185

Especially with the not wanting to eat solids at all, I would look into allergies and SPD. He may have an obscure allergy, like eggs or maybe a food dye or something.

Your son is definitely high-needs, but I would say it is verging outside the realm of "normal." That is just MHO, I'm no expert. But I have been around many toddlers of various ages and personalities and haven't seen quite that extreme of behavior.

OP, we NEED to talk. We have the same child. DD is 17 months and has been HN since day one. She's also recently been diagnosed with SPD--sensory seeking type. We don't read either, but its not for a lack of trying. I'm at work and have to do something in 3 min. but I'll come back to post more.... If I forget, PLEASE pm me.

Please.

[justKate]

Okay I'm back. The absolute FIRST thing I would do is get your little one to a doctor to rule out an ear infection. DD never gave any indication that she had one, but every time I took her to the doc for something related (like screaming nonstop for 3 days, or refusing to eat for a week) she would have one. Some kids are more bothered by them than others; some kids let on that they have them and some don't. We don't "do" doctors here, selective/delayed vax, but one thing they are useful for is checking ears. I don't believe in letting DD suffer so I want to know if/when her ears are infected.

Ruling out reflux is harder, but if you can keep a symtom/food diary, that might be helpful. And by diary I mean piece of paper taped to the frige with notes. Okay. Now lots of brainstorming:

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

Seriously. I don't know how much more I can take.

How come when we go to the park, all our friends' kids play happily & mostly on their own, and mine literally screams hysterically if I am not in arm's reach at all times -- and even then, is still fussy?

What happens if you just let him go? Will he just stand there and whine at you, or will he observe the others? I think you said that he's pretty verbal--what is it that he wants to do/you to do?

How come everyone else can read a book for 5-10 minutes while their LO plays on the floor, and mine goes nuts if he finishes eating before me & I want to finish my meal before playing?

Good moms' opinions will differ on this. (Notice, we're ALL good moms. That's why we're here.) For us, meal time means you sit in your chair, mama sits in her chair. Daddy sits in his. When you are done, you talk to us/make faces/play in your chair until we are done eating. If the meal is taking extra long, you can get down, but generally speaking you can throw a fit in your highchair if you want to. I dont' think this is unreasonable, and DD has basically figured out that whining and tantruming don't get her anything except understanding from mama: "you are very upset right now. mama will be done eating very soon. and then we can go."

How come everyone else can go to the bathroom or take a shower or make a sandwich, and I have a little cling-on who gets mad simply because I can't be physically holding him for one short minute?

This is the worst. But you know what? You NEED to eat a sandwich and go to the bathroom and take a shower just as much as your LO needs you. You can't be the mama that you want to be without doing these things for yourself. So take your shower. DS is going to be FINE. He can stand there screaming outside of the shower and looking at you, and as long as he is not wet/dirty/hungry/thirsty/cold/hurt, the best thing you can do as his mama is take your shower. Do you have a little potty that you can sit in your bathroom? When mama potties, DS potties. Something to make that time different for him.

Oh and the kicker, we go to the store and everyone says, "Oh he seems so mild. He looks like such a happy baby." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! First of all, being out & about is the only way he's remotely happy. Second of all, I had to nurse him twice even though he's 1.5yrs & we've only been in the store for 20mins. Thirdly, I haven't taken my attention off him for even a second (which might explain my odd purchases & the reason we didn't end up buying everything we need) & anticipating his every whim... and I can't even look you in the eye to respond because I know he'll scream if I do. Should I go on???

No kidding. "Oh, what a sweet girl. She seems so grown up." Are you kidding me? She's been throwing herself out of my arms/the cart the entire time we've been here. I can't put her down because she won't hold my hand and bolts and destroys everything. For shopping, can you do something really exhausting early, then shop with him asleep after he crashes? DD (17 mos./20 lbs) is small enough that I can wear her in the Ergo to grocery shop, or lay her on a blanket in the cart (yes, I know, against the rules) to walk around Target or whatever.

...I just want him to SLEEP. And smile. And chill out. And maybe go 45 minutes between nursing sessions. I love this kid to death, I really do, but I can't take it! DH tries to take over when he's home but somehow that includes letting DS in the bedroom where I am trying to work or relax and letting him jump all over me & scream for my attention. How does that help me relax? I know I need to just get out of the house but trying to get in my hours for work plus being so exhausted from waking up 10-15 times a night means staying home is much more appealing and viable. And all day long I feel like I'm neglecting him when I ask him to wait 30 seconds so I can do something like go to the bathroom.

