A looong diatribe.....Hi Everyone,
I feel like I'm drowning in emotion and have no support here.
I had my ultrasound yesterday-I was supposed to be 9 weeks exactly. The tech told me she couldn't find a baby, and that it looks like a very early pregnancy.
My midwife called at 8:30, and said according to the report they did find a baby: 6weeks and 4 days old, but no heartbeat. Since there is no biological way this baby could be that old, the assumption is that it's a missed miscarriage. She did say that at the age it's measuring, it's right on the edge of when a heartbeat would be expected, so she's scheduled me for a follow-up US in a week, but it's likely my body will miscarry before then.
I feel so confused. Why do I have pregnancy symptoms? Why do I LOOK pregnant? (4th baby, showing early...) Why is this, my 3rd baby not sticking around? Why do I have a partner who is unrelenting and cruel about this? I just want someone to come to my house, make me homemade hot chocolate and let me cry and talk.
It feels weird that there's a baby there inside my body, but dead. It feels like something from a sci-fi movie is happening to me, and I feel crawly and yucky. I am angry. And now, since this is my 3rd in a row, I have to get a referrel to an OB for testing, and go through all the hoops to figure out why this is happening before I were to try again. Which I don't feel I want to subject myself to for a baby that is mostly to satisfy my husband's want.
Quite honestly, the way he is acting is making me wonder if staying married to him is what I want-let alone growing our family.
I found out about this around 2:30, and by 5pm, he was telling me "I promised him another baby", and that I would be going back on my promise if I didn't try again. He started listing off things he thinks it could be, and saying that he will figure it out, and then if I don't try again it would be "unfair". This will be his second child, and he's been pushing me and pushing me to have another one, in spite of the fact that I feel done, I have a balance disorder which makes parenting tiny ones very unpleasant, and my business is taking off and I don't want to have to give up my clients-I've been parenting since I was 19, and I'm turning 36 this month. I'd really like a chance to have a career of some kind. But none of that matters to him, because I "promised him". Well, I also said 5 years ago, that I didn't want to be giving birth after 35, and it was never the "right time" for him-and now, soon after I turned 35 he started pressuring me, threatening me with divorce and more if I wouldn't try again. I think I've tried. 3 lost babies in 6 months is a lot.
He also said when I became pregnant this time, that if this one didn't work out he wouldn't pressure me to try again. I reminded him of that, but of course in his mind it doesn't count because there's something obviously wrong, and I owe it to him to figure out what it is and fix it so I can keep my promise. But of course, it doesn't go the opposite direction when it comes to HIS end of the deal, which was to move us out of the city-we moved, and he's already planning to move again in spite of the fact that everybody else loves it here. HIS reasons are "logical", and I am the selfish one if I don't agree....
I need a hug.