i am soooo tired of doing it alone...

[meemee]

... and i dont mean a partner. a partner would be just one thing.

but i have NO ONE to catch me if i fail. it is such a scary feeling when if anything goes wrong there really is no ONE place for sure you can go to. like a parent, or good friend, or sibling, or relative.

just one person where you know you can turn to if anything happens.

i have a whole group of people around me to support me but i have to go ask for it. i hate that. get pieces and parts from different people.

right now there is a lot of uncertainty in my life. a lot is going on. i am overwhelmed. nothing is falling into place as it should. there is a tonne of research that i have to do, new things to learn that totally overwhelm me.

change is scary and things will all work out. it always invariably does. at the last minute.

but to be able to just go to a place - and just be - to get out of the panic attack - with no questions asked - but just someone there in case you need to talk or need some understanding - i dont have it.

it seems the whole world is collapsing around me - and i dont have a rock to just go and curl under.

i have been living on the edge for 8 years. i dont know how much more i can take.

[JunipersMom]

Have you been to a church? Not that religion is the key ~ but its a great place to go to find groups that could offer support

[HappilyEvrAfter]

I totally know how you feel.

My closest relative (father) is 12 hrs away and has three toddlers of his own to deal with.
I'm in a small town with people who move in and out on a constant basis.

The best advice my father gave me is to take the time and put forth the effort to build a support group.....even though I've been in a steep job learning curve and am an intense introvert.

It's been slow going and the last two years have not been easy, but i'm finally getting one or two people who I'm begining to trust and can lean on a bit...when I ask.

I don't want an in-home partner, but (like you) a nice "no holds barred" support person would be decadent!

You know this, but trying to take one simple thing at a time helps even when multiple fires are blazing.

:s::

[cycle]

[MissLotus]

It's hard - I know. And it sounds like you're on the cusp of trying to change things about your life, a lot to take on by yourself when you're also a single parent. I don't have family near, either. Like, you, I have "pieces and parts" from different people, which I appreciate, but I don't feel I can just show up at someone's door and just collapse on the sofa. I see people with sisters who live nearby, etc, and just hope they know how lucky they are.

You always sound so positive - and you deserve be able to let your guard down sometimes... I just think you'll make it through okay!

[vocalise]

[One_Girl]

I felt like this almost every semester until I graduated, then it got worse afterwards until I got a job. We have cheap counseling for students (from actual psychologists) at our school and I used to drop in every once in a while to just vent. That helped a lot. I also stayed active at one of the religious student centers (despite not being a religious person) and it was nice to be somewhere where I could relax, be known, and find other people going through a lot of the same things.

When we are in a transition from one thing to another I get really tense and tend to try to plan a lot to make sure all of my ends will meet. I have found that during those times I stay up way to late and worry way too much and this stresses my dd out. Once I realize what I am doing I make sure to get all my caffeine in before noon, get the sleep I need, and let go of a lot of our restrictions about tv and food. We eat way to much fast food and watch way too many movies during these times, but these things help keep me from falling apart and that helps my dd. I don't know that anything can really help during this time, I never feel like it can. It does end and things do get better. I hope you get through this quickly and things start looking up.

[over_the_rainbow]

As an immigrant to this country I have zero family around me (even the in laws are in a different state) and it certainly contributed to my PPD. STBX would work 12 hour days when Little Dude was a newborn and I would literally be stuck in the house alone or days on end with no help.

Luckily I do have a couple of really good friends here who when I bothered to open my mouth and ask came to my aid. But I am feeling very intensely now I am single how all the pressure is on me and how if I don't succeed here there is no one behind me to catch if I fall. I really don't have an option but to keep it together

Therapy helps me tremendously. Someone who will just let me talk and let it all hang out so to speak lol

When I feel overwhelmed I take a big deep breath and tell my mind that I can do anything one little piece at a time.

mama you will get through this too.

[meemee]

awww thank you all mamas.

i am just drowning in self pity.

EXACTLY mislotus!!!!! EXACTLY!!!!! i dont have one place to just go to and collapse on the couch. i miss that sooo much.

just one place where i know things will be ok no matter what.

i feel like damocles sword hanging over my head. one slip and ex would happily fight for custody when really that is the worst thing that could happen to dd. he is still not ready to have dd for a long time. life is still too much about him - inspite of all he does do. and he does quite a lot for dd.

i am sooo overwhelmed with soooo much happening. how am i going to find time and keep them as priorities. dd's education and health cant get off the priority list. there is sooo much research to do and learn. how will i carry on when school starts?!!!!

anyways - everybody is having a great summer and all away. so i had nowhere to turn to and so posted here.

thank you mama's. at least you guys are here.

Junipersmom oh gosh YES!!!! i dont know where i would be without the people at my church helping me. they are my 'pieces and parts'. i go to different persons for different things.

my life today IS amazing. i swear if i wrote a book it would make a fantastic movie. just to show people how much help is really out there.

One_Girl - oh yes movies are my glue too that stops me from falling to pieces. watching inspiring movies help me up. ugghhh like right now my child is watching hannah montana. ewwww!!!!! ooh TG she just changed the channel. whew!!! we both never got into fast food but its chips and icecream for us. oh onegirl my dd has anxiety so i cant show her my 'worrying' side. i have seen what worrying does watching my mom and i dont want to be there.

ultimately its all perspective. a switch needs to flip inside me and i will be better. nothing needs to change outside. i still havent figured out how to flip the switch yet. or even where the switch is these days.

[littlecappy2010]

Hugs mama! I can relate. I have gone from being without a home to building a lovely little life for myself and my son, complete with a "family" that I have made of friends and neighbors, BUT I had to step outside of my reclusive hermit self and once I did, blessings rained down on me. People generally want to help, but they will not know how unless you ask. I know it can be hard, but try...

[mandib50]

i felt that way also as a single mother, and it is definitely pity-party worthy. but i know that you are strong and capable and will get through this. i wish there were some easy answers for you.