"I don't like you anymore!"...

[simplemama32]

...this is what DS (27 months) told STBX over the phone last night when he called to say goodnight. Then DS told me he didn't want to talk to daddy anymore. The night before he responded "I no love you" when his daddy told him he loved him. I could tell it really hurt stbx's feelings.

So is this age-appropriate or possibly something to be concerned about due to the separation/divorce? DS and stbx have never had the best relationship, but I thought it had been improving lately. I never speak badly of his father in front of DS, but maybe he's picking up on my body language or something...? A couple weeks ago, he also told me "I love Papa [his grandfather] best, not you, mama."

In any case, I'm not quite sure what to say or how to handle it. Should I address it as a manners issue more than anything else?

[JunipersMom]

Its the age ~ and they pull out the whole I dont Like You card over and over through the years -- it smarts a bit, but its not always the truth. I would just say 'we use nice words, dont be ugly' and leave it at that. And not bring it up again. If you put too much energy into it, I think kids know that and will continue

[RollerCoasterMama]

Age appropriate. They get a reaction. And maybe right that moment they're not happy with you/STBX for some reason, and they don't have the vocabulary to express it any other way.

DS has a great relationship with STBX and he was just saying that earlier this week. It's not very nice. And STBX has learned to just roll with it now. Although I know it hurt him the first couple of times because it coincided with our separation so he was feeling extra vulnerable. Once DS started preschool...he picked up a new one: he tells me that I'm not invited to his birthday party on a regular basis. :P (When he particularly likes me, he'll tell me I'm invited.)

One thing that might help, since I noticed your DS is pretty young...start offering him other emotion words that might help fill in the blank. My DS used to have aggressive outbursts when he was frustrated/over-stimulated. I used every tool I could find! One of them that really helped was to give him words to explain the emotions. Grumpy and frustrated and "not happy" worked well. Also talking about "having a tough day". And just giving him permission to be grumpy or not happy at ME or his dad. I realized he didn't know that it was ok to express negative emotions about us. Having those emotion words in his vocabulary helped a lot. (I made sure that I used them too...if I was a grump or frustrated, I admitted...sometimes after the fact, but I made sure to acknowledge and apologize if I'd been a grump at him.) But even so, sometimes he still univites me to his birthday party. Or tells Daddy that he doesn't want to talk to him on the phone.

Going through a big transition like separation/divorce, it's so easy to worry that changes are because of the new situation. But I think you're safe with this one. Sounds totally age-appropriate!

[meemee]

nah i would do nothing.

if anything, if you are on good terms with stbx talk to him.

here is a great book. explains what's going on with our children. and a warning not to take anything literally. might help stbx. but please note it was written in the 60s so not v. great discipline advice. but a great, great series about what's going on with our kids.

http://www.amazon.com/Your-Three-Yea.../dp/0440506492

btw - as a wise friend helped me when i was first separating - dont jump to conclusion that your divorce/separation is creating your sons issues (not saying that's what you are doing, but just saying dont fall into that trap). she always brought me to earth when i would blame myself.

[simplemama32]

OK, I had a response all typed and the computer ate it...Grrr! A brief version:

RollerCoasterMama: great idea about emotion words. Thank you. DS is extremely verbal already, and I'd definitely like to increase his vocabulary to help him along.

I have been leaning toward calling this particular incident age-appropriate, so I'm glad to confirm that it is. I have to also ask, though, what clues do you look for to determine if there actually IS an issue? My mother said last night that DS told her -- completely out of the blue, while they were playing -- that "Daddy's house is bad" and he didn't want to go back. :-(

Honestly, I wouldn't be concerned AT ALL if DS and stbx had previously had a good relationship (pre-separation), or if I trusted that stbx would fill me in on any problems DS seemed to be having when they're together. But, I know that either he wouldn't tell me anything, or he would tell me a vast understatement...i.e., "fussy after his nap" might really be "DS screamed for 3 hours."

I feel so totally in the dark. I don't want to leap to conclusions, but I also don't want DS to feel like he's being thrown to the wolves and his mama is doing nothing.

[RollerCoasterMama]

That's tough when you really don't know what's going on. I'd worry too. Hopefully practicing those feeling words will help. He'll have more specific ways to express things. You don't want to offer him too many suggestions to fill in the blank obviously. If your toddler is anything like mine, they're apt to agree with anything...if they don't quite know how to explain it...mama must know the right way to say it! DS is 3.5 is only just recently getting past that impulse.

There's going to be transition. Even with a great co-parenting situation it takes patience and time. It took us a solid 6 months before DS would sleep over at his dad's for more than one night at a time. And he's still reluctant. That's in his old house, old room, old bed, old toys with the daddy he adores. Change is tough.

Based on what you're saying, I'd probably just keep my ears and eyes open and watch for major behavior changes, potty or sleeping changes. There will likely be some anyway because of everything. But they ought to mellow out fairly soon. (Oh and you're approaching the super fun 3 yr mark--with some natural changes that are coming no matter what!)

It's hard not to worry. But for right now...the best thing you can do is to have a peaceful loving home for your son, provide him with the tools he needs to communicate, and just be there for him when he needs some extra mama-time. "Daddy's house is bad" could just mean that he wanted to be at your house instead. Or that he and Daddy butted heads about a nap time or meal time and he was mad at Daddy. Or simply that he missed you!

[simplemama32]

Thank you for talking me down.

Whew...deep breath. I keep repeating, "I'll be okay. DS will be okay. We'll all be okay."

[meemee]

simplemama i would keep an open mind.

how long have you guys been coparenting?

i guess your stbx is getting the hang of being a parent. your sons comment for his age could mean anything. it could mean daddy is torturing me or daddy is not letting me have my way. the way he said it would be the clue - not so much the words itself.

if all this is fairly new you have to give stbx time to adjust to being a single dad. to behave like a dad and learn to take care of ds.

the worst part is you dont know what's goign on in daddy's house.

when IS it an issue - when he keeps saying it over and over again. when he absolutely freaks out when he has to go to daddy's house. and behaviour changes.

IF you guys are on talking terms i would say all of you go out as a family - to the park, zoo or food. so that you can see how stbx interacts with ds and ds can see u both interacting.

[JunipersMom]

My daughter started 'not wanting to go to bad daddy's house' right about the time he stopped being - Mr. entertain her all the time/candy/prizes/grandmas always here - to Mr. every-other-weekend, I have a girlfriend and her kids can watch you while we go out, trying out discipline all of a sudden to impress the lady, not alot of attention guy. It goes back and forth - now that she's older she is more verbal, but still only talks to my mom about it in detail -- I just get the short "I dont want to go" and thats it.