I've probably read your sleep posts before but I'm so caught up in our sleep issues that I didn't associate them with you.... I'll go look at those after this. Basically, our sleep issues are so bad that I started making a list of things I consider "odd" about DD. Then I went over this SPD checklist and thought about how many of DD's behaviors were consistent with this stuff. We saw an OT and are trying to work some heavily sensory activities into our days--DD just needs LOTS of sensory imput to keep her happy. I know you said you don't have time for books--neither do we, generally, but I read at work sometimes. If you're feeling like this is something you want to explore, I'd be happy to talk to you more. I don't think the SPD thread in the SN forum is very active....

Have you thought about Dr. Gordon's nightweaning? It really does make ALL the difference. At 18 months, it will be OKAY if it helps keep you sane. Here's the link: Changing the Sleep Pattern in the Family Bed It works. You can modify it to meet your needs--maybe you start with a 5-hour block instead of a 7-hour block. Maybe you do a week in each phase.

I can't help but feel I must be doing something horribly wrong for him to be so high-maintenance.

There is TOO MUCH GUILT in parenting. You are not doing anything wrong, this is just who your child is. My brother was one of these children. I never dreamed my daughter would be one. But I haven't met (m)any people with more than one super HN child, so there is hope!

Now to get some "you" time, here are my thoughts. Can your DH take DS to the playground on a regular basis, like for an hour every Saturday morning? If money isn't too tight, how about a class at the Little Gym or Gymboree with Dad? Sometimes daddies need something more structured than just take him and go! You can sign up for a free class at either/both online. Could you have 30 minutes of "alone" time after DH gets home? Or 30 mintues where he takes DS outside every evening? Obviously it wouldn't work EVERY day, but you need that on a regular basis. What if your Huz goes to DS when he wakes before you go to bed? We started this with DD about 2 months ago. Now between ~7:30/8:00 when she goes to bed and 10:30 when I go to bed, if she wakes, she gets daddy. This was also helpful as we transitioned through nightweaning. If there's no milk to wake up for, there's not as much reason to wake. Usually.

How was your son's birth, if you don't mind me asking? DD had a rough birth followed by a NICU stay and I can't help but think that might be the root of some of her sensory issues. It sounds like he might have some oral aversions to food.... I'm going to pm you about that.

Gosh I know that's alot. Sorry for the novel. I hope that you can make some changes that make things better for you.

[crunchy_mommy]

Thank you all so much for the input, this is a lot to take in & I'm still not sure how much of his behavior is 'high needs' and how much is something more serious.

I did the SPD checklist and felt very confused.

He shows signs Of Proprioceptive Dysfunction & Auditory Dysfunction: (hypersensitive) & also emotional dysfunction, internal & self-regulation dysfunction. What's really confusing is he scored really high in both "hyper" & "hyposensitve" to touch, movement, & oral input. How is that even possible?? I don't know if the checklist was just really broad & some of those things are normal???

Some of the things I checked off:

__resists friendly or affectionate touch from anyone besides parents

__ will be distressed by dirty hands and want to wipe or wash them frequently

__ is not bothered by injuries, like cuts and bruises

__ seeks out surfaces and textures that provide strong tactile feedback

__ avoids/dislikes playground equipment; i.e., swings, ladders, slides, or merry-go-rounds

__ may physically cling to an adult they trust

__ craves fast, spinning, and/or intense movement experiences

__ fearful of the sound of a flushing toilet (especially in public bathrooms), vacuum, hairdryer, squeaky shoes, or a dog barking

__ started with or distracted by loud or unexpected sounds

__ bothered/distracted by background environmental sounds; i.e., lawn mowing or outside construction

__ may gag with textured foods

__ prefers foods with intense flavor; i.e., excessively spicy, sweet, sour, or salty

__ acts as if all foods taste the same

__ can never get enough condiments or seasonings on his/her food

__ does not seek out connections with familiar people

__ prefers to play on the outside, away from groups, or just be an observer

__ can't go from sleeping to awake without distress

__ unpredictable state of arousal or inability to control arousal level (hyper to lethargic, quickly, vacillating between the two; over stimulated to under stimulated, within hours or days, depending on activity and setting, etc.)

__ unable to regulate thirst; always thirsty, never thirsty, or oscillates back and forth

__ unable to regulate hunger; eats all the time, won't eat at all, unable to feel full/hungry

__ unable to regulate appetite; has little to no appetite and/or will be "starving" one minute then full two bites later, then back to hungry again (prone to eating disorders and/or failure to thrive)

I'm just really.... confused.

[physmom]

So I know we have pretty similar kids so I hope this can help some...

