Mommas with bad childhoods... does it affect the way you parent?

[candiland]

I'm curious as to how many AP mommies here had difficult childhoods.

I have some PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) that is slowly fading away; also, bipolar and depressive tendencies, thanks to my lovely childhood. I am wondering: does it make you freak out about how you are parenting sometimes?

Sometimes I feel like panicking...... I think about how I don't want my kids to have a bad childhood, memories of a psycho mom, etc. etc. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between normal parenting and overparenting; analyzing actions and choices and overanalyzing actions and choices; whether I'm going nutty and overboard over some issues or whether I'm just being human, trying to do the right thing.

Can anyone here relate? How is your difficult childhood affecting the way you parent, both for better and for worse?

[wombat]

I think when you grow up in a nutty household, you MUST overanalyse everything. Well maybe not OVERanalyse but analyse a lot. The first step is developing awareness of your own family's shortcomings, and then analysing your own thoughts and behaviours. People who grow up in 'healthy' families probably have more healthy 'automatic' behaviours and feelings. People who grew up with psycho moms have to unlearn a lot of unconscious behaviour. I know I did.

I think the concerns you mention would also be concerns to moms who didn't have bad childhoods. Parents are always concerned with getting it 'right'.

I waited until I was 36 to have a baby. And my major was child psychology, my field of work was child protection. I feel prepared and confident and parenting isn't so scary. I think I would have been a terrible parent if I'd had a baby any earlier.

In some ways I think I'm a lot more tolerant, less judgemental, and more empathic because of the way I grew up and the experiences I had.

[Leatherette]

First off, I make a conscious effort not to parent while drunk!

Really though, I try not to make it all about not being like my parents - too negative - but more about thinking about my choices carefully and enjoying my life with my kids.

I also have some good older parenting models in my life.

L.

[famousmockngbrd]

Originally posted by wombat
People who grow up in 'healthy' families probably have more healthy 'automatic' behaviours and feelings. People who grew up with psycho moms have to unlearn a lot of unconscious behaviour.

Definitely.

I am always jealous of people who have naturally appropriate reactions. : I have to work at mine a lot of times, lol.

The hardest part for me is finding something to replace the approach I grew up with. I.e. - "You mean sarcasm and insults are *not* the best way to interact with people??"

[Tigerchild]

Yes, it does, in two primary ways...

First, I waited a relatively long time to have kids and went into the childcare/ECE field so that I could get training and lots of experience before I actually was left alone with a kid.

Second, I believe I spend more time reflexively worrying that I might abuse my child even though I've never raised hand or voice to her.


I have been slowly letting go of my mother's mothering and my fears that I might become abusive. I have to remember that she and I come from VERY VERY different parenting situations and beliefs. I know that I will make my share of mistakes, but they sure as hell won't be hers. I am slowly getting peace about my childhood, though there is still a lot of anger to be worked out. I don't bother trying to talk about it with my mom though. Frankly, I don't need her, though I would like to have her in my life. But I don't expect her to nurture or support me, I've built relationships that satisfy that need. It's really liberated me to care for my kids and accept love from other people.

There is a book called "Mothering Without a Map" (don't know the author) that is supposed to address this issue. I don't know how good it is, my therapist was telling me about it a few weeks ago, but it sounded interesting.

[Elphaba]

candiland, if I didn't know you had red hair, I'd think you must be my sister. Your dx are word-for-word the same as mine. I was stunned when my therapist told me I fit the profile for PTSD. I was like, great, I'm the sole survivor of a war nobody else even knew was being fought.

And yes, it really hurts my parenting. But anyone who has read my posts knows how I struggle.

[saintmom]

I had to un learn alot.seems like I made all my mistakes with our first born.For me it took alot of time and space not to model the only behaviors I knew.The sad part is we live a long way from my folks.thats very intentional on my part! So the kids have never had much interaction with their grandparents.

[Elphaba]

saintmom, my dh and I made a pact to never live in the same state as either of our parents! The Army makes that easy, but we definitely keep our distance!

[Mom4tot]

Originally posted by Leatherette
First off, I make a conscious effort not to parent while drunk!

.

Being sober and awake puts us a head of the game already! Sorry, I know that ws sarcastic I was wondering if anyone else felt like crying when they read the "for those of you with great mamas" thread? I have done a lot of work even before I had kids to grieve some of my childhood, but somehow reading those posts just made me sad. I strive to be a different kind of mom, but like famousmockingbird said, I envy people who have such positive natural reactions.

I love being a mom and I value every day with my little ones...so I hope that counts for something!

