Not Meeting DD's Needs

[VisionaryMom]

DD is 3.5. DS is 5.5. The past 3-4 weeks, DD has been incredibly whiny and clingy. She cries at the drop of a hat. We took her to the doctor to check with ear infections or something else wrong. Nothing. We've worked on bedtime so that she's getting more sleep. Didn't help.

DH & I were talking last night, and I realize that I don't think we're meeting her needs in some way. I'm just not sure how. She does not - and never has - have a "thing" that she enjoys. She will flit through toys playing with things, even what she's requested, but she doesn't really seem to *love* any one thing. DS is much the opposite - Legos, trains, blocks - he spends hours playing.

DD is definitely more free-spirited than any of the rest of us. She's likely to dress in a tutu and rain boots to go out or to say things like "look, I'm a dancing fairy today, and I'm going to make a machine that fixes broken flowers." She's always followed DS around a good bit doing the puppy-dog adoration type of thing that many younger siblings do. I've noticed, though, that DS seems to be moving away from playing with her. He prefers to be/play alone, and it's started to cause some hurt feelings.

So...I don't know how to help her find what she wants to do. I think we could toss every toy she owns, and she wouldn't even bat an eye. But I also think the whining/clinging/crying is the result of not having anything stimulating to do. Ideas?

[GuildJenn]

Have you read about the periods of disequilibrium in kids? This is from this brief overview of Piaget: http://www.nndb.com/people/359/000094077/

"One of the most significant was the concept of equilibrium/disequilibrium. Essentially, whenever the child's experience/interaction with the environment yielded results that confirmed her mental model, she could easily assimilate the experience. But when the experience resulted in something new and unexpected, the result was disequilibrium. The child may experience this as confusion or frustration. Eventually the child changes her cognitive structures to accommodate, account for, the new experience, and moves back into equilibrium.

In very young children this process is complicated by the fact that much of their interaction with the world involves the component of motor skill development and language skills development. And oftentimes "disequilibrium" can show up in very obvious and concrete ways: a child acting out of sorts, throwing tantrums, even requiring extra sleep. As a major skill is accomplished and/or integrated, the child moves back into equilibrium and interacts more smoothly with those around her."

Maybe the change in her sibling is throwing her worldview of herself at the middle, or maybe she's about to be able to do something new. Not that you should stop looking for a reason but it could really be a natural phase.

Ideas for things to connect over might be doing art together, dancing, walks in the rain, gardening, baking - that kind of thing. You might also try making books together with her stories in them.