My mom told me that going out to eat with my kids "mortifies" her :( - Page 2

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by Catubodua

because the other people in the restaurant have the right to eat there undisturbed as much as possible. i know we all love our kids and still love them during their not so great moments, but it's not fair to expect the entire world to be as patient with them as we are. the fact some of parents in this community believe that it's fine for toddlers to act like tyrants and everyone else in the world just has to deal doesn't mean we all feel that way.

Wow. Just one more thing Mom's cant (or "shouldnt") do just because they have children, and might "disturb" someone. Enough of the world is made for adults that dont want to be disturbed. Children are people too. They just havent learned to communicate as well as some of us, but that doesnt mean they deserve to be hidden. If you dont want to be disturbed, don't go to one of the noisiest, family friendly corporate restaurants. It wasnt like she was letting him act this way at Ruth's Chris at 8 pm on a Saturday night. Jeeze, its breakfast at Crackerbarrell.

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

Originally Posted by Narmowen

If he was acting that badly, I wouldn't have stayed in there with him (I would have taken him outside), no matter if he would have been fine if/when the food came.

I think that what you did was rude, especially in a public place.

why is it rude? is anyone with a toddler supposed to hide away just incase they have a bit of strop in public.

op

[Kathymomof5]

you know..everyone's kids act cranky in restaurants sometimes. I don't think what you did was wrong at all. I have 4 small kids and have had more than my fair share of dining diasters...that's just a part of life. Kids will never understand how to behave in public if you don't give them the opportunity to learn. I'm so sorry your mom was rude this morning...that's just what she was..rude. It's such a shame that she's missing out on what should be one of the greatest times in her life..getting the priviledge of being a grandmother! Pray for her and for your relationship with her and your children. God does some amazing things!

[Catubodua]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama

Wow. Just one more thing Mom's cant (or "shouldnt") do just because they have children, and might "disturb" someone. Enough of the world is made for adults that dont want to be disturbed. Children are people too. They just havent learned to communicate as well as some of us, but that doesnt mean they deserve to be hidden. If you dont want to be disturbed, don't go to one of the noisiest, family friendly corporate restaurants. It wasnt like she was letting him act this way at Ruth's Chris at 8 pm on a Saturday night. Jeeze, its breakfast at Crackerbarrell.

where did i say children should be hidden? or that this is something a mom can't do?

i'm saying that not everyone thinks a cranky toddler in a restaurant is appropriate and they would consider the OP rude for not doing enough to handle the situation. how is this shocking to anyone that not everyone in the world agrees that the world revolves around their kids?

[rainbowmoon]

I think you BOTH have a point. But some people really are mortified by that type of behavior when eating out. Not everyone is but some people are. I know I am and I won't go out to eat if my kids don't behave. If they are babes and fussy or cranky, we leave. There are times we just don't eat out! I think you have to pick your battles though. It is really more her issue than yours.

[lolar2]

I recently read a web chat with Alfie Kohn where someone wrote in with a question like "I've noticed that a lot of your questioners on this chat are talking about children behaving badly in restaurants. Do you think that might be just because Americans eat out at restaurants much more often than in previous generations?" And Kohn said "I never thought of that, but good point. I'll look into it more."

So I'm wondering if in this case your mother was thinking "MY kids never had tantrums in restaurants," when in fact she isn't thinking about the fact that she rarely took her kids to restaurants because it was less common then to go to restaurants, either with or without kids. Does that make any sense?

ETA: but at a place like Cracker Barrel with crayons and kids' menus, yeah, I consider overhearing tantrums to be part of the experience, no matter how my own child behaves. That said, if I think he is super hungry and might melt down, I sometimes give DS food before we go to a restaurant.

[JamieCatheryn]

I'm very sensitive to what others around me think too so I get just as mortified if I take my kids to a restaurant. Lucky we can't afford it anyway so our dining out consists of one fast food meal a month, often that is carry-out. Still she was rude and unsupportive, but maybe she has a complex like I do so I can understand. If I did what she did I'd apologize later when I calmed down.

[Mommy2Austin]

Personally, if it had been me and my mom (or MIL) I would have calmly replied "You are more than welcome to leave at anytime. I'm perfectly fine enjoying my breakfast with my children alone so you can avoid said "Mortification."

We're talking about a 2 yr old child. He's still a baby! This isn't some 7 yo who should have the ability to handle his/her emotions a little better in a public place or take a timeout to get themselves under control. This is no different than an infant crying to nurse/for a bottle. He was hungry and tired from getting up early. The OP said as soon as the waitress/waiter brought crackers her son was fine.

Her mother sounds uninterested in her grandkids. If that's the case, I wouldn't bother forcing the relationship. In the long run all that would do is confuse the kids and make the OP feel worse about her mother and her mother's behaivior.

[Marsupialmom]

I can understand your mom's feeling --- to a small, very small point. It can be very embarrassing to a person.

