eloping! (i think)

[sosurreal09]

so DP and i have been together for 8 years now, have lived together for six, and have a 10 m/o DD as well as a 3 y/o Boston terrier.
We had an amazing first 5 years that were so good you could write a movie about it...
we broke up b/c we were engaged, paid for everything had it all set and done then out of nowhere (thinking his mom influenced this) he did not want to get married..i could not deal so i left.
we were miserable apart and reconciled 8 or so months later, got pregnant right away (surprise!) Then we had two bad years and i mean really bad years...
Things have gotten a million times better and i have been praying and praying for things to heal and for my outlook to change. Now we kind of decided its now or never. take the plunge or split for good. we thought it would be best to just pack up and go to Vegas and do it fast and dirty lol i was going to get the ring today and the dress maybe next week and go from there. We have a $6000 credit card and would be putting all expenses on it. it has a 12% interest rate...
i am nervous about the whole thing but that is expected right? what do you all think about it?

[Catubodua]

I think you guys could benefit from premarital counseling to make sure you are both thinking of things the same way and have the same future goals.

If he really wanted to get married a few years ago, nothing his mother could have said would have convinced him otherwise.


if you do choose to go through with it and elope in Vegas make sure you go to the Venetian to get married. they marry you on the gondola with the rower guy (no idea if they have a formal name) singing you Italian love songs....

[AtYourCervices]

I second the recommendation for premarital counselling. Eloping may be your best bet, if you're afraid outside influences may cause the wedding plans to crumble again. Instead of going out of town, though, you can schedule a "surprise party", inviting your friends/family... SURPRISE... it's a wedding! That would make a great story later on (rather than, "we ran away to Vegas").

You've already made it through some tough times. Obviously, there's something good between you two, or you wouldn't have chosen to stay through it all. You have a child together, which is another thing that will hold you two together for the rest of your lives. Are you willing/able to work together as partners, not just parents, until you die?

[A&A]

Eloping to Vegas is a lot of fun. (Did that myself!)

BUT make sure it's the MARRIAGE you want, not just the wedding!!

[sosurreal09]

right well i know they say it all changes when you get married and it bery well may but we have been living together for much longer than most people date.
before when we were going to get married we were awfully young. I was 19 and he was 20 so i think that influenced him quite a bit as well however his mother has alot of emotional/mental control over him. its ALOT better but still somewhat there. shes likes to threaten suicide when things do not go her way...

i can not see myself being with anyone but him. we do have the same goals b/c essentially we grew up together. we have great communication and neither of us is afraid to say what is on our mind. he is my best friend and vise versa. i mean we aren't exactly madly in love anymore but we have chemistry still and have sex often besides our love has grown into the next category.
that is how it goes right? lol

[bluebirdiemama]

Firstly, I don't think putting yourselves into debt on a 12% credit card is a good way to start a marriage. That will cause you a lot of stress later on.
I third the recommend for premarital counseling.... an emotionally unstable mother in law could really make things hard. You guys have been together for a long time, but marriage does still change things. A mother has such deep connections to a son, whether for good or for bad, that it would be way better for the two of you to see someone who can help identify how a mother like that can influence a man, and how he make act and react towards a wife.
And lastly, why does the decision have to be get married now, or break up?
just curious~!

[sosurreal09]

idk lol i guess we just figured its been so long already why "waste" anymore time if it's not forever.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by bluebirdiemama

Firstly, I don't think putting yourselves into debt on a 12% credit card is a good way to start a marriage. That will cause you a lot of stress later on.

Uhhhh.... yeah. Just speaking of a wedding there seems you have two options....

Option A- spend up to $6000 on a wedding in Vegas and come home to have to pay it off (how fast can you realistically pay this off?). You have $6000 available but how much will you spend? Have you priced this trip at all?

Option B- Spend $100 and go to city hall and get married and start off married life not in debt.

I would choose option B in a heartbeat. Then I would work really hard to save up money so on our first anniversary we could go on a cool vacation.

And that's coming from someone who is spending a lot of money later this year to go to the Virgin Islands to get married BUT, the difference is that we have the $7000 (give or take) that it'll cost us. While we probably will put some on credit cards, our cards always get paid off each period. It's more of a convenience thing for us, not a "we don't have the money so we'll put it on credit and pay it off down the road".

I would also suggest premarital counseling. Something just doesn't add up with the statement that you're either getting married or breaking up. I'm sorry but that doesn't seem like a statement from someone who is a committed relationship. DP and I have been together awhile too, but when we decided to set a date to get married it wasn't tied to a "we either do this or break up".

[sosurreal09]

i talked to him about it and we will wait until maybe nov or so. he's the one who gave me the "ultamatim" b/c we have been on and off the past year or so. will masshealth pay for couples therapy?lol
we certainly dont plan to spend $6000! i have my moms engagement ring (she passed away 8 years ago) and we got it reset for $600. davids bridal has $99 dresses all of their dresses right now so thats like nothing. the vegas trip is a little under $2000 but thats also paying full price for DD as a person...according to expedia she counts..im like shes 10 m/o and we co sleep how do they expect us to pay $500 bucks for her! im going to call the hotel anyway and express my feelings about this.
also we do this all the time with the credit cards like when DD was born we put $4000 on the card for everything and we just paid it off. im a very dedicated person when it comes to getting out of debt. we have been on our own for a long time and i have had my own place since i was 17 so this is nothing new to me. i have $7000 in the bank but am planning on saving that and adding to have a down payment on a 3 family home.

