What's a good age for baby #1 to be before you start on baby #2 - Page 2

[Norasmomma]

I say 3 year spacing is awesome for us, we had a pregnancy scare when DD was 9 months and it probably would have been fine, but I can tell you OMG there would have been serious hell on earth for us. DD was the most tantrum, crazy, fit throwing, "spirited" 18m-2 year old I've ever encountered. I remember talking to DH when DD was 19 months and asking him if we even wanted another and what would we do if we had another child like her

She was 3 when DS was born and 3 has been easy for us, the age gap perfect, my son adores his sister. She liked that she was a helper for him. I think that if she'd been younger her bewilderment could have been very destructive and I think honestly she could/may have hurt him, or lashed out at him. Instead with her having a bit more maturity she was much more understanding and she could articulate her feeling, instead of acting on them in more physical ways.

[akind1]

We are going to, not exactly TTC, but stop avoiding around the 1 year mark. Considered closer spacing, but breastfeeding/nursing is way to important to all of us (DH is very pro-BF) to chance maybe drying up during pregnancy. I want these first two babies to be close -in age, as siblings, etc - after that, I might want a break from the pregnancy/nursing go-round. We shall see!

[aikigypsy]

I decided to wait until 18 months to TTC, because I'd heard that it takes that long for your body to recover from pregnancy. Got pregnant on the first or second cycle (depending on what counts as a cycle) after pulling out the birth control at about 19 months, and I felt completely overwhelmed. That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, and honestly I felt like it just wasn't meant to be. We were in no way ready to have a baby that soon again.

I got pregnant again less than 3 months after my miscarriage finished off, about a month after DD turned 2. While I still feel slightly rushed for various reasons, this is much more comfortable in terms of where DD is developmentally. She's very verbal, and talks about "little baby brothersister" all the time. She's still nursing, but not nearly as much as she was.

So for me, 2 years between birth and conception is the smallest comfortable interval. I might have even waited longer, but I'm almost 40 and I'd like to get back to the working world some day (ideally after the youngest is at least in preschool or kindergarten). I like being a SAHM, and work a little bit here and there, but I don't feel like I can both be the best mother I can be and have a full-time or otherwise serious career.

[EdnaMarie]

At first I thought 20 months was ideal, so a 30 month separation or so, but now I think eighteen years would have been more practical.

[MamieCole]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

At first I thought 20 months was ideal, so a 30 month separation or so, but now I think eighteen years would have been more practical.

Sing it.

There is a 12 year gap between my first and second. There is an almost 3 year gap between my second and third. I highly prefer the 12 year gap.

We are done, but if we weren't, no way would I even consider having them less than 3 years apart. The thought of being pregnant while parenting a baby makes me

Then again, I tend to have high needs babies who sleep like crap, wake often, fight naps and need to be ON me 24/7. That *might* be influencing my opinion.

[Knitting Mama]

This thread is really making me stop and think! I know I said above that we wanted to TTC starting next year, but...well, let me back up and start at the beginning.

My sister has a girl and a boy who are 18 months apart. They're currently 7 and 5.5. They play very well together, and generally get along swimmingly. There's the usual sibling bickering from time to time, but whatever.

My brother's girl and boy are almost 4 years apart. They're currently 11 and 7. They can't play together without yelling and fighting, and it's always been that way. There just seems to be a big disconnect between them; they seem incapable of relating to each other.

So all along I have said that I wanted to have my kids close together so that they had built in playmates and got along well. My sister and I are around 22 months apart, and except for some teenage angst have always gotten along well.

But...now I realize that I am really, really savoring being Cecilia's mama, and I am afraid of losing that specialness when I have another baby. Does that make any sense? Like there's part of me that wants to wait for a long time, or not have a second child at all, because of how Cecilia means the world to me. And yet I want a ton of kids also!! Argh, I have no idea how to reconcile all of this, or even how to decide when it's time for another baby!

[SilverFish]

Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama

This thread is really making me stop and think! I know I said above that we wanted to TTC starting next year, but...well, let me back up and start at the beginning.

My sister has a girl and a boy who are 18 months apart. They're currently 7 and 5.5. They play very well together, and generally get along swimmingly. There's the usual sibling bickering from time to time, but whatever.

My brother's girl and boy are almost 4 years apart. They're currently 11 and 7. They can't play together without yelling and fighting, and it's always been that way. There just seems to be a big disconnect between them; they seem incapable of relating to each other.

So all along I have said that I wanted to have my kids close together so that they had built in playmates and got along well. My sister and I are around 22 months apart, and except for some teenage angst have always gotten along well.

