I don't know what to do - is this the terrible 2's?

[rocketgirl96]

HELP Please!!!! I am at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do. My son is almost 2 1/2 years old and he's usually very nice and sweet. Lately, since coming home from a 2 week vacation, he's been very defiant - hitting, head butting, spitting, throwing toys either at me or away from me (if I want him to give me the toy). It drives me crazy!!!!! I don't know what to do. Nothing seems to work. Thinking time (our version of time outs) doesn't work and I really do NOT want to spank. I come from a home where spanking was the norm and I do NOT want to continue that cycle. Thus far, I've been successful, but I really don't know what to do to stop this bad behavior. He was fine on vacation - very good with just a few tantrums. Is it just a coincidence that the terrible twos (if this is what it is) happened to start after vacation? Please if you have any techniques I can use or things I can say to him to make him stop this behavior (especially the hitting and head butting!), please tell me. I really need help!!!!

Thanks,
Christine

[NellieKatz]

My first thought was "why not investigate what's going on in his life and try to understand what he might be trying to tell you" (as little ones don't have the vocabulary etc. to express their feelings clearly)....but then I re-read and saw the words "two week vacation."

A two week vacation may have just upset his routines too much to handle.

I remember when we went away on a vacation and the very FIRST night my boy was there, he was HORRIBLE. Absolutely HORRIBLE! (from my unenlightened perspective). Jumping on the beds in the motel and refusing to settle down, hitting, the whole bit. We were at our wits' end. I remember leaving the room and taking a walk down the road just to get away from him. At that time, we were viewing it from a purely "kid is misbehaving and not obeying us" perspective.

It was not till later, when we got a little distance and learned about how little kids are at that age, that it was not misbehaving at all, really. He couldn't handle it. We had been in the car for FIVE HOURS and then had arrived at a tiny, tranquil town in Maine where there was nothing for him to do and no place to "get out his ya-yas."

Then the following day when we visited relatives, there was the overstimulation of meeting the new people, being in a new, un-childproofed home with lots of breakables and tall staircases with no railings (that means lots of 'No, honey", "stop, honey" "don't do that" "don't touch that") and the behavior was again horrifying. And so was ours! The more he acted out, the more brutal we got. I will NEVER forget that day because at night, when he was acting all nuts and again bouncing on beds, hiding under beds, hitting, not being quiet....that was the first AND LAST night we ever spanked him. We realized that night that not only would spanking him not "work" (how offensive), but it would make things worse. We were very unenlightened back then. It was still all a power dynamic...we were the parents and it was up to him to behave. But he was just a little guy and now I can see why he was acting out. At home he had a routine. On vacation, there was nothing familiar, lots of new people, lots of stores and restaurants where he cannot touch things or "be a kid", and WAY way too much sitting in the car.

And that was something like a two or three day vacation. I would dare say that your little guy is coming down off that vacation and maybe needs a closer look through compassionate eyes...not so much "behavioral" eyes. It's probably not about him complying with your wishes...he may just have needs that need to get met right now and he is too little to understand or explain them to you.

Does that make sense?

[NellieKatz]

Continuing on that thought, I am now very conscious of whether my guy is getting his needs met, sort of proactively. If he's being bouncy and wild and I want to take him into a store for example, I will say, "do you have ya-ya's to get out?" (yes) "well let's do it here" and he gets to go nuts on the sidewalk outside the store. Then we do a deep breath to center ourselves, and then go in. That sort of thing. It's not all about us, although as parents (esp. if we were raised that way), it's tempting to think so. :-)

hope all that helps

[rocketgirl96]

Thanks NellieKatz for your replies. I totally get that the vacation disrupted his schedule but this seems to go way beyond that. Also, he had plenty to do during vacation - it was Disney World! He got plenty of time to get his ya-ya's out. hahaha Also, I don't think it's just he's got needs that aren't being met. I'm really trying to get him back on his own schedule and I'm very aware of his needs and really try to give him what he wants, give him choices, and make empower him. It just seems like no matter what I do or how much empathy I have, he always does the opposite of what I want him to do. Thank you for your support, I guess I'm hoping to get more specific suggestions on what to do though because everything I've tried doesn't seem to be working. Thanks!

[Violet2]

It could be a double whammy of vacation and a developmental thing. Lucky you!

Be strong. Just keep trying positive things and be patient.

If you have to walk away for a minute, do so. You never know, my DD calms right down when there's no audience.

Also, for toy throwing, he loses the toy, he must not want it, right? For running away when you are trying to hand him a toy, he loses the toy.

For the physical stuff, remove yourself or remove him from the scene and offer him something he can hit. When he is calm, talk to him about his behavior.

V

[Violet2]

Also, instead of a thinking time, give him a love in.

And give voice to his emotions, name them for him help him talk it out.

