Are your kids allowed to close their door? - Page 6

[AllyRae]

Lorax...I was talking about the 9 year old. And yeah, the 9 year old has been seen doing some rather...uh...non-appropriate things in the presence of the younger kids, including telling the younger kids to watch her "shake her butt and squat over the sprinkler" while doing "lap dance" type moves when they were playing outside (I put a stop to that one real quick. Not sure where someone that young learns *that*, but she knew it), and telling ds that he has to kiss her on the lips. I love that girl, but I will not allow "behind closed doors" playgroups, especially with her being so much closer to pre-teen ness (she also doesn't have the most stable homelife, and is moved around a lot due to her mom's relationships, and her female role models are pregnant 15/16 year olds... I don't alienate her, but I do take precautions. My child has autism and doesn't always "get" that he shouldn't do something if told to do it by another child. If it were just the 2 six year olds, yeah, I'd probably allow the door shut for a couple more years.

Which is a good example of why blanket statements like "closed doors = dysfunctional" are not right...each circumstance is different.

[montlake]

I have a teen and he is allowed to keep his door closed at night. During the day it stays open (except for obvious times like changing or whatever but if he is just in there reading or playing games it's open) but that is recent and due to newly diagnosed chronic illness and wanting to be sure I know if something happens. Once his medications are worked out and we know what the side effects are, and everyone knows what to expect he will be allowed to go back to closing it when he wants. (Still letting him close it at night because all the household pets want to sleep in there and keep him up all night otherwise.) I would feel absolute misery if I were not allowed to close my door.

[lolar2]

Yes, although he's three and usually doesn't want it closed. It also is easy to unlock his door from the outside, so he could lock it if he wanted without any problems (though he hasn't tried).

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by AllyRae

Lorax...I was talking about the 9 year old. And yeah, the 9 year old has been seen doing some rather...uh...non-appropriate things in the presence of the younger kids, including telling the younger kids to watch her "shake her butt and squat over the sprinkler" while doing "lap dance" type moves when they were playing outside (I put a stop to that one real quick. Not sure where someone that young learns *that*, but she knew it),

Honestly I wouldn't bee to concerned about that. I have seen hundreds of kids play like this with sprinklers (sprinkler park at a public pool and in peoples yard). There is just something about sprinklers spraying up that makes kids want to squat and wiggle over them.... Cracks me up every time. I don't allow my children to do it but I don't make a big deal over it either.

But even though now I consider my kids old enough to play in their rooms with their doors closed I still don't let them close them all the way when friends are over. You just don't know other peoples kids.

[mamazee]

My 8-year-old does that, and it isn't fair to characterize it as a "lap dance move." I don't like seeing normal child behavior sexualized. It's more of a potty humor move. She knows nothing about lap dancing, but she is well versed at potty humor.

[treeoflife3]

Originally Posted by loraxc

OT, but are 6yos "tweens" these days?? My 6yo is sure as heck not a tween in my eyes. Tweens are 10-12, aren't they?

Do we all really worry about mixed gender groups at this age? DD's best friend is male, and not only do they play behind shut doors, they have sleepovers. They're 6, for heaven's sake! I'm not denying that kids play doctor, but I don't know..I don't worry about it. DD has lots of information about all of that (including books that are very clear and show kids' bodies) and I don't think she is going to get involved in anything pathological.

you probably don't want to hear about what I was doing at 6....

[AllyRae]

Originally Posted by mamazee

My 8-year-old does that, and it isn't fair to characterize it as a "lap dance move." I don't like seeing normal child behavior sexualized. It's more of a potty humor move. She knows nothing about lap dancing, but she is well versed at potty humor.

If you didn't witness what I was watching, then it's unfair of *you* to say that. I know what I was watching, and I know what this girl was imitating. Like I said, her role models aren't the best. I actually had to call her mother and tell her I was sending the child home after 3 incidents that were very much sexualized. Not every 9 year old is as innocent as we'd like them to be. There are 9 year olds that are capable of knowing what, and imitating, adult sexual behavior. There are tweens that are pregnant.

Normal 9 year old behavior is *not* the type of dancing I saw and had to put a stop to.

Like I said, every situation is different. And as long as I allow the child into my home (because you know, she could use a few more female role models in her life....), I will adapt the rules to keep the other children safe.

