How do you teach your kids how to protect themselves when you aren't with them?

[ThisCat]

So far, my four year old daughter (five this fall) has never been in the care of anyone but me, her dad, or my mom. But we just recently decided to send her to half day preschool starting this fall. Also, she's getting to the age where I think she'll probably be spending time at some of her friend's houses without me.

While these are all places I feel she will be safe, I think maybe I should have a conversation with her about how to deal with...I don't know exactly....inapproriate touch?, private areas?, strangers? But I don't want to put ideas in her head or scare her. But I want her to be able to protect herself when I'm not around and know that she can come to me or her dad and tell us anything.

So what should I say? How did you deal with these issues with your children? What did you tell them? How old were they? How did they react?Any insight or suggestions welcome.

And BTW, yes, I've heard of Protecting the Gift, and even checked it out of the library awhile back before I decided about preschool. But after reading a couple of sections, I felt anxious and scared rather than empowered, so I returned it without reading more. Feel free to tell me why I should finish it though.

[One_Girl]

We used library books to address appropriate and inappropriate touch, private body parts, and strangers. The Bernstain Bears has a great book about strangers and the children's librarians were awesome about recomending good books on other subjects. We read a lot so I use fiction and non-fiction books to address many issues. Her preschool also did a curricullum around safe touches and stranger danger and that helped reinforce things.

[hermionesmum]

I wouldn't leave my kids at a home where I didn't know the adults and felt confident they would be fine.
We've had conversations about being able to play outside within certain limits, never going in anyone's house without telling me, not accepting food or getting into cars etc. "because I need to know where you are and that you're okay" without being specific.

I have "over done it" with my eldest. She was allowed to meet friends in her local park until a couple of weeks ago, when another parent informed me that syringes had been found in it. I did talk to her about my concerns, what I'd want her to do if she found one, or to come home if she saw anyone behaving strangely. It really scared her and she's made a choice not to go to the park without an adult of her own accord.

[Tigerchild]

We talked about private touches early on, how even if it feels good it's not okay between an adult and child and they should always tell, they'll never get into trouble. I think it's easier to talk about it as early as possible, and just expand or answer questions as it's appropriate. Even when they were preschoolers I let them practice talking to police officers or to get change from a clerk, so that they would know how to approach adults other than myself for assistance.

I am careful about where and with whom I leave my children BUT realistically, most sexual abusers are *never* caught and many many many can pose just fine as respectable and trusted folks. So screening is simply not enough. The kids need to know that it's never appropriate for an adult to touch a child's genitals except for a doctor exam or toileting help, and never EVER appropriate for an adult to ask a child to touch the adult's genitals--and that no matter what anyone else says, they'll never get into trouble by telling you if it happens or if it happens to someone else.

I also think particularly when the child is school age 4ish on upwards, they should have at least their home phone or parent's cell phone (whichever one is the most likely to have an answer) memorized.

[EdnaMarie]

My oldest is three.

Luckily this came up when she kept patting my butt! I had the chance to explain that the parts of our body that are covered by our underwear and undershirt are OURS, and nobody can touch them without our permission, with the exception of if mom is there and we are at the doctor and feeling sick, but even then, the doctor will ask mom or dad and you. Because those are the parts closest to our heart. And nobody who wants to touch them is a nice person, even if it's mom, dad, or a brother or sister.

So please STOP PATTING MY BUTT. It is MINE. And I'm not going to be around you if you do touch it. Hopefully that was good modeling as it happened a couple of times. I'm not sure that can be used by other families whose kids do not initiate butt-patting, though. (I think she was patting it because it's at eye-level, LOL!)

Stranger danger is tougher, because I want her to believe in the goodness of most people, but I also want her to know that one rotten apple spoils the crate, so to speak. We haven't fully addressed it which is why I'm subscribing here.

[Learning_Mum]

I've told DS1 about private parts and how he doesn't touch other peoples and other people don't touch his and that we keep our private parts covered when we're out in public.

I've also told him that he is never to get in a car with anyone he doesn't know or go with anyone he doesn't know unless I've said it's OK. That if anyone was to ever try and make him go with them that he needed to kick, scream, hit, punch, bite and whatever else he could do. We've also covered the if he gets lost while we're out he's to stay still and I will find him (just like if you get lost in the bush!) and that if he needs help he should ask another Mum that has kids with her.

