Help with 3.5 year old getting into other people's stuff!

[brittney_]

I need help with some logical consequences for DS. He's 3.5 (will be 4 in October) and we live with my parents and siblings. He is constantly going into everyone else's bedrooms and getting into stuff. We had those covers on the doorknobs so he couldn't get in, but he can get them off now. Usually I just remove him and tell him he cannot go into other people's space without permission.

It is becoming a huge issue in our house . My siblings (ages 10-17) are understandable frustrated, and often react badly. My mom thinks that I don't do enough and he needs more consequences (by which she means spanking). She said today that if "You don't do something about it I will".

I know the issue needs to be addressed, but I really don't know what to do. I have trouble thinking of logical consequences for DS. I don't think just talking to him about respecting others' space is working. I know that he knows what he's doing is wrong (he often taunts my youngest brother before he goes in his room ). It is so frustrating. I really need some ideas! Help!

[weezix]

i have no suggestions because i can't seem to figure it out myself. my three year old is in to EVERYTHING. i can't turn my back on her and everything i've tried hasn't made a difference. she even ended up with a 3 day stay in the hospital due to her curiosity and it hasn't slowed her down one bit.

i hope you get some suggestions. i'll keep watching this thread.

[ssh]

Some 3 year olds still don't have a lot of impulse control. What about hook things on the tops of the doors so he can't get in. Punishment won't help and will probably make him act out more.

[brittney_]

Originally Posted by ssh

Some 3 year olds still don't have a lot of impulse control. What about hook things on the tops of the doors so he can't get in. Punishment won't help and will probably make him act out more.

I've tried talking to my mom about that, she insists that he's old enough to know better. We had covers on the doorknobs but he can open them. I might see if I can find something else though.

I've been redirecting, and trying to show him respect for others' property. It just seems like it never changes anything . Maybe if I just remove him from the room without saying anything so he doesn't get positive or negative attention for the action?

[ssh]

There are lots of books and articles on development that say 3 year old are still developing impulse control. You could show your mom if she doesn't believe it. It's because the part of their brain that controls higher level functions is still developing.

[NiteNicole]

I would ask who is supposed to be supervising him while he's getting into this stuff? At 3.5, if you can't see them or hear them you can often bet they're into something.

[junipermuse]

My 3.5 yo is very independent. I would go crazy if I had to follow her around the house all day. Frankly we didn't do a whole lot of baby proofing when she was a young toddler because she wasn't very independent then and she was always with me, but now that she's bigger, but still lacks impulse control, we have done more baby-proofing. I ended up putting baby locks on all the cabinets with art materials because she was always getting into them. Frankly I feel that prevention is always better than punishment. If there is a way to prevent the undesired behavior I would go with that first. If there isn't a way to prevent it then you need to find a way to curb the behavior. If it was me I would tell Grandma that while some 3.5 yo do have the impulse control not to go into other people's rooms, children develop at different rates and in your ds's case, he has not developed that level of impulse control yet. Impulse control is not about "knowing" he shouldn't do something. He needs to be given time to mature. Since your mom and your siblings are the grown-up's in this situation they really need to take responsibility for their things and their space and put a lock on their door to keep ds out. If they are unwilling to that, then they will be the one's to suffer the "natural-consequence" of having their stuff messed with.

If you aren't allowed to take preventative measures I would just casually remove ds from the rooms when he goes in, and remind him calmly of the rule, not to go in to other's rooms. Then try to engage him in a new activity to distract him. If I felt myself getting angry with him or wanting to punish him, I would just remind myself (internally, not out loud) that the other grown-ups in this house have it within their power to make a change that would protect their things, and they are choosing not to take that action and instead place that responsibility of keeping their stuff safe, onto a tiny child.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by junipermuse

He needs to be given time to mature. Since your mom and your siblings are the grown-up's in this situation they really need to take responsibility for their things and their space and put a lock on their door to keep ds out.