I'm not saying this child is a perverted deviant. I am saying that it seems that she has witnessed behavior that is not at all appropriate for younger children to see, and she was imitating it.

Oddly enough, I lived in another neighborhood where the tween knew what Adult Swim was and would repeat things she heard on it. So, while our children might be pure and innocent, unfortunately not every child grows up that way.

Anyhow, tangent. But, I didn't want you thinking I was sexualizing a 9 year old. In fact, I was actually very saddened by the fact I saw a 9 year old actually engaging in sexual behaviors around 2 six year olds. And I promised her mom that from now on, there will be at least 1 adult supervising play at all times, or at least the children would know that an adult can and will check in on them at any interval, and no closed doors. And I did that for not only my child's protection, but for my own...it's not like I really want the kids to go to their mom and say "well SHE let me do it!"

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by AllyRae

Like I said, every situation is different. And as long as I allow the child into my home (because you know, she could use a few more female role models in her life....), I will adapt the rules to keep the other children safe.

That's kinda how we ended up with the "when child X is over, doors must be open" rule.

Oddly enough, I lived in another neighborhood where the tween knew what Adult Swim was and would repeat things she heard on it. So, while our children might be pure and innocent, unfortunately not every child grows up that way.

There are no secrets from middle schoolers who ride the bus. For me, that's not a reason to have my middle school keep her door open, but there comes a point where if you want to keep your children niave , you need to live in cave with a rock in front of it. Having them shut their door isn't going to do it!

[lolar2]

Most of the 9-year-old girls I've seen do that kind of thing, have shown signs of puberty before they turned 10. (I used to be a substitute teacher so I met a lot of 9-year-olds.) So I think it probably is partly hormonal as well, not just bad influences.

[greenemami]

yes, they are allowed to close their doors, but there are not locks on them, and I wouldn't allow locking if there were. Actually, the rule is that if you want privacy, close your door so there is no confusion about it, and we all knock before entering. We don't have friends over to play often (well, dd and her friends are too little to care about playing privately and dsd only lives with us part-time) so that hasn't been an issue yet. I would allow them to play privately though, but would let them know that I would be checking in every so often. We now have three kids and two bedrooms, so I'm not sure how this will work once two of them are sharing a room.

[MissMaegie'sMama]

Originally Posted by AllyRae

Like I said, every situation is different. And as long as I allow the child into my home (because you know, she could use a few more female role models in her life....), I will adapt the rules to keep the other children safe.

I'm not saying this child is a perverted deviant. I am saying that it seems that she has witnessed behavior that is not at all appropriate for younger children to see, and she was imitating it.

Oddly enough, I lived in another neighborhood where the tween knew what Adult Swim was and would repeat things she heard on it. So, while our children might be pure and innocent, unfortunately not every child grows up that way.

Sadly, my neighborhood has a preponderance of children in this type of situation. They are exposed to mature ideas and themes at too early an age, and they lose the innocence of childhood much sooner than they should. It breaks my heart.

Like the PP quoted above, every situation is different, and I don't think a parent is out of line to expect a child leave his/her door open when other kids are in the room with him/her. It's not just for the protection of the children, but for the parent.

However, I believe to require a child ALWAYS leave her/his door open no matter what is disrespectful of that child's needs. Most of us NEED privacy and solitude from time to time, and if we can't get it in our own rooms, where can we find it? IMO, the Open Door Always Policy is an unfair expectation. My opinion is that true AP families RESPECT each other's needs for privacy and alone time. Attachment means sometimes letting go, even for an hour or two.

[Dukey25]

My kids are 6.5 yrs 4.5 yrs and 2 yrs I am comfortable with all of them closing their doors, mostly due to their personalities. I am not comfortable with closed doors when friends are over. With the older two I will knock and then enter with the youngest I spy just to make sure he is ok
I am sure my door policies will change as they age.

[ancoda]

My children are all allowed to close their doors when they are playing in their rooms. The 8 year old and the 2 year old share a room and their door does not lock. The 4 year old is very introverted and is allowed to close and lock his door so long as he opens it for DH and I when we knock.
They very rarely have friends that come over, they mostly play outside with other kids, so we have not really had to visit the open or closed door with friends over policy.