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Multipule Personality Disorder? Fear? or Gut Instinct?

post #1 of 14
7/29/10 at 3:24pm
Thread Starter 
In 3 weeks I will start nursing school and my DS of 2.5 years will start at preschool 5 days per week. He has been home with me up until this point.

I am finding myself having virtual panic attacks daily, and can't figure out if I am just nervous for the changes or if the emotions I am feeling are due to the fact that I've really gotten myself in a pickle and all I want to do is stay home and be a mama.

DH wants me to go to school and for DS to go to his preschool, and thinks I am being emotional and overreacting. He is frustrated as I have gone back and forth several times about this-- but now my textbooks are bought, and DS's tuition is paid for. I don't know, maybe it is the "Understanding Pathophysiology" book that is making me nervous (and the 20 others just like it in a stack), knowing what I am in for if I start school yet again, and maybe it is knowing that my mornings with my DS are over, and that we have it so good right now and I went and wrecked it by thinking we needed "more"--

What is it about me (and I'm sure many others) that is never satisfied? I find as school draws near, I am angry at myself for thinking we have to change what is going on. Sure, our house is small, but, hey, we have one, right? And money is tight due to one income, but we've yet to be late on a bill.

Can someone please tell me what is wrong with me?! I feel like I have two personalities-- the driven one, and the one that just wants to be a mama.

Thanks for letting me vent, just feeling frustrated at my lack of direction...

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post #2 of 14
7/29/10 at 3:45pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by cakemama579 View Post
In 3 weeks I will start nursing school and my DS of 2.5 years will start at preschool 5 days per week. He has been home with me up until this point.

I am finding myself having virtual panic attacks daily, and can't figure out if I am just nervous for the changes or if the emotions I am feeling are due to the fact that I've really gotten myself in a pickle and all I want to do is stay home and be a mama.

DH wants me to go to school and for DS to go to his preschool, and thinks I am being emotional and overreacting. He is frustrated as I have gone back and forth several times about this-- but now my textbooks are bought, and DS's tuition is paid for. I don't know, maybe it is the "Understanding Pathophysiology" book that is making me nervous (and the 20 others just like it in a stack), knowing what I am in for if I start school yet again, and maybe it is knowing that my mornings with my DS are over, and that we have it so good right now and I went and wrecked it by thinking we needed "more"--

What is it about me (and I'm sure many others) that is never satisfied? I find as school draws near, I am angry at myself for thinking we have to change what is going on. Sure, our house is small, but, hey, we have one, right? And money is tight due to one income, but we've yet to be late on a bill.

Can someone please tell me what is wrong with me?! I feel like I have two personalities-- the driven one, and the one that just wants to be a mama.

Thanks for letting me vent, just feeling frustrated at my lack of direction...
Its more of an internal conflict than lack of direction. I would encourage you to trust your mothering instincts and see if these panic attacks come.

I have a friend who put her children in daycare so she could go back to school to be a nurse. Huge Mistake on so many levels. She now regrets it all. She tells me that she flat out ignored her desire to stay home and chose money and a career instead. her children have issues and she cannot get out now...or so she says.

Follow your deepest heart for your family!
post #3 of 14
7/29/10 at 6:24pm
So you've signed up for everything, but it sounds like you haven't made an emotional commitment to your new plan. It's understandable that you're panicked.

Can you commit to just one year of nursing school? Plan on re examining the plan at the end of the school year. Would that ease the panic a bit?
post #4 of 14
7/29/10 at 7:48pm
Thread Starter 
Ugh, journeymom, thank you so much. yes it would. had a heart to heart with my own mother-- she said the same thing. Perhaps I would be sabotaging myself if I backed out now. I should give it a try, knowing that anything can be reversible if it is THAT horrible.

She also brought up a good point. Some serious anxiety came about last week when I worked (I have a very part time gig right now) Thursday evening and then had an all day course Friday, so went a long time without having time with DS. I was broken up about it, but guess what? he was just fine... happy to see me and had missed me, but just fine all the same.

No one ever tells you that parenting is so hard, eh mamas?
post #5 of 14
7/29/10 at 9:47pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by cakemama579 View Post
Ugh, journeymom, thank you so much. yes it would. had a heart to heart with my own mother-- she said the same thing. Perhaps I would be sabotaging myself if I backed out now. I should give it a try, knowing that anything can be reversible if it is THAT horrible.

She also brought up a good point. Some serious anxiety came about last week when I worked (I have a very part time gig right now) Thursday evening and then had an all day course Friday, so went a long time without having time with DS. I was broken up about it, but guess what? he was just fine... happy to see me and had missed me, but just fine all the same.

No one ever tells you that parenting is so hard, eh mamas?
Parenting IS hard. YOU are best for your son.

