Tell me about having your children at the birth - 4yo wants to be there

[Qbear'smama]

DD has expressed a desire to be there when the baby is born. When I told her she could be there soon after, she objected, saying she has never seen a "real baby" come out of a "real mama" (she meant "live," she has seen footage of births from "The Business of Being Born") and I didn't really consider it until recently after we discussed. DH is reluctant, thinking it will freak her out and be traumatic. DD is 4 but pretty mature but still a baby at times, like most kids that age. She is emphatic that she wants to be there but I worry that she doeesn't know what she's in for. Based on one birth, I am not a screamer and dealt with things pretty calmly, but hey, it's still birth!

I would not want her there for most of the labour because she is a very empathetic child and I think seeing me in pain would be really hard for her and knowing she was worried would distract me and her dad. I kind of envision her being there for the last few minutes and seeing her sibling enter the world. I think she is the kind of kid that a moment like that would mean a lot to.

Can those of you who have had children around this age at your birth tell me what it was like and what we need to think about? Tips? Encouragement? Warnings? I will discuss it with my MW in August, but I know there are stories and wisdom here, please share!!

[lyterae]

DD will be 5 right before we're due with our baby, we're debating if we want her there for the birth or not.

[pollyanna123]

I'm in the process of thinking this through as well. My DD just turned 4 in June, so she'll be about 4.5 when this baby comes.

My labors are okay... I definitely want my DD to be there for most of labor. It's the end part that I'm most worried about. For the actual crowning, I tend to scream a lot for about 15 minutes. I'm definitely afraid that part might stick with her.

My tentative plan is to let her stay after I send 2yo DS to my parents' house, but to with a backup plan of them picking her up at any time that I call. I'm also going to have a doula here, who is also our chiropractor, so DD knows her. That way, DD can be here, but if she starts getting freaked out or if I want her to leave, my doula can take her out of the house on a walk (or drive) for a while. DD can be gone for the "scary" part but return quickly to be back for the moments right after the birth.

I'll be anxious to read other people's responses, as this is on my mind as well.

[oliviab]

imo - I would let her stay....and have backup care just in case she decides that she would like to leave.

I think its so great that she is so vocal and mature about wanting to be involved! It will probably make her relationship with the new LO really strong

I wish my DS expressed that need to be there so much! I actually really want him there to witness the birth of his new sibling but I will have my mom in attendance so that she can be there for him if he freaks....

[Qbear'smama]

Originally Posted by oliviab

imo - I would let her stay....and have backup care just in case she decides that she would like to leave.

I think its so great that she is so vocal and mature about wanting to be involved! It will probably make her relationship with the new LO really strong
I wish my DS expressed that need to be there so much! I actually really want him there to witness the birth of his new sibling but I will have my mom in attendance so that she can be there for him if he freaks...

Thanks! The first bolded part made me teary, you're right about this!

The second bolded part made me think in my case it might also be vice versa, sometimes I think DD is more levelheaded than my mother!

[laughymama]

I say let her be there and have someone there to be her buddy and look after her. If it becomes too stressful for her or she changes her mind, then she has the option of going. They can also kind of reassure her a bit.

I think it's wonderful she wants to be there. I doubt she'll be traumatized. Show her birth videos beforehand and talk about it a ton so she's familiar with what will happen. I think it would be really special for her to be there.

But I'm one of those crazies who is having their 27 month old at the birth.

[MamaMonica]

Moved to Birth and Beyond

[lachingona1]

I would definitely let her be there! When dd2 was born, dd1 was 3 and also very mature. She did great, even kept telling me "you can do it mama" I prepared her with several home birth videos. I also had my mom there who basically stayed with her coloring until I was in the water and ready to push.
Same scenario with my last birth, my girls were 2 and 4 1/2. They stayed with my mom until it was time to push. Just have someone that can be there specifically for her. It is a wonderful experience for her!

[St. Margaret]

DD will be about 3.5 and definitely wants to be there. We're figuring out someone (doula or babysitter or something) to be there just for her, to tend to her, play with her, bring her in and whisper about what she's seeing, bring her in at the key moment, know if she needs to go out of the room, etc, so it will be all at her comfort level, but she's VERY into babies and the whole process so I am excited for her to be there and see something so powerful and meet her brother right away!


