I really like the idea that most of our unhappiness comes from our belief that things should be other than they are. It helps me to think that if I can accept what is, I won't be unhappy because I won't be worrying about the ideal picture in my mind; I'll be living in the moment and experiencing it exactly as it was meant to be.
But that thought isn't consoling me as much as it usually does lately.
On Friday, I received news that my ds (9) has been diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder. I was prepared for the news, and I realize that I'm processing it as any other parent would, but I really wish I had someone else to share this journey with. Usually I feel pretty confident in my solo-parenting status, but in this case, I really wish ds had another parent to bounce thoughts and feelings and ideas off of.
Ironically, were his dad still alive, I'd probably still feel pretty alone. He wasn't the type to do a lot of research about treatment options or mobilize in putting supports into place. But he would have talked with me about it and shared his feelings and participated in just weaving a strong web of love around our son right now. (Background: we split up when I was still pregnant, but co-parented amicably. Three years ago, he died of a painkiller overdose after succumbing to an addiction he battled on and off for years. He had been hiding his relapse quite well, and his death was a real shock.)
At any rate, I'm just feeling really alone with it all right now. There's so much to do and think about in regards to this new information, and I'm also single parenting my toddler, so I'm feeling like I'm spread a bit thin, too.
On top of all this, a few nights ago, for the first time since his dad passed, ds expressed his grief in a verbal and obviously sad way. He was crying and telling me about how he goes around acting normally, that people think he's kind and happy and everything, but that he's actually sad that he doesn't have a father and SCARED that I'm going to die and he's going to be an orphan. He said he feels like he can't talk about it with other people because he doesn't want to depress them and because he doesn't want to scare other kids into thinking that they could lose a parent, too. It was so heartbreaking.
We talked about it for a long time, and I'm actually glad that he's at a point where he can really express that side of his grief to me.
But I'm also sad. Just sad for him and for me and for his dad (who is really missing out on so much great stuff) and for the "ideal" that isn't the "real", I guess. Just sad.
But that thought isn't consoling me as much as it usually does lately.
On Friday, I received news that my ds (9) has been diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder. I was prepared for the news, and I realize that I'm processing it as any other parent would, but I really wish I had someone else to share this journey with. Usually I feel pretty confident in my solo-parenting status, but in this case, I really wish ds had another parent to bounce thoughts and feelings and ideas off of.
Ironically, were his dad still alive, I'd probably still feel pretty alone. He wasn't the type to do a lot of research about treatment options or mobilize in putting supports into place. But he would have talked with me about it and shared his feelings and participated in just weaving a strong web of love around our son right now. (Background: we split up when I was still pregnant, but co-parented amicably. Three years ago, he died of a painkiller overdose after succumbing to an addiction he battled on and off for years. He had been hiding his relapse quite well, and his death was a real shock.)
At any rate, I'm just feeling really alone with it all right now. There's so much to do and think about in regards to this new information, and I'm also single parenting my toddler, so I'm feeling like I'm spread a bit thin, too.
On top of all this, a few nights ago, for the first time since his dad passed, ds expressed his grief in a verbal and obviously sad way. He was crying and telling me about how he goes around acting normally, that people think he's kind and happy and everything, but that he's actually sad that he doesn't have a father and SCARED that I'm going to die and he's going to be an orphan. He said he feels like he can't talk about it with other people because he doesn't want to depress them and because he doesn't want to scare other kids into thinking that they could lose a parent, too. It was so heartbreaking.
We talked about it for a long time, and I'm actually glad that he's at a point where he can really express that side of his grief to me.
But I'm also sad. Just sad for him and for me and for his dad (who is really missing out on so much great stuff) and for the "ideal" that isn't the "real", I guess. Just sad.
mama. lots and lots and lots of hugs.