DD was a lot like this. She didn't need to nurse that often in public (because she just gets really distracted) but at home it was CONSTANT. We've made a lot of change recently and things have gotten way better.

Here's what we changed:
-I started working outside the home and she goes to a multi-age daycare during the weekdays
-We've upped her cow's milk/cheese/butter intake
-She's currently leaning a new language

Obviously, the first one, you don't necessarily have to do but I would suggest leaving the house when you work. Just go to a local Starbucks or the library or something. I was never able to work at home even when we hired a mother's helper to watch DD for a few hours a week. Either she would come to where I was working and turn into velcro baby or if I shut the door she would scream until she threw up. However, if I left, she'd cry for a bit but get over it quickly and then start playing and actually have a good time with the sitter. It's the same for DH. She's infinitely better with DH when I'm not there and last week she even fell asleep for him at night while I went out to a movie with a friend. That has not happened since she was a newborn!!!

For some reason, DD NEEDS a lot of dairy. I remember drinking cow's milk like crazy growing up too. No clue why... but I did end up being lactose intolerant? However, it was good while it lasted. Anyways, DD needs a lot of milk and it was become way too overwhelming for me to be her 24/7 milk bar. We give her just a smidgen of very cold cow's milk in the mornings and evenings (literally she just drinks a couple tablespoons and she's happy) and it's seemed to calmed down the constant nursing. She also has been eating A LOT of cheese/butter lately and constantly asks for them. I just have made a point to keep mozzarella in the house (her absolute favorite) and it seems to have helped a lot.

Ok, I'm reading your other responses and I wanted to add. DD also took a long time to really start eating much too. One thing that helps is her eating around other kids. And... we have to feed her some. So she feeds herself a bit first and then we top her off. She just won't put enough food into her mouth on her own (I think she gets bored or something?). Also, like PP we feed a lot of good foods that are filling.. cheese, beans, avocados, chicken, yogurt.

The daycare/language thing (we're in a foreign country for the summer) also seems to help. She just needs so much input and I can't keep up at home by myself. I know joining music classes/gym classes are not always an option due to financial reasons but could you try to find a good playgroup? Or do you have a good children's museum?

Also, have you tested for allergies? Could he possible have sensory issues? It might really be worth it to rule out any medical problems that could be causing this... Oh, looking through the other responses it looks like someone mentioned that. Definitely get it checked out! We haven't done anything formal yet but we do some stuff with DD at home that helps.

Also, I agree with PP.. we've had to learn to ignore some of DD's tantrums. Like yesterday when she threw a HUGE fit because I took the sheet of the bed, which seriously needed to be washed btw! I just let her cry (obviously in the same room but I did my own thing) and eventually she did calm down, asked to nurse for a second and was back to her old self again. The first few times I did that were rough but she's getting better and learning that there are some things in life that you don't always like... like sheets getting removed from the bed (still have no clue why she go so upset about that!).

Also, we do the thing where we both go to the bathroom at the same time too.

Oh.... and your checklist. A LOT like DD. It's possible to be both hyper/hypo sensitive. Like I said, we've been doing stuff at home to help her and that does seem to help but with her it's really like she needs so much input that we can't keep up. Once we started daycare and the third language it's like that need was finally met and she stopped worrying about the other stuff as much (although she still has those behavior but it's not like I'm constantly on edge because she's going to flip out or something). But before you think we've got it all together, DD just woke up (her second night waking) and asked for me to read her favorite book... once I finally nursed her back to sleep she stared laughing, sigh.

[Hey Mama!]

Sorry if this is rambly it's getting late and I haven't written this all in one sitting.

Oh man, I hear your desperation coming through your posts and remember being there 7-8 years ago when my oldest was a toddler. I used to describe her as MORE. Everything about her was just amped up and it was sooooo freaking hard to figure out how to parent her. I actually started out mainstream parenting but she quickly let me know that was not going to fly with her, so I switched to attachment parent and we are all the better for it. I know your little guy isn't sleeping well and I have to say, I that was a huge factor in my daughter's behavior. She needed more sleep-but terrible at falling asleep. We had elaborate routines and one would work for a bit then she'd switch it up and we'd have to try something else. Our lives were centered around her need for sleep and her sleep schedule. Once she got past that narrow window when she'd fall asleep it was all over. We called it the point of no return. I'm sorry I don't have a magic bullet to help you get your child to sleep more. In desperation I had dh take over bath and bedtime with her and let him deal with it. She had a certain cd that played (we played it at least 3 times a day for about 6 years.) He would pat her and shush her and read stories and turn off the light. He sat next to her bed and couldn't leave until she was out, or she'd scream bloody murder and be up half the night. 5 out of 7 nights he'd fall asleep on her floor waiting for her to fall asleep. It was so hard.