The youngest of her siblings is only 10. A 10-year-old shouldn't have to be the one responsible for keeping his nephew out of his things. Besides, I can't imagine having to put locks on my doors because my daughter couldn't keep her son out of the bedrooms. It seems that if the OP is going to live with her mother and siblings, she's going to need to figure out a way to keep her 3YO from getting into everyone's stuff. I wouldn't want to live in a house where we all had to lock our bedroom doors.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

The youngest of her siblings is only 10. A 10-year-old shouldn't have to be the one responsible for keeping his nephew out of his things. Besides, I can't imagine having to put locks on my doors because my daughter couldn't keep her son out of the bedrooms. It seems that if the OP is going to live with her mother and siblings, she's going to need to figure out a way to keep her 3YO from getting into everyone's stuff. I wouldn't want to live in a house where we all had to lock our bedroom doors.

I see both sides of this. On one hand, yeah that. On the other hand, if the 3.5-year-old is living there, he needs to be accomodated as well. It's a balancing act between their needs. If her 3-year-old lacks the impulse control, she might not be able to figure out a way to simply keep him from going into their rooms.

[Adasmommy]

I think it's complicated by the fact that you live with your family. If it was YOUR house, you would probably just lock anything you didn't want him getting into. I agree with the pp who said prevention is better than punishment any day.

When I see that dd is unable to comply with a rule, I realize the rule is unreasonable (because she's not able to do it) and I have to rearrange life a little so the rule doesn't come up! For example, if I ask dd to leave me alone (let me nap, give me a minute to finish this email, etc), she gets nasty and clingy. Telling her to leave me just makes it impossible for her to do so, even though if I didn't ask her to leave me she might spend hours playing without me! So I don't ask her to leave me alone--I take the time I need when she's occupied, or I find a way to include her until she wanders off and I can be alone!

Sorry, I know this isn't about me. But I absolutely think locking the doors in some way is the solution and if the people who live there disagree, that's going to make things difficult. You're going to have to just always have an eagle eye on him. Sucks.

[junipermuse]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

The youngest of her siblings is only 10. A 10-year-old shouldn't have to be the one responsible for keeping his nephew out of his things. Besides, I can't imagine having to put locks on my doors because my daughter couldn't keep her son out of the bedrooms. It seems that if the OP is going to live with her mother and siblings, she's going to need to figure out a way to keep her 3YO from getting into everyone's stuff. I wouldn't want to live in a house where we all had to lock our bedroom doors.

Well when I was 10, my youngest sister was about the same age as the OP's ds and so my parents put a latch on my door up high out of little sister's reach. It was my responsibility to latch it when I left the room so that my sister couldn't get in and mess with my stuff. Ten is not too young to learn, that you can't control other people's behavior, only your own. I already tell my 3.5 year old that if she doesn't want her baby brother to mess with her things than she has to play with them where he can't reach them (up on the table or in her room). I can't be expected to follow him around and pull him away from temptation ever 5 seconds. That's what baby-proofing is for.

I guess my point is, that if the expectation is that the OP is solely responsible for preventing her son from entering rooms where he isn't allowed, then she needs to be allowed to take preventative measures, like putting locks on the door. Unless of course OP, you're living in your parents home rent free, and they've made it clear that its their way or the highway. In which case I guess I'd be looking for somewhere else to live because I personally wouldn't be able to deal with living somewhere where I couldn't baby/toddler-proof appropriately.