V

[sgmom]

Originally Posted by NellieKatz

My first thought was "why not investigate what's going on in his life and try to understand what he might be trying to tell you" (as little ones don't have the vocabulary etc. to express their feelings clearly)....but then I re-read and saw the words "two week vacation."

A two week vacation may have just upset his routines too much to handle.

This was sort of my first thought as well. And everything else that she said too.

[NellieKatz]

I have heard about (and tried) that technique of voicing what you think the little one is feeling, and it does seem to have a positive effect. Imagine the relief of being the child and knowing that despite your struggles, Mama was able to "get it" and know how you feel. I would expect that to have a calming effect.

When my guy was little, he would bite us too. On the one hand he is very, very tactile, physical, whatever you want to call it. But on the other hand he was angry. He was angry because he was picking up our anger. We could call it "gentle" but our boy was (is) very, very sensitive and I think he picked it up on his little radar. And biting was his way of fighting back.

When he stopped doing that, I don't know if it was the change in our parenting style, or the fact that he was growing out of it, or both.

[Heligirl]

Hi there. My daughter is 2 1/2 and this sounds sssooooooooo familiar. I think in addition to the vacation that changed his routine, he may well be in another independence development stage.

The first thing I recommend is to embrace the expectation that you won't stop the behavior completely. They're going to go through their "stuff" in their own way. However, we can sure help reduce it.

I found that when they act out negatively, they are trying to get 1) attention and/or sense of significance, and 2) power. When I supply both of these (which I had to learn in short order or I'd have started drinking wine until the pain went away ), I found the behavior reduced significantly.

I guess one thing we don't know here is your daily routine. Does he go to daycare or have a nanny, or are you home all the time? I work part time and the kids go to an in-home daycare twice a week. Those are the days that were the worst behavior wise. I learned that my daughter really just needed some alone time with me to connect each day. I got her up just a little earlier than I'd been doing (less rushing and "hurry up"). We'd snuggle in her bed and talk about the day. She was much better at getting up. I did this again when I picked her up from daycare, I got down on my knees and had her show me her art project, talk about what she did, have hugs, etc. for about 3-5 minutes before we left. Then a little more when we got home. The evenings got better. This is how I provide her need for attention proactively. When they're acting out, they need it even more, believe it or not.

For significance, she has some small chores she does. She has to take off her shoes when she comes in and her job is to feed the cats. We lay on the recognition when she does it, "Thank you for feeding the cats. They really appreciate it and so do we. See how they're happy to see you?" She beams and is now doing it without reminders or even recognition after. The cats getting excited when they see her is what makes her want to do it, I think.

For power, we offer lots of choices. "Do you want this or that?" or "You can have this or that." I've also found she gets more cooperative when I ask her what she's supposed to do rather than tell her. This was a real gem: She was refusing to wash her hands before dinner. Instead of nagging, I asked her, "What do we do before dinner?" She eventually realized, "Wash hands!" I excitedly say, "Yes, you're right!" At first I had to ask if she wanted me to join her or not, but soon she started running in and doing it herself. She had the power now, which made her want to do it rather than struggle with me over it.

So with all that background (hope you're still with me), I'd recommend giving your little guy a little more attention. It sounds like he's needing it right now. Undivided, no siblings, no phone attention for a little bit each day. Have him call the shots on what you're doing. Basically, fill his "love cup" if you will.

When he's acting out and throws a toy, ask what happens when he throws the toy. If he says no, or anything other than the right answer, you tell him calmly, "the toy goes away" then take it. Then talk to him, "I know you're upset that the toy went away, but I have faith you'll not throw it next time. What can we play with now? I'll play with you for five minutes, so do you want to play with the car or train?"

It doesn't work the first time, remember. You just keep trying and in time he'll feel you're responding to his needs.

Wow, this got long. Hope this helps. I write about this stuff on my blog so I got a bit carried away. Good luck!

Jen (aka Heligirl)

[gini1313]

Originally Posted by rocketgirl96

Thanks NellieKatz for your replies. I totally get that the vacation disrupted his schedule but this seems to go way beyond that. Also, he had plenty to do during vacation - it was Disney World! He got plenty of time to get his ya-ya's out.

Disney is very stimulating. Overwhelmingly so. Maybe he is having a "let down" now that it is all over? Or maybe he worked so hard to hold it together on the trip that he is letting it all out now that he is safe at home (ala Connection Parenting)? If his schedule was more relaxed on the trip, and he was overstimuated, held it together, is now feeling let down and safe... might be hard to get back on schedule for a bit.

I suppose he might have turned from a sweet, loving kid into a demon child randomly right after you guys took a big, exciting trip and it could be coincidence, but somehow I doubt it. I would bet that if you treat him lovingly but firmly (I don't mean let him hurt you), as he relaxes and settles back into being home, the behaviors will improve. Although, 2.5 can be a challenging age.

Good luck and hang in there. This too shall pass!!!