She also had sensory issues (avoiding), food intolerances and light sensitivity. I had put foil on her windows, used shades and hung fleece blankets from her curtain rods to block out all light from the sun. We lived in Hawaii at the time so it was quite a challenge. We cut out food dye, several different fruits, all dairy products and sugar from her diet. She only wore loose fitting sundresses and sandals. Only a certain brand of socks would do if she decided she would wear tennis shoes. When we moved to TX and she had to wear pants and real shoes she flipped out. If I wasn't entertaining her out of the house for the better part of the day it was hell.

I have to say I saw a huge turning point between the ages of 4 and 5. We moved and I had to get a job. She had a very hard time adjusting and went beserk so I took her to a child psychologist because I just didn't know what to do anymore. He told me she needed to go to school, she's gifted and was bored. But, she was born after the cut off for kindergarten. Luckily she got into a full day preschool program and having that structure and something to do all day was great for her. I'm not advocating that you stick him in a program I'm just relating what my personal experience was. Every year since then she's been better able to regulate herself and her emotions. She is nearly 9 now and still has her moments but she has turned into a charming, opinionated, self confident, engaging, intelligent girl who is kind to everyone and is very passionate about things she loves. She stands out for sure, but I think if a high needs child is nurtured the way they need to be those high needs turn into a dynamic personality.

She still needs more than average stimulation and must have something to do almost every day. This summer she's done softball, swim team, guitar lessons, bible school, lots of swimming etc. I bought her a nintendo ds this sumer and have let her play that a fair amount as well. She also devours books and magazines. Well, this got long but I just wanted to share my experience. Hopefully it offers some hope to you. I know it seems like forever but you're in the trenches right now. The years fly by so fast, it will get easier and it will get better and you will be proud of how amazing your child can be.

[artzy_fartzy68]

aw, man, btdt!!!

Poor mama!! I totally know how you feel! My high-needs stinker is now a 3.5 yr old who goes to MDO 3x a week. He's a new man, and I like him and can deal with his issues a LOT better when I get a break from them. And some of his issues (MOST, dare I say it? MOST!!!) of his issues have gone away. He's still initially anxious if I must leave him, but then he's over it! He's even become potty-trained!! POTTY TRAINED!!!
It's a miracle. Really, 2 yrs ago, I was ready to kill him. I was so sick of holding him, wearing him, nursing him, sleeping with him....uggg, it was terrible! Now, he sleeps in his own little bed, plays by himself, still likes being worn in the ergo but doesn't NEED it, sits calmly in my lap while I read to him, doesn't bite, push or hit his friends, and only occaisionally steals candy from stores and runs away from me at the park. I no longer have to hover. I can sit and WATCH him play

My point is, it does end. I have to say, when William was the age your son is now was the WORST, and it slowly started getting better from there. FOR ME, I sent William to MDO one day per week. I went to the gym and left him in the nursery a couple times per week (for 1 hr) , little things like that. As he got older and less freakish about being somewhere other than my boob, he began to enjoy things more. And, as he needed me less, I got less annoyed when he did other needy things.

But I know where you're coming from. it will pass. Hang in there!

[MrsBone]

OP, do you drink caffeine during the day? Have you ever considered that he might be highly sensitive to caffeine through your milk? Does he eat anything that contains red #40 dye on a regular basis? Even in small amounts, like tylenol or cheetos. Red food dye causes my 19 month old to spaz out, even just through my BM. DS is sensitive to caffeine through my milk too. Just something to consider.

[crunchy_mommy]

I do not drink caffeine. We also don't touch dyes & artificial flavors with a ten-foot pole... We avoid dairy... mostly we eat fruits, veggies, nuts, some grains. I think next week when I start my elimination diet I will put him on the same diet as well to see if it has any effect (though I'm not too hopeful, my gut says it's not a food intolerance, but you never know!) I am focusing on nutrient-dense foods as much as possible & he will eat sooo much when he's around other kids but obviously that's not always possible!! But he will have some avocado or coconut milk smoothie or PB & banana sandwich etc. or fruit, his favorite is fruit... but then he'll skip breakfast for 3 days straight (not even a bite) and lunch is almost never substantial...