[ElliesMomma]

can you find a way to really connect with your child, like spending some quality quiet time together, and take that time to really explain to him why it isn't funny at all that he is continuing to go into his housemate's rooms and use their stuff. impulse control? really? i suppose maybe that could be the case, but my daughter turned 4 in april, and for her she's had the impulse control to restrain herself for quite some time... she would not have been doing that last summer when she was 3. i would bet that this is more about him getting some attention or somehow enjoying the whole drama of having others in the household angry at him, whilest mom "protects" him from threatened spankings, and mom struggles to find a gentle way to stop him. perhaps if you can find a way to communicate with him how it really is not in his best interest to continue to do this, the behavior can stop.

oh -- and be SURE to give him a dedicated spot where he CAN get into stuff. maybe you can offer to keep that area "fresh" with new, interesting things from time to time. like, cycle his toys in and out of that area, put little surprises there for him to discover. these don't have to be expensive store bought toys, just little things or creative things that you know he would enjoy... whatever those things might be. make that area truly interesting and novel on a regular basis, and give him lots of praise for using that area as his special area. (and then when that is a success, reinforce that the other bedrooms are a special space for so-and-so, etc.)

[ssh]

Some 3 year olds have impulse control, some don't have any yet. The normal range for a lot of skills in 3 year olds is really broad. Just look at what normal speech is for that age. Some kids are talking in small sentences and others are having really complex conversations. I know a couple of 3.5 year olds that get into everything they can reach. That the OPs DS is impulsive and very curious isn't her fault, it's fairly normal behavior.

[urchin_grey]

My nephew turns 3 today. The ONLY thing that has worked is putting a lock on the door. He knows what he's not supposed to get into because if he hears someone coming (there are 3 adults in the house), he'll panic and run. But it doesn't matter how many times we talk to him about it (he's very verbal), he does it again and again and again. Every single morning, he'd sneak something from the pantry and every single time, I'd talk to him about it and he'd act all ashamed and say "okay" but again the next day, he'd do it again. So now there's a lock on the pantry. We have a lock for the outside of our bedroom door in case both DP and I leave the house too because he took a wrench to our 37" TV. He sneaked into our room while my sister was cooking and smashed it. He was "sorry" afterward, but its not like a 3 year old really cares that his Uncle Bob is devastated that his TV is ruined.

[junipermuse]

My response is in Green

Originally Posted by ElliesMomma

can you find a way to really connect with your child, like spending some quality quiet time together, and take that time to really explain to him why it isn't funny at all that he is continuing to go into his housemate's rooms and use their stuff. impulse control? really? i suppose maybe that could be the case, but my daughter turned 4 in april, and for her she's had the impulse control to restrain herself for quite some time... she would not have been doing that last summer when she was 3. Yes there's no doubt that many 3.5 years old do have this level of impulse control (your own daughter is evidence to that) many do not. My daughter is also 3.5 and she has lots of trouble with impulse control and not going into rooms that she shouldn't, for example she often goes into my bedroom and wakes the baby while he's napping. She "knows" she shouldn't and even though she realizes that she'd rather have mama's attention to herself while he's sleeping, sometimes the temptation is too great to resist.

i would bet that this is more about him getting some attention or somehow enjoying the whole drama of having others in the household angry at him, whilest mom "protects" him from threatened spankings, and mom struggles to find a gentle way to stop him. perhaps if you can find a way to communicate with him how it really is not in his best interest to continue to do this, the behavior can stop. Even if its more an issue of attention than impulse control, one of the easiest ways to ensure that he gets no attention for the behavior while also preventing a power struggle would be to just put a lock on the door.

oh -- and be SURE to give him a dedicated spot where he CAN get into stuff. maybe you can offer to keep that area "fresh" with new, interesting things from time to time. like, cycle his toys in and out of that area, put little surprises there for him to discover. these don't have to be expensive store bought toys, just little things or creative things that you know he would enjoy... whatever those things might be. make that area truly interesting and novel on a regular basis, and give him lots of praise for using that area as his special area. (and then when that is a success, reinforce that the other bedrooms are a special space for so-and-so, etc.)This is a pretty cool idea and would be beneficial no matter what other steps were being taken to keep him out of the other rooms

[brittney_]

Originally Posted by junipermuse

Well when I was 10, my youngest sister was about the same age as the OP's ds and so my parents put a latch on my door up high out of little sister's reach. It was my responsibility to latch it when I left the room so that my sister couldn't get in and mess with my stuff. Ten is not too young to learn, that you can't control other people's behavior, only your own. I already tell my 3.5 year old that if she doesn't want her baby brother to mess with her things than she has to play with them where he can't reach them (up on the table or in her room). I can't be expected to follow him around and pull him away from temptation ever 5 seconds. That's what baby-proofing is for.

