UPDATE!! pg 2 Feeling sad... DH's family not happy about pregnancy

[JFTB1177]

So my mom just confirmed what I already knew. She said my MIL called her a couple days ago and was complaining about this pregnancy (she had just found out, DH called and told his dad). My mom didn't want to tell me everything that was said because she didn't want to start anything but I got the feeling it has to do with our finances, etc. It could be more than that... I get the feeling that they think we don't need anymore kids too (HA! Maybe we should tell them we plan on at least one more! lol).

We told my family the same time we told DH's family, and my family was THRILLED, financial issues or not!

Btw we waited until now (14 weeks) to tell everyone b/c of our m/c history.

When we were PG with DS2 2 years ago we made a special trip to tell MIL and FIL in person and I remember their reaction was less than enthusiastic. They were just like "oh, really?". I remember when DH and I left we were like "what just happened?"

DH even texted his sister about the news a couple days ago and she hasn't responded. I feel so gutted! Everyone is so happy and excited for us (and it has taken me a while to get excited b/c this PG was not planned and a big surprise), except for his family. And it hurts- bad.

It's not like we are super young. I'm 32, he's almost 40. Even though we are having some financial issues my DH does make decent money. I don't get it.

We don't see his family a lot, but I am finding this hard to deal with. I feel myself getting really angry. How do I deal? Anyone else deal with this before?

[MaerynPearl]

They will get over it. DHs family was for the most part not exactly thrilled at first, because we were not married and we lived 1100 miles apart...

but around the time we found out her gender they were all super excited (it helps shes a girl, which goes against family history... rarely are girls born in that family... but they were excited even if she were a boy...) and I think it made our wedding so much better... because they were all relieved we were at least getting married before she is born (they are very religious so the whole unmarried pregnancy was a big shock to them)

Its going to take them some time to get used to the idea, then they will probably feel really bad for ever thinking negatively about it... especially once they meet that little one!

[JFTB1177]

Originally Posted by MaerynPearl

Its going to take them some time to get used to the idea, then they will probably feel really bad for ever thinking negatively about it... especially once they meet that little one!

I don't know... they did warm up to DS2 a bit but seem to favor DS1 a LOT more. They were soooo happy when we were PG with DS1, I mean real excited (although MIL was disappointed she wasn't getting a granddaughter) And we weren't even married then!!!!!!! (We got married when DS1 was 13 months old). It's almost like they think we shouldn't have more than one child. My MIL came from a family of 5 kids and FIL had 6 brothers and sisters, and both are very close with their siblings. So you would think they would be supportive of a "larger" family - NOT that 3 kids is large, I mean really!

[mama2soren]

I had a very similar situation with my own parents. A good friend told me some wise words that have stuck with me since : "Don't let them steal your joy."

I will never figure out why anyone, let alone family members (!) try to turn a wanted pregnancy into some sort of tragedy. Do what it takes so that they are unable to bring you down. Tell them exciting news about the pregnancy, baby names you like, upcoming dr/mw appointments, whatever. It is your right to talk about it. If they start to respond negatively, end the conversation immediately with "love you! gotta go!". Do your best not to dwell on their terrible treatment of you. When it's getting you down, call one of the hundreds of people that are happy about this coming baby.

What they are doing is terribly hurtful. They are robbing you of the experience of having your entire family excited for your sweet baby. Worse, they are robbing themselves of a lot of happiness and possibly of a wonderful relationship with their newest grandchild. You will not be able to change their hearts. Surround yourself with loving friends and other family members, and... "don't let them steal your joy." It is your pregnancy. Your joy. Your excitement. They have no right to take it away.

Hugs to you, and congratulations.

[JFTB1177]

Originally Posted by mama2soren

What they are doing is terribly hurtful. They are robbing you of the experience of having your entire family excited for your sweet baby. Worse, they are robbing themselves of a lot of happiness and possibly of a wonderful relationship with their newest grandchild. You will not be able to change their hearts. Surround yourself with loving friends and other family members, and... "don't let them steal your joy." It is your pregnancy. Your joy. Your excitement. They have no right to take it away.

Hugs to you, and congratulations.

Thank you so much for your kind words, and I will definitely keep saying that to myself (Don't let them steal my joy"!). It hurts, it makes me feel like my own children aren't wanted by their own grandparents you know?

I won't let them steal my joy, I won't let them steal my joy...

[RedOakMomma]

They're trying to let their behavior affect you. Don't let them.

