My mom told me that going out to eat with my kids "mortifies" her :( - Page 3

[Eavesdrop]

Originally Posted by wytchywoman

Moms aren't perfect, neither are two year olds.

Grandmas aren't perfect either.

[wytchywoman]

You're right, they aren't. But the 2 yo was not launching a personal attack on g-ma. He was acting like a 2 yo. Telling a 2 yo that they are nasty is really not ok, for any reason. In my mind there is a big difference between forgetting to bring crackers and verbally abusing a toddler.

[Dandelionkid]

Also, from my experience, family restaurants at breakfast are not the quietest places to eat. Heck, we ate at one of the fancier restaurants in town and had trouble hearing each other at times due to the "girls-night out" in a nearby lounge area. Now if we want a quiet place to eat we frequent a different restaurant.

Family restaurants are all about hungry kids and parents holding on to their last threads of sanity. Probably not the best pick for someone craving a quiet, peaceful environment

[odenata]

OP - your mom was definitely rude and unhelpful. I'm really sorry about that.

However, I think the situation might have been handled better.

Originally Posted by Kathymomof5

Kids will never understand how to behave in public if you don't give them the opportunity to learn.

They won't learn if you don't teach them, either. A two year old who is screaming and throwing his drink on the floor needs to be removed from the situation. Not just for the peace of the other diners, but also so he can begin to learn what is and isn't acceptable behavior. Take him outside, help him calm down, bring him back in when food is ready.

Of course parents don't need to "hide their kids away," but they should teach/help their children behave appropriately. Also, as a PP noted, they should set them up for success. I have made the mistake of going out to eat with a tired, grumpy child and that is exactly what it was - a mistake. We all make them.

[lach]

I recently had a very rough visit with my parents, where they obviously do not remember what life with a 3 year old is like. They said some very hurtful things and had some very unrealistic expectations about my daughter's behavior. So I sympathize with you.

However, you lost my sympathy at this: you didn't feed your 2 year old between him waking up at 5am, and you going out to breakfast? Which, I assume was at some point after 5:15am? I'm sorry, but I really hope that I'm reading that wrong. How could have possibly not foreseen poor behavior from a starving 2 year old, and fixed things before they happened by giving him a small breakfast sometime between when he woke up and when you left? I just don't understand why you allowed him to get so hungry. That's just asking for toddler trouble.

[odenata]

Originally Posted by wytchywoman

Telling a 2 yo that they are nasty is really not ok, for any reason. In my mind there is a big difference between forgetting to bring crackers and verbally abusing a toddler.

I really agree with this. One is downright malicious, and one is simply, well, part of being a parent. Like I said in my previous post, we all make mistakes.

ETA: I've been thinking about this more, and really, the OP came here asking for support b/c someone she loves was unsupportive, mean, and unhelpful to her. (And your mom was all those things, OP! I totally understand why it hurt you.) Maybe she made a small parenting mistake in taking a tired toddler out to eat or not bringing crackers, but isn't that when you need the people who love and support you, to, well, love and support you? To help you, instead of criticize and hurt you?

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by babygirlie

As for your mom yeah it was mean but she's your best friend and should be able to say mean things. It's like your best friend telling you your fat.. yes it's mean but REAL good friends are brutally honest and shouldn't have a fear of you dumping them out of your life because of it. Real friends should be able to be open like that. .

Yikes. The people I call friends wouldn't make an embarrassing situation worse by pointing out how awful it is making THEM feel. That is just so the last thing you want to hear when you have a cranky toddler on your hands that you are attempting to keep calm. To top it off by calling the child "nasty" for doing something so trivial as pulling a straw out of her hand? Not ok. Meanness (aka. brutal honesty) has no place in a caring,loving relationship. There are just so many other, grace-full ways of discussing something.

[lach]

Originally Posted by wytchywoman

Wow. Hindsight is 20/20 people. I have no doubt that from here on the OP will bring toys and a snack with her to every restaurant. VM, I'd hope you know not to scream and fling a drink on their floor, though I am going on the assumption that you aren't two years old Moms aren't perfect, neither are two year olds. What should she have done? Beat him? String him up by his toenails? I'm sure she didn't praise him for tossing his drink on the floor and he quieted in a matter of a few minutes once he got crackers. We all live and learn and I'm sure she won't make the same mistake again.

