Need help processing this mess... Update

[mija y mijo]

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Edited by mija y mijo - 5/22/11 at 11:49pm

[quietmim]

I just want to say, it doesn't sound for a minute like you don't have compassion for your sister. just the opposite, in fact. I am a woman in recovery and I think this is one of those situations where every course of action just feels wrong, somehow. I don't know what to say except that you sound like a wonderful sister, really.
E.

[RiverTam]

So why is it so hard to offer my own sister the same level of compassion that I would a total stranger? I'm sure all the lying and manipulation over the past couple years has something to do with it... but then I beat myself up for just wanting to be done with the whole damn thing.

Because you don't have to deal with their mess. It's natural to be more inpatient with your addict, as opposed to other people's addicts, because you're the one dealing with the mess.

You sound compassionate enough to me. You also sound correct to be worried.

I don't have advice, except that when you've had enough, it's okay to walk away. I'd keep the door cracked for the sake of her babies, but that's it.

I hope your sister gets better. I've buried two people in my family over addiction issues in the last 8 years. (One was murdered. One died in a DUI car accident.)

You can't save your sister from herself. You didn't cause her problems. You can't cure her problems.

It's an awful place to be.

[mija y mijo]

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Edited by mija y mijo - 5/22/11 at 11:49pm

[mija y mijo]

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Edited by mija y mijo - 5/22/11 at 11:49pm

[Momma Moo Martin]

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. It is such a heartbreaking, infuriating experience. I also believe that you sound like a very compassionate, concerned sister so please don't feel any guilt or shame for how you are handling this situation. Dealing with addicts in my family, I have come to realize that loving someone doesn't mean "going down with the ship" so to say. You have to put yourself and your immediate family first and accept that you cannot change or save anyone. It always makes it so much worse, though, when innocent children are involved - especially when you love those children very much. With all of this violence and drug abuse going on, has CPS been involved on behalf of the 4 year old? It just stood out to me that this new baby's dad being violent to mom could easily become him being violent to the 4 year old - or the baby for that matter. I don't mean to put extra pain on your heart but that just had red flags all over it for me when I read your post. If this man comes back, I hope that something will be done to protect your nephew and the baby. Sending positive vibes of light and love your way Many blessings to you and yours, mama.

[mija y mijo]

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Edited by mija y mijo - 5/22/11 at 11:50pm

[Momma Moo Martin]

Originally Posted by mija y mijo

Thank you. Just reading the responses here is helping me put this all into perspective again... to see that my feelings and my concerns are valid. Much of our family tolerates more than what I feel is acceptable, so I feel like I'm made out to be the "bad guy" because I speak out and am not afraid to say "THIS ISN'T RIGHT!" It's kind of hard to explain, but I come from a family where addiction runs rampant and so many times the issues are swept under the rug, all in the name of love and acceptance. It's like enabling to the nth degree. No one wants to upset the addict, and if you do... shame on you.

CPS was involved in the beginning. Well, actually about a month AFTER the bust. My nephew should have been taken immediately to a doctor and tested for meth exposure (they were cooking it up in their house), but instead the law enforcement let my hysterical sister leave the scene with my nephew. Don't ask me how she pulled that one off... Apparently some young, naive caseworker was assigned to the case and completely dropped the ball on this one. He was completely clueless and ended up closing the case. He ignored my mother's concerns and believed everything my sister said. It was like he had never met a meth addict, or at least read anything about them... how they are compulsive liars and pretty convincing ones at that. I think because she was in "treatment" and living with my stable, successful mother in her nice house he didn't see any reason to be concerned... even though there were phone calls made to him over this time period about our ongoing concerns with her and her behavior.

She moved to a different county when she moved out of my mom's house, so when some things went down (her being arrested and leaving my nephew with her new ex-felon bf overnight or the time my nephew told us her new bf choked him) we called CPS and were told that they cannot re-open the case because they are a different county and that something more significant would have to happen in order for them to open a case themselves. You know, like enough physical harm to leave marks or a trip to the hospital or the police finding my sister breaking her rules of probation while my nephew is there with her. It's a complete joke. I've seriously lost all faith in the system. None of the protocols that are in place for meth busts were taken in regards to my nephew. The two counties involved and their lack of communication over the months following the bust was completely unacceptable, and CPS has failed to look out for the best interest of my nephew. So the only thing we can do is watch them closely and keep reporting things of concern to CPS and her PO... but I honestly don't think any of it is going to make a bit of difference.

Oh, mama. I also come from a family where addiction is the norm so I completely understand the idea of being the "bad one" because you don't accept it and don't allow the addict to walk all over you. It breaks my heart to hear about your experiences with CPS. However, I have to say I'm not surprised. I've called CPS before about addict family members and their children and had the same response. I guess they only intervene once the child has sustained serious injury? Ugh.

You're in my thoughts, mama.