We've also discussed how most people are nice and good but some people are not so that is why he needs to be careful and not run off or go with anyone.

All this happened over time though, it wasn't one conversation.

[JamieCatheryn]

Here's one of the good parts out of that book, things a child should know when they'll be away from you.

The Test of Twelve

1. Does your child know how to honor his feelings? If someone makes him uncomfortable, that's an important signal.
2. Are you as the parent strong enough to hear about any experience your child has had, no matter how unpleasant?
3. Does your child know it's okay to rebuff and defy adults?
4. Does your child know it's okay to be assertive?
5. Does your child know how to ask for assistance or help?
6. Does your child know how to choose who to ask? For example, he should look for a woman to help him.
7. Does your child know how to describe his peril?
8. Does your child know it's okay to strike, even to injure, someone if he believes he is in danger, and that you'll support any action he takes as a result of feeling uncomfortable or afraid?
9. Does your child know it's okay to make noise, to scream, to yell, to run?
10. Does your child know that if someone ever tries to force him to go somewhere, what he screams should include, ''This is not my father''? Onlookers seeing a child scream or even struggle are likely to assume the adult is a parent.
11. Does your child know that if someone says, ''Don't yell,'' the thing to do is yell? The corollary is if someone says, ''Don't tell,'' the thing to do is tell.
12. Does your child know to fully resist ever going anywhere out of public view with someone he doesn't know, and particularly to resist going anywhere with someone who tries to persuade him?

Besides that they ought to know their body is their personal property, what areas are not for others to touch except for with his or her as well as mom or dad's permission (as for washing or treating an injury). Also that no one else should have *her* touch *them* in private areas either. And what the real words are: penis, vulva or vagina etc. So if she did go to tell on somebody she'd be understood clearly.

[cappuccinosmom]

I have been talking to my kids about this for years (they are 7 and under).

They have not freaked out. Honestly, they think it is *awesome* that there is a situation in which they are permitted to scream, fight, even bite if necessary.

I have taught them that private parts are private, and that except for bathing or a doctor checking quickly (with mama in the room with them) there is no reason for anyone to see their private parts and that if anyone asks that is a clue to get help.

I have taught them that if someone (adult or other child) gets pushy with anything that makes them uncomfortable or they know is wrong, they are to yell, run away, or fight if they're being restrained.

I have taught them to never EVER go near or get into a car without my express permission. If someone asks them to come to a car, or get into a car, they are to run the other way calling for me, and tell me about it.

I have taught them that if someone says "Don't tell anyone!" or threatens them if they tell, that is a sure sign that they need to tell us, and we will deal with the person who made the threat.

I know that all sounds overwhelming and scary. Truthfully, though, it has all fit very organically into conversations, and has not scared the children. I have had a few serious talks (like before we go somewhere that is unfamiliar, or is likely to be very crowded--IOW, somewhere there's a possibility of them getting lost) but mostly we just run through our "Safety Catechism". I ask them a "What should you do if..." question, and they cheerfully call out the answer.

[La Sombra]

Originally Posted by JamieCatheryn

Here's one of the good parts out of that book, things a child should know when they'll be away from you.



Besides that they ought to know their body is their personal property, what areas are not for others to touch except for with his or her as well as mom or dad's permission (as for washing or treating an injury). Also that no one else should have *her* touch *them* in private areas either. And what the real words are: penis, vulva or vagina etc. So if she did go to tell on somebody she'd be understood clearly.

I'm reminded of ways to practice this in your every day if such an occasion arises by some examples my big brave wise sister has set: once, a man came to their door who made her uncomfortable (I forget the circumstances right now--pregnancy brain!--but I think he was being really persistent about trying to sell her something or something like that) and she closed the door on his face and told her dd, who witnessed the whole thing, "When someone makes you uncomfortable, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE NICE TO THEM." She said the same thing another time when this drunk guy was hovering around her car when she pulled into a parking space and then fell down next to it. She immediately put the car in reverse and said to her dd, "See that guy? He makes me uncomfortable. I don't have to be nice to him, so we are just going to move and not interact with him."

I thought these were awesome, awesome ways to use real-life situations to be strong and set an example and teach the lessons that need to be taught in a real way. It definitely does require that we ourselves be strong and listen to our guts--maybe that is one reason I could suggest to you to continue with the book? To learn to be aware of the ways in which you yourself might not always listen to your gut and might be unintentionally setting the wrong examples for your children (I'm not saying you are, I'm just saying we want our kids to be strong and assertive and to recognize when something bad is going on when we ourselves don't always do that.)