But what makes me scratch my head is that bringing toys and snacks when you go out with a very hungry 2 year old who hasn't eaten anything since dinner the night before seems like foresight to me. I always have a few quick snacks in my diaper bag for when I see a meltdown coming. I'm a little annoyed at friends who stick a snack in front of their children during any quiet moment... but 2 year olds have small tummies and quick metabolisms and sometimes they get hungry when you least expect it. It's always a good idea to carry a granola bar (or whatever: I always keep a few of those applesauce pouches that seem to be getting trendy... no prep, long shelf life, no mess, my kids love them) and a few toys. I never go to a restaurant without at least 3 small, quiet, toys for each kid.

I clicked on this thread expecting to be VERY sympathetic to OP, since I was just in a similar situation with my parents, but now I'm just confused as to how she could have thought this meal would go well. The first rule of toddlers is that a fed and rested toddler is a happy toddler, and that an unhappy toddler probably needs either a snack or a nap. This child was both tired and hungry, and I don't really understand how OP didn't plan better for that. But I may just be reading it wrong: she doesn't specifically say that the child hadn't eaten anything. That was just how I read it.

[NiteNicole]

As for your mom yeah it was mean but she's your best friend and should be able to say mean things. It's like your best friend telling you your fat.. yes it's mean but REAL good friends are brutally honest and shouldn't have a fear of you dumping them out of your life because of it. Real friends should be able to be open like that.

Your friends are rough.

Before I had kids, I went out to eat with my friends with children and understood that a large part of our experience was going to involve both of us trying to keep the kid happy.

When my own was born, we didn't eat out till she was old enough to mostly sit still and control her volume. She was probably 3.5 when we started eating out regularly as a family. She did fine (and still does, although we go to family friendly places ONLY because we're not pushing our luck). Before that, if we had to eat out (for a big family thing, usually), I was lucky enough to have friends and family who would pitch in with a cracker or produce a pen and notebook to entertain her or generally just help out. My mom would not watch me struggle with my child (especially in HELLO Cracker Barrel! Your mom could've offered to order for you while you went outside to play with checkers or something) and then gripe at me when I was in over my head.

But what makes me scratch my head is that bringing toys and snacks when you go out with a very hungry 2 year old who hasn't eaten anything since dinner the night before seems like foresight to me. I always have a few quick snacks in my diaper bag for when I see a meltdown coming. I'm a little annoyed at friends who stick a snack in front of their children during any quiet moment... but 2 year olds have small tummies and quick metabolisms and sometimes they get hungry when you least expect it. It's always a good idea to carry a granola bar (or whatever: I always keep a few of those applesauce pouches that seem to be getting trendy... no prep, long shelf life, no mess, my kids love them) and a few toys. I never go to a restaurant without at least 3 small, quiet, toys for each kid.

It's Cracker Barrel. The food is kinda a blech (the breakfast isn't bad) but it's a great place for kids. They give you crayons when you sit and bring biscuits to your table so I would not go there packed to the teeth with snacks and toys.

I've also gotten out of the house without everything I intended to take. It happens. Or you're trying to ride that line between screaming starving hungry and already ate so can't be interested in their food long enough for you to eat. It's not easy planning to eat out with a toddler but picking a family friendly place with crayons, food on the table when you sit down, an outside area to walk of steam, and a grandmother seems like it should cover all your bases.

[odenata]

Originally Posted by babygirlie

As for your mom yeah it was mean but she's your best friend and should be able to say mean things. It's like your best friend telling you your fat.. yes it's mean but REAL good friends are brutally honest and shouldn't have a fear of you dumping them out of your life because of it. Real friends should be able to be open like that.

I don't think real friendship has anything to do with being brutal and mean. In fact, I think that love and friendship are about not saying something when all it will do is hurt someone you supposedly care about. David Sedaris has a great line in his story "The End of the Affair" where he writes, "Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings."

