Need some perspective

[juniper_mama]

My nine month old has been nursed to sleep for nearly every nap and bedtime for his whole life. He can fall asleep in his stroller while we're out walking so I know he CAN fall asleep without the nipple in his mouth but if we're home, its the only way. This hasn't bothered me to date but I'm getting to a point where I'd really like DH to be able to put DS to sleep sometimes. It wouldn't be so bad if once he were asleep, he would stay asleep but for the last several months, he wakes within 25 minutes of falling asleep and then another hour later and another hour later. And its getting worse - I've been up 6-10 times every night this week. I can never go out in the evening (I'd just like one girls night please!) or spend time with DH or read a book or anything because by the time I sneak away from DS in my bed, he's about to wake again. Will this last forever or will he just naturally at some point learn to put himself to sleep?

As a side note, I'm feeling extra frustrated because it seems that all of the mothers in my mothers group are sleep training and it makes me sick to hear about it. They seem to think they are nipping bad habits in the bud. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way thinking of trying this - I just wonder if I am creating bad habits and if I should make gentle changes now.

[mackeysmark]

I am in a similar situation. My little one is 13 months and waking up every 1 to 2 hours. She is very restless too. Naps are not great either...only sleeps on me, nursing. I am wondering if I am creating a monster? I would also love to be able to go out for a girls night at some point without my husband texting me to come home... feeling your pain and hoping to figure out a change. I feel as though I am doing everything that I should be doing, but she just isn't having it.

Losing patience and not happy about it.

[mizzoh]

no, it wont last forever and yes, he will at some point learn to put himself to sleep. it may be a while, though... my ds was always nursed or rocked to sleep, would only nap on me and woke numerous times at night. now, at 4, he is a great sleeper and has been this way since he was 2 or 2 and a half. (i think weaning and being done with teething were factors in this.) he does now put himslef to sleep ( we lay down with him) and puts himself back to sleep if he wakes during the night ( we co-sleep), all things i never thought he would do on his own.

sounds like you really need some sleep! i remember those sleepless days and nights. hugs

[mamabeca]

oh, I remember those nights too! EEK!

1. He will eventually learn, but if you aren't willing to wait that long (and for SOME kids it's 4-5 yrs old, for most around 2, and for a few before then), you may need to talk w/DH about some changes.

2. My dh learned some VERY interesting ways of putting ours to bed w/out all the screaming and crying, nursing, or even food. He set up his own routine, and it worked. We started when my dd was about 9 mos and my ds around 12 mos. That's when my intuition told me they could handle a real change. If dh hadn't been willing to be flexible and work at this a bit, I'm not sure I could have done it. I did have to leave the house for this to happen. He just wasn't motivated enough if I was here, and I was too sensitive to the crying that happened early on - they settled into the program w/out too much fuss, I was told...

3. If you want to be part of the change, be willing to listen to him cry. It's hard for them to make adjustments like this. They don't like it. They like nursing, being cared for in the way that they are used to, and the milk is a plus too! One good friend of mine, a very gentle soul, told me once that it took her 3 kids to be able to let the baby cry on her at night to get over night nursings - one night, but it was HARD.

4. Once you are over the hump w/dh being the caregiver, it will get easier. If you don't want to do the multiple nursings/wakings at night, can dh sleep w/him one night out of the week (say, Sat?) and you can sleep in a different bed? I wouldn't push that too hard, splitting up the fam. is a big decision in some ways, but getting some sleep might be worth it in the short term.

Hugs mama - we have been there and proudly wear the t-shirt that says "I respect my kids but love to sleep!"

[sammymama]

My DD is the same way, except that she has never fallen asleep in her stroller (she's almost a year now), and has only fallen asleep in the car seat 4 times, all after getting pretty upset and then passing out. Anyhow, I had to drop a line because for me one of our worst "phases" in terms of sleep was at the 9 month mark. DD's night wakings got SO crazy; I started thinking about things we needed to start doing, ie sleep training (not that I could handle CIO), night weaning, something, because I was losing my mind being so tired!! I'm happy to say that it passed after about 3 weeks and then has steadily evolved into more sound sleep with each passing week. For us, that means we are regularly getting 2, 3, and even 4 hour stretches at night now (that is a miracle compared to her earlier days). So of course every baby is different, but I just wanted to shine a little light at the end of the tunnel for you - the 9 month mark is a crazy developmental time and as you move past it you may well move into more sound sleep as well.

[juniper_mama]

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement! DH keeps saying its just a phase but it's so hard to believe when you're nearly delirious half the time!

3. If you want to be part of the change, be willing to listen to him cry. It's hard for them to make adjustments like this. They don't like it. They like nursing, being cared for in the way that they are used to, and the milk is a plus too! One good friend of mine, a very gentle soul, told me once that it took her 3 kids to be able to let the baby cry on her at night to get over night nursings - one night, but it was HARD.

This has been suggested to me by a few people now and I'm thinking of trying it out but it does seem to me to be on the CIO continuum. I would LOVE for DH to be able to settle DS at night but not sure I can handle hearing him cry (even if in DHs arms) when I know that milk would knock him out eventually. I think I'm not ready to do it yet though because as sammymama says, it could pass soon anyway.

How do you mamas deal with hearing other mamas that you respect talk about sleep training? It's always framed in terms of "oh my poor LO, it's so hard!" and I think, good grief, why do you treat your babies differently than you would your partner or anyone esle for that matter? I think I'm still learning how to accept other people's parenting ideas but I can't help feeling like an advocate for LOs and I hate to think of them alone in their beds crying it out. On the other hand, it seems to work and that makes me crazy right now too!