4yo nasty to mom when visiting grandma

[SweetPotato]

For the first two years of my dd's life, we lived in the same town as my parents, and enjoyed spending lots of time together. We moved out of state over two years ago, and I really look forward to coming home to visit. Unfortunately, it often ends up being really stressful and sometimes unpleasant because my dd seems to have a hard time "liking" everybody at once. We're visiting right now, haven't seen my folks since Christmas time, and my dd has been really nasty with me-- lots more "I hate you", sticking her tongue out, even hitting at me- than I'm used to. I don't want to cut our trip short, knowing that we won't be back for quite awhile, but I am really just angry and frustrated and hurt (perhaps I should be more zen about it, but everybody has a limit, and mine has been crossed). This happens whenever we visit. At home it's just the two of us a lot (dh works a lot and I SAH), and then we come here and dd LOVES my parents (who let her do anything she wants). It's just tough. Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? Dd and I have had several talks about it, but I'd love other ideas on how to make it easier for us all to be happy together.

[ssh]

Is your DD in preschool? Or are their other people in your life at home that she's close to? Maybe she feels she can only have one or two favorite people or maybe she blames you that you live so far away from your parents. You said they let your DD do anything she wants. Are you having to be the only person setting any limits? If your parents and you could agree on some ground rules and everyone enforce them maybe that would help.

Not taking it personally when your preschooler is rude will help alot. My 4.5 year old often prefers one or the other of DH and I and she absolutely adored her preschool teacher. So if I hear "No! I'm talking to daddy" I don't become offended. Her manners just aren't in place yet when she's emotional. We talk about it when she's calm.

[lilyka]

Are you less focused on her when you are with your parents? I would be. Maybe she is irritated that she is less the center of your universe right now. Add that to your mom letting her get away with stuff.

Would your mom be willing to help you discipline? Be consistent with consequences without being all sorry and giving your dd pity.

If I were in your shoes I would discipline my child when she acted rudely to me same as I would any other time in our lives. (in this case sent to her room or time out) If I was being pushed past my limit I would ask dh or a friend to watch her so my mom and I could out to a nice lunch sans dd. If she can't be nice to me and grandma, than she will not be with me and grandma. She does not get one or the other but a package deal.

I am sorry this is frustrating your vacation. Definitely don't take it personally. Try to let it roll off you while still be consistent with teaching manners and discipline but don't let the extra work ruin your good time.

[AbbieB]

I have BTDT with my spirited DD.

I would guess that your DD is acting out to you because she is feeling overwhelmed by her big emotions surrounding her visit with her Grandparents. You are a safe person to act out with so you get the full force of her behavior. It's not fun or logical, but it's what happens.

What helped for my DD was lots of talking about it, not while she was in the middle of it, but before and after. We would talk about how exciting is is to see Grandma, how much she misses her, how hard it is to share a favorite person's attention, that she can be excited and focused on grandma and it does not mean that she loves me less, and the same goes for loving me and it does not take away from her love for grandma, etc... leading up to the visit. I would give her the words she was not yet able to find on her own to express the HUGE overwhelming emotions she was feeling. I gave her phrases to use with me to let me know she was starting to feel overwhelmed.

We also set it up so that when my parents visit here, she gets to go over to their hotel for a sleep over, which end up being evening time and morning time one on one.

We did a lot of talking about rules, and remembering that when we get together at out house there are one set of rules and when we get together at their house there are another (my parents are a little stricter in some areas, mostly about bouncy, roughhousing, loud behavior, and a lot looser in other areas). When I am present I am the limit setter and when I m not Grandma is. (My mom and i also talked about this without DD so we were on the same page.) And finally I talked about how I felt when she got nasty, and what I expected from her. I set firm limits and if she crossed them there were consequences.

I think it important to head off emotional melt downs and the nasty behavior by acting before it gets to the point that someone has been pushed to there limits or overwhelmed. When I see DD heading for trouble I know it is time to take a break, eat, drink, get some quiet time, whatever. It is much easier to met the need before the nastiness starts than to deal once I start to loose it.

[4evermom]

I'd guess she's acting out because she wants more attention from grandparents and you are detracting from that by your presence... Can one grandparent do something with her while you visit with the other one?