Scared about VBAC...not sure what to do, help

[scrandall1173]

So, I'm probably over-reacting I now. I'm 12 weeks pregnant and just had my first dr's appt yesterday and ultrasound. Baby is doing super well and all is good. Doc said a VBAC is a great idea, but I can do a ERC if I want to. He said if it was his own daughter deciding he would feel good about recommending a VBAC. Great, right?

Well, my first labor went nothing like planned. I hoped for a natural birth and ended up choosing Stadol, then laboring naturally, then giving up and choosing an epi, which ended up with Pitocin and then eventually an emergency c-section (by eventually, I mean after almost 36 hrs of labor). I'll never know what it took that course-- if it was the interventions (as all my natural bith books warned me about) or if it was b/c Izzy was face up and the cord was wrapped around her. Anyway, the c-sections end results were good-- safe and healthy mama and baby. But...when I heard that I would need a c-section I had a bit of a panic attack...I was certain that I would not survive it. I saw my whole life flash before my eyes and I just sobbed at how I would never see my family and friends again. I was so scared I asked nurses I had never met to pray with me (and the saints that they were, they did!). Anyway, needless to say, it was traumatic. I developed post-partum panic attacks a month or so after the birth. I thought I was going to die just driving to the grocery store. Considered killing myself to get away from these thoughts (not the most logical solution to a fear of dying, I know! lol). Anyway, I had to end up taking Clonipin to deal with the anxiety as I couldn't function. As a result I decided to stop breastfeeding so it wouldn't get into Izzy's system. I eventually -- many months later-- became addicted to the drug and went through a hellish week of withdrawal when I stopped taking it.

So, a natural, amazing, awe-inspiring natural birth it was not. The end result was good though.

So with this pregnancy I've been dreading my first appointment..partly b/c I miscarried last year at 6 weeks. When we went in to the appt the baby's heart beat was terribly slow and the baby was too small. It indicated there would be a miscarriage. It was heartbreaking to see that slow heartbeat when we were expecting a joyful experience. But slightly before the ultrasound I said to my husband in regard to giving birth, "I don't think I can do it". Of course, nature took care of my worries for me. But I still wanted another child, if it was God's will.

So yesterday I went to the first ultrasound for our third pregnancy. I waited until 12 weeks figuring no point in going sooner if it was not to be. On my way in to the appt I felt like RUNNING AWAY. I felt panicked like maybe I could hide somewhere. I got myself together and went in and it was a lovely appt filled with all good news. I told the doc i was leaning toward having a VBAC with an epi. He said to go for it.

Then, last night I thought I should do some more research on VBACS and ERCs and of course read some mortality statistics for both. I freaked out. Its not that they are high. I don't know what happened but I went to bed crying, barely slept and woke up crying. I feel unreasonably scared as hell. Considering an ERC gives me some peace of mind, but I feel like peace of mind is not an indicator of knowing its the right decision. With Izzy I made dozens of decisions that gave me peace of mind, but then nothing went as planned. Nothing.

So, now at 12 weeks, I'm a mental wreck. I don't know what to do, ERC or VBAC-- but I suddenly feel like my life is in my hands and if I make the wrong decision...or that both could end in disaster and I never should have decided to have another baby at age 37. I think if I were younger, I would feel better. Also, as crazy as it sounds, I'm a redhead and I've had ob's and nurses tell me that strange things happen with redheads during childbirth. So I feel like a have the strange things and my age and past c-section working against me. Oh and there's the fact that I just emotionally lost my mind with Izzy's labor and I foresee that happening again-- and I wonder what that kind of mental stress could do to my body during labor.

So, that's my vent. I'm praying for some words of wisdom from anyone. Sorry so long, but its just all bottled up and had to get it out.

Thanks.

[Twinklefae]

That sounds like it was very scary. Have you spoken to a therapist or counsellor? It might be a good idea to talk to a professional, who may be able to give you tips on how to deal with these thoughts as they come, before they can throw you into panic mode.

I also had a birth that didn't go as planned, and I understand how that can bother you for a long time afterwards. I hope you find a way to approach the future calmly.

[lillymonster]

I am sorry about everything that happened. I am 39 (maybe 40) when I will be having my vbac. I had my first child at 36, so don't let age be a factor! Also the nurses told me some weird stuff even while I was on the operating table, when I had my baby, so I try to take it all with a grain of salt.