But...now I realize that I am really, really savoring being Cecilia's mama, and I am afraid of losing that specialness when I have another baby. Does that make any sense? Like there's part of me that wants to wait for a long time, or not have a second child at all, because of how Cecilia means the world to me. And yet I want a ton of kids also!! Argh, I have no idea how to reconcile all of this, or even how to decide when it's time for another baby!

honestly, SO much of sibling relationship has to do with the personality of each sibling, and very little to do with age difference. obviously you can't expect siblings with a 10 year age gap to be best buds growing up, but the childhood years are quite short, and there is no reason two people with 10 years between them can't have a strong and healthy relationship through out their lives, as could two siblings with a 1 year gap. but you can't predict it without somehow seeing into the future and knowing your future child's personality.

my sister and i have an 18 month gap and while we played together as kids, we had a terrible relationship as teens and young adults and are still somewhat strained. i have some latent issues with my mom, and now as a parent myself, i'm starting to wonder whether the stress of being weaned at 8 months and becoming a big sister at 18 months (and by my mom's description, i was a classic HN's baby) have contributed to them.

anyway, i don't think that you should base your child spacing on your predictions of their future relationships with each other. there are much better reasons to space your kids closer or further apart... how capable YOU feel to parent a second or third child, what your plans for re-entering the workforce are, how many kids you want, you age, your financial status, but NOT because you think they'll magically be best friends for life because they are 10 months or 18 months or 3 years apart.

[LadyCatherine185]

Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama

This thread is really making me stop and think! I know I said above that we wanted to TTC starting next year, but...well, let me back up and start at the beginning.

My sister has a girl and a boy who are 18 months apart. They're currently 7 and 5.5. They play very well together, and generally get along swimmingly. There's the usual sibling bickering from time to time, but whatever.

My brother's girl and boy are almost 4 years apart. They're currently 11 and 7. They can't play together without yelling and fighting, and it's always been that way. There just seems to be a big disconnect between them; they seem incapable of relating to each other.

So all along I have said that I wanted to have my kids close together so that they had built in playmates and got along well. My sister and I are around 22 months apart, and except for some teenage angst have always gotten along well.

But...now I realize that I am really, really savoring being Cecilia's mama, and I am afraid of losing that specialness when I have another baby. Does that make any sense? Like there's part of me that wants to wait for a long time, or not have a second child at all, because of how Cecilia means the world to me. And yet I want a ton of kids also!! Argh, I have no idea how to reconcile all of this, or even how to decide when it's time for another baby!

I have 3 younger siblings, all 4 of us were born within 5 years. We faught a LOT. And I got along much better with my sister who was 5 years younger than my brother who was 18 months younger. My husband is the youngest of 3, and he and his oldest brother (who is 6 years older) got along great, while the middle brother played by himself a lot. It all has to do with personality. Just like my DS and some of his "friends." He has buddies the same age or a little younger/older, and he doesn't play well with all of them. But our neighbor who is 7 (so 5 years older than my DS) adores Liam, and Liam LOVES to play with him.

I also couldn't see wanting another baby while my DS1 was a baby, I just wanted to be Liam's Mama forever.. You will know when the time is right! Once my DS was 18 months and not really a "baby" anymore we felt like we were ready for another. We got pregnant right away, and it has been hard, but I am glad there will be about 2 years between the two. I see it being really hard for awhile, but we will be out of the "baby" stage sooner.

[EdnaMarie]

Originally Posted by SilverFish

honestly, SO much of sibling relationship has to do with the personality of each sibling, and very little to do with age difference. obviously you can't expect siblings with a 10 year age gap to be best buds growing up, but the childhood years are quite short, and there is no reason two people with 10 years between them can't have a strong and healthy relationship through out their lives, as could two siblings with a 1 year gap. but you can't predict it without somehow seeing into the future and knowing your future child's personality.

my sister and i have an 18 month gap and while we played together as kids, we had a terrible relationship as teens and young adults and are still somewhat strained. i have some latent issues with my mom, and now as a parent myself, i'm starting to wonder whether the stress of being weaned at 8 months and becoming a big sister at 18 months (and by my mom's description, i was a classic HN's baby) have contributed to them.

anyway, i don't think that you should base your child spacing on your predictions of their future relationships with each other. there are much better reasons to space your kids closer or further apart... how capable YOU feel to parent a second or third child, what your plans for re-entering the workforce are, how many kids you want, you age, your financial status, but NOT because you think they'll magically be best friends for life because they are 10 months or 18 months or 3 years apart.