I do think it's interesting that several of you saw big improvements when you put your kids in daycare/preschool. I wonder if some kind of homeschooling thing would help him... My inclination is to just let kids play & learn that way but maybe he would enjoy/prefer some structured learning time during the day. He does learn amazingly fast... yesterday he learned all the hand motions to the Itsy Bitsy Spider after watching everyone do it twice a the library. TWICE. Later in the day I asked if he wanted to sing it and he somehow knew all the motions. But I wonder if it would have the same effect if we were at home (because without all the other kids around maybe he wouldn't be as stimulated by it?) We do belong to a mom's group and we get together anywhere from 1-5 times a week & do lots of different activities & usually he loves it (just not when we go to the playground because then he wants my undivided attention & I'm desperate for adult conversation). Oh -- justKate -- you asked what he does in those situations. So he'll be playing with a truck or something & then decide he wants to see something on the other side of the playground... So I tell him to go see it, but he doesn't want to go alone. He will grab my arm & pull & whine until I go with him (and I usually go with him right from the start but occasionally I'm in the middle of a conversation or something). He wants to go from one thing to the next in rapid succession but doesn't want to do it alone.

As far as working, I almost always work while he's sleeping so it's not a big deal if I'm in the house (well I obviously have to be since DH is at work) -- I only work in the evenings if I'm behind on hours due to DS not sleeping as much as usual. DH does take DS outside when he gets home from work -- it's just that they will come in soon after & DH doesn't keep him occupied while I finish what I'm doing or whatever... So he tries to give me breaks, it just doesn't turn out that way. I guess I really need to send them OUT but DH is tired & wants to be home in the evenings/weekends. And no, DS doesn't settle down if I leave him with someone else -- he freaks out pretty much the whole time and they eventually have to call me to come back.

Lots of good ideas here & I'm not really sure where to start I am liking the idea of 'school' which I could structure kind of like a story hour, I think he'd love that...

[physmom]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

I do think it's interesting that several of you saw big improvements when you put your kids in daycare/preschool. I wonder if some kind of homeschooling thing would help him... My inclination is to just let kids play & learn that way but maybe he would enjoy/prefer some structured learning time during the day. He does learn amazingly fast... yesterday he learned all the hand motions to the Itsy Bitsy Spider after watching everyone do it twice a the library. TWICE. Later in the day I asked if he wanted to sing it and he somehow knew all the motions. But I wonder if it would have the same effect if we were at home (because without all the other kids around maybe he wouldn't be as stimulated by it?) We do belong to a mom's group and we get together anywhere from 1-5 times a week & do lots of different activities & usually he loves it (just not when we go to the playground because then he wants my undivided attention & I'm desperate for adult conversation).

I don't think it's really the structure for us. I pretty much lean towards unschooling so we wanted DD's daycare to be very unstructured with lots of free play. The most they do that is really structure is take the kids to the playground once a day and when it's warm out they have baby pools to play in. For us, I really think it's been the interaction with other kids. She's insanely social and especially loves older kids. The daycare has all the kids mixed together from ages 0-12 so it allows for her to play with much older kids. Does he have any friends that he likes to play with in your mom's group? Unfortunately, I've found just because I connect well to the other mom, many times that doesn't guarantee DD wants to play with the other kid. It makes it so hard to talk because then our kids are constantly running on other directions!

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

As far as working, I almost always work while he's sleeping so it's not a big deal if I'm in the house (well I obviously have to be since DH is at work) -- I only work in the evenings if I'm behind on hours due to DS not sleeping as much as usual. DH does take DS outside when he gets home from work -- it's just that they will come in soon after & DH doesn't keep him occupied while I finish what I'm doing or whatever... So he tries to give me breaks, it just doesn't turn out that way. I guess I really need to send them OUT but DH is tired & wants to be home in the evenings/weekends. And no, DS doesn't settle down if I leave him with someone else -- he freaks out pretty much the whole time and they eventually have to call me to come back.

Have you tried leaving the house and letting DH stay home with him? My DH is totally the same way. Unless he's in an extremely good mood and wants to eat out at night, he mostly just wants to chill at home with DD and I go out and do grocery shopping or what not (or sometimes go out to work too). Then he has a lot more options toyswise and he gets too freaked out by taking her to the playground for him really to relax (DD is quite the daredevil!), which means they both end up having less fun.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by physmom

I don't think it's really the structure for us. I pretty much lean towards unschooling so we wanted DD's daycare to be very unstructured with lots of free play. The most they do that is really structure is take the kids to the playground once a day and when it's warm out they have baby pools to play in. For us, I really think it's been the interaction with other kids. She's insanely social and especially loves older kids. The daycare has all the kids mixed together from ages 0-12 so it allows for her to play with much older kids. Does he have any friends that he likes to play with in your mom's group? Unfortunately, I've found just because I connect well to the other mom, many times that doesn't guarantee DD wants to play with the other kid. It makes it so hard to talk because then our kids are constantly running on other directions!

