Spacing Advice

[intunement]

I need advice on spacing between children. If you were only having 2 children (oldest being a boy) and you had to decide between having them 3 or 4 years apart, which would you pick and why?

[BabyMae09]

Well, my DS is 8 and my DD is 14 months. It worked out really well for us, because DS is a great helper, and I think if he had been only 3 when I had DD he would have been a lot more jealous, etc. As it is, he's only said 'I hate that baby!' maybe one time. He adores his sister, and everyone comments on how good he is with her

Sometimes, I think he handles her better than DP! JK.

So I'd wait at least 3 years, probably 4-5 if it were my kids. But every family is different. You have to figure out what's best for your DS.

Good luck!

[zinemama]

My sons are three years apart. If I had to do it over, and if I had been younger, I would space them four years apart.

My 3yo hated the baby, couldn't intellectually "get" that it wasn't all about him anymore (not that I blamed him) and wasn't old enough for preschool until 7 months after the baby was born, which meant I was trapped in the house all day with Mr. Angry whose response to me nursing the baby was to throw wooden train tracks at us. Frankly, I couldn't stand that child anymore, and that was sad.

I think things would have been far calmer if he was four, already in preschool (had his own thing going) and was more with it.

However, at the time, I wasn't all that young and kind of wanted to get the whole pregnancy/childbirth/infancy/diapers thing over with sooner rather than later.

[intunement]

I really appreciate your stories!

It's nice to hear some positive thoughts on spacing children farther apart. I hear so much about the positives of spacing them close - better friendships, etc. I haven't heard many viewpoints about the benefits of more time between kids. I've been torn about this lately for a variety of reasons and it's hard to know which way to go, or whether to just enjoy ourselves and leave it up to the universe...

[Jessmomto2]

We have 3 boys, the first two are 4 years and 3 months apart and the next two are 2 years and 10 months apart. I really preferred the 2 years and 10 months apart. It was a bit harder in the beginning just because our youngest was diagnosed with major medical problems and so I had to be away from home for quite a while and my middle child was still nursing so it was quite the shock for him. That said, they play so well together and are closer to being on the same level. Since we homeschool that makes it a bit easier too because I can have them doing similar things.

[Guthu]

I have no Kids

BUT I am the oldest of 7 and I have 3 cousions who I grew up with who are 1.5yrs apart or less. So I can give you some of what it feels like to have siblings at different ages.

I would personally do 4 years, unless the first child is mostly independant.
I was 3 and already fairly indepedant when my first baby sister was born, it worked out but it really depends on the kid. Father says that at first I did not care for her too much, but I got over it and love her to death now.
My baby brother (and other younger siblings were bron) was born when I was...oooo...around 7? That worked out much better for me, I understood what was going on and was quite interested and willing in the whole thing. I started out loving him! vs. thinking he was bad like I did with my sister for her first few months.

My 3 male cousions, they worked out in the end, but it was quite stressful while it was going on. Now they are the best of friends as preteen/teen boys could be. Suprisingly they do not fight to much, and they do make up quickly and they can talk about similar school and life stuff.

That I could never do with any of my siblings(different life stages and all, only advice and experiance I could give). I could have possibly with my my first baby sister but she has Lissenesephely(sp?) (Smooth Brain Disorder), so I do have a slight info/bonding gap(err gaping hole) there with her.

It is neat seeing a baby grow up when your a middle aged/younger kid to be honest. It is like babysitting without much responsibility! When you are more of a preteen/teen it turnes into just babysitting, still fun but less magic and wonder involved.

also...sorry for bad spelling, IE has no built in spell checker and boyfriend doesn't want me downloading stuff on his computer. Like I would break it, I am the one who fixes the darn things for a living!

I should add, while growing up I liked the 7year gap more (little brothers(2, different moms), youngest cousin). The 5 yr (oldest cousin), we are super close, but not until later on is my 2nd favorive gap(close with the 7yr). The 3 yr, I cannot say for sure due to her medical problems, that lead to confusion until I was able to understand it better. The 10yr with my little sister was alright, I do think of her more as a kid/fathers other spawn) most of the time, then a little sister. That gap might have been to big for us. I do love her, took until she was able to talk at me and be my friend for me to see her as a sister in my mind.

[zjande]

I think it's different for every family, of course. But mine have been spaced out all over the place & lemme tell ya, I much prefer to have siblings closer in age than further apart. Though there are pros & cons to each.

My babies came like this: The 2nd one came 6.5 yrs after the first, the 3rd came 7.5 yrs after that, the 4th came 24 months later, and the 5th came 21 months later. My kids that are close in age get to play together, laugh together, do their schooling & crafts together, sleep next to each other.... While my kids that are spaced many years apart, well, they're perfectly friendly together, but they're at such totally different stages of life!