Screaming toddlers is no fun while your trying to eat. I do think you could have handled it better. IMO, you should have had crackers since you were coming from home. Also did you ask the host for crackers? Also, at that age I found having a stash of crackers or cereal (in a pinch food) life saving. No parent is perfect but I do think you could have better manage and prevented the situation some. I feel as parents we should help our children learn the right behaviors by setting them up for success -- tired, hungry children does not set up for success.

IMO, if you want people to respect your situation you need to respect theirs. This doesn't mean I expect a quite child but just better management.

I don't know yours and your mom's dynamics but if all possible can you revisit the situation. Give a little "Yes, mom you were right. WE should have handled the situation better. Maybe next time we should bring a little snack or one of us take him for a walk. My mom is pretty crappy, but I can say in that situation she would have been asking for crackers, suggest taking for a walk, get food to go, et.

Also not knowing your mom this attitude could be 100% appropriate:

Personally, if it had been me and my mom (or MIL) I would have calmly replied "You are more than welcome to leave at anytime. I'm perfectly fine enjoying my breakfast with my children alone so you can avoid said "Mortification."

I have gotten that attitude with my mom.

[Ceinwen]

I'm in a reverse role with my mom - she's kind and patient with my two year old (who is an SPD/ADHD nightmare on GOOD days) and I'm the one going 'I'll meet you in the car!'

So I can definitely see both sides of it.

[Nicole730]

I only read the first couple responses and wanted to respond that sounds like normal 2 year old behavior to me! I'm sorry your mom wasn't more helpful.

[Soul-O]

I have four boys ranging in age from 10 to 2, and another boy on the way. My DH is deployed. Therefore, if we want to eat out, it is total crowd control and behavior management for me while my kids eat. I do not set foot into a restaurant, doctor's office, meeting, or other situation where kids are expected to behave well, without a stash of munchy, healthy snacks, a few small toys (i.e. cars or little people), and a couple of easy to read books. OP, as much as I sympathise with your restaurant situation, and feel that your mom's comment was out of line, I have to agree with the PP who suggested that you need to be more prepared for going out, especially when you know that your child is bound to be hungry and tired.

[LCBMAX]

I'm the one smiling sympathetically at you from the next table. You're doing fine, and I know how hard it is not to have the support you hoped for from a grandma.

With any luck though, you've unsubscribed by now from your own thread! I would.

[wytchywoman]

Originally Posted by Catubodua

because the other people in the restaurant have the right to eat there undisturbed as much as possible. i know we all love our kids and still love them during their not so great moments, but it's not fair to expect the entire world to be as patient with them as we are. the fact some of parents in this community believe that it's fine for toddlers to act like tyrants and everyone else in the world just has to deal doesn't mean we all feel that way.


OP - did you ask your mom to take him for a walk or did you think she should have offered on her own?

I tend to disagree with your first sentence. Children are a part of life, especially at a family restaurant. I would like to think that in this day and age we are past the stage of "children should be seen and not heard". That's a load of poo. The fact is 2 year olds don't handle hunger well. I know older people who have a problem handling it well too. It seems like everyone is willing to make excuses for grouchy old people, but everyone gets their panties in a twist over a toddler having a small fit. If the kid was screaming for an extended period of time, then yes, they should be removed from their restaurant. But one episode while waiting for crackers is not inconveniencing anyone.
OP, it's fine and well for you and your sister to take what you can get, but your mom is inappropriate to your children as well. They can't control whether they have to spend time with your mom or not, nor can they really do anything about it when she makes a verbally abusive comment to them ( "nasty") At a minimum I'd have a chat with her and tell her that if she wants to see her grandkids then she needs to learn to hold her tongue. If she'd just as soon not be around them, then what are they really losing? I understand how tough of a choice this becomes. I've had to pretty much cut off contact between my parents and my younger son, because he is autistic and simply not capable of producing behavior that is acceptable to them and they can't keep their mouths shut about it, and my dad grabbed him and shook him two years ago. So....no more visits with grandpa. It stinks, but they really haven't left me with any other choice.

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by Catubodua

where did i say children should be hidden? or that this is something a mom can't do?

i'm saying that not everyone thinks a cranky toddler in a restaurant is appropriate and they would consider the OP rude for not doing enough to handle the situation. how is this shocking to anyone that not everyone in the world agrees that the world revolves around their kids?

Where did the OP say the world revolves around her child?

You did fine OP and yes, your mom was rude and very unhelpful. People who don't have toddlers yet, or who have left those years long behind can be very judgmental. My son just left a trying phase behind where he would have mini-breakdowns at least hourly. I hope I remember how much a kind word of support helped when I am a grandma.

[VisionaryMom]

I would have been mortified. Flinging a drink on the floor is not okay. It's just not. If a child is that upset, you should take him/her out for a few minutes to calm down.

