Giving advice to family, do it or not? - Page 2

[catilina]

I don't want to sound harsh, but honestly, do you have a 3-year-old, or is your 14-month-old your first? My 3-year-old was an angel at 14 months. And at 18 months. And at 2. It wasn't until he turned 3 that we started to see some real problem behaviors. Now, I have that kid who has screaming tantrums over every little thing. He has been potty trained for a year (which he did totally at his own pace. We never forced or even prodded him to use the potty), and he still fights me when I tell him he needs to go to the bathroom in the morning (he wakes dry, after sleeping 12 hours, but he still just doesn't want to take the time to use the potty...). He screams over everything.

Maybe I am just being sensitive, because I feel like we've tried to do everything "right" with DS, and we still have so many behavioral issues with him, but I would definitely not think it was cool if someone stepped in and tried to give me "advice" about his behaviors, especially if the person who was advising me had never had a 3 year old to try to discipline...

Now, if I had ASKED for some help, advice, or direction, then that's a totally different story. Also, if I mention to someone the problems we've been having over xyz issue, then it would be appropriate for that same someone to suggest a book that they've read/heard can help with xyz behavior. But if I don't specifically mention it, I don't want advice/book suggestions/etc. I think it's presumptuous to assume that someone needs/wants help from you when they don't specifically ask for it. And to me, your post sounds awfully judgmental for someone who just "wants to help." But if you can do it in the right spirit, and if you have the right relationship with your brother, maybe he won't be offended. Personally, though, I would not give advice unless he had specifically asked for advice and/or bemoaned a problem behavior to you. Just my :

[Jilian]

Catilina I was going to ask the same thing. OP, do you have a 3 yr old? IMO 3 is the craziest age and evrything you described sounds normal to me. I'm on my second 3 yr old and they are just...ummm....challenging to put it nicely. And a 3 yr old on vacation and away from the comfort of her everyday surroundings? Forget it!

To answer your question: No. There is no nice way to give unsolicited advice to someone on parenting without sounding holier-than-thou and potentially ruining a relationship in the process. ESPECIALLY if you haven't dealt with a child of that age yet (I'm assuming you haven't, I could be wrong). Its like getting parenting advice from someone without a child. I can really understand being in your position, we have someone in our lives with a child who we clearly see as having issues (on the spectrum, kid is a dead ringer for my DS1) but need to keep quiet until mom & dad discover it on their own.

[Punchy Kaby]

I have a 4.5 yo as well, who was a challenging toddler. And I have a 14 mo who is a very.challenging.toddler. There were several months we did not go to busy public places with the 4 yo because we knew he would melt down and I didn't think it was fair to him or me to put ourselves into that kind of situation. So, sorry, I forgot to mention my experience.

And a 3 yr old on vacation and away from the comfort of her everyday surroundings? Forget it!

Even more of a reason to to go out of the way to do something fun just for the toddler, or get back to where you are staying to get in the regular evening bath, or just get back to a place where you can safely have a meltdown in private .

Maybe I am just being sensitive, because I feel like we've tried to do everything "right" with DS, and we still have so many behavioral issues with him, but I would definitely not think it was cool if someone stepped in and tried to give me "advice" about his behaviors, especially if the person who was advising me had never had a 3 year old to try to discipline...

So, knowing that your DS has behavioral issues, would you plan a 10 day, heavy driving, all day long sightseeing vacation in 4 cities?

I am most likely NOT going to say anything to him. However, he did put himself 'in the line of fire' so to speak. He offhand asked several questions of DH (who is very hands on with the kiddos) about typical 3 yo behavior and questioningly gave DH looks when he gave the 3 yo chocolate milk and a lolipop on 2 separate occasions of trying to 'calm' a meltdown. He outwardly was not confident in his choices, did I mention he has been a dad for only 2 months? Lucky for me at 2 months of parenting I was worrying about spit up and rashes, which is far easier than figuring out a toddler. He also chose freely to stay with us and our two kids. If it were me and I were unsure of my parenting skills, I would not stay somewhere [with my bossy older sister]where I felt under a microscope.

I have gotten unsolicited advice from friends, and frankly sometimes I am really glad that I did. Just this past weekend I was out with both kids, my friend and her 4 yo. A situation came up with my 4 yo and I was busy tending to the toddler, she gently made a suggestion. I'm so glad she did, it changed the whole dynamic of the situation and I really learned from it because it was right then while the behavior was happening.

[crunchy_mommy]

Based on your most recent update, I would have your DH talk to him (give him some ideas to mention ahead of time if you need to) since it seems like he's already kind of looking to him for advice. I think guys can often have that kind of conversation without somehow accidentally ending up sounding condescending.

And I do not think it is unusual to schedule a big sightseeing trip... DS is only 1.5 and we have gone on several trips with him. It was a learning experience. He hated the beach the first time (couldn't crawl yet so it was too much 'sitting doing nothing' for him)... he loved it once he was able to walk. He loves looking at paintings -- I wouldn't have known this if I hadn't taken him to several galleries. Eating dinner out is horrendous but sometimes we get tired of preparing hotel-room meals or ordering out pizza, so sometimes we'd go to a sit-down restaurant even though we knew we'd probably deal with lots of screaming. We went to see all the sights, and he loved some of it & hated other parts. Oh and he HATES the car ride up there... We have always tried as much as possible to accomodate DS but I don't think our entire lives have to be put on hold until he outgrows the toddler years. We enjoy going on vacation & yes, we do adjust some to make the whole thing easier on DS (and luckily overall he loves vacations too), but we would never 'stay out of busy public places to avoid meltdowns' or skip things DH & I really wanted to do etc. because it's a FAMILY vacation not DS's vacation. So I guess what I'm saying is, I really really wouldn't judge based on that... I think you do things differently & that's fine if it's what works for you but that may not be what's best for them as a family or even their toddler alone. He may be like my DS and far WORSE when he's not on vacation... and I hope that doesn't mean I'm a bad parent, because I try my absolute hardest but he is a very very high-needs kid.