April DDC PAL Mamas

[Sihaya]

This is a thread where women who are pregnant again after past pregnancy loss can gather to introduce ourselves, chat, vent, grieve, and celebrate on our journey to new rainbow babies.

Share as much or as little as your feel comfortable sharing. Congratulations! We can't wait to get to know you.

If you'd like, you can share your noteworthy dates (loss dates, due dates, or other important dates), and I will keep a list of them here so we can keep each other in our thoughts during those sensitive times.

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[Sihaya]

I'm Steph, 27, and this is my fourth pregnancy. I have a DS, 2.5, who was born at home on 12/22/07 after a remarkably easy and uneventful pg and birth. He was not planned, though he was certainly welcome as we were intending to start TTC a few months later.

My second pregnancy was also a surprise and I was still nursing DS, who was 21 months when I got the BFP. I started spotting around 7.5 weeks, weaned DS due to the spotting, and finally went to the ER at 9w6d for an ultrasound (which my home birth midwife couldn't give me) and found the baby measured 5 weeks. I miscarried the next day, November 5, 2009. I named that baby Pearl and she was due June 3, 2010.

We waited a few cycles and got pg again the first cycle we tried. I started spotting a little earlier that pg and miscarried at 8w6d on March 3, 2010. I named that baby Opal and she was due October 7, 2010.

After the second miscarriage, I spotted for a month afterwards and had a long weird cycle. We waited for one more cycle, then TTC for three months before getting pg this time around.

This time, I am taking Synthroid (thyroid medication I took with DS, but had stopped taking before the other two pgs), started Prometrium at 3 dpo, am taking several different supplements to help prevent miscarriage, and am working with a natural-minded OB during the first trimester so I can have an early ultrasound and blood work done (neither of which my midwife can do). If this babe is sticky, I will be transferring back to my midwife at 20 weeks and planning another home birth.

[othersomethings]

Hm. I guess I've already heralded how I feel about this. But I'll add. Thanks for the thread

My first pregnancy was a loss at 7wks.

My second gave me a beautiful little girl, she's sleeping beside me right now. She's incredible.

Then I got pregnant last fall. An ultrasound at 8wks showed a 7wk embryo and no heartbeat. I choose not to do D&C, and finally delivered at 12 weeks. That was a really hard month. And it was a few days before Christmas. It was really hard for me, in ways I didn't expect and made me realize "I have no control over my fertility."

A few months ago I knew I was pregnant. I was extremely late, and tested for two weeks, even went and had blood drawn. I'm pretty sure it was a blighted ovum.

So now I'm just like - I don't know. I went ahead and told family and some friends. I want to rejoice with them now, because they are the ones who will either be with me in April, or the ones who are with me in a loss. Either way, I felt it was better to tell right off the bat.

[star thistle]

hey mamas, thanks for sharing your stories.

i guess i will join, i could use the commiseration.

our first ds was born still in 2004 at 39 weeks. beautiful and perfect. in 2005, i got pregnant again and during a routine doc visit, found there was no heartbeat. i was 10 weeks along and waited to naturally miscarry a couple of weeks later.

the next couple of years brought my husband and me the joy of foster parenting, the devastation of infertility and the awakening of my current beliefs in natural pregnancy, birth and living.

my ds was born in 2008 at home in the water with myself, my husband, and our midwives in attendance. screaming and pink and wonderfully alive, he renewed my faith in life and birth and the power of my body and myself. he turns 2 in september.

this year i have had two very early miscarriages, before 5 weeks. i am 5 weeks 2 days today. i have very mixed feelings about getting excited, making plans, even talking about the pregnancy. i have not told anyone besides my dh that we are expecting. i feel (and i know it's irrational and wrong and just not true, but that's what deep dark fears are, right?) like i am almost a disappointment or some sort of failure as a woman/mother because of my losses. miscarriage is so taboo and even though it happens in as many as 30% of all pregnancies, it is just not talked about.

so, for now i am cautiously optimistic about being pregnant. i know the outcome of the pregnancy is pretty much out of my hands. i am crossing my fingers that everything turns out the way it is supposed to and that i have the strength to handle it, whichever way it goes.

looking forward to finding peace with you ladies and helping each other get through it. sending lots of our way!

[3boobykins]

Hello, and so very sorry for your losses.