Hmmm well there goes my 'homeschool' theory.
Well our mom's group is pretty big & different people are always showing up, but he's not all that interested in playing with ANY of the kids. Mostly he just pushes them away when they touch something he's playing with I know he's young & I would imagine still more in the 'parallel play' phase so I guess I don't know how much he cares about having certain kids around vs. just having people around in general (he is definitely a big people watcher) -- we also try to go to the library story hours, children's museum on the free nights, etc. but it seems in New England everyone kind of stays in & keeps to themselves so often there is no one at the playground or whatever... He does seem happier around older kids & our mom's group has a mix of kids his age & slightly older but most of them are still under 4 years old, I guess the older kids are always in school/camp/etc?

Originally Posted by physmom

Have you tried leaving the house and letting DH stay home with him? My DH is totally the same way. Unless he's in an extremely good mood and wants to eat out at night, he mostly just wants to chill at home with DD and I go out and do grocery shopping or what not (or sometimes go out to work too). Then he has a lot more options toyswise and he gets too freaked out by taking her to the playground for him really to relax (DD is quite the daredevil!), which means they both end up having less fun.

Yeah but I don't know where to go The library closes at 5 & I can't afford to go somewhere that costs $$ & I have no close friends in the area & we only go shopping once every 2 weeks or so. I sound pathetic huh....

[swd12422]

OP, I have no real advice for you, but wanted to share... Maybe putting it in a different perspective might help your nerves a bit?

My son is 2.5, and other than the very nature of his age, he is not particularly high needs, at least not what I see described as such here. He's generally a happy, social kid. And yet... I could relate to your OP like he was my own, with a few exceptions! He has always been great out in public and a terror at home, even as an infant. If he was awake, we were not at home! I'd take over an hour just to get a few things at the grocery store, just so I wouldn't have to take him home and have him be clingy and miserable. Everyone (including friends) looks at him and says, "What a nice kid! He's so happy and good all the time." Um, no, only when there are other people to distract him. I used to sing him a song I made up -- "Anyone but Mommy" b/c he'd be happy and smiley for anyone and everyone, except me!

Even now, I don't use the bathroom by myself, he is potty-learned and refuses to pee unless I go first half the time. He is in the bathroom and/or shower when DH or I are showering. If I'm working in the kitchen, he is up on a stool, watching. Which is quickly becoming not enough. He needs whatever I have. If I'm cooking, he needs a bowl and spoon, and some of whatever food I'm stirring (not always possible, and ends in a struggle). If I give him the food, it has to be edible, b/c he will eat it. (Yes, this is the kid who refused solids til he was 18 months, and now he gobbles raw dough and raw flour by the fistful, but still won't eat his dinner.

I could go on and on.... But I'm wondering if some of this stuff that is "typical" just seems magnified by your LOs high needs and if it would help to know that a lot of what you have mentioned IS the usual intensity of having a toddler. (Yeah, I guess I'm saying you'd be going nuts anyway... Sorry!) I don't really know what my point is. I struggle daily with my temper b/c my son is so intense sometimes and it's just too much to take in. With a high needs child, I know that is all magnified, but maybe if you can separate some of these issues out and know you'd be having them even with a not-so-high needs child, the "extras" you're getting won't seem so overwhelming?

It's early. I'm sure I'm not getting my thoughts across well, but I hope it helps to know you're really not alone. Hang in there. Your boy knows you love him, and that's big.

As for places to go to "get out..." Mall. Even if you're not shopping. Especially at 5 (after the library closes!), it's likely to be empty, especially on a weekday. He can walk with you through the entire thing, go to the play areas, sit at the food court and have a snack (from home), go into stores and touch stuff. Just walking through our little mall without going into stores can take us 45 minutes (without stopping for snacks or play) b/c he is so busy looking at things and people. It's a good way to kill time.

Also a park or nearby school playground is great for after-hours play b/c it's quiet (and this time of year, cooler than daytime). Or even just a walk around the neighborhood, collecting rocks, looking at trees... We have also resorted to walking around outdoor strip malls. Nothing interesting in the stores, but to my son, the water features, benches, and potted plants were amazing. And again, you can kill at least a half hour just sitting on a bench, watching him play with the plants at a strip mall! And try bookstores -- our Barnes and Noble has a little nook in the kids' section with a Thomas the Train set set up for kids to play with. There are a few little chairs in there, and my friend (who told me about it) goes and gets a magazine and then sits and reads it in the nook while her son plays with the trains. They're open late, so you can do it after dinner, if you need to. (They also do story/song times for kids, although I've never been, but it's a good addition to the library to have more than one to go to if your son really likes those.)

