when ex moves on

[maeby]

i know that for a lot of you this happened much sooner than it is for me and i am actually very lucky with they way things have played out but...

i cant help but feel so shafted. ex and i have been apart since last sept. and he told me this morning that he has a girlfriend but that nothing with our co parenting situation will change because of this. (yeah for now anyway). i want to be happy for him but i just feel so sad for myself. he was abusive and cruel to me throughout our relationship and breakup and now he has been quiet friendly and he says he wants to be a better person, etc. but why didn't he want to be a better person for me? he has it so easy, he can go and start a life with some other person and fall in love. this is so much harder for me. i have ds all the time, i work full time. i have no time to meet any one not to mention i am 60 pounds overweight, my life and house are a mess, who would even want to be with me? oy.... i feel like crap today


ugh, i hate feeling like a giant piece of crap.

Edited by maeby - 2/21/11 at 4:00pm

[*MamaJen*]

I know it's hard, mama. But know that if he was truly abusive and cruel to you throughout the relationship, all this means is that he has probably found his next victim. Tigers don't change their stripes, y'know? If by some chance he does become a better person, that's great. But he probably won't, and better someone else rather than you dealing with it.
Stay strong and work on making your life the way you want it to be, for you and your baby.

[butterfly1976]

I know what you're feeling. I've been there. When you love a man, but he treats you like crap/doesn't care about, it affects a woman's self-esteem so much. My ex had it easy with me as well. If he said let's go to hell, I would have gladly taken his hand and walked thru the fires with him. Now that I'm older, I've realized that's not love. It's almost like desperation. And sadly, that was me. My ex moved on very quickly as well. The women he picked didn't do half the stuff I did. Meaning, couldn't hold job, take care of her kids, had addiction issues. Heck, some of them even looked like they couldn't shower more than once a week. Trust me, I've felt what you're feeling.

Your self-esteem has been battered and bruised. It takes awhile to heal. But healing can and does happen. And it starts with you. Notice the word SELF in the words self-esteem. You can do it. Just take one step at a time. It's ok to cry sometimes, have pity parties from time to time. But move forward. He wasn't good to or for you. His walking at the door will be a blessing that one day you will thank the Heavens for.

Start journaling your feelings. Tell yourself the truth. Start walking. Even if it's only 20 minutes a day. It's amazing what a little bit of exercise can do for the mind and soul. Reach out to your community. Find people who are positive, caring people. They're hard to find, but they do exist. Think about what you want for your life and your childs. It's NOT about him anymore.

No one's life is a bed of roses. I've been at the bottom of this thing called life. It's had a lot of ups and plenty of downs. But when we start focusing on what we want and look to the future, things start to happen. Life does go on when we lose someone......and sometimes our life can be sooooo much better.

What's that quote by Maya Angelo (spelling)? When we know better, we do better. Now go do better, momma........

Wishing you the best...........

[LorenaAZ]

Mama, I totally understand you and I`m so sorry you are feeling this way. I couldn`t read and not post, because we know each other irl and I`ve always thought of you as one of the most beautiful and intelligent people I know. Mama, you are gorgeous! Yeah, we are a little overweight, but we are amazing considering what we`ve been through and how we are holding up....but especially, how we parent our little ones. You are an incredible Mom!

I know it`s very hard, but try to see the silver lining in this cloud...any negativity or abuse from your ex will probably be now amied at his gf. And you are doing your DS and yourself a great deed by filing for custody and CS through the courts. Playing nice only gets us so far (still learning that myself), and exes often change their minds as their lives take on new shapes.

If you want to start walking, like butterfly suggested, I`ll join you. It would be good for the little ones too, and having someone there with you is always encouraging. I`ll be back in about 2 weeks and would love to see you and your LO. Love and light going your way!

[surrogate]

omg i could have written your story. My ex was awful to me. I walked through fire to be with him, to give him everything he wanted, worked multiple jobs, raised the kids, everything...and couldn't get him to "settle down" and be a father and get married. We finally decided to take a break and he was married to someone else 6 weeks later...I still am not over it...i still feel like I put in all the work for him to change for someone else...

If you ever need to talk please feel free to message me

[Freedom~Mama]

I know how you feel. I am overweight, have 2 kids that I love dearly but that are with me all the time, am going to school full time, and my Ex was abusive too and has a new gf. I have moments when I feel so lonely and sad. I have wondered the same thing, why is he willing to try and better himself now but he wasn't willing with me? I am trying to just take it one day at a time, focus on me and remember that everything happens for a reason. Maybe we had to go through this to become the person we are meant to be. PM me anytime if you want to talk.