I couldn't agree more. I fought with a sister who was exactly 24 months younger than me and I seriously doubt closer would have been better.

But since we grew up to be normal adults, of course we've reconciled now and I'm glad I have her.

You NEVER know what the personalities will be like.

[Tattooed Hand]

My DH and I both have much younger siblings (between 7 and 12 years difference). We were more of a second parent figure when they were little but we are close with them now and have been since they were teenagers. When I had DD, my 24 year old little brother flew out and helped me for a week by cleaning my house and doing my laundry. It was SO sweet!

I also think it's important to realize that you never know what you are going to get. I had no idea I was going to get such a high needs baby. I am 34 so I had planned to have one or two more pretty close together. Now, given DD and the fact that I am not taking for granted that the next one is going to be easy, I am not even going to contemplate TTC until DD is potty trained, STTN (or nearly so) and weaned. No way. And that's on good days. On bad days I think she will be an only child.

[Abraisme]

Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama

This thread is really making me stop and think! I know I said above that we wanted to TTC starting next year, but...well, let me back up and start at the beginning.

My sister has a girl and a boy who are 18 months apart. They're currently 7 and 5.5. They play very well together, and generally get along swimmingly. There's the usual sibling bickering from time to time, but whatever.

My brother's girl and boy are almost 4 years apart. They're currently 11 and 7. They can't play together without yelling and fighting, and it's always been that way. There just seems to be a big disconnect between them; they seem incapable of relating to each other.

From my experience this has way more to do with personality than age spacing. My sister and I are 2 years apart and we were AWFUL to each other, the same with my best friend and her sister (10mo apart). We get along now, but only because of years and years of practice..

My DD is almost 12mo and we plan on ttc as soon as my cycle comes back. I also think it's important to wait until around 12mo to ttc for breastfeeding reasons.

I would like to have mine be less than 2 years apart if possible, but that will depend on my body. That being said my DD is very sweet and easy going and I have pretty easy pregnancies. I'm sure my decision would be different if she was high needs or I got really sick.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

At first I thought 20 months was ideal, so a 30 month separation or so, but now I think eighteen years would have been more practical.

Saw this on new threads and thought that was hilarious! DS is almost 7. *If* we start TTC when I think we might, he'll be 9 or 10 when we have another baby. Can't say I'm thrilled with that big of a gap, but it's what works for our family.

[Peony]

I agree agree that it is personality that makes sibling get along or not. My sister and I were 24 months apart, we spent our entire childhood trying to kill each other. I''m not talking about simple bickering but rather end in the ER fights. A wider spacing would of been greatly beneficial for us, to this day we barely tolerate each other. Now DH and his bro were 7 years apart and got along wonderfully and had a much closer bond as adults.

My first two fight all the time as much, but my eldest is umm, rather annoying a lot of the time. She is very fond of #3 who is 6 years younger then her and "mothers" him consisting. She told me yesterday that he was HER baby (he is 1) not mine.

[2xand2y]

Originally Posted by VillageMom6

I totally respect your right to your feelings but I disagree with your assertion that less than two years is a mistake.

When I had two that were 14 months apart it was easy-peasy. It was like the blessing of twins but one of them was older and more manageable (read, sleeping through the night!).

The second baby was my most comfortable pregnancy and fastest labor (45 minutes). Once the second baby was a few months old, they became bestest buddies.

But like I said... there are pros and cons to every child spacing and every family has a different set of circumstances.

IMVHO- in my very humble opinion

So, not an assertion, just my opinion. It is based on my own personal experience. I'm glad the 14 month separation worked well for you and yours! I'm equally as glad that it wasn't me. The faster labor would have been much appreciated though.

[lookatreestar]

we started ttc at 17 months(conceived on the first try), that was the soonest i felt ready mentally. looking back i could have easily waited another year. it was hard on my body and even though my dd nursed straight through i know there was a short time where she was with little to no milk and i felt terrible about that.

plus even at 3 and 1 they both still need a lot of mama time, but dd is really starting to blossom and turn to dh for more things.

oh and eta yes it is all about personality, an ex of mine had a brother a year apart from him and it was always a competition and they never got along. my dh has a brother a year younger than him and they get along the best out of the siblings. so you never know!!!

[MaybeSparrowMaybe]

Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama

This thread is really making me stop and think! I know I said above that we wanted to TTC starting next year, but...well, let me back up and start at the beginning.