I can't help but feel some mama-guilt over my 12 yr old son when he's bored & really wants a board game partner, or someone to build his K'Nex contraptions with. My youngers will always have built in partners for everything, my 12 yo has pointed out how totally awesome that will be for them & how he wishes he had that. But instead he's got his own bedroom he sleeps in all alone full of toys that no one else in the house is really very interested in sharing with him. Well, besides the baby wanting to eat them.

My 2 & 4 yr olds play alllll day long. It's really sweet & I never knew what I was missing before when I had my kids so spaced out. Not that I had much say in the matter, that's just how my life worked out , but now that I have the ability to actually plan my kids (& have a healthy marriage), I definitely wouldn't purposefully plan to have them more than 2 yrs apart or so, if I could help it.

[Forestwalk]

I have been thinking about this lately as well. I have dd who is 3 yo, and won't have baby #2 until dd is 6yo. I feel good about it, because dd1 will be in school and so established already. I will be able to give a lot of attention to baby #2.

[Katie T]

I have 2 very different spacings. DD1 and DS are 6 1/2yrs and while it was nice that she understood babies needed constant mommy time and could help and they play now (some but fight a lot ) I perfer my closer spaced two of 21 1/2months because DS was too young to get jealous of the baby (or I just got lucky) and they play really well together and love each other so much. They do fight of course but that is my 2 cents.

If I had to pick between the 3 or 4 yrs though I would probably go with 4 because the older child would better understand that the baby needs mommy a lot, could help, and would probably be more excited because of where they would be with cognitive development to be a big brother.

Either way it will all work out great, I wouldn't stress too much about it.

[greenemami]

Dd and Ds are a month shy of 3 years apart and I really love it. She adjusted really well to having a little brother and loves on him all the time. There were a couple of weeks where she had a hard time with me nursing him and not being able to snuggle her as much for bed, but that was also in large part due to the fact that dp went right back to work, so we were on our own really quickly (like, within days).

I would totally do this age gap again if we were going to have more kids. She was potty trained, could grab a snack, is able to play by herself for reasonable periods of time, etc. Also, she didn't wean until 2-1/2 (while I was already pregnant) so I feel good that she got to nurse for as long as she needed.

I personally didn't want to wait for them to be 4 years apart. Dsd and dd are almost 6 years apart and while they get along well, I think it will be really soon that they no longer have much in common, kwim?

Good luck with your decision, either way will work out beautifully I'm sure!

[lovingmommyhood]

My DS1 was great when his little brother was born. He has never been anything but a STELLAR big brother, doting on the youngers and loving on them. DS2 was the same spacing from DD and he is just -not-. I think it all comes down to personalities and sadly that's something we cannot predict. Good luck!

[terra-pip]

my oldest was 4 when his brother was born...i found life really easy with a 4 year old and a newborn. Now my middle ds is just turned 3 and my dd is 6 weeks...not so easy imo. but of course that could be because now there are three of them.

[ann_of_loxley]

My boys are 4 Years and 7 Months apart. I love it! It has worked out so well for us! Without me having to ask, DS1 is very helpful and he is so loving towards his brother! DS2 - now 4 months old just loves his older brother! He always smiles and laughs when he sees him! It is lovely to see and hear!

The transition was easy for DS1 because he was older and could understand more and was super independent already being the age he was.

The transition was easy for me because DS1 required less of me - meaning that all that attention a newborn requires - I am able to give DS2.

The pregnancy was also nice. Ds1 was very understanding and patient with me. It was fun to share that with him as well. It was a very special time for us.

If I am lucky to have a third - I would shoot for the same (if not bigger) spacing personally.

I have no doubt that they will have a wonderful sibling relationship growing up together. In some ways, they can play together and in others they can't. Both situations are rather nice as it is nice they can be together and have fun but also have their own individual space, time and friends. So far there is no rivalry because each requires something different from me and I can give them that. It is such a great feeling! I can't imagine having two babies - though obviously you can't help it if you have twins or more! hehe

I would personally go with the 4 year + spacing. 3 was a hard age. Harder than two was! (seriously - more like terrible threes than twos! lol) I couldn't imagine having had a baby when DS1 was three!!! I think there would have been problems there for all of us!

[Purple Sage]

My children are spaced like this -

6.5 years between #1 and #2
3.5 years between #2 and #3
2 years 3 months between #3 and #4

In my experience, the smaller the gap the better, but none of them were terrible. And of course every family is different. I personally wouldn't worry about having a certain space between kids - 3 or 4 years won't matter that much in the big picture. Do whichever feels best to you.