Why is my kid different?

[Phoenix~Mama]

I wasn't sure if this was more a blended issue or a single issue, or what...

But anyway, I'm just sad for my DD. She managed to sick again this week (her Dad's weekend). It seems like it's just a cold. She isn't running a fever or anything, but had a heck of a time sleeping last night because of being congested.

So I call him this morning to let him know and I let him make the decision if he still wants to take her overnight or not tonight.

He was a bit agitated and said he can't afford to get sick again. (she was sick two weeks ago, she had been to the doctor and they thought it was just some minor stomach thing. she had started eating fine and stuff the day he took her, but he ended up getting the stomach bug and was out of work two days)

I said I can understand that, but did let him know she isn't running any fevers and seems her normal self until at night where the congestion makes sleeping difficult.

He then said he couldn't jeopardize getting his DD1 sick. I became a little hurt/agitated at this point because we ALWAYS took DSD for the weekends when she was sick. I can't tell you how many times DD got a cold from her big sister visiting.

I said as much to STBX and he just said, yeah I know... but I really don't think she should come if she's sick. I love how there is always a double standard with his daughters.

It makes me sad because I KNOW DD misses her Dad. She has been asking for Dada the past two days, and it breaks my heart.

And it's agitating because DSD came over all the time with a cold. I told STBX from like age baby to 10 or something around there kids almost have perpetual colds, as the early years are devoted to getting things and building their immune system. I told him straight out that I'm concerned that if he sets the precedent that he can't take DD when she has a cold, he may not get to see her very often at all.

(which on one hand I don't care, good, keep her away from the UAV... but on the other hand, it more breaks my heart because I know she loves her Father and she needs to see him)

It's this icky catch 22 kind of place.

[PoppyMama]

She's probably different because they are a lot more work at the age your daughter is...less frustrating but more physical labor. I know it sucks for your little one but maybe if he keeps canceling his visitation with her it will be harder for him to get overnights with the new one.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

She's probably different because they are a lot more work at the age your daughter is...less frustrating but more physical labor. I know it sucks for your little one but maybe if he keeps canceling his visitation with her it will be harder for him to get overnights with the new one.

*nods* That is the positive light I'm looking at it in. And of course this was all written in my notes.

It doesn't help when my Mom is in my ear telling me how DD is going to end up with a male abandonment complex. She says I have to try to get ex to come down during the week to see DD, that two weeks is too long for her age to go without seeing someone. And I agree... and even told ex he can come over 1-2 times a week during x hours. Of course I was told, "but when will I sleep?" blah blah blah...

I almost lost it the other day because we had to go back to our old house to get a few more odds and ends that are still down there. Ex hasn't lived there in a month, and DD has gone to see him in his new home, but as soon as we pulled up in front of our old house, her little legs and arms start going and she's yelling, "Dada Dada Dad!" She knew exactly where we were, and expected him to be there. I felt awful.

[kryztuh]

My DS is 22 months and everytime he sees a man when we are out he says "Da-DDDYYYY" and points with such enthusiasm. It breaks my heart, too. And he even sees H for a few hours every week...

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by kryztuh

My DS is 22 months and everytime he sees a man when we are out he says "Da-DDDYYYY" and points with such enthusiasm. It breaks my heart, too. And he even sees H for a few hours every week...

*nods* My DD has begun doing this too... even pointing at pictures in magazines laying around of men, saying Dada?

s to you and your LO.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama

He was a bit agitated and said he can't afford to get sick again. (she was sick two weeks ago, she had been to the doctor and they thought it was just some minor stomach thing. she had started eating fine and stuff the day he took her, but he ended up getting the stomach bug and was out of work two days)

I said I can understand that, but did let him know she isn't running any fevers and seems her normal self until at night where the congestion makes sleeping difficult.

Guess what, buddy? Sometimes kids are sick, and parents take care of them when they are sick. He can't afford to get sick, but you, pregnant with a chronic illness can?

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama

He then said he couldn't jeopardize getting his DD1 sick. I became a little hurt/agitated at this point because we ALWAYS took DSD for the weekends when she was sick. I can't tell you how many times DD got a cold from her big sister visiting.

I said as much to STBX and he just said, yeah I know... but I really don't think she should come if she's sick. I love how there is always a double standard with his daughters.

And it's agitating because DSD came over all the time with a cold. I told STBX from like age baby to 10 or something around there kids almost have perpetual colds, as the early years are devoted to getting things and building their immune system. I told him straight out that I'm concerned that if he sets the precedent that he can't take DD when she has a cold, he may not get to see her very often at all.

Your DSD came over because he had you there to take care of her.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot

Guess what, buddy? Sometimes kids are sick, and parents take care of them when they are sick. He can't afford to get sick, but you, pregnant with a chronic illness can?

Yeah, I mentioned that to him too... Considering two weeks ago, I did end up getting the stomach evil virus too, except being pregnant it became worse for me because I was still not able to keep water down after 9 hours and became really dehydrated and ended up getting mild contractions and having to go to the hospital to get fluids via IV.

He called me that night and said, "Not to be cold and heartless because I know you're sick, but you need to figure out how to get DD picked up tomorrow because I have to go to work, you know."

He ended up getting sick that night, and I had to go get DD in the morning, only hours after being released from the hospital.

Your DSD came over because he had you there to take care of her.

Valid point...

[violet_]

Yes, what Pink said.

Also, your daughter is younger, and he apparently can't deal with her as well yet. This is why you should not worry about him seriously going for overnights at four months. He can't handle a 2-yo with sniffles!

[simplemama32]

Hugs to you, mama.

