3.5yo obsessed with violence and death/dying

[InMediasRes]

I realize that this is stuff they have to work through, but I'm not sure how to handle a couple of specific things.

He seems to be working on emotions and which actions make people feel which emotions, so he wants to play this game where he takes a toy away from me and he wants me to act sad. Then he gives it back. Encourage or discourage?

He also talks a lot about killing - mostly dragons , but he also has asked me to tell him stories about a "monkey who's being naughty and then gets killed". Or he wants a story about him doing something dangerous and dying/getting killed/choking, etc. Um no, buddy, I'm not going to tell stories about my own child getting killed. Is there some other way to work through this one?

I also hear him talking a lot about guns, and I get a lot of questions about how they work, HOW they hurt, how old he has to be to have one, etc. His grampa has guns and goes hunting, etc., and he has seen the neighbor kids playing with very realistic toy guns, but we're still not in agreement about our gun policy at home.

I also catch him hurting himself from time to time, as though he wants to see what it feels like to be bitting, hit on the head with a toy, etc. He has also asked me to hit/kick/pinch/bite him. I want to get across that it's not okay to hurt anyone EVER, but he really seems to want to know what it feels like too. I'm not sure on this one.

He asks about animals dying, what happens to them, how they could be "unkilled" etc., and I answer those questions as honestly and age-appropriately as I can. Any suggestions for my specific situations?

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I don't really know, I've never gone through that with my own kids.

But, I do have a friend who's kids had access to guns. The guns were locked up in gun safes. But, the guns were a part of their lives.

At age four, Dad took both kids to a gun safety class for 4-6 year olds. Then, he took each one (12 yrs apart) to the firing range and taught them how to shoot. It's not as exciting to shoot a gun when you have been given permission to do it.

The son's friends were fascinated with the guns and always asked C*** to get them out so they could look at them. C*** always said "not a chance", because he'd taken the classes and been taught how powerful and dangerous guns are.

Since Grandpa has guns, it might be a good idea to teach your son about gun safety, and let him have a chance to see them, hold them, and watch Grandpa shoot them. (I think 3 is too young to shoot them himself)

[hedgehogs4]

I find the book Playful Parenting really helpful in helping me be okay with aggressive play as long as it's helping my kid work something out. We went through a family dog dying and then a close family friend dying and dealt with a lot of death play, death questions, and read a lot of age appropriate books about death and dying through the local library - your children's librarian can help you with that...

Good luck!

[Rafman'sMama]

We are in the same boat here. Not so much the aggressive stuff, but my 3.5 year old has been asking about death quite a bit during the last few weeks. We probably talk about it an average of 6 times a day. His cousin who is the same age is doing the same thing. I have been trying to be pretty matter of fact about it answering his questions. It seems to be helpful to try not to appear unwilling to talk about death.

I'm not sure what I would do about his requests for "morbid" stories. I think is better to avoid this because it might tend to overdramatize the topic. If you have any real-live accounts of death, this might be safer ground as a subject of conversation. It might be sad to talk about, but it might make the subject of death seem less abstract.

It sounds like he is trying to act out his ideas about death. My personal opinion is that this is a very healthy way for kids to work out their feelings about a subject. I do not participate when my son asks me to play games about death - ummm, except when we are playing witches and cooking each other in our ovens. (this was an inevitable result of seeing the play of Hansel and Gretel)

It does break my heart to hear him talk about his own death! I hope it helps that this does seem to be common topic at this age. Good luck, Mama!