Labor without support?

[kblackstone444]

Has anybody had labor and delivery, or planning on having labor and delivery, with little or no support from any kind of Labor Coach?

I'm 15 weeks, so I know I'm worried about this early, but I have no Labor Coach and I don't know if I will be able to find someone I trust enough to be my Labor Coach. The baby's Father is out of the picture and if he pops back into the picture before the baby is born, I DO NOT want him anywhere near me, so him as a Labor Coach is not an option. I'm planning a hospital birth, and my OB is really good. Here's what my options are

1. My Mother was my Labor Coach when I had my son. She meant well, but she was very nervous and just would not stop talking. She wants to try to be my Labor Coach this time around as well. I'm due in January, she does not have a very reliable car, she is physically handicapped (extremely bad back) and lives 2 1/2 hours away by car. I don't think it's very practical to rely on her.

2. My neighbor and friend. She wants to be my Labor Coach. She's a nice person, but she smokes, so my asthma acts up whenever she's around, and I've only really known her for 7 months. I haven't built up that trust yet for her to see me in "all my glory".

3. My legally still married but separated Husband. We're good friends, and weirdly enough, I would feel the most comfortable with him, of the three, but there's a certain creepiness to asking your exHusband to be there for the birth of you and your exboyfriend's baby. I have not asked him and I'm not sure if he would even want to. We're close, but I'm not sure if we're still THAT close.

4. My son. He'll be 15 1/2, so I don't know if he'd even be allowed, and when things really get going, I wouldn't want him in the room.

Those are really my only options, unless I want to do everything completely solo, which I really don't. If I'm in labor for several days, I will get bored with nobody to keep my company and when things start picking up, I really don't want to be alone. Hiring somebody is not an option- it's not covered by insurance and I don't have the money. Also, I want somebody besides me to be there in case of emergency (I almost had an emergency c-section with my son) and to keep an eye on the baby if they need to separate me and the baby for some reason. Also, to take pictures of the baby as soon as possible (but not get certain body parts of me in the pictures!). Thoughts?

[Cujobunny]

I would hire a doula and if you can't afford that, look for a student doula or one in training, or perhaps a midwife in training.

I laboured with my mom and dh first time around in hospital with nurses who were no help. 2nd time I had a midwife (but also with my mom & dh). difference was night and day. The midwife had all sorts of tricks up her sleeve, comfort measures, etc to tell dh what to do, that birth was amazing.

Unless the person you are going to use is going to research and remember ways to make you more comfortable I would look for someone who knows what they're doing and is reliable!

[StarMama]

How about a doula in training who will attend for free, or a doula who is willing to work for a very reduced rate due to your financial situation?

[lillymonster]

I would try for a doula too. If you asked around, I am sure you could find a doula in training, or student midwife. Explain your circumstance, most have a blurb that says they don't want financial issues to be a problem. I personally don't think my DH is a good candidate for being a labor coach. He gets freaked out too easily, and I don't think it will be a good idea to have him there. It sounds bad, because I am married to him, but he even admitted he is not the best person to depend on for this.

He will be handling my daughter and helping out as he can, but I am depending on the doula for a lot more.

[jcregan]

I do think a doula is your best option if you kind manage to do it some how... can you barter with any skills you have? But without that then maybe your son or exhusband at least there to help out for the early stages of labor if not the later. I kind of did my own thing (I get annoyed/pissed when someone tries to count my breathing with me or something - lol - so we did not do that stuff) but was still glad to have DH there. At the end the midwife was good and getting me to focus on her etc.

You don't want to be alone the whole time I don't think.

[mom2threenurslings]

What exact type of support to you think you'll need while in labor? Someone to encourage and support you? Someone to advocate for you and your birth plan? Someone you're close to with whom you can share the joys and trials of labor and birth? Knowing the answers to those questions may help clarify who would best fit the bill.

Midwifery students, doulas-in-training and childbirth eduators-in-training need to attend births to get their certifications and will often do so for free. If you can find one you click with who will meet your needs during labor and birth, that might be a good option.

[zinemama]

Given those options, I would definitely hire a doula over anyone on your list. If finances are an issue, try for one in training, maybe?

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by jcregan

You don't want to be alone the whole time I don't think.

No, I don't.

Originally Posted by mom2threenurslings

What exact type of support to you think you'll need while in labor? Someone to encourage and support you? Someone to advocate for you and your birth plan? Someone you're close to with whom you can share the joys and trials of labor and birth? Knowing the answers to those questions may help clarify who would best fit the bill.

I want somebody to keep me company during the early stages of labor up until things start to get a little crazy. With my son, I didn't want anyone in there once it was time to start pushing, but up until then, I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to be alone (with the doctor and whoever else was neccesary) when I did the actual giving birth.