[whoami]

Looks like you already figured things out but I had to chime in.

Originally Posted by sosurreal09

i talked to him about it and we will wait until maybe nov or so. he's the one who gave me the "ultamatim" b/c we have been on and off the past year or so. will masshealth pay for couples therapy?lol

If he's not comfortable with the idea maybe you can find some books premarital counseling books. I'm sure they exist and maybe someone else can recommend some. Wanting to get married very fast and being getting pressured by saying lets do this now or break up, screams red flag to me.

Originally Posted by sosurreal09

idk lol i guess we just figured its been so long already why "waste" anymore time if it's not forever.

Like you, I've been with my guy for a long time, 10 years now, living together 5. I understand why you/him think it's a "waste" to just live together and not be married because you are going to be together forever anyways.

I used to wonder "where is this relationship going if we aren't going to get married?". If you think about it though, in a way staying together because you love each other and want to be together shows stronger commitment. When you go through down times, and everyone does - you choose to work things out, instead of leaving which is easy, not because you are legally in business together and it would be $$ to even consider leaving. There are lot's of people who live happy "married" lives, but never officially marry. I thought that would be us, but then my guy surprised me and proposed.

What you are doing is not a waste, because if you truly want to be together forever, you will be.

Originally Posted by StephandOwen

Uhhhh.... yeah. Just speaking of a wedding there seems you have two options....

Option A- spend up to $6000 on a wedding in Vegas and come home to have to pay it off (how fast can you realistically pay this off?). You have $6000 available but how much will you spend? Have you priced this trip at all?

Option B- Spend $100 and go to city hall and get married and start off married life not in debt.

I would choose option B in a heartbeat. Then I would work really hard to save up money so on our first anniversary we could go on a cool vacation.

And that's coming from someone who is spending a lot of money later this year to go to the Virgin Islands to get married BUT, the difference is that we have the $7000 (give or take) that it'll cost us. While we probably will put some on credit cards, our cards always get paid off each period. It's more of a convenience thing for us, not a "we don't have the money so we'll put it on credit and pay it off down the road".

I would also suggest premarital counseling. Something just doesn't add up with the statement that you're either getting married or breaking up. I'm sorry but that doesn't seem like a statement from someone who is a committed relationship. DP and I have been together awhile too, but when we decided to set a date to get married it wasn't tied to a "we either do this or break up".

I completely agree with everything! The setting where we get married is important to us so although we planned to marry Feb, we're waiting another year and going to Hawaii. We'll be paying outright and as we have no debt now, there will be no debt when we marry.

If it was important for us to be married ASAP, and it's not, I'd choose B at the court house, and vacation for our first anniversary. My brother and his wife snuck off and did it fast and dirty in Vegas and they never regretted it. It hurt the parents feelings, but only because no one even had a clue they wanted to be married, and felt entitled to be invited, but in the end it's about what the couple wants.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09

he's the one who gave me the "ultamatim" b/c we have been on and off the past year or so.

If you don't mind me asking- why the on and off and what makes you think that will change just because there's a ring on your finger and a paper signed? If you all are having issues now (and, no offense, but it sounds like you are) then being married isn't going to change any of that.

will masshealth pay for couples therapy?lol

I have no idea, but that would be one of those things I would be willing to shell out money for. You're okay spending $600 to get a ring reset, $100 for a dress, $2000 for the trip plus probably another $200-400 on food/extras but you're not willing to spend a couple hundred on some premarital counseling?? Again, I would spend money on premarital counseling first, ring reset second, dress third and THEN if you can afford it go to Vegas. If not, there's nothing wrong with a court house wedding now while you save up more money.

[applecider]

Originally Posted by whoami

What you are doing is not a waste, because if you truly want to be together forever, you will be.

Getting married is not going to change anything, IMO. It's just a piece of paper but your relationship will be exactly the same. I have also been with my guy for 7 years and to me it just doesn't matter anymore. If at some point it behooves us (generally financially speaking) to get married, then we will. Otherwise, I agree with the op, if you're going to be together, you're going to be together, married or not.

[ellemenope]

according to expedia she counts..im like shes 10 m/o and we co sleep how do they expect us to pay $500 bucks for her! im going to call the hotel anyway and express my feelings about this.

You should not have to pay for a 10 month old's seat on an airplane or hotel room. Perhaps they were just calculating it that way. As in. there are 4 people going, this is the total price, the baby is free, but we are going to divide it by 4 still, and this is the cost per person.

Vegas should be cheap. We went last year and stayed at the new addition to the MGM grand. It was very nice and upscale. It was like 200 bucks a night.

Congrats.