If your child was up at 5AM and this was breakfast at a more reasonable hour, then I don't understand why he hadn't been fed before going. I don't know your mom's experience with your kids, but I will say that I have friends who use the "he's hungry/tired/off his schedule" line every time their children do something embarrassing, and it gets old. I'm grouchy when I'm hungry, too, but I've learned not to throw things and hit people. That's something that may be age-appropriate but your child has to learn.

When we've removed our children from restaurants because of their behavior, they've understood that they needed to leave because they were doing X, and that's not something we can do in a restaurant. If I saw you, I will admit that I would be thinking, "geez, why isn't she doing something about her child screaming and throwing a drink on the floor?"

Being well-prepared is your best defense. If you knew your child was *that* hungry, then you should've had a snack there for him.

[mom2happy]

I think you should hAve a talk with your mom.
Tell her how you feel.
I thought my mom was selfish, but I know she would have done something to help or atleast tried. She atleast feels thAt when she is with me and the kids that we tag team it.


It's good to always have emergency protein snacks in your purse to try to avoid hunger meltdowns.
You've probably already figured that one out.
Unless you can fix this with your mom, I wouldn't put myself through being critcized.
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[MamaChicken]

OP, I started reading this thread this afternoon and was sympathizing with you and the poor response you were getting here. And then this happened:

My dad is in town visiting and wanted to take us to a real restaurant. My oldest chose a roadhouse, so really loud and family friendly - you know, the place where you throw the peanut shells on the floor? The kids were being great! The two oldest sat quietly and chatted with each other. The almost 2 yo twin boys were very happy, laughing and chattering and squealing with delight. They got very quiet when the food arrived and ate well.

We were almost done when an old man approached the table. He proceeded to tell us how disgusting it was to eat near such horrible loud children. How I should be ashamed to bring them out of the house if I can't make them shut up.

My dad calmly told him to go away and leave us alone. The old man then told all of us, loudly to kiss his @$$. Directed at my children! The waitress grabbed him and threw him out and appologized for him being so rude. I had a hard time not crying and I lost my appetite completely.

I know my kids are loud, especially the twins. They are almost 2 yo and they feed off each other. That's why we stick to family restaurants or fast food.

Tonight, I feel deep sympathy for you! I would have been devastated if my dad had been unsupportive.

[wytchywoman]

Wow. Hindsight is 20/20 people. I have no doubt that from here on the OP will bring toys and a snack with her to every restaurant. VM, I'd hope you know not to scream and fling a drink on their floor, though I am going on the assumption that you aren't two years old Moms aren't perfect, neither are two year olds. What should she have done? Beat him? String him up by his toenails? I'm sure she didn't praise him for tossing his drink on the floor and he quieted in a matter of a few minutes once he got crackers. We all live and learn and I'm sure she won't make the same mistake again.

[babygirlie]

i think both sides have a point

I went to a chinese restaurant and thank goodness there was hardly anyone there b/c my perfect angel flipped out knocked everything on the floor and clearly needed a bottle and a nap. I don't recall eating and it was a very not fun experience and I was embarrassed. I'm not the type to think get over it the world revolves around me and am very acutely aware of how I am treating people around me. The co-owner was very sweet and she told me mothers are not allowed to eat hot dinners until 2 years of age lol. Well, at least yours was two mine was just 1. I haven't gone out to eat since. I do feel very bummed about it and want to but honestly I would rather hire a babysitter so I could enjoy myself selfishly.

I also (pre babies) hated screaming annoying babies. Sorry! Going out to eat and spending 10 times what it would cost at home i DO want it to be all about me :P I want to be waited on and asked how my meal was and I want my food hot and be able to talk to my companion in a positive way. I remember in a dimly lit mexican restaurant which was "family friendly" though I don't know how since the plates were scalding hot and the ambience was more on the romantic side with margaritas making the rounds. I remember being banged repeated in the back.. watching a 3 year old stab my husband in the head repeatedly with a fork and the parents COMPLETELY ignoring the kids and doing nothing about it and this is with HIGH backed benches. I think some sort of decorum and a realization that you're not indeed at home and have no right to harm others or make their lives miserable just because you have kids.

What's wrong with being polite in society now a days. It's all about me me me

As for your mom yeah it was mean but she's your best friend and should be able to say mean things. It's like your best friend telling you your fat.. yes it's mean but REAL good friends are brutally honest and shouldn't have a fear of you dumping them out of your life because of it. Real friends should be able to be open like that. You were probably so busy you had no idea what things looked like. Maybe take note that maybe you're not ready for restaurant life or that with your mom you should make things easier by having breakfast at home where you can give her the attention she needs and the ability to talk to her as your children will be able to go play etc.

If my best friend told me it was hell being in public with my kids I would reevaluate my public parenting skills and not do public things with her if I am unwilling to change. It's just polite.