OK, here goes... did I mention it was long? If any of it is useful for you, consider it given under creative commons!
Hi Day Care Providers -
In trying to pack a bag for kiddo for tomorrow, I am stymied by the issue of how to deal with his toileting. For now I am packing a silly variety of options (2 kinds of diapers, lots of pants), which almost guarantees that kiddo won't pee at all tomorrow. Please manage things however you feel best for now, while this conversation continues.
I appreciate that DCP1 has perceived that offering pee opportunities became stressful for kiddo, and we really want to make this transition as successful as possible. We're not entirely sure that just avoiding offering will ease things for kiddo, since elimination communication has been one of the cornerstones of our parenting approach with kiddo since birth. These days, he's far enough along to be bothered by wetness, and he knows that's something we react to quickly, so we wonder if unacknowledged elimination might also be a stressor for him.
We are really inexperienced at transmitting to anyone else what we know and what we do, but we feel that it is really important in kiddo's care. So what follows here is my first attempt at describing our ideas and experience, otherwise known as "more than you ever wanted to know about kiddo's toileting." We are also really grateful that so far you've been interested and willing to try. If at some point (like in the next paragraph!) you decide that this just can't fit in this daycare setting, we trust that you will speak up.
This is probably a good time to emphasize that we don't consider this to be toilet training in any way, rather parent/caregiver training. We work hard to avoid any shaming whatsoever in kiddo's world, and that extends to poop on the rug, as problematic as that may be for us. We don't even use the word "accident" since in our view, elimination really isn't an accident. If it lands elsewhere than in a potty, we call it a "miss" to reflect the idea that we missed an opportunity.
Here's how things are going at home with EC these days: Kiddo no longer wears diapers in the day for any occasion. He is in underwear or training pants, or his bottom is naked. He wears one diaper in the early night, but once he pees I take it off and he is naked-bottomed and dry for the rest of the night.
Because the goal in EC is body awareness, and building trust, we're unsure about the best way to handle kiddo's toileting at daycare. ECers divide the things you can wear as feel-wet or feel-dry. Feel-wet things, like plain cloth diapers or training pants are helpful because the child gets immediate feedback about what their body is doing, but are only ok if an immediate change is an option. Feel-dry things, like disposables and pocket cloth diapers can be helpful if an immediate change won't be possible, because at least you avoid the child getting used to feeling wet - the opposite of body awareness.
Even just 5 months ago, we would've just sent him in a "feel-dry" diaper, and not bothered you with any of this. In the last few months though, we've gotten so much better at catching his pee and poop, and he has gotten so much more sensitive to the whole thing as well, and we question whether it's even appropriate to ask him to have the feel-dry experience anymore. It's hard for me to imagine a situation in which we would use a feel-dry diaper now... maybe something like visiting the White House, or somewhere else where an immediate change could really be a problem.. even then we'd be ducking behind the bushes, or holding kiddo over the sink in the oval bathroom to offer pees every so often...
So - we are conflicted about sending kiddo to daycare in either kind of diaper, and we need input from you to know how best to proceed. Here's the too-much-information part, so you know what's going on at home:
Pees - We've had only about 3 misses a week for more than a month now, always when I am too distracted to offer him a pee even though I know it's time. He has only asked for the potty directly once for a pee, and he did so by saying "poop!" even though he really only needed to pee. I know when to offer either by timing or because he signals. He signals by getting into a behavior pattern of being fussily discontented in general, or moving distractedly from one activity to the next without really engaging them, or urgently asking "outside!" or "mama UP!" I then offer him the choice of peeing outside or in the toilet. If he chooses toilet, he gets to pick by color which potty, or if he wants to use the "big toilet." It is 50-50 whether he wants to be held over my open lap with pants at his ankles, or if he wants all his pants and underwear off so he can stand to pee freely (outdoors, of course.) I still don't bother about pee on the shoes, so he doesn't either, though he notices it. If he refuses, which he does ALL THE TIME right now, by saying "no pee", I say, "OK, no problem, you don't have to pee. I'm just going to take off your pants so you can go if you change your mind." Then we go outside, pantless, and I either hold him in a peeing position while talking about the birds or something else in the near distance, or he wanders for a moment and then pees. Sometimes, he's still saying "no pee" while he's actually peeing. Our goal is just to increase body awareness, so our language reflects that: "Oh look, I see some pee. Can you feel your body peeing right now? Hmmm. Nice."
Poop - He asks for the toilet directly if he needs to poop (he says "poop!") about 95% of the time. The other 5% of poops can still be "caught" easily since he does this very characteristic standstill, with slightly bent knees, and gets silent or grunts softly. In those events, I say "Kiddo, are you pooping?" and he'll either say nothing at all or say "yes." Then I say "Let's try to use the toilet for that poop - see if you can wait til I get you there, but it's ok if you can't." He always does. We finish the poop on a potty, and he gets a wipey to practice with after I finish wiping him. He knows it's ok to look and say "hi poop" but not to touch. Then handwashing with the abc song.
I'm going to try to find a book about doing EC with toddlers that might also be helpful - again, I trust you to let me know when this process goes beyond what feels do-able to you, in the realms of both learning and doing. Having said all of the above, I also want to say that we are not as pee- and poop- obsessed as we might seem. EC is an important part of how we have raised kiddo thus far, but so is unconditional parenting, cosleeping, extended nursing, blah blah, self-absorbed blah. It is, however, one of the less common parenting choices, so we have to talk about it more than most people want to listen. Thanks for listening this far!
Love,
LCBMAX