My MIL is a piece of work at times...and in this pregnancy, I'm eight months along and she has yet to mention the pregnancy or congratulate me in any way. It's a sad, silly game she's playing...and though it bothered me at first, now I've come to see it as something pretty pathetic.

It's much like people who are obsessed with hate. Hate of whatever...a person, a group, a political party, etc. While it might suck to be in that person's hate radar, to to get hurtful comments, the hate says much more about the PERSON who can't control their anger/emotions than it does the person to whom the hate is directed. Hate and anger and hurtfulness (in my book) always say more about the person consumed by the feelings than it does what they are feeling anger about.

Water off a duck's back. Don't let their anger and toxicity ruin your joy and fun. What they're doing says boatloads about them, but doesn't have to mean diddly squat when it comes to you.

[JFTB1177]

Thanks RedOakMomma, your post made me tear up! I'm sorry about your MIL too... that is so wrong! How do you deal? Do you have to see her often? What does your DH (or partner) think?

Thanks for the hugs.

[Breathless Wonder]

I just wanted to give you a We've BTDT. Neither of our families is EVER happy for us. We still haven't told DH's side we are expecting again.

The worst part for me, is they NEVER just smile and say congratulations, but then they want us to give them all sorts of access to the kids later? I'm sorry. It doesn't work that way.

[TnMsMama]

Wow I read this post earlier and thought "aaw that poor lady" and nothing more... DBF called his mother and told her aout this baby and she was all "congrats!" and such.

This morning she calls, knowing DBF isn't home, "to talk"... Told me when I go for my first OB appt (she was supposed to babysit the kids while we go) that I should go ahead and schedule a C-section so I can get my tubes tied at the same time so "we don't have a mistake like this again."

I'm sorry, lady, did you just call MY BABY a mistake?????????

I was holding my DD at the time and set her down, knowing she'd cry, so I could say "oops, baby's crying, gotta go" and hung up. Texted DBF and told him to rein in his mother if he didnt' want to be an orphan.

I'm totally shocked and bewildered - I sooooo feel your pain and wnat to give you hugs!

[SumnerRain]

Oh this hit SO close to home. "Don't let the steal your joy!" I will tell myself this every day for the next 22+ weeks.

My parents have said NOTHING positive about this pregnancy. Yes, this is #5, but they had no joy with #1, #2, #3, #4, or now this time. I should be used to it, but man it hurts. "Don't let them steal your joy!"

I guess the thing that hurst is that DH has a great job, we are working towards debt freedom, we are AMAZING parents with well behaved, well adjusted kids. I hear constantly how good my kids are.

I am a SAHM and I think they do not value what I do because I don't bring in a paycheck. Both my parents have careers and all three of their daughters ALWAYS felt they valued their careers more than us. We are all SAHMs. They were never happy for ANY of us.

I am so sorry you are getting this OP, especially when you didn't expect it. Even when you do, it still hurts... but "Don't let them steal your joy!"

[VillageMom6]

How awful.

All I can come up with is the vague "financial issues". What does that mean to DH's parents? Are they supporting you in some way? Do you rely on some form of government assistance? (Not that that's any of my business... I'm just trying to get into the heads of your in-laws.)

Everyone in my family knows that I'm the go-to gal for an enthusiastic response to a pregnancy. I think every baby is always and only a blessing of the highest magnitude.

But when my uncle announced he and his wife's upcoming baby #5, I had a hard time responding happily. I love my uncle and his wife and their children... all five of them.

Their financial situation is so worrisome, though. They're in a government funded home and Uncle has stage 4 cancer and can't work. My lack of enthusiasm is because I'm worried about them. I'm frustrated that they are adding another child (who needs to be fed and clothed, etc...) when they are in a shaky situation.

But babies are always happy news, so congratulations to you!!!

[smpayne]

My SIL and her family went through something similar with her ILs. With ds#1 the MIL was extatic, but by the time the next two came along, there was a definitely less enthusiasm and ds#1 was her obvious favorite. I think MIL finally realized that she was no longer the top priority in her son's life and she resents it. My BIL stood by the decission his wife made regarding the kids, family, house, etc. The wife was now the boss not his mom.

This something your dh is going to have to address with his mom. The kids will notice if she is playing favorites. Your mother should not have repeated what MIL said, it only made you feel bad.

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by JFTB1177

Thanks RedOakMomma, your post made me tear up! I'm sorry about your MIL too... that is so wrong! How do you deal? Do you have to see her often? What does your DH (or partner) think?

