I completely understand the fear thing, I had it with both of my births. Every woman has their own unique and intimate experience of birthing, so I am definitely not giving advice about what would work for you, only sharing a reflection of my own experience and what I learned from it.
The first birth was painful and I felt unsuccessful, because I really wasn't prepared for the whole thing. I had studied a few different methods, but really never worked on exploring the fear piece; if I ignored it then it would go away, right? I think you are brave and honest for being open about your fear! When I began to ask myself what went wrong I decided that I was really afraid that I was going to be a bad mother and that my difficulty was masking the real issue.
So with my second pregnancy, I had the serendipitous experience of finding a "Birthing From Within" workshop in our rural area - I went and it was so inspiring! I ended up getting the book and explored my fears and found coping strategies for the pain. The activities ranged from putting an ice cube on your neck or wrist for one minute and finding ways to cope with the discomfort. The one that worked the best for me was a mental activity where you imagine the pain, what color is it? what does it look like? etc. Everytime I got into that one during the first part of my labor, I couldn't really pinpoint the pain and by the time I did, the contraction was over.
I also know what you mean about the whole 10 cm thing! I finally decided that I needed a visual and I used a baby hat that had cinch ties at the top and through my own deep breathing and slowly using my ring and pinky finger, would open up the hat.
Best wishes to you, and using my favorite Pam England quote from "Birthing From Within": It is hard work and it is painful, but you can do it!
Please let us know how it goes.