You were probably so busy you had no idea what things looked like. Maybe take note that maybe you're not ready for restaurant life or that with your mom you should make things easier by having breakfast at home where you can give her the attention she needs and the ability to talk to her as your children will be able to go play etc.

(Bolding mine.) I really don't know that giving her "the attention she needs" would be the top of my priority list when she clearly makes no effort to give her daughter or grandchildren the attention and love they need.

[TCMoulton]

Originally Posted by wytchywoman

What should she have done? Beat him? String him up by his toenails? I'm sure she didn't praise him for tossing his drink on the floor and he quieted in a matter of a few minutes once he got crackers. We all live and learn and I'm sure she won't make the same mistake again.

Honestly, once he threw the drink and started screaming if food wasn't to arrive within seconds I would have scooped him up and would have headed outside until the food was on the table.

[Belia]

Wow. All of this Monday-morning-quarterbacking and 20/20-hindsight is making me .

I mean, really. Some of you ALWAYS leave the house perfectly prepared? You never forget ANYTHING? God bless ya. Because I sure don't. Just last week I went to the mall and was trying on clothes when DS made a massive poop. And guess what I didn't have! Diapers! Oooops.

Or a few months ago when we met my cousin and her toddler at an indoor playplace, and I couldn't figure out my DS suddenly was so crabby! Oh! He hadn't eaten for a few hours and was HUNGRY! DUH! I was so preoccupied with finding the new place and meeting the new people that I didn't even look at the clock.

OP, you did FINE. You have nothing to apologize for or feel bad about. We've all been there.

As for your mom- well, her comments were just uncalled for and hurtful. Remember that when she wants you to take her for an extra spin around th enursing home someday.

[ellemenope]

We go out to eat a ton. Way too much, I will admit. We do not let our 2YO disturb other patrons.

I took DD out late the other night for a mommy-daughter chicken noodle soup thing. It was about 7:30 at panera bread on a thursday and surprisingly pretty crowded. DD did very well until she took a dive head-first from the booth to the floor.

I did not even wait for her to start but pretty much scooped her up and left our soups and diaper bag and ran her to the bathroom. She cried for 5 minutes, and when she was showing no signs of good recovery, I carried her back to the table to dump our soups, and we left.

It was late and not fair to her our the other diners to make her stay.

I was not just thinking about the other people, I was thinking about her.

I won't say that the OP should have done something with her son, I am saying that the OP should have sone something for her son.

But, really? It is a crackerbarrel for crying out loud. They made me wait 35 minutes for my meal the other day. Darn rising star...

[LauraN]

Wow, I am stunned with the direction this thread took. This is the Personal Growth forum, the OP was asking for help with her relationship to her mom. She was not asking how to handle her toddler! This is supposed to be a supportive forum. Wow. Regardless of whether the OP handled things perfectly (I think she did the right things in the moment) the point here is that her
mom was nasty and abusive to her! Are the pps here really suggesting that she or her child deserve abuse because they had a tough time at a restaurant?!

If it was me, I would be having a chat with mom about how she can either learn to be supportive or she can stop hanging out with me and my kids.
Posted via Mobile Device

[StrongBeliever]

Wow... I am really surprised to find so many outdated and oppressive comments along the lines of 'children being seen and not heard'. Yucko. This is the stuff many of us grew up with, and a reason why I hope many of us are trying to improve upon the way we were parented.

I understand the everyone would like children to behave nicely when going out. It's a great thing to work toward. But get real... Little kids are little kids. And a two year old? A BABY? Come on! Do any of the snarky, self righteous posters on here remember anything from their own childhoods? I sure do... I can remember plenty of occasions where I felt hurt or frightened because my parents or someone else felt compelled to 'make me behave myself'. How many times have any of you, as adults, tried to express your needs or feelings and been made to feel crappy for doing so? Or did your parents just do a really great job "teaching" you not to do that?

