April DDC PAL Mamas - Page 8

[Gabesgrrrl]

A looong diatribe.....

Hi Everyone,
I feel like I'm drowning in emotion and have no support here.

I had my ultrasound yesterday-I was supposed to be 9 weeks exactly. The tech told me she couldn't find a baby, and that it looks like a very early pregnancy.

My midwife called at 8:30, and said according to the report they did find a baby: 6weeks and 4 days old, but no heartbeat. Since there is no biological way this baby could be that old, the assumption is that it's a missed miscarriage. She did say that at the age it's measuring, it's right on the edge of when a heartbeat would be expected, so she's scheduled me for a follow-up US in a week, but it's likely my body will miscarry before then.

I feel so confused. Why do I have pregnancy symptoms? Why do I LOOK pregnant? (4th baby, showing early...) Why is this, my 3rd baby not sticking around? Why do I have a partner who is unrelenting and cruel about this? I just want someone to come to my house, make me homemade hot chocolate and let me cry and talk.

It feels weird that there's a baby there inside my body, but dead. It feels like something from a sci-fi movie is happening to me, and I feel crawly and yucky. I am angry. And now, since this is my 3rd in a row, I have to get a referrel to an OB for testing, and go through all the hoops to figure out why this is happening before I were to try again. Which I don't feel I want to subject myself to for a baby that is mostly to satisfy my husband's want.

Quite honestly, the way he is acting is making me wonder if staying married to him is what I want-let alone growing our family.

I found out about this around 2:30, and by 5pm, he was telling me "I promised him another baby", and that I would be going back on my promise if I didn't try again. He started listing off things he thinks it could be, and saying that he will figure it out, and then if I don't try again it would be "unfair". This will be his second child, and he's been pushing me and pushing me to have another one, in spite of the fact that I feel done, I have a balance disorder which makes parenting tiny ones very unpleasant, and my business is taking off and I don't want to have to give up my clients-I've been parenting since I was 19, and I'm turning 36 this month. I'd really like a chance to have a career of some kind. But none of that matters to him, because I "promised him". Well, I also said 5 years ago, that I didn't want to be giving birth after 35, and it was never the "right time" for him-and now, soon after I turned 35 he started pressuring me, threatening me with divorce and more if I wouldn't try again. I think I've tried. 3 lost babies in 6 months is a lot.

He also said when I became pregnant this time, that if this one didn't work out he wouldn't pressure me to try again. I reminded him of that, but of course in his mind it doesn't count because there's something obviously wrong, and I owe it to him to figure out what it is and fix it so I can keep my promise. But of course, it doesn't go the opposite direction when it comes to HIS end of the deal, which was to move us out of the city-we moved, and he's already planning to move again in spite of the fact that everybody else loves it here. HIS reasons are "logical", and I am the selfish one if I don't agree....

I need a hug.

Marcie

[IdentityCrisisMama]

You do need a hug, mama!! Your DH is really not handling grief well right now AT ALL. I'm sorry that you have all that do deal with on top of this uncertainty. Cyber hugs.

[Lauren82]

Marcie,

I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. Please be gentle with yourself.

[kalamos23]

IME, guys want to try and "fix" things. Doesn't make it right or easier but that has been my experience with DH. Also, I'd be half inclined to tell him it could easily be his problem (chromosomal translocation) and to have him get tested first. He also might be feeling like it's an affront to his manhood since fertility and manhood are so intricately tied together.

That being said, I am so so sorry you are going through this. I know after 2, I was thinking maybe it was just happenstance, but after 3 m/c in a row, it was really rough. (((Hugs))) to you and I highly recommend the TTC after a loss ladies in the loss section even if you don't plan on TTC, some of them aren't either but they just "get it".

[Blanca78]

Marcie, it sounds just awful, and I am so sorry. Your DH's behavior sounds shocking to me. All I can think is that perhaps it is his way of processing grief. I'm sorry he is not there for you right now in the way you need him to be. Are there any friends or family you might be able to confide in? Counseling? I hope things look up soon.

[Lauren82]

We have a h/b! I am measuring one day behind what I had figured as my due date. The u/s said 4/29 and the tech said it's not enough difference to bother changing anything.

My next u/s is Oct 14th at 12 weeks for the nuchal translucency scan. I feel a little bit better but still not connecting too much to the baby. I didn't cry which was really surprising.

One day at a time.

[kalamos23]

Lauren!! I'm so so so glad for you!! So you are almost 8 weeks then?

[Lauren82]

Yep. U/S said 7 weeks 5 days and by my calculations based on the day we DTD, I had 7 weeks 6 days.

[hannybanany]

What great news Lauren!

I had my first appt with the midwife today. She couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler, so the u/s tech took a quick peek and found the baby with a hr in the 170s. 11w 3d today.

I still haven't told many people that I'm pregnant. When are you all planning on telling friends and family, or have you told already?

[Blanca78]

Congrats Hannybanany and Lauren! Add me to the list of those with a good ultrasound result--baby measuring 8w3d, heartbeat 167!!!!! Doctor said everything looks fantastic, and now that we have gotten this far and seen a healthy fetus, miscarriage rate has dropped to around 3%. What a relief. I know we're not out of the woods quite yet, but it's starting to feel more real. But Lauren--I can totally relate to not feeling totally connected. I'm sure I'll get there, but I admit my first reaction when I saw the heartbeat was "What is this alien creature inside me?!" not "Oh my darling baby." As it's sinking in, I'm feeling more excited--and more intimidated by the life changes that are to come (this is my first).