I'm Heather, 39 years old, due 4/11/11. Last March we had a surprise pregnancy. I was beyond thrilled, dh was beginning to adjust, and then I m/c at 8 weeks. DH agreed to try again. For various reasons, we needed to wait to TTC, finally began trying this January. I had two chemical pregnancies, one in Feb, one in April. I just got an unmistakable, quite dark BFP yesterday evening at 13 dpo. I'm feeling really good about his one. With my CP, the lines kept getting lighter each day until I started to bleed when AF was due. This time I only took the one test and won't be taking any more. I'm just going to enjoy each moment. We plan on having another home waterbirth with the same wonderful, awesome midwife who attended the births of our dds. I'm considering asking her if I can get a cheap u/s somewhere around 7 weeks, and I also might rent a doppler until I begin to feel movement. I'm feeling very quietly excited and optimistic, overall!

We haven't told our families anything yet, and won't for awhile. I do have a few friends I'll probably tell pretty soon.

: sticky

Sticky, sticky, sticky vibes to all of us!

[Sihaya]

Welcome, ladies. Sorry you have to be here, but glad we can all support each other.

[hannybanany]

Originally Posted by star thistle

i have very mixed feelings about getting excited, making plans, even talking about the pregnancy.... i feel (and i know it's irrational and wrong and just not true, but that's what deep dark fears are, right?) like i am almost a disappointment or some sort of failure as a woman/mother because of my losses. miscarriage is so taboo and even though it happens in as many as 30% of all pregnancies, it is just not talked about.

I hear you.

I am blessed to be sahm mom to two amazing daughters, born in '05 and '08, and four miscarried babies. I'm due again (that's hard to say...) April 3.

It's comforting to know you all are here, that we can understand each other's emotions during this time.

[Sihaya]

[kalamos23]

Oh, thank you so much for this thread!

My story - DD was unplanned but definitely not unwanted. I had a small SCH with her that ended up resolving, and while I was sick most of the pregnancy due to random things (sinus infection led to ruptured eardrum, the bad influenza twice, food poisoning, bad morning sickness, preterm labor), she ended up coming 7/3/08 after a long labor.

We decided to start trying right around when she turned 1, got pregnant but lost the baby the next day - chemical pregnancy. I started m/c on her 1st birthday. I'm fairly certain it was due to LPD due to nursing. It took 6 months to conceive, and we found out we were pregnant right before Christmas. I went on prog supps just in case. Went in for the 7 week u/s, baby measured ahead, looked great, but looking back at the pic I have from the u/s it showed a large retroplacental hematoma with clotting. I'm fairly certain that that was the cause of baby passing. He passed at ~ 8.5 weeks but we didn't find out until 11w1d, I m/c at 12.5w. DH and I felt it was a boy, and his name was River James.

It took 4 cycles to conceive again, and we found out the weekend of Father's Day. We were thrilled! At 5w2d I had a gush of blood and just knew. I got betas, and then an u/s at 5w4d and it showed a large SCH that was compressing the gestational sac, though development was on target. I found out the day before DD's 2nd birthday that we most likely would lose the baby. I ended up m/c at 7 weeks exactly, and baby looked around 6-6.5w.

This was the first cycle following that loss, and surprise! We're pregnant! The OB wanted us to wait to TTC to get RPL testing done, but she didn't tell us that until the day before I ovulated... so yeah. This cycle, I did start taking baby aspirin from a few days before ovulation, I'm also on prenatals, folic acid, b6 and b12 and prog supps and hope that something out of that works.

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

I will join you all. I have one 4 yo healthy ds that wasn't planned but we were very happy with the surprise. We really didn't want another lo for at least few years and started ttc#2 may 2009. Had a chemical pregnancy october 2009 and then months and months went by and nothing. I was beginning to feel defective. It was really hard on the edd of the chemical pregnancy june 8th. I was really beginning to give up and was looking at getting SA for dh in a few months. I didnt think i was preggo this cycle b/c i started to get a few pimples which is normal right before af. But on CD 33 I took my temp and there wasn't a dip so I went a head and took a test and to my surprise it was positive! I had gotten so used to negative tests at this point. I told dh right away, i also told my sister later, but didn't tell anyone else yet. I want to so bad, I was reading about how excited i was with ds in my journal, and i remember with the chemical pregnancy i told everyone, but it was very emotional to talk about it after the fact, so that is why we are trying to wait to share the news. I know with the chemical pregnancy i felt like something was wrong from the beginning, like i knew it wasn't meant to be, and eventhough i have my worries now, i don't feel that way with this little poppy seed, so hoping my feelings are right on. EDD april 23rd!