I'm sorry your mother let you down when you needed her, OP. My mom(also my step-dad) do a really crappy job of understanding that little kids need to be little kids and not everything goes as planned. My mom had seven kids. She uses that totally ineffective and unbelievable cop out... "I had seven kids and I'm tired of the whole mess." No excuse to not remember what small children are like.

I'd like to thank all the mamas who have posted supportive and understanding comments. I've clapped my hands a few times. We all play a part in creating the future, especially in the way we raise our children. Do we want to create a world of polished, push button mannequins that know how to run and hide when their programming fails? Or do we want a world of fearless, compassionate people that know when and how to stand their ground, and when and how to help others? When my son and daughter are adults, and eating out someplace and see some grouchy kid throw their cup on the floor, I hope they'll be the kind of people who run over and pick up the cup and offer the kid a piece of bread out of their own basket.

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by StrongBeliever

Wow... I am really surprised to find so many outdated and oppressive comments along the lines of 'children being seen and not heard'. Yucko. This is the stuff many of us grew up with, and a reason why I hope many of us are trying to improve upon the way we were parented.

I understand the everyone would like children to behave nicely when going out. It's a great thing to work toward. But get real... Little kids are little kids. And a two year old? A BABY? Come on! Do any of the snarky, self righteous posters on here remember anything from their own childhoods? I sure do... I can remember plenty of occasions where I felt hurt or frightened because my parents or someone else felt compelled to 'make me behave myself'. How many times have any of you, as adults, tried to express your needs or feelings and been made to feel crappy for doing so? Or did your parents just do a really great job "teaching" you not to do that?

I'm sorry your mother let you down when you needed her, OP. My mom(also my step-dad) do a really crappy job of understanding that little kids need to be little kids and not everything goes as planned. My mom had seven kids. She uses that totally ineffective and unbelievable cop out... "I had seven kids and I'm tired of the whole mess." No excuse to not remember what small children are like.

I'd like to thank all the mamas who have posted supportive and understanding comments. I've clapped my hands a few times. We all play a part in creating the future, especially in the way we raise our children. Do we want to create a world of polished, push button mannequins that know how to run and hide when their programming fails? Or do we want a world of fearless, compassionate people that know when and how to stand their ground, and when and how to help others? When my son and daughter are adults, and eating out someplace and see some grouchy kid throw their cup on the floor, I hope they'll be the kind of people who run over and pick up the cup and offer the kid a piece of bread out of their own basket.

Beautifully said!

[~Boudicca~]

Originally Posted by Belia

Wow. All of this Monday-morning-quarterbacking and 20/20-hindsight is making me .

I mean, really. Some of you ALWAYS leave the house perfectly prepared? You never forget ANYTHING? God bless ya. Because I sure don't. Just last week I went to the mall and was trying on clothes when DS made a massive poop. And guess what I didn't have! Diapers! Oooops.

Or a few months ago when we met my cousin and her toddler at an indoor playplace, and I couldn't figure out my DS suddenly was so crabby! Oh! He hadn't eaten for a few hours and was HUNGRY! DUH! I was so preoccupied with finding the new place and meeting the new people that I didn't even look at the clock.

OP, you did FINE. You have nothing to apologize for or feel bad about. We've all been there.

As for your mom- well, her comments were just uncalled for and hurtful. Remember that when she wants you to take her for an extra spin around th enursing home someday.

No kidding.

I'm a mom, and a former restaurant server in everything from greasy breakfast place to fine-dining for high rollers.

Good god people, lighten up. OP is here for dealing with her mother's uncalled for comments and distance in their relationship, not a critique on all the things she did wrong in the heat of a really crappy handful of moments.

Oh if only we could ALL be so, so perfect.

OP, if I had been waiting on you, I would have given you the best look of serious empathy I could muster, a huge stack of napkins, and massive basket of bread and butter to bandaid the situation. Sometimes, s&^^ happens. Things don't always go as planned, and hindsight presents the painful, glaringly obvious.

Good luck with your mom. I'd have a really hard time not giving a really snarky, "'What's the matter Mom, are you too old to remember what it's like having little kids?" That would give her something to be mortified about.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by sebandg'smama

I'm sorry your mother isn't the mom you need her to be.

