Practical tips for a tantrum-prone 13-month-old

[Dealea86]

My precious dd has been having major tantrums at least since she was 8 months old.

She currently has a vocabulary of over 50 words (signs + spoken words), so I don't think it's entirely because she can't communicate what she wants. Yes, she gets frustrated when I can't understand her, but most of her tantrums are when she wants to do something she lacks the skills to do (like picking up a book that's too heavy for her, or putting on a shoe), from transitions (like when my mom has to leave, or when I have to start making dinner), or when we have to do something that she doesn't want to do (change her diaper, get in the car seat, sleep, etc).

This past week it has been especially awful. Last Saturday was pretty much one long tantrum, and so was this past Friday. Last night we had a major tantrum over going to bed. We co-sleep and our mattress was on the floor, so it wasn't like we were making her go to bed. She simply didn't like the fact that we turned out the lights and were going to bed ourselves. The tantrum quickly spiraled out of control. Any attempts DH and I made to calm her were met with insistent arms pushing a soothing hand out of the way, legs kicking to get out of our calm hug, etc. For 20 minutes. In other words, she was Out. Of. Control.

Here are the techniques we use to deal with tantrums:

1) Try to get her to verbalize the problem. "Pearl, calm down and tell me what's wrong. Do you want ______?"

2) Ignore the bad behavior. This does not work. If I leave the room while she's in the middle of a tantrum, she simply continues it and/or follows me. And if I sit calmly next to her doing whatever I was doing before, that seems to infuriate her even more.

3) Love up on her and give her plenty of attention when she's being good.

4) Avoid the triggers. This is easier said than done! How, for example, do you anticipate that she's going to want to pick up DH's 20-lb weights and will throw a fit because she's not strong enough to do it?

5) Warn her. If given a chance, Pearl would have us read to her all day long. That is not possible - I have to, at some point, eat lunch, run errands, change her diaper, and keep the house from descending into utter chaos. So I try to warn her: "Pearl, this is the last time I can read this book. We need to eat lunch. Do you understand? After we read this book again, we're all done with reading and we're going to eat lunch." It doesn't really work.

So, I guess, I'm looking for practical suggestions to help us work through the tantrums. Most resources I've seen deal with toddlers who are 18 months+. I don't really know if those suggestions are appropriate for a 13-month-old.

Thank you very much for reading, and also for your help.

[Violet2]

1. Name her emotions. You want to lift the weight, it's too heavy and you're mad. Someday you will be big enough to lift that, but today let's lift this toy instead.

2.Offer a new activity that is attractive. Hey, let's go get a banana or whatever.

3.Start doing something interesting yourself that will capture her interest.

4.Plan for transitions. Have a snack or favorite book in the car. Do you want juice? Yes, great! Say goodbye to grandma and let's go get your juice in the car.

V

[Tjej]

Yeah, saying what my toddler is feeling back at them helps to diffuse the situation.

Some kids are feisty - my DS really is, DD not as much. But both of them had the word "frustrated" in their working vocabulary very early on. I'd label it lots!

Try not to feel bad about your child being upset - sort of step outside of their feelings and try to understand that they are just learning how to manage frustration and big feelings, and it takes practice. I know that when I am able to not take their crying as personally (when I can just see it as a venting for them) it is easier for me to help them through it instead of feeling bad about it myself.

Tjej

[Dandelionkid]

When my tantrum-prone dd (19 months) starts going crazy all we can do sometimes is give her time. It often helps if I match her emotion "You are so angry!!!" Said in an agitated super loud voice.

[mamazee]

With 50 words, she isnt' going to be able to communicate as well as she probably would like. So frustration about communication is part of the problem. As is difficulty with dealing with big emotions, and a lack of understanding that some things can't happen no matter how much we want them to. (Once my oldest had a tantrum because it was still dark outside.) Also, they aren't born understanding that love is unconditional, and she will learn this through tantrums. (It's scary for them because they aren't feeling love when they're feeling anger and that makes them question whether the love is still there.) Once she learns those things, which won't be for a long time, the tantrums will start to fade away. You're only at the beginning of the tantrum journey, but you can help her progress through this stage by giving her words for her emotions, and empathizing with her (I wish X too.), and continuing to express love during and immediately after the tantrum.