Analyze my crazy (re: birth disappointment)

[riverwed070707]

Mostly a lurker here, but I'd appreciate some input on this situation.

My question: Would I be crazy to consider becoming a surrogate to try for the natural birth I dreamt of if I'm healthy and able to give birth but not ready for another babe?

Other considerations: DH is going back to school FT and we're losing about 50% of our income so this would be a HUGE help in getting us through these couple of years.

We won't be ready for a baby at least until DH is done with his 2.5 year program, if ever. We originally planned on one and done.

If we do have more babies, I would love.love.love to adopt and have even considered adopting a sibling group... the only thing holding me back is that I really feel I missed out on having a birth experience with DD and don't know if I can be satisfied with never getting that. She was taken by c-section at 35 weeks because the u/s tech thought her growth was being restricted... turns out she was just way off on her estimates. I never even so much as experienced a contraction and even now, 2 years later, I feel like I missed out.

I feel like having this baby could give me the birth I wanted, while being an amazing gift to a loving couple to whom adoption just isn't enough. Is there such thing as becoming a surrogate for selfish reasons - lol?

*Disclaimer: I'm fully aware I still may not get the birth I want, that there could be complications or I could possibly never get matched.

[MsBlack]

Not crazy in my opinion at all. Not in the least. If you are going to do the surro thing, though, you should shop around and find a family who is willing to have as natural a birth as you want. No, you might not get your wish, things with that pregnancy/birth could go in other directions (we dont' get any guarantees)--but it can really really help to start with a family that has some basic agreements with you on pregnancy and birth care. Then, if things end up more technological/invasive than your plan, at least you can feel it was needed, not just allowed (and so sorry for your first experience!).

I know a surro mom who had 4 babies of her own at home; she felt done with having her own babies but had always wanted to be a surro mom. But there was no way she wanted to plan a hospital birth for that. She did shop around, and then engaged in full discussions with her 'family'--and ended up with a homebirth again, per her wishes.

[riverwed070707]

that's really awesome and inspiring! I would LOVE to have a homebirth but had kind of figured for this it wouldn't be possible. Thanks for sharing.

[somelady]

You're at least not the only one with this crazy.... I've had these thoughts too, that if I had my "do-over" with someone else's kid I could think more rationally about if we wanted more.

[Kellyh_01]

As a surrogate myself, no I don't think it's crazy. I had my first 2 children, carried surrogate twins, then had 2 more children, and am now carrying another surrogate baby. But you CANNOT count on it as an answer to money problems. It rarely happens on the timeline you think it will. My first surrogacy I did 7 IVF cycles over 3 years, with 3 different couples before it finally worked. There is so much waiting involved, it's unreal. This time I am doing this uncompensated for a friend, but our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. That is something I never really considered might happen, and was very difficult. There is usually travel involved, and childcare for your own kids, and the possibility of multiples, bedrest, etc. It is a huge deal, that affects your whole family. Now don't get me wrong, it's the most amazing thing in the world when it works, but it can also be the most diffucult at times too. Really spend time thinking about it and find out all you can about it. Surromomsonline.com is a great place to start. Good luck!

[birthjunkie27]

Originally Posted by Kellyh_01

But you CANNOT count on it as an answer to money problems. It rarely happens on the timeline you think it will.

It is a huge deal, that affects your whole family.

No, I don't think it's crazy, but I definitely agree with the above.

I was a surro (never carried a baby to term though) over the course of 2 years for 2 different couples. Couple number one had issues with the mother's eggs and we never made it to IVF. Couple number two we had an amazing transfer of 2 embryos but that pregnancy only lasted until 10 weeks.

It is a very LONG process with many unexpected twists and turns.

Coincidentally my husband at that time was having an affair AT THE SAME TIME that I was going through the surrogate pregnancy and ultimately ended up walking out on our family about 2 months after the miscarriage. This is *after* we had many extensive talks about surrogacy and what it would mean to our family and we both saw a counselor (which we had to fly out of state for) that specialized in surrogacy and we were both extensively interviewed by the agency to make sure our relationship was strong enough to handle a surrogacy. I'm obviously not saying that ALL marriages fail when surrogacy is involved..... not at all...... what I'm saying is, you have to be prepared to expect the unexpected and be prepared for it to impact your own family in a big way.

[April422]

I guess I'll buck the trend and say that having a baby (even a surrogate baby) to "heal" or "have" the birth experience of your dreams is a very unfair pressure to place on the pregnancy and more importantly the baby.

If it all goes to heck again, then what?

If you are passionate about helping someone create or expand their family, great! But don't go into it as the means to an end in seach of a "birth experience."