Help, Mamas! Why can't I get this right?

[newmamalizzy]

I've had one of those days when I'm convinced that I'm doing an awful job being a SAHM to my adorable 4-month-old DD. I wake up with hope and a new plan every day, but it just seems like I can't get this right and every days ends with me feeling discouraged and guilty. First, it seems like DD just isn't sleeping well at night. She's waking when I know she's not hungry and she doesn't seem ready to be awake. Our mornings, therefore, begin with a crying baby and me pleading with her for five more minutes of sleep. I always feel a little annoyed at her for being awake, then I feel guilty about not being thrilled to wake up to her sweet little pouty face.

The real problem, though, is that I just can't seem to find any balance to our days. We're between baby carriers and can't afford a new one, so I spend a lot of time with her tucked into one arm while I try to do chores with the other. She's right there with me, but it seems like so much of the day is taken up by what I need to do that I have hardly any day left to focus on her. (And please note - I don't try to do anything that I don't consider absolutely essential. I cook only every three days. I tidy up the house a little. I do laundry. I wash bottles.) I put her down in her car seat to get ready to go out, and she gives me this beautiful engaging, hopeful smile - she's going to play with mommy! It breaks my heart to strap her in and stick her in the car.

I had been feeling really isolated, so in the past week or so I decided we needed to get out more. We started going to a new mom's group 2x a week, and I've been going to visit my mother and sister more often. The result? I feel better, but it's been so detrimental to DD! Every time we do something she spends the rest of the day overstimulated, never naps, never seems calm. My chore time is cut, so I'm more stressed, too, even though the connection with other mom's has been so helpful. The worst, I think, is that she doesn't sleep in the car. She starts wailing back there in her seat, and what can I do? I'm forced to let her cry it out, something I never ever do otherwise.

It just never feels right. I can't explain it. I always feel like I'm doing too much for myself, but also feel like I need MORE time for myself, that Bea and I aren't having enough meaningful time together, like the times of her good moods don't coincide with the time I have, like neither of us are getting enough sleep, like Bea's getting crankier and not having time to develop her skills...Shouldn't we be more in sync with each other by this point? I'm trying so hard to be a responsive parent. Why, why can't I get this??? Why does every day feel like a disaster?

Please - I need mama wisdom.

[october]

This is so outrageously crazy. How could I POSSIBLY be reading a post that I could have written, WORD FOR WORD???

I also have a 4 mo DD, she also had just started wailing in the car (she loved it as a newborn, but now the car seat and car rides are hell). I actually had to STOP visiting my mom and sister because she can't be in the car longer than 10 minutes.

Today was the first time I NEEDED to go on a 10+ minute drive and I chose to let her cry while I tried singing and talking to her, but I just couldn't stop the car to soothe her. I knew there was nothing wrong and that it would just make it take longer to get where I needed to go. But it felt so horrible I was refraining from screaming myself. And my conscience kept telling me I was practicing CIO and that I was horrible for doing that.

Also, DD is NOT sleeping well at night anymore either. She STTN for 4 weeks from 5-9 weeks, but ever since then it's been a downhill spiral. She went from giving me 6-8 hours to always needing to nurse every 1.5 to 2 hours. Always. How did THAT happen?

ALso, she now wakes in the middle of the night ready to play. She shows me how she can roll over and rock tummy time. She laughs and giggles and smiles, flashing all her charisma and joy. I put her in the crib last night and slept for 45 minutes while she played alone. It was either no sleep or sleep for that duration and I chose sleep.

I now take one nap with her in the morning. It helps.

As of today, nothing entertains her for long. NOTHING. She was miserable and cranky all day, and it was not her teething or hunger or anything we could pin point. It was just plain boredom, understimulation, and tired of the same old tricks.

I feel your pain. Hopefully someone will have some advice for us.

[Oceanone]

My baby girl is 6 months now and I can tell you that 4-5 months was the hardest time I had with her. It was just like you said, it's exhausting and demoralising. I wonder if it's a phase. I heard a lot about a 4 month sleep regression. Well mine definitely had that.

The days got better and better for us.

It's important to adjust your expectations, especially in regards to chores. Some days mine were so low I couldn't help but feel like an achiever at the end of it!

Find some little things your babe likes to do. For mine it was lie on the bed and read little books together. Baths together. Looking at things in the garden etc. She did lots of her tummy time with me laying on the bed and I would prop her up on my stomach. Walks with a stroller or sling. Do these little things with Bea every day.