Have you contacted the closest ICAN leader? I called one and she spent 45 minutes on the phone with me, even offering pregnancy help that had nothing to do with c-section information. They also have meetings you can attend with local hospitals or midwives.

[MaryLang]

I wouldn't bat an eye at a VBAC, especially after only one c/s, I don't think there is much risk there at all statistically.
Take it from someone who has had 4 c/s's, think about what your plans are even beyond this baby, another c/s will increase odds of other things going wrong in next pregnancies.
It's a must to do your research on this, but maybe focus more on researching a happy VBAC instead of going back and forth on VBAC vs. ERC.
And in general the book "Birthing From Within" might give you some confidence in your body.

[JFTB1177]

Aw sweetie, BIG BIG

I know exactly how you feel. I've been through miscarriages as well as a c/s with my first child, and I know so well the stress and sadness and hope and everything that goes with all of the above.

My first was a c/s after a failed induction at 41 weeks. My OB at the time was 9 months PG herself and wanted to "hurry up and get me delivered" (she ended up going into labor the same night and had a great vag delivery... obviously my section was performed by a different OB). I believe my water was broken too early and my DS was stuck in a bad position, although he was head down. I was devastated about the c/s.

I had m/c #3 and #4 before I got PG with DS2. Needless to say I was a nervous wreck when I was PG with him! I wanted a VBAC sooooo bad but was SCARED TO DEATH!!!! I read everything I could get my hands on, but my OB who had at first been supportive of a VBAC started changing his mind and telling me scary stories. My saving grace was a good friend of mine, who is a doula... she lives in another state but told me to take a Bradley Birthing class, which is all about natural childbirth and they heavily support VBAC. I did and it was the best thing ever! My teacher (who also became my doula) had 100% belief I could do it and that I WOULD do it, and that I would be just fine! She reminded me over and over that the chance of rupture is less than 1% and the chance of rupture even without trying for a VBAC is the same! I read some awesome books she recommended that were full of real stats, one was even written by an OB. That really helped build my confidence. I decided to switch to a midwife and have a VBAC at home. Believe me, I was terrified!!!! But in the end, it all worked out! At 42 weeks and 4 days I still had not gone into labor. My MW stripped my membranes, and the very next day labor started. It was a long and painful labor, and I did push for 6 hours, but my beautiful boy was born perfectly healthy early the next morning! I was fine, save for 2 tiny tears from pushing my 9lb boy out.

I really recommend these books: (they will ease your fears)

http://www.amazon.com/Born-USA-Broke.../dp/0520245962
(this one is full of stats about VBAC and shows how safe it really is)

http://www.amazon.com/Thinking-Woman.../dp/0399525173

and this website: http://vbacfacts.com/

Also, join the local ICAN in your area, and sign up for Bradley classes. I also recommend getting a doula and posting your concerns on the VBAC board here on this site. Read all the positive VBAC stories you can, as well as watch them on YouTube! That helped me a LOT!

Good luck, and YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

[JFTB1177]

Originally Posted by scrandall1173

Also, as crazy as it sounds, I'm a redhead and I've had ob's and nurses tell me that strange things happen with redheads during childbirth.
.

Don't listen to that crap... that's ridiculous and they were prob getting a kick out of scaring you. You're NOT cursed b/c you're a redhead! The redheads I do know who have had babies all had great births.

[lillymonster]

Originally Posted by JFTB1177

Don't listen to that crap... that's ridiculous and they were prob getting a kick out of scaring you. You're NOT cursed b/c you're a redhead! The redheads I do know who have had babies all had great births.

The crazy thing the nurses told me was that mothers that had a linea negra always need a c-section. Come on?!? 3/4 of all woman get it, so that is a lot of c-sections. I was told this right before they pulled the curtain up. I really wouldn't put any stock into what the nurses say, sometimes I think they are tired and maybe punch-drunk or something.

[HeatherB]

If you haven't already, head over to the VBAC forum here on MDC. There are LOTS of resources, including many mamas who have been in the same position of choosing their course with a 2nd or 3rd pregnancy.

It sounds like you've been dealing with PTSD following the c/s (not unusual at all) and perhaps a flare of that now with a new pregnancy. I'm so sorry. Be assured, you are not alone. And, know that you CAN give birth and you and your little one CAN be just fine!

[Earthy Mama]

I'm vbacing as well. I think I have a bit of a mental advantage over my body because my c/s was my second birth and my first was natural-so I KNOW I can do it.

I still get twinges of fear every once in a while. I just read (here) a birth story about a vbac gone wrong. My advice-don't read them! Only read the good ones.