Thanks for the hugs.

By now, I'm used to this nonsense. Doesn't mean I don't get angry about it sometimes, or need to vent, but I know that this is par for the course. She's a very passive-agressive person, and I am definitely on her hate radar.

I don't see her that often, despite living in the same town. Life is too short to have that kind of person or attitude in your life, yk? She's perfectly decent to dh and the kids, though, so they often go over and visit while I get time for errands, or time to rest, or time out with my friends. Thankfully dh sees the games she's playing for what they are, and agrees that we should distance ourselves from someone who acts that way. We want her to have a relationship with our kids (as long as she communicates no negativity about me to them), and we work for that, but we put almost no effort into having a closer adult-to-adult relationship going on.

It's very sad, actually, because her behaviors and actions have led to her being very distanced from her son, and from me, and even from the day-to-day stuff she might have known with our kids. That angers her even more, but at some point, what can you do? She's shooting herself in the foot by continuing to be toxic and hateful...when you act like that, SORRY!, you don't play a major part in our lives.

[Family4Christ]

Mama

It's sure tough when everyone isn't supportive, especially family. It's such a time to rejoice.

My FIL wasn't supportive, but my hubby has cut of connection with him for other reasons and he lives in GA, so it's not as pressing as it would be if he were local. So far, he's been the only one though.

[JFTB1177]

Wow.... thank you so much for all of your support and ! You guys are awesome.

And... WOW! I can't believe so many of you have gone through the same thing, that's awful!!! Wth is up with all of the unsupportive and nasty family members???? Isn't the birth of a child a blessing??

BIG back to all of you. Let's not let anyone steal our joy!

Thanks again for all of the great advice!

[CherryBomb]

I'm sorry I have to deal with similar stuff from our families, it's irritating and frustrating.

[Soul-O]

I'm very sorry, Mama . I've had less than stellar reactions from family members both to this pregnancy and to DS #4. My FIL actually said "wouldn't getting out of debt be a better idea than having this baby?" when told about DS #4 . Like the others have said, don't let anyone steal your joy. Our baby was conceived after three back to back m/cs, while my DH was home on R&R from Iraq. We are so thrilled to be having this miracle child, in spite of the challenges we face simply because my DH is still deployed. Enjoy this special pregnancy, get to know your baby, and allow those who love and support you to shower you with joy and good wishes.

Much love, and amazing pregnancy vibes to you !

[2xy]

Originally Posted by JFTB1177

Wth is up with all of the unsupportive and nasty family members???? Isn't the birth of a child a blessing??

Well...obviously I don't know your in-laws, but how are they with your other children? Do they like kids? Are they demonstrative in other circumstances?

Having a family doesn't automatically mean enjoying children or thinking of them as a blessing. My own husband has been told by his father that getting married and having children was one of the biggest mistakes of his life. I have a friend whose MIL told her husband that if she could do things over, she never would have had kids. And these are people who actually SAY it. How many more THINK it quietly to themselves?

Some people are also just very restrained/reserved with emotions. If Ed McMahon showed up at my door (yes, I know he is no longer living) with a check for a million dollars, I would smile broadly but I wouldn't jump up and down for joy. I really can't summon that sort of reaction.

I can understand not being ecstatic about the birth of a child, or just not showing it. I don't know what your MIL was actually complaining about, though. If it's money, I will admit to inwardly rolling my eyes when told that a friend was expecting #4 when they're forever struggling with money and receive assistance. I know a lot of mamas on MDC disagree with me, but I think intentionally making babies is unwise and unfair if the basics can't be provided for by the parents. There's a difference, though, between being in financial poverty and just being "not rich."

[isign]

OP I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. We got something similar with DH's family when I got pg with #2. I took 3 years to get pg with #1, so when #2 came along very quickly after, we were thrilled. ILs, not so much. MIL mentioned needing to use BC after DD was born, FIL asked me if I was sure. BIL & SIL made constant negative comments about the size of our car (we had a Focus) and the number of kids we would have. It was ridiculous! We are very much wanting a third, but I know we'll hear the nastiness again.

[shoefairy3]

My parents are always less than thrilled when they find out we are expecting yet another wee little one. My dad mostly anyhow. They've never been happy. Afterwards, they do love my kiddos, b/c really how could you not. My dad worries i suppose since we aren't financially well off. We have yet to tell them this time around. I always delay as long as I can before telling them. Last time I just told my mom, i never actually told my dad LOL