Very bonded with baby but feel distanced from DS1

[nmelanson]

I feel so guilty. I feel so bonded and on cloud 9 with DS2 (1 wk old) but feel so disconnected from DS1 (3.5 years) - he just annoys me and I am constatntly frustrated. I feel awful - like I love this baby more than him, and that is completely not fair. Then I feel guilty that he probably knows this somehow. I was hoping that the baby bonding chemicals would also extend to maintaining my bond with him, but they don't seem to have.

Is this normal?

[UrbanSimplicity]

I think this is very normal. BUT it is so hard! My first was MY WORLD and everything she did AMAZED me - until dd2 came along. Suddenly her head seemed huge when she nursed, she had big-stinky-kid-hands and dirty fingernails. It's like the rose colored glasses were suddenly removed.

I've heard of other moms going through this. It does work itself out, and my overall feeling now is no longer guilt over "not loving" my dd1 as much, but rather the overwhelming truth that no relationship will ever be as AMAZING as those first 2 blissful years with my first perfect baby

I'd say fake it until you make it - try not to let your ds feel he's been temporarily usurped. You'll all be on even ground again soon enough. HUGS, because I remember the feelings of guilt.

[MittensKittens]

I don't know if it is normal, but I also went through the same thing. My baby is now 1.5 yo, and my relationship with 4 yo DD is better than ever. In my case, PTSD played a part in this, for sure. I'm not sure what to suggest to you to make it better, but I am sure that it will improve! And don't spend your time feeling guilty, because that can make things worse, IME! to you!

[RedPony]

I'll say it can be "normal" and it still really sucks. This has been my life the past 15 months. The first year was soooo hard and NOTHING my oldest could do was right. So totally not fair, I agree, but I couldn't get past the feelings. :sigh: The past three or so months has been waaay better. I had to constantly work work work at it, tho, and I'm still working on it. I feel like I've damaged our relationship and I hate that.

My oldest is still completely in love with me if that's any consolation. I don't know that she'll forget, but I do hope she'll forgive me and understand when she gets older that this isn't something I ever wanted to happen between us and that I would change that it did happen in a HEARTBEAT if I could. Siiiiigh.

Hang in there. It will get better. Go easy on yourself and your oldest. Talk talk talk to someone.

[UrbanSimplicity]

like red pony, i also found this lasted about a year

[neverdoingitagain]

OMG, yeah that was me alright. Everything about my then 3.5 year old annoyed me. I felt very distant from her after I had dd#2; It did get better though, eventually.
I felt awful, what a fair weather mother I felt I was. Here a cuter version came along and I just couldn't stand my oldest anymore. It made me so sad when I found myself snapping at her.
She's 6 now and very needy it seems. I feel like its my fault. Or it might just be her personality. It is easier though, we get along better than before and for the most part, shes the easy one.

[skyblufig]

I'm so glad I'm not alone. Not much time to post now but to the OP -- I def. had the super-guilty feelings, and still do, especially this 2nd time around with the arrival of dc3. It feels like just when we were back to some sort of balance, dc3 arrived and once again Crabby Mama has surfaced. I apologize to my older 2 and explain that this is a time of huge transition for us all and that it won't be like this forever and that we *will* find our groove again. And then I try to give extra hugs, kisses and love-you's. And sometimes I cry in the shower because I know deep down in my heart that my oldest remembers Fun Mama and misses her a lot and that his big heart broke a little.

But then I see him giggling with his sister and trying to get his baby brother to smile at him and I hear him tell his sister that they'll be friends "forever and ever and ever" and gently remind myself that we're all doing the best we can. And I hope that they'll all forgive me for the times I don't do as well as I'd like to.

Be kind to yourself; it'll get better.

[feminist~mama]

Just adding a "me too"- and my DD1 is 11, so she really is giant and dirty and not gentle enough and everything annoys me and I snap at her... but she's also so in love with her sister and a really big help and I try *so* hard to be gentle with her and remember that she has tender little feelings and a delicate self esteem (just like the rest of us!)...

I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone and that it will indeed pass!

[henny penny]

So completely normal! Yes, I was shocked at the amount of guilt I felt as soon as I was home from the hospital. It was overwhelming. Ditto what UrbanSimplicity said. What once was adorable with ds was suddenly too dirty, too rough, too loud, too needy, etc. Oh, the guilt. Now dd is almost 3 months and already things are better, but still one day at a time. Give yourself and your little ones some time.