Great question, I think--something we all worry about and should think about!

[VillageMom6]

Originally Posted by ThisCat

But I want her to be able to protect herself when I'm not around...

I don't believe that a child can protect herself when confronted by a sick/evil adult who intends to do great harm. All of the good touch/bad touch/stranger danger training in the world is not going to help them when a much bigger, stronger, malevolent older person is determined.

My fear is that in teaching our children these things we give ourselves a false reassurance that young Susie or Jimmy will be safer. Then we may let our guard down a bit.

And what if that training "fails" and the child is harmed despite her best efforts to shout, run away, etc...? The child may feel like she is to blame because she wasn't able to stop it. Maybe she just froze up.

Around adolescence we start talking about being cautious and various risks and how to defend one's self. But in the younger childhood years we go against conventional wisdom and avoid talking about any of that.

I don't want to frighten a child when I'm convinced that in the end, it wouldn't help anyway. Instead it is my responsibility to supervise my children all of the time, unless he or she is with one of the very few adults we know well enough truly to trust.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

We talked about private touches early on, how even if it feels good it's not okay between an adult and child and they should always tell, they'll never get into trouble. I think it's easier to talk about it as early as possible, and just expand or answer questions as it's appropriate. Even when they were preschoolers I let them practice talking to police officers or to get change from a clerk, so that they would know how to approach adults other than myself for assistance.

I am careful about where and with whom I leave my children BUT realistically, most sexual abusers are *never* caught and many many many can pose just fine as respectable and trusted folks. So screening is simply not enough. The kids need to know that it's never appropriate for an adult to touch a child's genitals except for a doctor exam or toileting help, and never EVER appropriate for an adult to ask a child to touch the adult's genitals--and that no matter what anyone else says, they'll never get into trouble by telling you if it happens or if it happens to someone else.

I also think particularly when the child is school age 4ish on upwards, they should have at least their home phone or parent's cell phone (whichever one is the most likely to have an answer) memorized.

This is very similar to our approach. There are only a few homes where I let DC go without someone there. I wouldn't just let them go home with a random friend without knowing the parents & feeling comfortable. Conversations about these things started really, really early in our house. I also am not vague in terms. "Here is what is *not* okay." I think terms like "feels odd" or "uncomfortable" aren't useful. "Don't let someone touch your penis/vulva." "If someone is trying to lure you away from everyone else, do not go."

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by VillageMom6

I don't believe that a child can protect herself when confronted by a sick/evil adult who intends to do great harm. All of the good touch/bad touch/stranger danger training in the world is not going to help them when a much bigger, stronger, malevolent older person is determined.

Most sex abusers of small children are not violent. They are kind - loving, even - until they gain a child's trust. Yes, I think some things (like the "stranger danger" education) can give a false sense of security, but I also believe that we can prepare our children in case someone who is a sexual predator does show an interest in them. Also, even if your child is molested, talking frankly about it will help them know to come to you, despite what they're told by the molester. By not discussing sex abuse openly, it continues as a closeted act that gives the abuser more power.

[EdnaMarie]

Originally Posted by VillageMom6

I don't believe that a child can protect herself when confronted by a sick/evil adult who intends to do great harm. .

You're wrong. I know two kids who saved their own innocence and/or lives by screaming and running in public places.

Is it failproof? No way. But you CAN make a difference.

[A&A]

Protecting the Gift tells you that "sensing" when someone is a threat to your children is an instinct. It allows for survival of the species; it's evolutionary. So PAY ATTENTION to that little voice that tells you who you shouldn't leave your kids with, even if (and especially if) other people are telling you you're crazy, etc. Listen to your gut, not your head.

[meemee]

a few things.

- i have never ever done the stranger danger talk. i dont believe in it.

- no one, no one touches her body - ANYWHERE without her permission. no one. not even daddy or mommy.

- ALWAYS encouraged her intuition - from infancy (she used to lunge out at certain people, and cringe at others). if she didnt want to go to someone or say hi i respected that. we are a team. we use both our senses to figure out the person (not necessarily evil, but it also makes a difference as a caregiver if your personalities are different and you dont understand the child).