DS was sick a few weeks ago, and the first thing STBX said when I told him was a comment about how he (stbx) really didn't need to be around anyone sick right now because he couldn't afford to miss work. I understand that, sort of, especially since he'd been unemployed forever before this, but really?? That's the FIRST thing you have to say when I tell you DS is sick?!

I totally get you on the "catch 22" thing!

[Phoenix~Mama]

The receptionist at my pedi. office said the perfect thing to me on Friday. We were trying to set up DD's next visit and she was offering another Friday and I'm like, "um, I'm not sure who's weekend that will be now since STBX may not take DD this weekend."

And she is like, "oh no let me guess... because she's sick? I hear this all the time and it gets me so agitated. What I can tell you, have you ever seen it in the court papers 'these are your weekends, except when your child is sick?' No, I haven't. If he is the Dad, and he just as easily take care of HIS sick child."

STBX didn't come get DD until Saturday morning because getting her at 6:00 pm when he finally got up would have been too late according to him. (Never mind I guess that he rose all kinds of chaos to come get her at 9:00 pm the night before Father's Day when I had told him he could get her Father's Day morning because he never asked for that Saturday and we had just recently separated so had nothing official to go by)

The real kicker... when he came to get DD he had his DD1 with him... who had a heavily congested chest cough going on. But he wasn't sure if he could take our DD because she ran a fever for a couple of hours??

[Ione]

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama

The receptionist at my pedi. office said the perfect thing to me on Friday. We were trying to set up DD's next visit and she was offering another Friday and I'm like, "um, I'm not sure who's weekend that will be now since STBX may not take DD this weekend."

Not to beat a dead horse, but...

the part I bolded is *precisely* why you need the every-other-weekends defined by the calendar, and not by who had the kids the past weekend.

With e-o-w defined by the calendar (i.e. odd/even, counting the first Friday of the year as the start of weekend #1 (odd)), you would still know whose weekend it was going to be, no matter what he did with *his* weekend.

Then, you could plan, make appointments, etc. AND only if it was convenient to you to give up one of your weekends to let him make up a weekend he skipped out on. And when it wasn't convenient to you, you could say (and have court support if needed), "that's my weekend, I have plans. You'll have to wait until your next scheduled weekend."

[laohaire]

I'm not single so I'm crashing, but I honestly see this as something that you had a very big hand in.

You called him up and ASKED him if he wanted to take DD. And was not surprised when he said no.

Stop asking him. If its his weekend, it's his weekend.

[Phoenix~Mama]

And it continues... I'm having such a hard time wrapping my mind around this/accepting it. I just can't figure out why a parent would just all of a sudden "abandon" their kid. I know he hasn't entirely, but I can't shake that feeling that he really doesn't care about our DD. And I just don't get it.

I talked to STBX last night to get the time he would be coming today to visit DD, as I have impressed upon him that he needs to visit her at least once a week because going two weeks time at her age it too long and she really
missed him last this happened. He told me he would come around dinner time, 5:00 pm. His reason was, "I have to sleep at some point you know."

He gets out of work at 6:00 am (the latest, normal time is 5:00 am), that is 11 hours. He is working Saturday morning not Friday evening, so he will also have Friday normal evening hours to sleep.

He also used to not sleep at all during the day Friday after work and just sleep that night as he was with DD in the morning, and then he'd pick DSD up from school at 2:30 pm.

So why is it now he cannot manage to come down and spend that time with DD?

And if two "extra" hours of his time is too much for him... then why in the world is he fighting me and taking me to court over custody at all?? It makes no freakin sense in my head.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I know this is hard, and I can't imagine having an ex that didn't want to spend time with my baby. BUT - you should get a temp agreement (even if its not ordered by the court) to ease your mind a little. Write something up that says when he will have weekends, when he will have visitation during the week, where it will happen, who's responsible for pickup/drop off, etc.

Ask him to sign it, tell him that its temporary and that one you've finished going through the court process you'll have a final agreement/order that can be changed if things aren't working the way this is written up.

This way you'll know when he's supposed to show up, and if he doesn't you can just document it as a missed visit. It's hard, but the best way to handle it is as though its a business relationship (even though I know its not).

[rightkindofme]

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama

And if two "extra" hours of his time is too much for him... then why in the world is he fighting me and taking me to court over custody at all?? It makes no freakin sense in my head.

Well, you know he wants as low of child support as possible. That means as much custody as possible, right? And uhm... sadly... I bet he is going to fight you more over custody of your son because he's a boy. I wouldn't be surprised if part of his attitude is 'he already has a girl'.

I'm sorry.

[nextcommercial]

She is young, and he's probably more tired than he was.

PLUS, he had YOU there to help. If he's alone, and doesn't have help, he probably doesn't want to be solely responsible for two kids, one of which is sick.

Sadly, very often Daddy can't "hang in there" the way moms can. I know this is a mean thing to say, but in general, Moms are more willing to be inconvenienced by our kids, and it doesn't really seem like so much work. But, dads seem more lost and put out by having to miss out on sleep.

Some dads happily rise to the occasion, but many just can't or don't.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by violet_

Yes, what Pink said.

Also, your daughter is younger, and he apparently can't deal with her as well yet. This is why you should not worry about him seriously going for overnights at four months. He can't handle a 2-yo with sniffles!

Yup. That's my ex - he loves loves loves to hang out with our almost 8 year old, because it's easy peasey. On the other hand, he literally can't handle more than 48 hours with our almost 3 year old because she's a lot more work.

I hope you have all this documented for the court proceedings. Also, I agree with Ione re: having regular EOW. My ex and I don't mind switching up the schedule to accommodate each other occasionally, but if my ex arbitrarily decides he can't take them one weekend, or wants the weekend off - he waits until his next weekend rolls around.