Our 2.5 year old and HB

[foodmachine]

DH and I have decided that DD should go to Grandma's if she's awake when things start and/or if she wakes up when/if things get loud. Grandma is only 20 minutes away.
I think I'm ok with this but "welcome with love" has me romantically seeing DD helping and being there. DH has pointed out that DD is extremely sensitive to my moods and he feels she may be a little shocked by the whole thing.
He also wants me to be able to relax and make my life easy "for a change" .
We have no one to come be with DD at our house (don't want grandma here) unless we assign one of the midwives to be with DD but we are paying them to be with me.
DD can come back soon after. Maybe DH is right...

[tibeca]

I just want to point out that this is a VERY personal decision. Not every mom wants her kids there and not every kid can handle it. You couldn't possibly predict how your daughter will respond any more than you can predict when you'll give birth (naturally of course).

Having a plan is good, but what if she does want to stay? My daughter will be 2 1/2 when our next daughter is born. For us (and I don't say this with the intent that it works for everyone), we couldn't imagine not allowing our daughter to stay there to see her baby sister be born if she wants. But only if she wants. She will have her own caretaker/person there to support her through the birth. If she can't handle being in the same room, then she can go to another room of the house. If she can't handle that, then she can go out too. If its 2 am, then we'll rent a hotel room if need be (only because we may not have time to make friends comfortable with our toddler going to their house at 2am). Regardless, we see this process as something that support people are needed for. Someone for the mom, someone for the husband, someone for the children. That may be one person for all or someone different for each.

All I can say is, know your child and know yourself. Have a plan, and be prepared for that plan to completely fall apart. Birth is always full of surprises.

[HeatherB]

My DS was 2.5 when we had our first HB. He was really helpful and involved for a lot of it, napped through some, and went out with grandma for parts. We were able to be very flexible by having my mom there (even if that wouldn't have been my first choice). He was there for the moment of birth and did VERY well. He was nearly jumping up and down in my mom's arms, gave the baby his first kiss, etc. He later fell asleep by the fireplace in a sleeping bag with "Welcome with Love" by his head.

We had not only read Welcome with Love a ton (and he had Grandma read the applicable parts during labor!), but we had also watched videos, talked about birth, talked about the noises mommy would make, etc. He didn't want to be in the room the whole time, especially when it was louder, but was really awesome with being able to go in and out, etc.

So, in your situation, since you have a longing to have her there, I would first give her a taste of what birth is like. Watch some birth videos together and talk about how hard the mama is working, how exciting it is that the baby is coming, how the mama sometimes makes noises like a lion or a bear, how it's hard work but the mama is okay, and look how happy the mama is because the baby is here! She may be a bit startled by it at first, but may be okay with it quickly. If she really can't handle it, then back up and see if there are other things that can help her. I'm sure not all children are ready at any given age for birth, but I do know that the vast majority (when given preparation) do really well!

You might also consider hiring a doula just for her. Maybe a doula-in-training, a family friend, etc. Ideally it's someone your DD trusts already, but she may have time to get used to the person before the birth, too.

Remember, too, that many children sleep through birth because it often happens at night. You just never know! You can also demonstrate to your daughter some of the things you will do during birth. I did this with my DS earlier and he was quite tickled! The more you talk and the more she knows, the better it is for everyone!

[foodmachine]

Originally Posted by tibeca

Having a plan is good, but what if she does want to stay? .

Exactly what I was thinking. I'm not going to throw her out of the house.

I really appreciate hearing thoughts and experiences from you mamas.
Perhaps I will ask the 2nd midwife to help with DD. They have met quite a few times and she is basically coming to do acupuncture which is hardly hands-on the whole time. DD keeps talking about helping the midwives and me.
We'll look at a video tomorrow...

Anyone choose to send their kiddos away?

[MegBoz]

I'm kinda stressing over this myself. Mostly because DS birth was so fast - less than 5 hours from the first, "Oh, huh, that was finally my first ctrx." to feeling the urge to push. Then just 45 min of pushing (after resisting the urge for the 20 min ride to the hospital!)