Slowly, slowly it will make sense and your Bea will be more at home in the world. For me it didn't click all at once. I think you are doing the right thing reaching out to other mothers, getting out and doing things. It gets better, so hang in there and enjoy all the little things. You are doing the most important thing right now, being with your baby. Whenever there is a sink full of washing up to do, I try to remember that.

[jdg]

I sympathize with feeling like you aren't "matching up". And I'm still new at this myself and don't have much advice.

Are you swaddling Bea at nighttime? I've found that Francesca will wake for the littlest thing and not be able to go back to sleep if she isn't swaddled, but if she is swaddled (and sometimes with a pacifier) she half-wakes, wiggles, sometimes even talks in her sleep, but she STAYS asleep. This has made overnights and naptimes so much more successful for us.

[Nicole730]

I know you said you don't have money for a carrier, but could you make a wrap out of something you already own? Like cut a sheet into three strips and sew them together, then wrap up like a moby and have her face you, when you are out visiting and she needs a nap?

I would try and focus on one goal a day - and that's it. Whether it be doing the dishes, doing a load of laundry, making the bed...etc. Then, as that gets managable, starting doing two things a day.

For me, getting out of the house is essential, everyone feels better if we do something, even just a walk around the block or a trip to the store to browse.

[Tway]

Wow--the more I read here, the more I feel like a normal mother. Thank you, mamas!!!!

Yes, yes yes that was me a few months ago. I used to dread seeing DD's eyes open in the morning, because it meant no more sleep for me and another day of "what do we do now???". Then I'd feel horrible for having such a thought. I also used to feel guilty for taking time to do chores or having me time, yet desperately wishing I could just have some time alone.

It gets so, so, so much better. DD is now 9 months and sleeping a little longer, and interacting a lot more. Although I don't feel completely rested, I do feel able to get up and get through the day, and DD's newfound skills mean we interact and laugh and enjoy our time together a lot more.

Hang in there. You're doing a terrific job!

[Knitting Mama]

Originally Posted by Nicole730

I know you said you don't have money for a carrier, but could you make a wrap out of something you already own? Like cut a sheet into three strips and sew them together, then wrap up like a moby and have her face you, when you are out visiting and she needs a nap?

I would try and focus on one goal a day - and that's it. Whether it be doing the dishes, doing a load of laundry, making the bed...etc. Then, as that gets managable, starting doing two things a day.

For me, getting out of the house is essential, everyone feels better if we do something, even just a walk around the block or a trip to the store to browse.

I was coming in to suggest the sheet for a wrap!! My woven, non stretchy wrap is my absolute favorite anyway, and it's literally just 6 yards of cotton gauze. If getting the gauze isn't doable, go to a thrift store and find a flat sheet to make your own. The nice thing with the versatility of a wrap is that you can do things like wrap your babe forward facing for some things (like doing chores so she can see and you can narrate what you're doing, or if she's like my Cecilia, 4 months next week, during things like grocery trips) and then you can wrap them inward facing for naps.

Speaking of narration-- are you counting times that she is with you and you are actively talking to her about what's going on as bonding and learning time? Because it totally is.

Chore time: Can you get help? Can you ask for your mom and sister to visit at your house so that you can keep doing chores while someone snuggles the baby, and you all can keep talking? This is what my mom does. She saw that I was getting overwhelmed with trying to keep up with everything with Cecilia in tow, and she started coming over once a week to either help me clean or to play with Cece while I cleaned.

As far as the mommy's groups go, that's a tough one. Cecilia doesn't like to sleep when there are all sorts of kids around either (she is fascinated by older babies!) so I try to make sure I've structured her day so that she has napped just before we go to mommy's group. That way she's energetic there, and is generally ready for nap when we get home a couple hours later.

[1blueheron]

nak

5.5 mo here - days just got easier like a week ago here

hang in there

[TnMsMama]

it DOES get better. The ONLY way I was able to get anything done when my daughter was that age was to put a bumbo chair in the bottom of the pack n play and sit her up in it - she hated laying on her back in it, wanted to be UP.

Pack n play in the kitchen, and then I'd sing, dance, shake my bootie, etc while washing up (great exercise btw) and she'd watch and giggle.

