School clothes/supplies

[TnMsMama]

My DS is starting Kinder in a few weeks and I'm freaking out a little bit about school clothes/supplies. I have to admit - we stay home and spend most days in our jammies, so his clothes are pretty limited.

I've started shopping for school clothes, getting things on sale here and there, and stock piling (not letting him wear them, or even see them, so they'll be clean and fresh for school) but really, I need help.

I asked my DS's dad for some help, and he looked at me like I was asking him for the MOON. "We've got THREE kids to get ready for back-to-school" he told me. "we" being the woman he lives with and HER three kids.

He hasnt' paid child support regularly EVER (even tho it's court ordered - he just doesn't work, because when he works, they garnish his wages and "that's not fair") but his "wife" works, so I think that they should be able to help out with school clothes.

Am I being unreasonable? Should her "three kids" factor into MY need to dress my kid for school?

PS If this needs to go to blended families, let me know...

[doubledutch]

of course you're not being unreasonable. he has an obligation to provide financial support for his child, and his chosen circumstances don't change that obligation.

otoh, it's probably not reasonable for anyone to expect his new woman to support herself, her three kids, him (an able-bodied adult, it sounds like), and his child. it sounds like he needs to work. but i guess you can't make him do that, and apparently neither can she!

in terms of you and your child's immediate needs, though, i guess you know you can't count on him. since it's summer, i'd watch for rummage sales. often if they advertise in the newspaper or on craigslist, they will mention "boy clothes 7-10" or something like that, so you'll know which sales might be helpful. since you've already started some stockpiling, maybe it would help to make a list of what he needs, then check off what you've already got, so you know exactly what you're still looking for.

good luck!

[TnMsMama]

Not that it matters - but to give some insight - it was her idea for him to quit his job to stay home with her kids - she gets free daycare and she can work full time w/o any garnishment. When the judge asked him why he didn't work he said "I'm a stay-at-home-dad to my girlfriend's kids" - seriously, he said that, to a judge at a child support hearing.

(In my defense, he's VERY good looking. LOL)

[meemee]

Originally Posted by TnMsMama

Am I being unreasonable?

Mama this question is the no. 1 worst question that a single mom can ask.

it brings with it frustration, stress and loads of unhappiness.

i have worked very hard to stop asking this question.

it is a question that destroys me. completely. nothing causes me as much stress as this question - because there is no answer to it.

i learnt to be self sufficient regarding financial issues. i just did not factor getting anything from him into our lives. do what you can legally, but dont expect one thing more. hey he is getting away without working and his ex wife probably doesnt want to hand over any of her money to you.

at least now you know how much help your ex is going to be in this regard.

this is a good time you are looking for school uniforms. look for sales. at some places i have seen tops for 1.99 and bottoms for 2.99. buy with winter in mind. because winter is not that far away. even if you have just two sets you can keep washing and wearing. sad i know. but doable.

Life sucks!!! esp. as a single mom. i just find life soooo unfair, i wanna scream.

... BUT there is a rainbow. i can see how being a single mom has an effect on dd and me. how this struggle has us work together and get even more closer. how my dd has had to learn much earlier than her other friends that life sucks and she has decided to be ok with it. i compare her with her other friends. in fact my friends compare her with other children and she seems so much more resilient, so much more understanding of life.

[doubledutch]

Originally Posted by TnMsMama

(In my defense, he's VERY good looking. LOL)

[cycle]

I agree with the pp who said post on craigslist about what you are looking for. Also, hit the yard sales this summer and good will stores. I see stuff at good will with tags still on it.

To answer your question, no, you are not being unreasonable at all. He has an obligation to help support his child, and no, his girlfriend's kids should not impact whether he supports his own or not.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by TnMsMama

(In my defense, he's VERY good looking. LOL)

I can't even say that about ex

To answer the original thread though.... no, not unreasonable. And I think it's bull that he doesn't have a job and isn't contributing

However, from my past experiences, I would live my life and never count on any help from him. If he throws a couple bucks your way then consider it a bonus, but never count on it.

My ds is entering 1st grade. His bio-dad has NEVER bought him any clothes (except once when ds was 1 he bought him an outfit that was like 4 sizes too big for him (it was a size 5T.... ds had just turned 1!) It still had clearance tags on it so I'm pretty sure he just walked into walmart and grabbed the first thing he saw without putting any thought into... oh.... what size ds was!). His bio-dad has never helped with back to school clothes, shoes, backpacks, lunchbox, supplies, etc. I don't ask and don't count on any help.

He does, however, get his wages garnished so ds does get child support. His new wife seems like a.... ..... though and I think she'd kick his butt if he quit work and she had to support him. So I've got that going for me.... LOL! The cs goes directly into a bank account that I don't even have access to until I go to michigan. So it just gets saved up in there for awhile, I don't count on it to survive anymore.

[confustication]

No, you are not being unreasonable, but you can't count on him either.

And the judge let him get away with that? Really?

*sigh*

Hindsight is great- if we could just see these guys through the lens of 20 years experience with who they really are it would be a whole lot easier.

Also, I've never had help getting school stuff for DD. In the six years since he has seen her he hasn't paid support, hasn't checked in for a birthday, hasn't ever called, contacted her, or written a simple card. I just heard from him- he is filing for legal custody while I have physical custody so he keeps getting his 'with dependent' pay from the military.

[TnMsMama]

The judge kicked his butt - he avoided being served for a while so finally they kicked in his door, arrested him on multiple warrants and told him "oh btw, you're served". It was delicious and awesome and I'm a terrible person for being gleeful about it. His girlfriend's parents paid $1000 to get him out of jail, and that $1000 went to us. Only money we've seen.

I'm quite blessed in that I have a wonderful man now (also deliciously attractive but also smart and hardworking!) who supports us and lets me stay home - he can and will buy DS all the school clothes he needs but he shouldn't HAVE to, ya know? We're far from rich but we can make ends meet, and pay the electric bill late to get him the clothes he needs or whatever.

What extra chaps my patoot is that ex gets EOW weekend with my son. No child support, ever, and get spends 3 days in jail, in 5 years, but if I miss one visitation, I can be arrested for KIDNAPPING. Seriously.

My son is actually on his way to his father's today. If I really wanted I could probably get it stopped but I know DS loves his dad and his step-sibs over there and frankly, I'm pregnant and have a 10 month old and could use the break. Step-mom is a nice lady who adores DS so I know he's safe and loved.

I just sent HER a facebook message telling her that I'd buy the school clothes if they buy his shoes. Since he's there this weekend and she JUST posted that she bought J (my ex) a new Playstation, DS BETTER come home w/ a new pair of shoes.

[RollerCoasterMama]

I don't know how it would work if he's not bringing home ANYTHING...but shouldn't he have a minimum obligation if he's able to work? It's not much, but it would build up. You might get something from his tax refund (unless they learned how to file the "innocent spouse" form to exempt her income). And some day he's going to have to work again - one would hope - and that backlog would start coming to you.

That completely stinks. Hopefully this isn't over yet and the just is just getting started!!!

[EdnaMarie]

Originally Posted by TnMsMama

(In my defense, he's VERY good looking. LOL)

Sorry, not a single mom, I was looking at the thread title, but I could say the same of my DH... okay, back to your problem, you have the right to child support (or rather, I should say, your son has the right to his father's support) but I wouldn't wait on it if I were you.

Good luck with the shoes, though.