When to go for #2

[intunement]

We have an adorable 2 year old and are thinking about adding to our family. We need to decide between having them 3 years apart or 4 years apart. I'm hoping some of you have some insights.

[sanguine_speed]

It's totally personal preference. But, I'd ask, do you plan to have a third, or a fourth, or more? If you plan to have more, you might consider that you'll have young children for as long as it takes you to finish having them .
For us, it was important to finish having kids in our 20s, so we had less time between them than if we hadn't been so concerned about ending our young children years early.
But this totally varies person-to-person.
I also have discovered that all children are very different. If your earthside child is generally easy-going and all that, you might find it easier to have another child sooner. On the other hand, if your child is very high-needs, waiting longer might make sense.
There are also some women who experience difficulty conceiving subsequent babies after easily conceiving the first. Suddenly, your decision to have them four years apart could turn into five or more. Just something to consider.
Good luck with whatever you decide!

[Punchy Kaby]

What are your reasons for wanting children 3 or 4 years apart?

My kids are 3.5 years apart. My first was high needs, health wise and attention wise. I was glad that he had our solid attention for 3.5 yrs, he was very attached to me, even though he has always been close to DH. He naturally started to get more independent by 3:dressing himself, brushing teeth, buckling himself into the car seat, and finally he could play on his own for more than 2 minutes! I also felt like my life got 'back to normal' before I got pregnant again-I ate really well, gave my body time to stock up on nutrients again (I nursed for 2.5 yrs), I got into good physical shape, was no longer sleep deprived from DS, etc. I had my kids in my 30s, I am not in a hurry to get the young years over with, in fact, quite the opposite, we are enjoying each stage of each of the kids and the changes it brings to our family life. I have no idea if we will have another child, I cannot fathom having one now, I feel like my life is full of good blessings and challenges, but maybe I'll feel differently in the future.

My kids love each other very much and enjoy playing together, most of the time . I know some people plan their children close together so that they will be 'friends,' but, personally, my DB and I are a year apart and all I remember from growing up is fighting with him, scratching him, yelling at him, hitting him, fighting for attention from our parents. We have never been close and we speak infrequently now. I purposefully did NOT have my children close together for this and other reasons.

[intunement]

More thoughts

We only plan to have 2 children. We originally thought we would have them 2-3 years apart so they would be good playmates. Because I am a teacher, there is a big bonus to having a baby in late Spring because I can take off the end of the school year (when things are winding down and there is not as much stress from being out) and be off over the summer as an extended maternity leave. We were very lucky with timing our first son (got pregnant on the first attempt). We thought about trying last summer, but our son was pretty high needs and so we were still really catching our breath from the first year with him. He has mellowed out a lot in the last year, and I actually think he would be benefiting from having a sibling now. He just seems to want and need lots of playmate interaction. He is also really sweet with babies and good at being gentle and loving. So, sometimes I wish we had tried last year... but we can't go back. This summer, we started trying, and have not been successful in conceiving. I'm wondering if it could be because I am still nursing very frequently, so I am cutting back. Our window of opportunity for a late Spring baby is closing this month and so we have to decide whether to keep trying through this year, or wait for the next summer. If we keep trying, that would mean I would be having a baby at the end of the summer, or beginning of the school year the following year, which has a lot of stress attached to it (imagine having a substitute make first impressions on all your students and having to come in later to try to gain control of 120+ middle school students). Also, we would lose around $6000 to $8000 in wages if I take unpaid leave since I would not get any paid maternity leave or summer vacation bonus time with the new arrival. I don't want to plan a pregnancy entirely around financial and classroom concerns, so I've been just saying we should put that out of our minds and just keep trying. This is also partly because I feel like I need to try to have another baby sooner rather than later. This may not be rational - my sister and I were three years apart and other people have often talked about 3 years being the magic number. I don't know if there might be benefits to waiting until that following year (putting our kids 4 years apart and also giving me 4-5 months to be home with the baby before returning to work). Of course, I also wonder if I could find it difficult to conceive at all this time around and have the same issues next summer as I had this summer... well, I know I am over-thinking it. This is just what we are considering.

[sanguine_speed]

I couple of things come to mind with the new info. If you've had trouble conceiving this time, waiting another year before trying again is even more risky (in terms of length it might take to conceive). Do you want 5 or 6 years between kids? If you're actually okay with it taking a longer time, this isn't as much a concern.
My experience has also been, with such a range in ages of kids, that once you stretch beyond 3 years between kids it becomes more difficult to find family activities that meet everyone's needs. Not impossibly, but a bit more difficult.
I did also want to let you know that I was amazed at the different in the development of my kids during teh 9 months of my pregnancy. A 2-year-old grows and changes so much before 9 months has passed, in terms of language and independence. When I conceived my fourth I was worried about my third being high-needs, but he really matured in those 9 months and it worked out perfectly.