[VocalMinority]

Sorry you feel so rotten! Been there!

Remember this: In situations like yours (and mine, once!) it's very common for the guy to get into a new relationship first. Part of that is the obvious reason that it's easier to have a personal life when you're not the primary one at home with little kids. But the other part of it is exactly what you mentioned: guilt. He IS trying to be better for you, in a displaced, taking-the-easy-road sort of way. He hasn't "moved on". He's not just dating, but has gotten into a new relationship less than a year after you, in part because he needs to know he can be better than he was to you and your son.

Perhaps if he were a bigger person, he would have made positive changes while he was with you. But - for all of us - it's harder to work on weak parts of your personality with someone who knows you through-and-through and who remembers all the times you've shown your a**. And, when you look at that person, you remember all the times you've treated them badly. It's easier and more gratifying to start fresh with someone who whom you have no negative history. To this new GF, he IS the nicer, friendlier version of himself. That's all she knows. You know he could revert to an uglier version.

It is likely that this first major relationship he has, after you, will not be permanent - either they will break up because he fails to improve himself; or he will succeed in improving himself, then discover she's not a good fit for the rest of his life, because when he picked her, he needed a good candidate for testing out his new personality. There may well be different criteria, when he needs a good candidate for wife.

However, your prospects in a new relationship can be much better!! Caring for your son makes it harder for you to get out and date - and to get sidetracked by one-night-stands or lousy, short-term relationships because you feel lonely; or want to prove you can "move on", too. That's good! You need this time to do what it takes to feel better about yourself. Then you will not accept a relationship with someone who treats you badly. (Your son needs you to demand that any new man in your life treats you with respect!)

I'd advise not focusing on the weight first. Focus on making your home a place where you and your son feel comforted, happy and peaceful because you both deserve to come home to that. Don't just clean up, but ask yourself what would make it easier for you to clean up as you go, so it doesn't pile up? Having less stuff? Organizing things differently? Forcing yourself to do the dishes before you relax after dinner, because if you save them 'til morning they won't get done? At the same time, make comforting routines for both of you - taking a walk every morning or evening; a good bedtime routine; a treat for yourself after your son goes to bed, like a movie he's too young to watch; going to the park every Saturday... As you take better care of yourself - and feel like you and your son deserve that - you may notice the weight start to diminish on its own. And you will have a better attitude about getting healthy: it will be something you're doing to pamper yourself, not a penance because you feel you "messed up" and gained weight.

Hopefully, you will come to a midpoint where you realize you don't have to be a skinny neatnik, to like your home and to feel pretty. Homes with little kids don't have to be perfect. Women with some curves can be very beautiful. But when you get to the point that you feel your home is a nice place to be - and you believe you're someone worth having around - a man will eventually come along who wholeheartedly agrees. And you'll be with him for all the right reasons.

[Freedom~Mama]

^wow that was awesome and really helped me to read, I am sure it will help the OP too.

[littleaussies]

I really feel for you honey. I ask myself the exact same question. My Ex always put his parents' wants and needs before ours. He was never allowed to take time off so we could get off the family ranch (we lived 20 yards from his parents) and spend time alone, as we had no boundaries at home.

He is getting married next week (we split over 3.5 years ago) and his fiancee is pregnant. Ever since they got together, they have been taking vacations like it was going out of style. He has told me he stands up to his dad more now and he gets weekends at home with no one coming into the house whenever they feel like it.

I ask myself, why couldn't he have done that with me? People say "well maybe it took him losing you and the girls to make him straighten up (and his dad to back off)." But that's bullsh*t. So basically they are saying you have to wreck a marriage and have kids that don't see their dad much at all in order for that person to grow up. I don't buy that.

I think it is more of the fact that it wasn't a priority with him at the time so, his loss.

You've gotten some very good advice and I know you are worth it as a person. He is the one who is not worth it.

It is hard to get over the questions of being good enough, I still do it. But I hope that you and I both can in time.

Hugs

[over_the_rainbow]

to the OP

and just wanted to chime in andsay Jeannines advice was absolutely spot on. You must concentrate on loving yourself and feeling like you deserve to be treated with the upmost respect, because you do!