Please reconsider thinking about this some more. I do not want you to experience regret for not following your heart. It seems like deep down you want to stay home and that really is okay. it is GOOD actually.
post #6 of 14
7/30/10 at 12:41am
s

It sounds like you are partly afraid of the work required, which is really normal. I started back to college last spring and it was soooo scary. I made straight As and it was such a confidence boost!

I think nursing is a super field. I have a good friend who is an RN who works 2 days a week in cardio rehab, so she makes a very nice hourly wage and still has a lot of time with her kids. She also has far more security than she would without her degree should something happen to her husband. Nursing is a field with better options for balancing work and home than most.

GOOD LUCK!
post #7 of 14
7/30/10 at 4:55pm
Mama, 2.5 is a *great* age for preschool, your little guy will love making new friends.

And you will be an awesome student.

Just allow yourself time to adjust. It will be hard, you won't know what to do with yourself at first, but you will soon be so busy with school that it will make the transition easier.

And I agree, nursing is a great field, especially for parents, because we are used to taking care of other people. Just give yourself permission to be a bit freaked out at first, and that is okay.

Let us know how it goes! And enjoy your little one. Maybe have a little party for the 2 of you, or a special date before you go to school and he goes to school.

I think it will be very inspiring for your guy to see mama working hard and accomplishing so much.
post #8 of 14
7/31/10 at 1:12pm

i relate to the mixed feelings. i'm also going back to school and my youngest is 7 and my oldest is 17 and i'm feeling on the one hand excited to start my midwifery program, but crazy worried that i am ruining the lives of my children!

can you try the first year and then take a leave of absence if you need to? at least that way you will know for sure whether it is your heart or fear speaking. good luck!
post #9 of 14
7/31/10 at 1:20pm
Just remember that it's important to your son that you accomplish what dreams you have. Getting an education is an excellent move for yourself and your family, and you will see how everything balances out. Don't back out before you start! You will regret it if you never even try, you know?
post #10 of 14
7/31/10 at 1:27pm
Well I disagree that things can always be undone. You can never get that year back with your son, even if you decide to quit school after the first year. You just have to exam your own feelings to find out what is truly the right move. And I wouldn't get swayed by the money already invested.
post #11 of 14
7/31/10 at 10:40pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
Well I disagree that things can always be undone. You can never get that year back with your son, even if you decide to quit school after the first year. You just have to exam your own feelings to find out what is truly the right move. And I wouldn't get swayed by the money already invested.
post #12 of 14
7/31/10 at 10:46pm
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the advice everyone, and I have to say what a mixed bag!

Short term I am nervous (as noted by the initial thread), but long term this decision is absolutely what is best for our family. Believe me, I have pined over the fact that I will never get a year back-- but I have to say, it isn't like I am going to stop being his mama or something. Our life circumstances will be a bit different, but we are going to make the most of our afternoons and evenings and early mornings that we have together--not to mention our weekends, holidays, summers, etc. What keeps me confident most of the time is knowing that for the past 2.5 years I have been home with my DS, and we are bonded tightly-- and that is forever.

We're going to try this thing in a few weeks, and I know it is going to be challenging for everyone...and if after a couple of months my husband and I reassess and feel like this isn't the right move for us, then I reserve the right to cease all school and stay home with him again, and figure it out from there. But you are right lazzybee, I'll regret it if I never even try!

And good luck mandib50-- a midwife, wow! I'm shooting for L&D myself, but want to be a staff nurse for a while and get used to the medical field before going any further. Lactation consultant for sure is in my future.

Linda good luck to you too, you're probably starting your own semester in a few weeks. I hope you get straight As again!
post #13 of 14
8/1/10 at 1:19am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
You can never get that year back with your son, even if you decide to quit school after the first year.
She's going to class a few hours a day/week. She isn't leaving the country!!!! She is NOT giving up a year with her son.

He is fine with her away. He will be doing other things he enjoys. He most likely will become closer to his dad as dad picks up some extra parenting time while mom is studying.

It *may* end up being a wonderful thing for their whole family.
post #14 of 14
8/2/10 at 3:48am
For decisions like this, I like to see it from the future point of view rather than the present. Right now, you are looking at the situation before it happens. Imagine yourself when your children are grown. Imagine yourself at, say, sixty.

When you are sixty, how do you think you will feel about the decision to put him in preschool or not put him in preschool? In the end, how you will feel about it after the fact is what is going to matter, not how you feel about it now.

Are you going to regret it five years from now? Ten? Twenty? Do you think it will benefit both of you in the end or no? I let that kind of thought process be my guide when I just don't know what to do
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Mothering › Mothering Discussion Forums › Parenting › Life as a Parent › Stay at Home Parents › Multipule Personality Disorder? Fear? or Gut Instinct?