[mija y mijo]

Update

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Edited by mija y mijo - 5/23/11 at 12:03am

[ElliesMomma]

you need to get yourself to an Alanon meeting ASAP. there you will meet other people experienced in dealing with loved ones with addictions. they will help guide you through this mess. there are alanon meetings going on every day. look them up online and start going to meeting!! this can be your lifesaver (or sanity saver more accurately).

it may be that your role will be to try to save her kids. you can't save her; she is an adult, and capable of saving herself *if she is properly motivated to do so.* for most addicts, this means hitting rock bottom.

the kids, however, are not capable of saving themselves and are as you said being victimized by the whole scene.

my only advice there would be to really understand the difference between trying to help your adult sister, and trying to help your baby nephew and his brother/sister.

but seriously get yourself to alanon tomorrow and the people you meet there will help you navigate through this mess IRL.

good luck!

[mija y mijo]

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Edited by mija y mijo - 5/22/11 at 11:51pm

[ElliesMomma]

heck yes, go go go. go to alanon. it's anonymous, just like AA (or NA for that matter -- narcotics anonymous). alanon is the support component for friends and families affected by another person's addiction.

you will learn that ALL addicts have things in common... and the loved ones who are affected by addicts all also have things in common, regardless of the loved one's "drug of choice."

it doesn't even have to be a street drug (or alcohol) for a person to be an addict, and for the loved ones to be affected. people have had their lives ruined by, for example, compulsive gambling, compulsive spending, sex addiction, etc., etc. alanon would be the appropriate place for the family and friends of all such addicts, too.

go, go, go, lady! i promise you this will help!

[LROM]

Definitely go to Alanon, and please let us know how you feel about it (hopefully it'll be REALLY helpful).

I just wanted to add that if your nephew is with his dad for a few days, is that physically near you and your mom? Given all you've said, have any of you considered talking directly to your nephew to tell him how much you love him, and that no matter what anyone ever tries to tell him that is bad about you guys or you guys not loving him, it isn't true and you love him, always will, and hopefully will always see him regularly?

I'm just concerned that if your sis really gets even further down the hole of cutting your mom and maybe others off, I'd hope someone will have said something directly to your nephew about how much you love him and will always love him. It can mean the world to a small child, especially in the chaos he's living in right now.

Hopefully your sis will not cut you all off, but just in case... my heart is just breaking for all of you, most of all your nephew and soon to be neice...

Oh, and I am also heartbroken that CPS failed you. And they really did fail you and your nephew, in many ways. BF choked him and given the whole history the new county CPS also wouldn't open a case? That is unbelievable. Just please though, heaven forbid there is ever more to report, just keep accumulating it and call again. Sometimes it's who you get on the phone, others it's the accumulation of evidence that this is a horrible situation (even though to me, you've already got enough).

Sending big love to your whole family.....

[mija y mijo]

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Edited by mija y mijo - 5/22/11 at 11:51pm

[mija y mijo]

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Edited by mija y mijo - 5/22/11 at 11:51pm

[Galatea]

Originally Posted by mija y mijo

I've looked at Alanon before online and it looked like it was only for families affected by alcohol... do you think it'd be okay if I went? (my sister's drug of choice was meth)

There is also Nar-Anon, for families of drug addicts.

Sometimes all you can do is say, "I am really concerned for you and I love you." And then leave it alone. IME, anything we do to fix their problems or fix them only prolongs their addiction. When I stepped back from my addict's problems and let go of my illusion of control over them, THEN, and only then, was he able to start taking care of it himself.

[LROM]

Originally Posted by mija y mijo

I went to the Al-Anon meeting tonight. Overall it went well. I'm beginning to realize that I have a LOT of issues that stem from growing up with an alcoholic father. I learned that my constant "need" to fix things and have everything "perfect" and somehow feeling like it's my responsibility to make everything okay is a common occurrence with family members of addicts. I feel like there's hope. That I may figure out how to truly LET GO of this anxiety and anger and MOVE ON.

While I can't control my sister, I can control myself. My feelings, my thoughts, my actions. I don't have to live like this anymore. There is a way out.

I have so many thoughts running through my head and I'm still trying to process it all, but I want to thank you so much for suggesting the meetings. I feel like this a definite step in the right direction.

Sooooooooo glad you went, and soooooooo glad it sounds like it was useful! I'm sure this is the beginning of a whole different journey, but hopefully it will be an enriching and really beneficial journey. Good for you for taking that step!

[mija y mijo]

Another Update

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Edited by mija y mijo - 5/22/11 at 11:52pm

[Starflower]

I don't think you are being harsh. I think you are being realistic. A card is a nice way to give congrats on the new baby and letting your sister know you love and care about her - without having the danger of getting sucked into the drama surrounding her.

I am kind of in a similar frame of detached mind with my brother and some issues he is having right now. Hang in there. It sounds like you are doing the right thing.

[mija y mijo]

Originally Posted by Starflower

I don't think you are being harsh. I think you are being realistic. A card is a nice way to give congrats on the new baby and letting your sister know you love and care about her - without having the danger of getting sucked into the drama surrounding her.

I am kind of in a similar frame of detached mind with my brother and some issues he is having right now. Hang in there. It sounds like you are doing the right thing.

Thank you. And I wish you well with whatever it is you're dealing with in regards to your brother. These types of things are so difficult to navigate through.