Thanks Jeannine that was really hepful for me to read to

[meemee]

eh mama!!!! it all does not matter.

just be home with your pain. feel it and 'enjoy it'. its not for much longer. you will never feel the depth of this angst again. yeah wierd i know. but sit and get to know this feeling inside you.

your one year anniversary is coming up. time to mourn

your two year anniv will be much different.

you wont see life as your loss, but as his.

even if he was never abusive to you, he just never got to appreciate you for who you are.

you will get to a much stronger (is that the right word) place where it will matter what you think of yourself and not so much about what others think of you.

i still remember your very same feelings. and today it further strengthens me and reminds me how far i have come. those memories allow me to experience my joys even more deeply.

my ex got his gf two months after dd was born, 16 months before we finally separated.

[maeby]

thank you so much ladies! you have all helped me to feel so much better!

i still have my moments but for the most part i am feeling very positive about the changes that are about to happen in my life. thank you for your support and encouragement!

i've printed out these posts to keep in my journal to reread whenever i start feeling a little glum about things.

thank you again - you are all wonderful women with so much insight!

[lilyka]

Man I am right there with you. My xh moved on 7 years before the divorce but it still kilss me when they are together. with my kids!!! it is so unfair. He has done everything wrong and gets all the blessings. I am a good person and I get nothing and am not likely to get anything. it sucks.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by lilyka

I am a good person and I get nothing and am not likely to get anything. it sucks.

yeah so you are poor. alone. maybe not a great job. a studio. or a one bedroom (depending on how many children).

i am right there with you. on paper i look like shi7 too.

but its all perspective. ex leads a wonderful life. AND my dd loves him equally. i am not more important to her than him. she needs me more however. she connects with me more and we have a deep, deep connection, a perfect understanding.

while my ex has everything that i dont have - its all on paper. he is the glitter and i am the gold.

on the other hand he does not have what i have.

he does not have the deep friendships i have with single moms and others too. he has never slept in a sleeping bag on the floor and chatted the night away.

he has never ever held a tantruming child, yelling i hate you and hitting you - only to come back after cooling down to say 'i am sorry mama for hurting you. you know i can never hate you. i dont like you sometimes but mama you are the most important thing for me. just sometimes i dont know what comes over me. on the inside i want to stop but i dont know how to.'

he does not have a cheering squad as i do. people who are inspired BY me. can you believe that. and why is that. because i stand up for what i believe and they live vicariously thru me - by helping me out.

going thru the pain of separation - something snapped within me. the fear of the ONE thing - you know that unknown fear that keeps you from doing what you are doing - GONE forever. i am no longer caught in my egg. like the chiicken i cracked out of the shell and burst forth. having a partner and knowing there is always there to catch you - somehow never allowed you to feel the bottom of fear. today i have touched the very bottom of fear - and keep touching it again and again. each time the time spent there is getting shorter and shorter. because its not as fearful as i thought it was.

somehow miracles happen and we are taken care of. today i jump off cliffs with no second thoughts (yeah so not like the old me - with all my planning and lists) and figure out how to land as i am falling. or someone catches me.

here is the thing. i was happily married. really euphoric. however i missed being single. a little part of me missed being single. i am sooo grateful that ex took me and flung me off the highest mountain when i was least expecting it by asking for a divorce, even though i could see the deep cracks. i would never have left on my own.

even at my best during my marriage - i did not have the 'happiness' i have now. today i am living my dream. and because i am jumping in all these miraculous opportunities are coming my way. i KNOW i am providing a better childhood to my dd than had we been together. yeah on paper we look terrible, but if you see our day to day life - the things we are involved in, the friendships we cannot be richer.

what i love, love, love about having been introduced to singlehood is this. learning to be myself and have respect for myself. that tomorrow if i do get into a relationship and gasp even get married - it is going to be deeper and a more profound relationship because i am not going to give my whole self away. i am going to build boundaries and keep something for myself so that when and if i do meet the man - we both will be able to follow our dreams and be a couple as well as individuals.

i KNOW that by becoming a single mom, i have learnt how to be the perfect partner. actually even the 'perfect' mother. because i have not given all myself to motherhood, so inspite of having a 'hard' child - high needs, sensitive, spirited, explosive - i have and still do really enjoy motherhood.

[lilyka]

your right. my life is not what I want it to be but I have my kids. and regardless of how crappy our house is it is "home" to them. My life does not suck. It just sucks that he gets to be so happy. but I need to let that go.

[PoppyMama]

No matter how grown up I am or how many times I tell my children that "life is not fair, it just isn't and there's no changing that fact" and believe it...I still resent the hell out of that fact.