[MomOfHeathens]

Everything that woman who gave birth to me did wrong... I make sure I don't do. I also make sure my children feel loved and wanted, I don't blame them for things that go wrong in my life, I don't use the oldest two as free childcare, and I don't put any of my children down and tell them they are worthless.

They say children learn from example and I know I did. Every example that woman made as a BAD mother I make sure I avoid so I guess I can thank her for showing me what NOT to do with my own kids.

Oh and as for living away from your folks... my egg donor lives in Oregon and I live in Georgia. I LOVE that! We also haven't talked in 2 years and that...ahhhhhhh that is wonderful!!

[polka hop]

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[Mom4tot]

Riotkrrn, do you mind me asking what you mean by left on your own unwillingly, at an early age? I know I too often felt lonely and was left alone a lot...but not always physically. I think a lot of what I suffered was neglect. Reading the posts about really involved caring moms (on the "good mama" thread) makes me see how much interaction was missing. Like you are saying, often the interaction was negative in nature. Thanks for sharing, if you are comfortable.

[Shoshoni]

Originally posted by famousmockngbrd
Definitely.

I am always jealous of people who have naturally appropriate reactions. : I have to work at mine a lot of times, lol.

The hardest part for me is finding something to replace the approach I grew up with. I.e. - "You mean sarcasm and insults are *not* the best way to interact with people??"

Wow, I could have written that. Yes, growing up in a family with mental abuse is hard to live with.
Sometimes I find myself acting like my step-father and I feel like crap afterwards.

[lotusdebi]

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[Pynki]

I try very hard to not be my mother..

Having children has only made my sorrow over my mother deeper. .Kinda like.. HOW COULD YOU TREAT ME THAT WAY AND STILL SAY YOU LOVE ME???!!!

I moved away from my mother.. My dh and I bought a house..She moved 8 miles away.. How do you stay seperate that way... I try to avoid her.. I know she is mentally ill.. I know it is a disease, but when you are blamed for your mothers 2nd tri-mester miscarraige when you are 17, something is wrong.. It is one thing to believe your mother feels that way.. It is another to have her tell you it was your fault.. That everything in her life that went wrong is your fault..

I strive to always "be there" for my boys.. I will faithfully go to anything they are in.. I will encourage them in whatever direction they wish to go.. I talk with them about what they feel.. What things scare them... I will help them to feel secure and strong in who they are..

I will work to be the mother i wish i had, and still need.. Knowing that I will never have the mother i yearn for..

Warm Squishy Feelings..

Dyan

[babybugmama]

Oh yes. At first I told myself I wasn't even going to look at the thead 'cause I didn't want to feel bad. But then I thought you know, there might be some good ideas in there, so I looked. I was right. There were good ideas and I'm glad I looked.

Just when I think I'm done grieving my youth, sometimes it sneaks back in there. My biggest problem is fear of abandonment. For the first year of our marriage I had nightmares about dh cheating on me on almost a nightly basis. Then it became maybe once a week, then once a month, until now it's been maybe a year. So, I thought good, maybe I've finally addressed it. But then here comes my wonderful baby girl and I start feeling panicky thinking what if she doesn't love me. I know it's possible for a mother not to love her daughter and frankly vice versa. (my family and I have healed a lot of hurts, but I still don't fully trust or count on them to be there and the love is not that deep family love).

Anyway, I fight yelling and if I toot my own horn, I'll be damned if I don't do a good job! I am really proud of how hard I've worked and what I've accomplished. The only regret/envy I have, is I wish I could relax and just enjoy being a mom instead of worrying about what damage I might do. I get glimpses every now and then and I think it's coming. I hope it is.

[babybugmama]

pynki - oh your post made me think of that same feeling. There was this moment when dd was maybe 6 weeks old and we were dancing gently to lullabies. I felt the most overwhelming sense of love that tears came to my eyes. Not moments later I was crying for my mother who I know never felt that for me. I felt so sad for her limited life. (that sounds harsh, but I don't mean it to)

[rainsmom]

I wouldnt say I had a "horrible" childhood, but my relationship with my father made it not great.

I had my ds at 19.........so I think I made all the mistakes with him as a parent.

Having another chance with my dd in my 40s has really been healing in so many ways. And choosing a partner who is everything my father wasnt and watching him with dd has also been a healing experience.

Its so hard to let go of what "the childhood we wished we had". Even for me. But I try to think that for some reason, it was just my intended journey to go thru that and I think Ive come thru it a better person, or a healed one.

[polka hop]

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[alsoSarah]

Does it affect the way I parent?

Every freaking day.

It feels like walking the edge of an abyss; it would be so easy to slip, and end up back there with my own child. I just try to focus on keeping my balance....

alsoSarah