[Blanca78]

Hi All,
I think I'll join this thread. My story is perhaps a bit different in that I didn't have a "regular" miscarriage but a molar pregnancy--in which a chromosomal abnormality leads to a growth of abnormal placental tissue rather than an embryo--and it was diagnosed at the 8 week ultrasound. It sounds so yucky to even write it out--I mean, I thought I had a baby and I had a tumor. I had to have chest xrays because occasionally they can turn into cancer that spreads to the lungs (very, very rare), and then a D&C, and then beta tests every month for six months to make sure my hcg was staying at zero and the cells weren't returning.

It was all very scary and shocking to me. Molar pregnancies are uncommon (about 1 in 1500) and just merit a sentence or two in most pregnancy books. Because all the books emphasize how rare they are, it wasn't even on my radar screen. I was steeling myself for a regular miscarriage, but to be told it was molar was a complete shock. Then again, I'm sure it would have been just as terrible a shock if it had been the other. I had had no indication that anything was wrong, save for some slight pink spotting in week seven that I attributed to exercise, and then maybe some cramping--I don't remember for sure. I felt like my body was playing a cruel joke.

I felt a lot better after the D&C--it was out, I could move on. I was depressed and grieving the loss of the pregnancy, I think, but at the same time relieved to be able to focus on other things for the six month waiting period and look ahead to trying again. We were finally cleared at the end of June. First month, no BFP, but second month we got one at 9 DPO! I still can't believe it--I never expected us to conceive again so quickly, and feel extremely lucky that way.

That said, I'm having major anxiety issues right now. I spent yesterday feeling like I couldn't breathe, like I couldn't even comprehend that this baby might work out. I guess I felt pretty positive this cycle--I had a very strong feeling I was pregnant about 6 DPO--not rational, as it likely hadn't even implanted, but I just was overwhelmed by this secure and peaceful feeling that I was pregnant.

I'm so scared right now, partly because I do feel somewhat at peace (when I'm not freaking out)--because I didn't know something was wrong before so who am I to trust my instinct? I'm not truly worried about another molar, but I am worried about a miscarriage. I'm afraid to get to invested in the idea of being pregnant, because I don't want to have the rug yanked out again. At the same time I feel myself getting attached, and I am terrified.

My cousin lost a baby at 12 weeks and went on to have two healthy kids. She sent me a sweet message that basically said she was terrified with her first pregnancy after the miscarriage, but she realized that it wasn't fair to deprive herself of enjoying her pregnancy, so she just tried to relax and recognize that the outcome was beyond her control. And it turned out fine. I pray it is fine for all of us, too.

[chinupchamp]

Hi all - I guess I'll chime in here too, even though I sometimes don't consider my losses as losses, even though they were....it's complicated. Neither time I m/c did I know that I was pregnant to begin with - so we weren't really trying. I think this made it easier somehow.

Anyway, in 2002, I was 22 and on a family trip to Italy with my bf's family. We were in Tuscany and the roads were terribly winding and people drive so fast. At first, I attributed my sickness to car sickness. I wanted to sleep all the time, my allergies went haywire and I was super constipated! (TMI I know, but it's a very real pregnancy symptom for me!) So, in light of how crappy I felt, I went to the Farmacia and got a bottle of herbal laxatives...took about 40x the dose and went to bed. Needless to say, I didn't have issues with my constipation, but I also IMMEDIATELY started my "period" the next day.

I only figured out that I was pregnant when I actually became pregnant with DD in 2007. Then all the same symptoms happened again - and it was like OMG, I was pregnant in Italy....what happened - oh yeah. Herbal emmenagogues. Great.

So, had DD in 12/07. Then in Aug 09, started bleeding like crazy. About ten days after what I thought was AF. Turns out I had been pregnant but lost the baby about 7 weeks into it. No heart beat. That was a crazy ride. Apparently you can't get a D&C unless you are prepared to wait three to four weeks in my town, so I just went home, and let nature take it's course. It was super surreal though, because all the staff treated us with kid-gloves...but we weren't really that upset, which I guess made us freaks. Of course it's sad that this one didn't work out, but we were actually "trying" not to get pregnant.

So, here I am, preggo again (unplanned) and due on 6/4/2011. It's hard to get excited about it because I don't really trust my body. I have since adjusted my thyroid meds and started taking WAY better care of myself. I think this one will be sticky, but I am nervous to get all excited and start thinking about life with two kids. I don't know when the magic moment is where you stop worrying that you are going to lose the baby...but I hope it happens!

Whew - that's been really cathartic! Thanks for starting this thread and if you read all the way though this, thanks.

Here's to us, mamas.

[famille_huggins]

I'm so glad to have this thread! My story in a nutshell:

We have a 9yo adopted son. He was our first child. He came to live with us when he was 9mo old as a foster child, and he's been with us since. We finalized his adoption when he was 2 1/2.