My sister has a girl and a boy who are 18 months apart. They're currently 7 and 5.5. They play very well together, and generally get along swimmingly. There's the usual sibling bickering from time to time, but whatever.

My brother's girl and boy are almost 4 years apart. They're currently 11 and 7. They can't play together without yelling and fighting, and it's always been that way. There just seems to be a big disconnect between them; they seem incapable of relating to each other.

So all along I have said that I wanted to have my kids close together so that they had built in playmates and got along well. My sister and I are around 22 months apart, and except for some teenage angst have always gotten along well.

But...now I realize that I am really, really savoring being Cecilia's mama, and I am afraid of losing that specialness when I have another baby. Does that make any sense? Like there's part of me that wants to wait for a long time, or not have a second child at all, because of how Cecilia means the world to me. And yet I want a ton of kids also!! Argh, I have no idea how to reconcile all of this, or even how to decide when it's time for another baby!

i TOTALLY get it...!!!! we have a DD who is 3 months old, and at first i was like ohhh i want so many children! (ok well maybe after i healed a bit better down there HAHA!) but then part of me thinks, no way i want to wait and savour my first baby, because i know i wont have all that time to savour a second baby, and gosh i feel guilty saying that!
but i know i dont ever want an only child. most ppl seem to space 2 yrs apart, but *sigh* its so hard.. im thinking of natural family spacing too, but wonders how that is in reality..

[youngspiritmom]

Quick random thoughts on spacing -

If you are planning to send your kids to school (ie not homeschool), a lot of times the school year gap can factor into your planning (ie do you perpetually want two kids at different schools, at the same schools etc., can you get away with a 2.5 year gap instead of 2 year gap, and still have them 2 years apart in school etc.)

Also other factors to consider are
-how strong your body feels (can it handle another pregnancy, tandem nursing, etc.,)
-if your marriage is strong enough to handle adding another baby (trust me - this is an important consideration when going from #1 to #2, after #2 its a whole new ball game)

For us, we are even considering times of the year that the due date will be in helping us determine spacing (maybe you hate the thought of a winter baby or have a partner who has summers off and could help you?)

Also, maybe when discussing all the personality stuff, you could look into horoscope compatiblity with baby #1 If you go for that kind of thing hehe

And remember...you may not get the spacing you want...so maybe have a window of time for spacing you like and start TTC in the beginning of that window etc.

[P.J.]

This is one of those very unique, personal choices. It depends on so many varying factors what will work for you...which may be what would NOT work for another family.

For me, and I only just became a mum a couple months ago, I would not even want to imagine what it's like to have two babies, or a baby and a toddler at the same time. From seeing almost all my friends have kids before I did it seems like after 3 years old a child is more of a kid and the baby years are over (as already mentioned, weaned, toilet trained, and using words more than screaming to communicate), so for me this sounds like about the right age (meaning we would TTC around 2- 2 1/2 years). I have also heard that at three a child is developed to the point where jealousy and sibling rivalry are not as common, I guess because after that age they are not as needy and can play more on their own. But of course every child is unique and will not fit that picture, and obviously jealousy and rivalry happen at all age gaps.

Also for us our own age is a factor as I'm 36 and my husband is 52....I don't really want to get pregnant again much after 40 and we want our kids to have their father around past their teen years, ya know! So if we have a second we will do it soon after our first turns two.

But really, only you can know what;'s right for your family.

[angelachristin]

I would never plan to get pregnant until my oldest was at least 2 years old, because I believe it is very important to nurse for at least 2 years. I got pregnant with DD a month and a half after DS turned 2, and that was perfect for us. He did nurse throughout my pregnancy and we tandemed for about 6 months after she was born, but I had little to no milk from about 16 weeks pregnant on until DD was born, he was just comfort nursing. I believe it is important to nurse and to have milk for 2 years so that is why I waited. I know some say "Well, my milk dried but I kept nursing," but to me that is not the same as having the 2 full years of nursing before pregnancy.

[dakotablue]

I 'wanted' to do a minimum of 18m, preferably 2 1/2 to 3 year spacing as that seems to fit children's general social development well.

That being said I am now pregnant with #2. We were relived it wasn't twins. The will be almost 17m apart.

I guess I truly at the end of the day I don't think God would give me anything I can't handle and I completely believe every child is made with the hand of God. Science still cannot explain how perfectly healthy eggs and sperm cannot make babies sometimes and how a man with almost zero sperm count can father a child without help. (it was two years of trying before we were blessed)

I'm not sure what we will do (avoid or not) after this one. I guess if I had a high needs baby I'd feel a little different.