I guess my point is, that if the expectation is that the OP is solely responsible for preventing her son from entering rooms where he isn't allowed, then she needs to be allowed to take preventative measures, like putting locks on the door. Unless of course OP, you're living in your parents home rent free, and they've made it clear that its their way or the highway. In which case I guess I'd be looking for somewhere else to live because I personally wouldn't be able to deal with living somewhere where I couldn't baby/toddler-proof appropriately.

I'm not living here entirely rent-free, I pay a small amount of rent and contribute in other ways (should be contributing more, but that is a separate issue). We had doorknob covers on the doors, but DS can take them off. I would like to find something else, but my mom is not very receptive to the idea.

We will be moving out in about 8 months. This is not an ideal situation for anyone right now, and emotions run high often. I know that is part of the issue. I would like it to be more bearable for everyone in the house until we can move out though.

[brittney_]

Originally Posted by ElliesMomma

can you find a way to really connect with your child, like spending some quality quiet time together, and take that time to really explain to him why it isn't funny at all that he is continuing to go into his housemate's rooms and use their stuff. impulse control? really? i suppose maybe that could be the case, but my daughter turned 4 in april, and for her she's had the impulse control to restrain herself for quite some time... she would not have been doing that last summer when she was 3. i would bet that this is more about him getting some attention or somehow enjoying the whole drama of having others in the household angry at him, whilest mom "protects" him from threatened spankings, and mom struggles to find a gentle way to stop him. perhaps if you can find a way to communicate with him how it really is not in his best interest to continue to do this, the behavior can stop.

oh -- and be SURE to give him a dedicated spot where he CAN get into stuff. maybe you can offer to keep that area "fresh" with new, interesting things from time to time. like, cycle his toys in and out of that area, put little surprises there for him to discover. these don't have to be expensive store bought toys, just little things or creative things that you know he would enjoy... whatever those things might be. make that area truly interesting and novel on a regular basis, and give him lots of praise for using that area as his special area. (and then when that is a success, reinforce that the other bedrooms are a special space for so-and-so, etc.)

I have explained it to him over and over, and we will continue to talk about it, I think it just takes a long time for things to stick at his age/maturity level. That said, I think the attention thing is definitely true. Every time he goes into someones room, he gets a huge reaction. Even if I'm right on his heels and removing him, the offended sibling is usually screaming. It's frustrating for everyone. Hopefully spending more time with him (I work full time so it's hard) will help.

I have been working on re-organizing his toys.I'll try to work on giving him a space that's "his".

[junipermuse]

Originally Posted by brittney_

I'm not living here entirely rent-free, I pay a small amount of rent and contribute in other ways (should be contributing more, but that is a separate issue). We had doorknob covers on the doors, but DS can take them off. I would like to find something else, but my mom is not very receptive to the idea.

We will be moving out in about 8 months. This is not an ideal situation for anyone right now, and emotions run high often. I know that is part of the issue. I would like it to be more bearable for everyone in the house until we can move out though.

If your mother was okay with doorknob covers, why is she not okay with installing a little hook latch? What if you guys sat down as a family and did some problem solving/brainstorming of solutions. Explain to everyone that you really want to find a solution that works for everyone. Since they can see that the current solution isn't working maybe when they've looked at all the options they'll see that putting a latch on the door really is the best solution. And who knows maybe they'll come up with some other idea we haven't thought of yet. I would also point out to them that if this is an attention seeking behavior, more severe punishment is unlikely to help because negative attention is often better than no attention. And since you are paying some rent I definitely think it's reasonable to say Hey we're part of this family too and our needs should be taken into consideration.