[crunchy_mommy]

I'm so bummed because I had been planning to do the walk-around-the-mall thing a lot this summer (yay for a/c!) but our local mall was flooded & won't be open again until almost Christmas!! I do sometimes take him to Target or something just to walk around, except he mostly tries to pull everything off the racks or wants to nurse when there is no bench to be found so it's kind of stressful. We go to the playgrounds but they are usually deserted and he gets bored when there aren't other kids playing. But I should check out the book stores & see if they have a kid's section. I should also try to get to the zoo more, he loves that & I tend to forget about it. I have a hard time taking him for walks because I just can't walk a lot these days (I'm really, really struggling with my illness) and I wish I had more energy to do things like that.

The other thing that's tough is that he's on such a different schedule than most of the kids around here. A lot of the groups/activities are in the morning before he's even woken up for the day. So we are kind of limited in that we can't participate in a lot of the things I think he'd enjoy. But we do keep pretty busy, it's just that random weekday afternoon when there's nothing going on & it's raining & he won't nap... then I'm just like, NOW WHAT?

I do think it's good to know I'd be struggling even with a non-high-needs kid & I always wonder if he is really high-needs or if I am just not cut out for parenting.

[Eligracey]

I was just coming back here to post about ruling out ear infections, but justKate beat me to it! If there's been a dramatic recent change in sleep, in our household it's ALWAYS caused by an ear infection. I'd definitely go to the Dr before trying a psych eval. The Dr might also be able to refer you or give you more resources if he thinks your child needs one.

[NEastMomma]

A bad mom???? You sound like a GREAT mom, in my opinion!!!

My child is not HN, but my sister's child is. I'm very close w/ my neice and I have witnessed the unending supply of patience and strength my sister musters, even when she thinks she can't do it for one... more... moment.

Someone posted that God only gives HN children to the exceptional parents - well I agree!

I have no advice for you, but just wanted to send you a big hug and tell you that you are doing such a great job!!!

[crunchy_mommy]

Hm. I don't think it's an ear infection but he's never actually had one. He's always been like this but he has gotten worse in the past week or so and seems to have a slight cold so that's possible. But our doctor is on vacation... I think he comes back next week so maybe I could make an appointment if things don't improve a little...

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by NEastMomma

A bad mom???? You sound like a GREAT mom, in my opinion!!!

My child is not HN, but my sister's child is. I'm very close w/ my neice and I have witnessed the unending supply of patience and strength my sister musters, even when she thinks she can't do it for one... more... moment.

Someone posted that God only gives HN children to the exceptional parents - well I agree!

I have no advice for you, but just wanted to send you a big hug and tell you that you are doing such a great job!!!

Thank you. It does mean a lot to hear that. I try my best but I don't always succeed.

I guess more than "bad mom" I just feel like my personality is not suited for taking care of such a needy baby. I can (and do) do it, of course, but I guess I feel like it just doesn't bring out the best in me and definitely doesn't help my mood. I feel like some moms have boundless energy & creativity & resources & motivation and then there's me.... the only 'craft' we've done lately is color a page in a coloring book & we actually had MOLD on our dirty dishes because they hadn't been washed soon enough.

[meemee]

aaaaaaaah crunchy mommy you are my long lost sister.

first please know that you have an illness which makes it doubly hard on you. just being around a HNs child is extremely tiring.

you also have my dd's twin - just the opposite. she was over the top sensation seeking (needed messy hands and still does). also i think if you havent thought about it, from the little things you have said - i am guessing your son is 'gifted' too. (please i dont want to go into debate over this). and THAT by itself is further exhausting too.

dont be confused by all the checklist and to see what your son falls under. i know for my dd she had mild case which pretty much disappeared or toned down by the time she was 5. use that more as a guideline to figure out activities for your son.

the good news is your son enjoys sitting and playing. make your house a sensory place. at your son's age i gave my dd a pasta 'bowl' (i forget what the exact term is). i emptied out a couple of bags of those squiggly colourful pasta and threw in little articles from the house in there, like my tea strainer ball, little toys, spoon, small measuring cups, measuring spoons, textury things. yeah initially she would chew on the pasta but i kept asking her not to eat it and in time she got it. but she could literally spend hours mixing and feeling with her fingers.

at that age telephone was my big friend. i would be sitting next to dd but talking on the phone until she joined me or started pulling it.

at your sons age too i started the 'touch but not pick' rule.