As for your ds crying in the restaurant, I think what you did was just fine. You knew that when the food came he would be fine.

-Melanie

[Marsupialmom]

Originally Posted by StrongBeliever

Wow... I am really surprised to find so many outdated and oppressive comments along the lines of 'children being seen and not heard'. Yucko. This is the stuff many of us grew up with, and a reason why I hope many of us are trying to improve upon the way we were parented.

I understand the everyone would like children to behave nicely when going out. It's a great thing to work toward. But get real... Little kids are little kids. And a two year old? A BABY? Come on! Do any of the snarky, self righteous posters on here remember anything from their own childhoods? I sure do... I can remember plenty of occasions where I felt hurt or frightened because my parents or someone else felt compelled to 'make me behave myself'. How many times have any of you, as adults, tried to express your needs or feelings and been made to feel crappy for doing so? Or did your parents just do a really great job "teaching" you not to do that?

I'm sorry your mother let you down when you needed her, OP. My mom(also my step-dad) do a really crappy job of understanding that little kids need to be little kids and not everything goes as planned. My mom had seven kids. She uses that totally ineffective and unbelievable cop out... "I had seven kids and I'm tired of the whole mess." No excuse to not remember what small children are like.

I'd like to thank all the mamas who have posted supportive and understanding comments. I've clapped my hands a few times. We all play a part in creating the future, especially in the way we raise our children. Do we want to create a world of polished, push button mannequins that know how to run and hide when their programming fails? Or do we want a world of fearless, compassionate people that know when and how to stand their ground, and when and how to help others? When my son and daughter are adults, and eating out someplace and see some grouchy kid throw their cup on the floor, I hope they'll be the kind of people who run over and pick up the cup and offer the kid a piece of bread out of their own basket.

I think many of us sit on both sides we she that Grandma was wrong but also mom. We can sympathize with Grandma and mom. Two wrongs do not make a right.

Hind site is wonderful! You can learn from them.

Her screaming child was not just embarrassing mother but disturbing other people. How respectful was mom being to her upset toddler by strapping him in the high chair and allowing him to scream instead of cuddling or engaging him? How respectful was mom to the child when she put her desire to eat out over her child's need to eat sooner? You can do both! A small container of cereal, piece of cheese, or fruit could have prevented the whole mess. How respectful was the mom to the waitress with her child throwing the drink down? The last time I went out to eat it took 30 minutes to get food, that is a long time for a toddler and not respectful to him. OP actually ignored her child's needs, in this situation.

Sometimes we need good friends to politely say "Sweety, your mom is a nut but I would have been embarrassed to. I manage to handle these situations by ---."

Yes, I can see that her mom was over harsh and wrong but I can also see (and feel) OP didn't have the best parenting moment either. ***we all have them

Nobody has said children should not be heard, we said screaming obviously upset hungry children need to be taken care of, not ignored, and sometimes that means leaving.

OP, I do hope you understand we all have moments. I have left restaurant with my kids. I have not gone out. I know you want us to support you. I understand your mom said something hurtful and I want to hug that hurt away. Yet, at the same time I want to support you to seeing that you options and the situation wasn't completely about you and your mom but you and every one else.

[babygirlie]

I bet both are having 20/20 hindsight and the horrible remark is eating away at grandma even if she doesn't say so. Nasty WAS way over the line.

Yes, If I look like a rainbow colored hairball a clown just coughed up I expect my FRIENDS to tell me so, so I don't make a bigger *** of myself than I already do. :P No hippy, let's all hold hands and sing perfect poetry to each other and dance around the truth for me

I have no idea was a cracker barrel is btw. From reading I guess it's a kid's place so maybe they are use to kids yelling Idk.

And don't ever offer my kid food from your table and certainly not gluten without asking. That would irk me something beyond reason.

When I was little I never yelled or threw a tantrum in a store or restaurant (since someone asked). We also didn't eat out as much as people do now. I also don't think it was due to good training from my mom. It was just MY personal personality of being shy and quiet. Some kids have different personalities is all.