I should add that with this awful sciatica, DD has had plenty of chances to see mama moaning and growing and even crying (we had talked before about mamas mooing and making funny noises while birthing, which she was tickled at), and has never been disturbed or scared-- she just knows mama is hurting, and she brings me a doll or heat pack and tries to help So she's very empathetic but handles it well. I do feel reassured knowing this.

[grumpybear]

DS was 3.5 when he was present at DD's birth.
He did very well. We had DH be his dedicated care person while I had my doula. My doula also did well in DS' involvement during the birth.
I could be wrong but I credit DS' presence/involvement in my pregnancy and birth of his sister as the reason why he adjusted extremely well to the new baby. Because he saw his sister actually being born, it sort of solidified that she really is part of the family and not just something you return to sender, yk?
Of course we also followed his cues as to how much he wanted to see (not that there was much to be seen as DD was a waterbirth).
The only thing I would've done differently was that though I feel he was well prepped for the birth, we failed to prep him for what happens after. He was under the assumption that "baby was out, let's go home now". So there was a mini-meltdown when we couldn't just yet. Of course it was also 3am and he was going on no sleep so that might've been it too.
But yes, highly recommended for your little ones to be there, provided that they want to.

[lynsage]

My DD will be 6 shortly before the baby is born. She has expressed repeatedly that she wants to be there and we've watched a lot of birth videos together, but FMIL is coming over to hang out with her and be her "spotter" in case she wants to leave or I want her out of the room for some reason.

So, add me to the list of posters who agree that you should have her there, and recommend having a person who is there just for her

[MsBlack]

Others have given good advice, so I'll only add: watch more videos with her, and do some 'practice sessions' of labor/birth with her. Kids that age usually can get into that, lots of laughs while you moan and even scream together! Teach her what she may see/hear, in part through different videos, and in part through telling her (with parts acted out) about her own birth and her sibs'. "You know, when you came out I just screamed with the power of it! I was kinda wild and crazy, you don't usually see me act that way! Like this--(insert a sound, maybe a posture with the sound)"

Preparation is key--I have had my own kids at my other births, as young as 14mos and up into teen years eventually. Even the youngest of them did fine, were not shocked/scared--but they did have a buddy for themselves, to entertain and feed them, ready to take them out of the room for play, or if they got scared/needy. I've also seen kids as young as 2 at homebirths, and most of them really take in stride if well-prepared. Some can't take it, of course, but most handle birth really well--they seem to enter the altered state, set aside their usual notions of 'what's normal for mommy', feel the holiness and specialness of birth.

So talk to her, prepare her, have some fun with her practicing some moves and sounds, I bet she'll really love that. That is, if you really want to--because of course, YOU have to feel comfortable with her there, no matter how she may feel.

[Banana731]

Originally Posted by MsBlack

Others have given good advice, so I'll only add: watch more videos with her, and do some 'practice sessions' of labor/birth with her. Kids that age usually can get into that, lots of laughs while you moan and even scream together! Teach her what she may see/hear, in part through different videos, and in part through telling her (with parts acted out) about her own birth and her sibs'. "You know, when you came out I just screamed with the power of it! I was kinda wild and crazy, you don't usually see me act that way! Like this--(insert a sound, maybe a posture with the sound)"

Preparation is key--I have had my own kids at my other births, as young as 14mos and up into teen years eventually. Even the youngest of them did fine, were not shocked/scared--but they did have a buddy for themselves, to entertain and feed them, ready to take them out of the room for play, or if they got scared/needy. I've also seen kids as young as 2 at homebirths, and most of them really take in stride if well-prepared. Some can't take it, of course, but most handle birth really well--they seem to enter the altered state, set aside their usual notions of 'what's normal for mommy', feel the holiness and specialness of birth.

So talk to her, prepare her, have some fun with her practicing some moves and sounds, I bet she'll really love that. That is, if you really want to--because of course, YOU have to feel comfortable with her there, no matter how she may feel.