I have 4 slings/carriers and could never figure any of them out, so I had to improvise - the bumbo/pack n play was definitely the winner.

DD is 10 months old now - still not sleepnig great but better, and loves her pack n play, plus, since she's walking, i just let her loose in the kitchen and she "reorganizes" the tupperware cabinet for me while I cook or clean.

[Sri Radha]

I only have advice about the car. My daughter HATED her infant seat from 2 months on. She would scream and cry so much she would choke. I read that many babies who hate the car do better in a convertible seat. Two weeks ago we got a Britax convertible and the difference is astounding. It is almost unbelievable how much more she enjoys the car! You will need a new one eventually anyway so you can't lose by trying it.

[Quinalla]

Sounds just like something I could have wrote (but I wasn't together enough to even post on these forums ) when my DD was 2-3 months old or so.

As another poster said, you carrying her around while you are doing chores is interacting with her! And if you don't feel it is enough, then narrate what you are doing, that makes it even better. But yeah, my girl still enjoys being in my arms or the bjorn while I do laundry/dishes/etc for 20 minutes or so, when she was that age, even longer usually. It is a nice change of scenery for her and I talk or sing to her too a lot of the time.

You mentioned visiting your family members, can they come visit you instead or at least split it 50/50 or something since your baby doesn't like the car. Is there a place set up at their house(s) where she can nap (if she will nap by herself that is)? My DD went through a period like that where she hated the car for more than a few minutes, though one thing I did find is that she was sometimes getting too hot in the carseat, worth checking because that seriously pissed her off, poor baby But yeah, I still have a ready supply of toys and singing/talking to her helps too.

And I wanted to address being upset/angry/etc. when she wakes up too early and probably needs to sleep more. For me, I was upset because I was counting on at least 30min-1hr more of sleep or time to myself and I wasn't getting it. I figured out to try not to have any expectations and just take it as it came, her sleep is finally settling down to be a bit more predictable at 8 months, though it definitely was improving slowly (with some nights or weeks that were worse of course) that whole time though.

Getting out of the house is also essential to me and her, on weekends I make sure we get out once per day or we both start going a bit nuts. Have you tried doing shorter trips? At that age, I found if I was gone for more than an hour (from leaving the house to getting back) I was usually asking for trouble. And I always tried to leave at her optimum time, so she would wake up from her nap, I would change her and feed her and then we would immediately go.

[lolar2]

Sounds like she might be in the process of switching from three naps to two. If you can try putting her to bed super-early, like 6, sometimes that helps with the grumpies.

[newmamalizzy]

Thank you so much everyone for all your support and advice. Knowing that this is somewhat normal makes me feel so much better. A few follow-up comments/questions:

October: I hope your little girl (Eden Magnolia is a fantastic name!) is back on track after her grumpy day. I'm envious of the morning nap.

Originally Posted by Oceanone

Slowly, slowly it will make sense and your Bea will be more at home in the world. For me it didn't click all at once. I think you are doing the right thing reaching out to other mothers, getting out and doing things. It gets better, so hang in there and enjoy all the little things. You are doing the most important thing right now, being with your baby. Whenever there is a sink full of washing up to do, I try to remember that.

This is really lovely advice. Thank you.

Originally Posted by jdg

Are you swaddling Bea at nighttime? I've found that Francesca will wake for the littlest thing and not be able to go back to sleep if she isn't swaddled, but if she is swaddled (and sometimes with a pacifier) she half-wakes, wiggles, sometimes even talks in her sleep, but she STAYS asleep. This has made overnights and naptimes so much more successful for us.

We had to stop swaddling when Bea was in a Pavlik harness for her hips from 1 - 2 months old. I'm not sure she would tolerate it anymore, but we'll definitely give it a shot.

Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama

I was coming in to suggest the sheet for a wrap!! My woven, non stretchy wrap is my absolute favorite anyway, and it's literally just 6 yards of cotton gauze. If getting the gauze isn't doable, go to a thrift store and find a flat sheet to make your own. The nice thing with the versatility of a wrap is that you can do things like wrap your babe forward facing for some things (like doing chores so she can see and you can narrate what you're doing, or if she's like my Cecilia, 4 months next week, during things like grocery trips) and then you can wrap them inward facing for naps.

How does the non-stretchy wrap compare to a stretchy? We used to use a Moby, but Bea simply will not tolerate it anymore, in any position. Just a phase, maybe? Or might she like the non-stretchy wrap better?

Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama

Chore time: Can you get help? Can you ask for your mom and sister to visit at your house so that you can keep doing chores while someone snuggles the baby, and you all can keep talking?

I really, really wish I could, but somehow my relationships with my mom and sister are complicated enough that it doesn't work out very well and I end up more stressed than ever, AND Bea doesn't let anyone but me and sometimes her dad hold her anymore

Originally Posted by Quinalla

I figured out to try not to have any expectations and just take it as it came,

Yes. I will try.

Originally Posted by lolar2

Sounds like she might be in the process of switching from three naps to two. If you can try putting her to bed super-early, like 6, sometimes that helps with the grumpies.

Hah - 3 naps to NONE!!!

[Knitting Mama]

I only tried the Moby once, and I just didn't feel like Cecilia was secure in it. I was not a fan of the stretch. I'm very used to using my woven wrap now, but I don't think it took me that long to get used to it. You could practice with a doll or something first, until you got the hang of it. This is how I carry Cecilia 99% of the time, as she rarely tolerates being inward facing anymore.

[akat]

Also, keep in mind that this does not go on forever, even if you don't feel like you get any better at handling this age. It gets a lot easier in a couple few years.

[asraidevin]

Originally Posted by october

TAlso, DD is NOT sleeping well at night anymore either. She STTN for 4 weeks from 5-9 weeks, but ever since then it's been a downhill spiral. She went from giving me 6-8 hours to always needing to nurse every 1.5 to 2 hours. Always. How did THAT happen?

ALso, she now wakes in the middle of the night ready to play. She shows me how she can roll over and rock tummy time. She laughs and giggles and smiles, flashing all her charisma and joy. I put her in the crib last night and slept for 45 minutes while she played alone. It was either no sleep or sleep for that duration and I chose sleep.

I now take one nap with her in the morning. It helps.

As of today, nothing entertains her for long. NOTHING. She was miserable and cranky all day, and it was not her teething or hunger or anything we could pin point. It was just plain boredom, understimulation, and tired of the same old tricks.

I feel your pain. Hopefully someone will have some advice for us.

At 4 months most babies do have a wakeful period when they wake in the night to play. You can search it. My son is approaching 4 months and I'm watching for it.

[texmati]

I just wanted to say, I felt like a terrible mother around 4 mos. My child is still a fussybutt, but it has gotten so much easier.

There is hope! I will sleep through the night again. (Maybe not this decade, but it will happen!)

[Kmama2]

Just wanted to say it will get easier when baby can sit and play with toys or crawl/scoot around. 4 months is a hard age because most of the time they can't yet sit... they have to lie down on the floor but they are older than a newborn and need more stimulation/attention/talking too/playing with. I would put my son in the bouncy seat so I could make dinner and he would waill... and give me this "Im bored- come talk to me face" Once he started rolling around and scooting and sitting and crawling he just went everywhere and my life got alot easier. It will get better. It sounds like you are a great mama. Hang in there.
As far as the car goes. Most of us experience that. My almost 10 month old still crys hysterically in the car sometimes and it breaks my heart but there is nothing that I can do. He has to be buckleled in and sometimes we just have to go places.
I also remember feeling lots of guilt/ boredom when I was home with my first. Always wonderingf if I am doing things right.

[MiaMama]

With DD1 at that age, I was astounded to find that not enough naps during the day = awful sleep at night.

For 2 days, I resolved to get NOTHING done and just watched her. Around the same time every day, she would get sleepy or even fall asleep. So, during those time, I did whatever she needed to fall asleep. I have NO problem nursing my kids to sleep for naps, at 4mo, my goal was for us all to sleep regardless of method (and my LO was born tiny, so I nursed her as much as possible).

I let her fall asleep on the boppy, and I put on a quiet movie for me 2 or 3 times a day, and just let her nap for a hour or more in my arms, relatching her immediately if she stirred. I got nothing done during those few hours, but the rest of the day and the night was MUCH better, so I ended up coming out ahead.

I also had a carseat screamer who was reformed when we switched to a convertable Britax. With DD2, we didn't ever bother with the bucket.

Now that DD2 is here, I can't veg on the couch anymore because DD1 is 3.5 and not in daycare. DD2 only gets her naps in carriers, and its never enough.