Three weeks after he came to live with us, we discovered I was six weeks pregnant. During that pregnancy, I had low progesterone levels and had to supplement. I also had a transvaginal cerclage placed at 21 weeks because of cervical incompetency. I began tearing through that cerclage at 25 weeks, but the doctor felt like that was because my cervix was already changing at placement. I spent 15 weeks on bedrest and gave birth to my sweet DD (now 8yo) at 36w1d.

Dec 2005: Loss at 6 weeks -- Low progesterone (no supplementation, pregnancy discovered too late)

Oct 2006: Loss at 9 weeks -- Low progesterone (levels dropped despite supplementation)

April 2007: Loss at 22 weeks -- Cervical incompetency. Because I was known to have IC, I had a prophylactic cerclage placed at 14 weeks. At 22 weeks, my cervix tore through the cerclage. Bulging membranes, PROM, cord prolapse, premature delivery. Our son Zachary lived 1 hour and 48 minutes before dying.

August 2007: Loss at 8 weeks -- Possible clotting disorder. Baby's heart stopped despite good progesterone levels and very close monitoring.

Dec 2008: Heterotopic pregnancy -- Ectopic twin lost without intervention. The intrauterine twin survived and I gave birth to her in July 2009. She's now a rambunctious one-year-old.

My last pregnancy was monitored so closely, as I imagine this will be. I rotate care between a traditional OB/GYN and a perinatologist. Since I'm known to have had transvaginal cerclage failures, I now have a transabominal cerclage. I have frequent sonograms to monitor the baby in relation to the cerclage. I take Prometrium to supplement my low progesterone levels, baby aspirin for that potential clotting disorder, levothyroxine and prenatal vitamins. I have to take 17P hydroxyprogesterone injections beginning at 16 weeks to prevent pre-term labor. Though I wish things were different for my physically -- that I could be more "all-natural" -- I feel these are small sacrifices for the potential of that sweet bundle at the end. Looking forward to loooooooooooooooooong pregnancies for us all...

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Hello, everyone. It's comforting to read all your stories. After I miscarried back in March I did feel this silver lining of being able to better understand something that so, so many women experience.

It had taken DH and I a long time to decide to stop trying not to get pregnant. DC was 8! Because we weren't trying it took a while for me to get pregnant and DH was still quite ambivalent when I got a +hpt. For those reasons the miscarriage was especially disappointing to me.

I was due this month. It started with bright red blood one afternoon in the 11th week (March 2010). The bleeding continued lightly until I miscarried in about 2 hours that night. Lots of cramping, bleeding and etc. Thanks to MDC I had read a bunch of miscarriage stories that day so knew kind of what to expect. I went to a midwife who I hadn't even begun seeing for a Rogham shot later that weekend.

Fortunately, something about either those 11 weeks or the miscarriage changed DH's approach to getting pregnant again and he was more on board in the following months.

Here I am pregnant again...6 weeks along! Yay! I'm doing things a bit differently. With the last pregnancy I was supplementing with all kinds of vitamins and herbs, which I've decided to hold off on until the 2nd trimester. I'm also not really telling anyone other than my mom and a couple of friends.

Last time I was pregnant around Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and etc. My family and friends are quite the party-ers...as am I so turning down a drink at a party was everyone's first clue! Seriously, I ordered a water at a party and immediately was asked if I was pregnant. :LOL At least this time of year we're getting back to school so maybe I can get away with a couple of months.

[Lauren82]

Hi everyone, I'm really glad for this thread.

I have had 3 losses. The first was at 11 weeks. I then went on to have a healthy ds and dd. Then I had another 11 week loss. Then I gave birth to another dd and had a 6 week loss after that. I do not know the causes of my m/c, the only thing I do know is that my progesterone levels were supposedly fine during each pregnancy.

DH and I had decided that we would wait a couple years before TTC again so I sold my maternity clothes, baby gear and fertility monitor. We dtd one time in the past 6 weeks and we got the timing right. I'm still in shock over that one. I guess it's true that it can happen when you least expect it.

So, here I am. I'm so nervous. Every time I use the bathroom I look at the TP. *sigh*

I truly hope we all get sweet little fuzzy headed babies to hold in April.

[CheekyLilMonkeys]

I'm so glad to find this thread, can't bring myself to join the usual DDT.

I've had 3 sons, DS1 is 4yrs, DS2 is 2yrs, and DS3 was stillborn this year on 20th May - so 3 months ago. He was 23weeks. I've been very depressed since losing him but just 2 weeks ago finally started seeing a counsellor. She mentioned it would probably be best to wait a bit before having another baby given my grief and that I had only just started to get on top of my anxiety and depression. Now I'm seeing her tonight and will be telling her I'm pregnant. We weren't trying but we weren't doing anything to prevent pregnancy if that makes sense. We only DTD on day 10 of my cycle, so we really didn't expect this.