I want someone to encourage and support me, but willing to leave the room for the actual birth if I'm not comfortable with them seeing my body like that.

I need someone to advocate for me and my birth plan and make emergency decisions for me in the event that I am unable. The only one I fully trust for this is my exHusband (my Mother panics in emergency), and if I end up going solo, I do plan on having him as my emergency contact in case such a scenario happens. When I had my son, I was in so much pain that near the end, I could no longer talk and would not have been in the mindset to make any big decisions even if I had been able to. And someone to make sure the biological Father does not cause any problems if he finds out I'm in labor. This is probably the most important reason, though the other reasons are important to me, also.

And yes, I do want somebody close to me to share the experience with. It's supposed to be a joyous and celebrated experience.

[St. Margaret]

You deserve a doual! She can offer all you're looking for-- standing up for you in the midst of things, being there as soon as you want early on, comforting, calm, even keeping your mom from being too nervous or talky around you A student could help you afford it, but I would def check into it. I had one and it was sooo worth it-- DH was great but I really just wanted him beside me, there. My doula gave me a womanly confidence and great massages and was great at the hospital

[Skrimpy]

I agree with the PP - a doula is a great idea. I was "solo" during my second birth - his dad wasn't there. I had my mw there and her two apprentices, both of who acted much like doulas for me. They gave me so much strength and let me know that I could do it.

I also found the experience incredibly empowering in a way none of my other births have been - to know that I, in all my womanly fullness, could give birth without needing to lean on a "partner" for his strength. Now I wouldn't trade hubby being here for my last baby's birth for the world... but that solo experience with my second baby was just empowering on a deep level.

Good luck to you mama!

[mamamille]

I had a home birth. My husband, my 2 best friends (one who had 3 homebirths before, the other never had a child or anything remotely this non- medically lead), my mom came in for the last bit along with my midwives. I never felt panicked or overwhelmed so I didn't call my midwives until active labor. I didn't really know that they were waiting to be called to be my coaches, or whatever. I thought that they were only there for the birth or if I needed more support.
I don't know if you are planning to goto the hospital as soon as contractions start, or when you are ready to go into active labor. That makes a difference. I would recommend not going until you are there, so that you don't have the strain of the hospital environment on your laboring self- but I guess that is neither here no there.
For me the most 2 important people were my husband- because he gave up his body to be my stressball. He is big and all I wanted to do was to hang on him during the contractions. But even before that my friend who had had babies before was the best person. She got me out of my head, and knew just where to massage my back. I would totally hang with your son during the easy part... if you like hanging out with him, maybe your ex. You want someone light and who will be patient when you have to stop what you are saying to breathe. After that- you don't have any girlfriends that you click with? Can anyone come from out of town? A doula would be great- especially for being your advocate. Friends and family are not necessarily trained for that.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by mamamille

I don't know if you are planning to goto the hospital as soon as contractions start, or when you are ready to go into active labor. That makes a difference. I would recommend not going until you are there, so that you don't have the strain of the hospital environment on your laboring self- but I guess that is neither here no there.

Depending on when I go into labor, I will either have to take a taxi or ask either my exHusband or my Father-in-Law to give me a ride to the hospital. With taxis, sometimes there's up to an hour wait time and if it's in the middle of the night or my exHusband or his Father are working or unavailable, I would have a wait time, also. Worst case scenario, I would have to walk to the hospital, but it's a little over a mile away, and that there makes me uncomfortable, in case labor goes faster than expected, so I plan on going into the hospital as soon as I'm sure labor has actually started, to make sure I have time to get settled and as comfortable as I can be. I plan on bringing a good book (and hopefully a good friend) if labor takes a long time.

Originally Posted by mamamille

After that- you don't have any girlfriends that you click with? Can anyone come from out of town? A doula would be great- especially for being your advocate. Friends and family are not necessarily trained for that.

Unfortunately, when I split with my Husband, he inherited all the mutual friends, and all my good friends were among the mutual friends. I moved from another state to my Husband's hometown, and making friends for me sometimes takes years. The closest I've got is my neighbor, who has some real potential, but she's still somewhat a stranger. My Mother might be able to come from out of town, but that will literally be something neither of us will know until the actual day comes.

[MaerynPearl]

I totally agree, go with a doula.

You have 5-6 months to become close with her... which for most is way more than enough time!

Ive only been seeing my midwives... this will be my 4th appointment with them (at 34 weeks) as I have lived halfway across the country most of this pregnancy... but I am already close and comfortable with them.

One of the wonderful things about doulas/midwives is that they tend to be the sort of people that you can connect with really fast, and if not... you usually can tell at the initial interview meeting that you will not mesh. (Sometimes things arise later, but its pretty rare)