and no my dd was one of those kids who didnt like dc/ps. she tolerated it because she knew we had no choice. but she was a mommy's girl and wanted to spend as much time with me. however we were doing a lot ourselves so she found being home much more fun.

i had a big tough computer or tv box. i put dd in there and then put in those air filled balls and a bunch of other things including scarves and handkerchieves that she could throw out. not only did she get to throw but she also got to understand how different objects fly.

easel and paint brush. i found a 3 x 6 table top and converted that into an easel for dd. then i got cheap newsprint from our newspaper office and giant paint brushes and water and let her go.

i think one key you need to also watch out for your son is he needs intellectual stimulation. if he is bored at the park show him things. like the wettish sand and the dry sand. the textures on the play structure.

when your dh goes for a walk with ds ask him to touch metal poles, the barks of trees... to pick up rocks, pebbles, twigs off the ground so your son can feel. and take longer to come home. show him shop signs. at that age my dd was a 'sign' fiend. she knew all the signs of cars and had touched and felt them. she also knew logos. that's the word. she loved logos.

does your city have a calendar of events happening. i took dd to a lot of free events. we also did light rail rides and bus rides for the fun of it. short ones.

a lot of her 'reading' material was my junk mail, kitty food cans, cereal boxes and smaller cans dd could use.

she wasnt a toys girl but prefered things from my pantry.

you know what i looooooved about dd being a HNs child is i was FORCED to look at the world differently. to discover what a treasure trove my house was. when i looked at a flour sifter it wasnt just a flour sifter. it was a cool toy.

the challenge crunchy mommy is you have to pretty much find ideas yourself. others are not really going to help you. that is why check into the out of sync activities books. it will give you tonnes of ideas.

btw where hunger and thirst is concerned even today my dd is like your son. she can say one minute i am not hungry and next moment wallop down everything.

also mama watch out for growth spurts. they usually follow a regular cycle. i think i became aware of it when dd was 3 but it happens at the same time - during summer and by end august and early sept dd suddenly shoots up. that takes a lot of energy and makes her v. grumpy and hard to handle and less sleep and emotional and always hungry.

last HAH!!!!!! you DO have a HNs child. esp. since you question your parenting. lady that aint the easy answer. just look at what you have on your plate. a hard child. a job. the house. and not a really helpful dh. excuse me mama but the last i heard, even though society IS heading in that direction, parenting was not meant to be done alone.

do you know there are cultures where stranger anxiety does not even exist. their kids dont ever get separation anxiety?

[NEastMomma]

Listen, my kid is as easy as they come, truly. And I STILL can't get it together enough to have the house tidy when DH comes home (not that he cares). And on those days when DS is acting needy and clingy? Well that doesn't bring out the best in me, either!

I requested a "pep talk" from my DH last night as I lay in bed nursing DS for the 3rd time in 2 hours since bed time (DS wakes approx 685 times/night). My DH reminded me that all this hard work is for a reason. We are giving DS a strong foundation for his life - he is learning that his needs will be met. He's learning that you can count on people, etc.

You are doing the same thing - you are giving your babe such a precious, precious gift. BUT, you don't have to be perfect at it! I think it is far more important to meet his needs in the way you described than being detached but doing some fun crafts and having a spotless kitchen!

BUT - perhaps between your DH and yourself, you can find a couple hours once/week for just you? Even just 2 hours that you can COUNT ON, that you know are coming, might help you to weather the storm.

Like I said before, you are doing GREAT and your baby is lucky to have you.

[swd12422]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

...
I do think it's good to know I'd be struggling even with a non-high-needs kid & I always wonder if he is really high-needs or if I am just not cut out for parenting.

Just b/c you'd be struggling anyway DOES NOT mean you're "just not cut out for parenting." It just means that kids this age are a challenge, some more than others, but all are a challenge at some point or another and it's harder than most people care to admit. I'm always amazed at how moms in my playgroup act like everything is so easy and perfect, and over time I've come to learn that the "good" days are all they ever mention. It's only when another mom fesses up first that most of them will say, "Oh yeah, we went through that a few months ago. It was AWFUL!" But a few months ago, they were claiming perfection. So it's really easy to start feeling like a bad mom when you're surrounded by all that, and then to come on here for help, and everyone seems to have such great little solutions, but what you don't see in most posts (simply b/c that's not what they're about) is all the struggling and awful feelings most moms have at some point. (That's where the blow-off line, "This too shall pass" came from. All phases end at some point, and no one wants to relive their awful feelings of inadequacy that they had while going through whatever phase it is! At least that's my theory.... )