[AustinMom]

I highly recommend ICAN as you can meet other women who have either gone through what you have and know how to help, or women who simply know how to support a mom after a traumatic birth.

What you are feeling is REAL. I was on Prozac for 6 months after my son was born due to anxiety, PTSD, nightmares, suicidal thoughts, fear of him dying and being dismembered, etc. All crazy crazy stuff. Don't let anyone say it's not real, and don't let anyone act like it's a small thing, I would hope if you have brought it up with your OB that he took it seriously and he gave you some references for help to reach out to. I would recommend that to, a professional.

I'm HBACing in Sept, and doing Hypnobabies and there are a lot of pregnancy/birth affirmations that talk about how healthy and safe and normal pregnancy and birth are, and I think women who have gone through trauma really need that reprogramming. They also have a VBAC specific CD that I haven't gotten to yet, but look forward to.

I read the book, (and recommend it a lot) Rebound from Childbirth Towards Emotional Recovery. It's a great read, and it lets you know that you are not alone, and that recovering and rebounding is possible and can be done in a healthy way. You have every right to be scared and scarred, and every right to heal from that.

[chellebee]

I'm so sorry you are going through this mama. I know your post is about VBAC vs ERC, but I can't help but see the bigger issue of anxiety/possible PTSD. Have you sought treatment for this since becoming pregnant? Personally, I would try to get the anxiety/PTSD under control and then make a rational decision on your care. Right now it sounds like you are in protective fight/flight mode--totally understandable.

I had PTSD flair up unexpectedly with my 2nd pregnancy. Though I had mentally processed and processed the first birth, my body was still retaining trauma and being pregnant was enough to spark things. Ultimately I ended up doing private hypnotherapy and once I felt rational enough to make care decisions I did that. The great thing about hypnotherapy is that it is drug free and you gain tools to deal with some of these crazy attacks...and while I didn't find it eliminated the problem, it definitely helped me get to a level that I felt was tolerable and allowed me to have my mind/body back.

I hope this helps somehow.

[nova22]

Originally Posted by chellebee

I'm so sorry you are going through this mama. I know your post is about VBAC vs ERC, but I can't help but see the bigger issue of anxiety/possible PTSD. Have you sought treatment for this since becoming pregnant? Personally, I would try to get the anxiety/PTSD under control and then make a rational decision on your care. Right now it sounds like you are in protective fight/flight mode--totally understandable.

It is going to be incredibly difficult to overcome these fears and anxieties without dealing with the root of the problem. If nothing else you can get a homeopathic remedy for stress and anxiety. I have used Healing Garden Stress Relief for Pregnancy and it actually did quite a bit to curb my anxiety problems. If you can find a counselor to talk to - even better! I only had 3 or 4 sessions before DH left his job and we couldn't afford it any more, but even that short treatment time was immensely helpful and I'm so glad I was able to do it.

If you are able to have a positive birth experience, it will most likely heal a lot of that old trauma. I didn't have a terrible 2nd birth, but there were a lot of things that upset me for a long, long time. I felt like I couldn't bond well with my daughter because of them. Two births later, I had my first homebirth, and it was such a wonderful experience that it gave me closure on the bad experience.

I'm trying for a VBAC this time, too, and my midwife has given me a lot of information to ease my fears about everything. If you want any more info you can PM me and I'll get the info from my folder and tell you a few things she's told me at appointments. I also highly recommend reading positive VBAC stories instead of VBAC stats.

[isabchi]

Oh Mama!... Lots of
I know how you feel. I had many miscarriages and an awful c-section, but I have my HBAC, that was extremelly healing for myself and my family too.
Please, go looking for help and support. For what I read at you post I didn't found out where you support group/family.
Maybe could be a good idea to focus in the bright side of life. Please, be positive and get around people, groups and information that can lift you in that moments of doubts. Found out to your closer ICAN group, go tho Bradley Childbirth clases, go for the Hypnobabies. Get surrounder by support.
You need to trust yourself and your body. I wish you the best and your family.

[HeatherB]

In thinking about your post since replying the first time, I've wondered if it might be very helpful to you to have a home-based provider rather than going to an OB in an office building or hospital. I was imagining that going back to the hospital/doctor setting might be setting off the PTSD/anxiety again, whereas being at home (or in a midwife's office) might be much more reassuring. It is also true that home birth gives one the best chance for a successful VBAC, so it might be an all around very good option for you.