OUr reaction is different than we would have expected. I thought I would try and remain detached to avoid the heartache when we lose this one. But I know with my DS3, I think I didn't make the most of the kicks etc that I did feel, or my growing belly, because I thought there would be more, stronger kicks to enjoy down the track. So we don't know how long we will get to keep this one, so want to make the most of every moment I do have them with me. I don't want to regret anything.

It's strange for me reading in the usual due date chat about people making plans for when their babies arrive. DH and I haven't even thought in terms of that. 12 weeks wont even bring confidence, because DS3 was perfectly healthy at 12 weeks, even at the 19 week scan. To be honest I don't really expect to get to keep this baby. Can't let myself believe it's possible. So what we say is, even when I get cramps etc, that right now, I'm pregnant. This we know for sure. So we focus on that. And the miracle that it is. And we'll deal with tomorrow when it comes.

I realised yesterday, when wishing again that I still had DS3 inside me and healthy (he was due mid-September) that if I wished that, it would be wishing away this little baby that's inside me now. I try and stop those trains of thought, as I know it's not helpful. Have to not see the two as connected.

So I am on folate and baby aspirin, and will be having a dating scan at 8weeks to start tracking growth. I was always the one wanting as little testing and poking and prodding as possible. Funny how your perspective changes. Oh and we are not planning to tell anyone till 20 weeks. We are too fragile to take on others worry as well. Only my two very close friends know as I'll need their support throughout this, whether we get to keep this baby or not.

[Lauren82]

I just wanted to check in and see how everyone is doing. I am going to call and make my first prenatal appointment tomorrow and ask if I can get 2-3 betas done just to put my mind at ease. Although I have a feeling that I'll find something else to obsess over regardless.

It's so hard to just relax and try not to worry.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Hey, Lauren82 and everyone!

I'm doing ok. I'm starting to look pregnant, which I weird. I'm not sure if it's psychological or not but DH even noticed. I'm also kind of enjoying this time of not telling people...although at the same time I started wondering if the cultural thing about not telling during the 1st trimester is our society's way of withholding support during our most tired and sick months of pregnancy. I start school in two days and DC starts in a week and my house looks like a bomb hit it. I actually read the March DDC to lurk about the 2nd trimester and it was encouraging to remember the nesting energy. I'm excited for that.

I don't see the MW until 12 weeks. I was slightly bummed about that but am also somehow ok with this time of "it'll happen if it happens". I still don't have my hopes all the way up. I do take comfort in how busy September will be and when it's over I think I'll be past the date of my miscarriage, I will most likely have heard a heartbeat, we can start telling people and I can relax and start to get excited.

[Blanca78]

I'm glad some of you are able to relax. I"m doing a lot better. Sometimes it is still hard to shake this feeling of fatalism--I have never had a healthy pregnancy, so it's hard not to feel like it's just not in the cards for me. I have to tell myself that I have about an 80% chance of everything being just fine. Those are pretty high odds. WHen I can stay distracted, it's easier to relax and be happy and enjoy this time.

[Stayseeliz]

I have good days and bad days. I broke down crying about 5 days after we found out and told DH it was just too hard to hope and I was so scared of being disappointed. He said we have no choice BUT to hope and we just had to take it one day at a time. And he's right. Life marches on, the kids have to be parented and I have to take it a little bit at a time. I've survived losses before, there is nothing I can do to control this and I just to have believe things will work out.

That doesn't mean I don't panic on occasion but I'm not panicky all the time.

I wish I still had the innocence someone before a loss does though. A friend of mine found out she was pregnant on Friday and wrapped up the test and gave it to her kids then announced it to everyone on facebook two days later. We've known for over two weeks and my kids still don't know yet and no way would I announce it on facebook until we saw a heartbeat. I worry most about telling the kids. They know something is going on but they don't know what. And I don't want to say "We're having another baby!" only to have to tell them something happened and there's no baby. I don't know that I can handle their grief on top of my own.

I'm a Christian and truly believe that God is in total control of all of this. But I know that not everything works out the way we want it to and sometimes bad things happen. I just want it so bad that's it hard to let myself get excited and truly believe it.

I have my first dr's appointment a week from Thursday. That can't come fast enough. Maybe once I see the heartbeat it will seem real? This was just such a surprise that it seems too good to be true.

Sorry for the rambling..