ITA and did much of this with dd1 who was 3.5 when dd2 was born. I knew she'd be okay if she decided to be in the room with me, she loved the videos, kept asking for more! She had my mom to care for her, and she came in and out as she pleased. She decided to stay the entire time I was pushing though, almost 2hrs. She rubbed my shoulder and told me it was okay. She got to see her baby sister come into the world. It was a wonderful beautiful experience for our family, and I am so glad that that it happened the way it did. She had such a great time telling random strangers how I went "BRAAAGGGGGHHH" in the pool to get the baby out! I really hope both my girls are as eager to attend when their next sibling is born.

[mamamille]

not to hijack- but what videos do guys recommend? My dd will be 4.5 when this baby is born. Like everyone here- my dd is welcome to be as much as a part of it as she wants. She will have her own buddy- prob my mom, but maybe another friend- but I feel really strongly about birth being something that she is exposed to. I really WANT her to be there! Not for me but for her. I had a friend suggest that I practised "pushing" with her by pushing a log, or stone or something heavy so she could physically connect with it as well as intellectually...

My dd is actually arguing with my dh over who gets to "catch" the baby LOL

[grumpybear]

I borrowed a gentle birth dvd from my midwife's library but the name of the video escapes me at the moment.
But I have been told (or have read) that youtube is teeming with gentle birth videos.
I followed a suggestion of a mama friend to first view the videos without sound and then turn up the sound on the succeeding viewings.

[kimmom]

My births have all been middle of the night and hospital births but this time we are planning a homebirth and the kids have all said they want to watch. SO we will have a good friend here (she was at my last birth), to take the kids out if needed. Our kiddos all just saw our goat give birth in APril, that was an AWESOME experience for them all My stepdaughter (12) was very clear that it was disgusting watching the goat kids be born and she is supposed to be here when just after I am due in December so hopefully I go a bit early while she is still at her Moms (all of our kids have been early so chances are good

[Qbear'smama]

Thanks for the responses and encouragement! I am not getting a lot of support for having her there IRL, concerns keep being raised about it scaring her too much and her presence distracting me and thus stalling my labour. DH is actually coming around after hearing what mamas here had to say (he puts more stock in MDC mamas than he leads on! ) and really, when people tell me that something "can't" be done, that usually makes me want to do it more!! I just have to start figuring out who will be DD's "buddy" I feel like it should be someone like a doula who would know about the process of natural birth and could explain what was happening to DD; ppl in our families have no idea what a natural birth is like and would prob be worse off than DD...

[lynsage]

Originally Posted by mamamille

not to hijack- but what videos do guys recommend?

There are some great ones on Youtube- just be sure to pre-screen before you watch anything off that site with your kids!

These are the ones I sent my FMIL to give her some idea of what home births look like:

http://www.youtube.com/verify_age?ne...%3DquJvDZ_Ev6M

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niJ6F2p9Ql8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rx4TayurWVA

My 5 year old has seen all three of these.

Our midwife loaned us "Born In Water: A Sacred Journey" by the Andaluz Waterbirth Center and we watched it together as a family. It has a segment which shows a woman's kids getting in and out of the tub with her during her labor.

Obviously, these all feature water births

[Pippi L.]

I'm planning on having my 2.5 year old daughter at the birth -- if she wants to stay. She says she does, though at other times she mentions she really wants to go to the park with my friend who will be her labor buddy. My midwife, who is amazing and has attended an incredible number and variety of births, actually recommended letting her stay and make her own decisions about coming and going. She said usually kids will know what they can handle and will leave of their own accord if it gets too intense for them. It's important to have a support person for them in case they decide they don't want to be there anymore.

My midwife recommended the video "A Sister for Hugo." that they have as part of their lending library. It's from New Zealand and is older, but you might try searching for it on youtube. I like it because there's a toddler in the film watching as his sister is born. My daughter loves it and can describe all the parts of birth. She's really interested in the placenta.

[kittywitty]

I think kids are (usually) great at births! I wanted to be there when my brothers were born but was not allowed per hospital rules. My (then 8 year old) brother wanted to be there when my oldest was born and also was not allowed. But my kids saw my 4th birth at home when they were 3, 5, and 6 and loved it. My ds does not like blood so he left the room at that point, but my 6 yo was our photographer and did an excellent job. They all love watching birth videos and can not wait for this birth now at 2, (almost)6, 8, and 9 years old.