By my O date (Aug. 3) I should be 8w1d. I mucked it up a bit and lied to my doctor about LMP--I said it started 3 days later than it actually did, to make up for the fact that I O'd on CD17. I should have trusted her intelligence more, I think, but at any rate no harm done. By the date I gave her, she has me as a day behind my calculations but I doubt it matters, right?

I just can't believe it. It looks like a fetus. Head, little nubs of arms and legs (or what I think are arms and legs). Craaaaaazyyyy.

[Lauren82]

Originally Posted by hannybanany

What great news Lauren!

I had my first appt with the midwife today. She couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler, so the u/s tech took a quick peek and found the baby with a hr in the 170s. 11w 3d today.

I still haven't told many people that I'm pregnant. When are you all planning on telling friends and family, or have you told already?

Thanks!

So far I have told my mom, grandma, father in law, kids and two closest friends. I'll wait until 12-13 weeks to tell other relatives and friends. I am assuming that my mother probably told some other relatives though since she can't keep a secret.

[Blanca78]

Originally Posted by Lauren82

Thanks!

So far I have told my mom, grandma, father in law, kids and two closest friends. I'll wait until 12-13 weeks to tell other relatives and friends. I am assuming that my mother probably told some other relatives though since she can't keep a secret.

Yeah, I've told a handful of close friends who I knew could keep a secret, plus my sister because I was visiting her and I knew she'd be suspicious I wasn't drinking. Pretty much everyone I've told except my sister has either had a miscarriage before and knows the need for discretion, or confided in me when they were first pregnant.

Personally I am really excited to tell our parents and I think I'd be okay telling them now that we know things are going well, but DH is more cautious and wants to wait until the end of the first trimester. His mom has a HUGE mouth and I really don't feel sure that I could trust her to keep a secret. At the same time, she had a miscarriage herself once and might be more discreet than I give her credit for.

[Sihaya]

I'm so glad to hear that so many of you have seen/heard heartbeats and had good ultrasound results! It seems like it's been so long since we had our u/s (4 weeks ago) but still a bit of a wait until we get to listen with the doppler (2 weeks).

Originally Posted by hannybanany

I still haven't told many people that I'm pregnant. When are you all planning on telling friends and family, or have you told already?

We told my mom, my sister, and the ILs and I have told a handful of friends as needed. Once we hear a heartbeat at the 12 week appt, we'll be telling my dad, our grandmothers, and our other siblings in person/on the phone, then announcing to everyone else via Facebook.

[Stayseeliz]

Yay for so many great ultrasounds! It's nice to see that hb!

I have my next appt a week from Monday and I'll be 11w2d. I hope they can find the hb with doppler by then but I doubt it. Hopefully they'll be able to though!!

Just about everyone knows by now. My belly is so big that there's no hiding it. And once we told the kids we knew everyone would know!!

I go back and forth between being really confident about everything and being totally freaked out! I just don't believe it yet!

[kalamos23]

I have an u/s today at 1:30 PST - really nervous, and I'm convinced the baby has passed in one thought and then that the baby is fine in another. I've picked *something* up with the doppler for split seconds, but it's been like 126 and 206, neither of which I think would be accurate, so it may be the doppler spazzing out.

So yeah, that is me.

[Lauren82]

Rachel. I felt like that yesterday. I had went in there prepared for the worst and then when I saw the baby I just said Oh. I feel really bad that I don't have much connection yet. It's still really early for doppler. I bet everything will be okay. Please let us know how it goes.

Stayseeliz, at 11 weeks it is very possible you would hear a h/b with the doppler, especially if it has the higher sensitivity probe. I have a ton of belly flubber and can generally find a h/b around 10 weeks with a 3mhz probe.

[Blanca78]

Originally Posted by kalamos23

I have an u/s today at 1:30 PST - really nervous, and I'm convinced the baby has passed in one thought and then that the baby is fine in another. I've picked *something* up with the doppler for split seconds, but it's been like 126 and 206, neither of which I think would be accurate, so it may be the doppler spazzing out.

So yeah, that is me.

Yep, that was me yesterday too. It turned out fine, and odds are yours will be fine as well! Please update and thinking of you!

[Stayseeliz]

Originally Posted by kalamos23

I have an u/s today at 1:30 PST - really nervous, and I'm convinced the baby has passed in one thought and then that the baby is fine in another. I've picked *something* up with the doppler for split seconds, but it's been like 126 and 206, neither of which I think would be accurate, so it may be the doppler spazzing out.

So yeah, that is me.

Hang in there!! That was me two weeks ago! I almost threw up before the u/s. It's nerve wracking!!

[kalamos23]

Oh thank God. Baby measured 6w5d at 6w6d last time, and 8w1d today at 8w1d. Heartbeat was 165bpm and the best news is that the hematoma is resolving.

*breathes a huge sigh of relief*

Next u/s will be Oct 4th at 10w5d.

[Lauren82]

Originally Posted by kalamos23

Oh thank God. Baby measured 6w5d at 6w6d last time, and 8w1d today at 8w1d. Heartbeat was 165bpm and the best news is that the hematoma is resolving.

*breathes a huge sigh of relief*

Next u/s will be Oct 4th at 10w5d.

Oh, that's wonderful news!