& that was my first birth!

Since 2nd births are often even faster, I won't really want DH to take the time to drive him to our daycare provider's. (She's a friend too & would be my 1st choice, but she lives near our work, about 25 min drive each way.)

My Mom lives 1.5 hour away & I don't really want her at the birth anyway. I'd love my sister to be there & look after DS, but she lives 1 hour 45 min away & with her career, she wouldn't always be able to leave at the drop of a hat.

I have one other friend who lives only 20 min away who I wouldn't mind being in the house playing with DS.

He'll be 2 yrs, 8 mos when this babe is due, so I don't know how well he'll be able to comprehend that Mommy is making these loud scary sounds, but she's really OK. That worries me. I also don't know if he'll inhibit me- especially when it comes to being noisy. (I was noisy with his birth.)

I'm only 8 weeks, so thankfully I have time to think about it.

But I certainly like the idea of being flexible - having a plan for him to leave if he wants, & having a plan for him to stay if he wants.

[EMAID]

I'm due to have my first homebirth (baby #3) any day now, and my children will be in the house (or outside in the yard if it's daylight) but not in the room. I've been quite specific about that in my birth plan. I wrote that I do not want my children, or my parents who will be watching them, in the room until me and the baby and bed are cleaned up (no visible blood, etc.) and covered. That probably sounds really harsh and unnatural, but thats whats going to work for me and my kids, as others have pointed out.
Here's my reasons. Most importantly is my 6 1/2 year old DD. She is EXTREMELY sensitive to someone being hurt/in pain. A few weeks ago I cut my toe when she knocked something down, and she cried for an hour. We're talking a tiny cut that barely bled, but it freaked her out completely. She is mildly autistic, so I believe the extreme sensitivity stems from that. So for her, I'm actually afraid that seeing the birth, with all the blood and obvious discomfort that will come with it, could traumatize her. I don't think she's ready to see that as natural or beautiful. She's very literal. Blood=bad. Besides that, because I'm afraid of how she'd react, I'm also afraid that I would waste valuable physical/emotional energy worrying about her if she was there.
I also find my kids distracting. Maybe I'm just not that good at multi-tasking, I don't know, but I couldn't even handle working on my grad school work last year when they were around. They're both very talkative and they don't always understand how to reflect the atmosphere of a situation with their own actions. I plan to create a very relaxed atmosphere (candles, nature sounds music, dim lighting, etc.) and my children probably wouldn't pick up on that enough to stay quiet themselves. They're more likely to come in the room and ask me if they can watch a DVD in the middle of a contraction, and I'd end up frustrated with them.
My 5 year old son could probably handle it, coming in and out of the room, etc. because he isn't as sensitive as his sister and can read the atmosphere in a room. But he and his sister are only 15 months apart, and they're so close that I think they'll want to stay together.
My mom would be fine to be there, though she might get a little tense. My dad is a whole other story. He has Alzheimers and wouldn't understand what was going on. Thus, he and my mom will stay downstairs with the kids on the lowest level of our house while DH, midwife, and nurse will be on the 3rd floor with me.

So there's my story. I have a few friends, including my former childbirth teacher, who encouraged me to keep my kids in the room by telling me about all the funny things their kids did while watching their births. They were cute stories, but I wouldn't have found them funny while in labor. I probably would have screamed at them to get out. One person told me that her DS kept taking pictures with a toy camera and yelling "smile mommy!" through the whole thing. Adorable, but too distracting for me.

[Aliy]

i'm stuck with this too!
I'll have a 2 1/2 year old and a 4 1/2 year old at the time of the next baby. we are planning on letting them stay. for one reason i tend to birth at night, and we really don't have other options. we are trying to get someone here to help out with the kids and may end up trying to get a second doula in but i really don't know at this point. DS1 is very excited about the up coming baby and we have watched videos and such and he is very keen on helping mom. I'm not sure about how DS2 is going to be but he's really quite easy going