harrassment from DD's dads fam

[victoriasmommy86]

yes ex 3 year old dd's bio dad has been back in her life for 1 year.
1 hour twice a week at the playground was ordered til she was comfortable with him. she's not. she really doesn't like men. she's getting used to him but would ball her eyes out if I left her alone with him.

I would like to go to his home or my home and let him spend more time with her.... as much as he likes basically. but I want a promise... that his abusive family will not be allowed in his house when DD is there. Ex refuses, saying they have a "right" to know here.

this makes me sound a little mean, but it is not because I "dont like" them. its because DD is terrified of them, her only interaction with them when they are screaming obscenities at her/me.

for 3 years they have questioned her parentage. even tho there was a paternity test. if his sister or brother passes DD and I on the street they will yell names at me. If they pass me on foot they will also mutter bad names..."someone" spray painted FU outside my home. Thank God DD can't read yet. They post nasty things on the inet about me.

DD says "mom why do those ppl always yell at us" and will run as fast as she can if she sees their vehicle.

Lastly, exes sister veered into us and DF has to literally swerve off the road to avoid her running into us with DD in the vehicle!!!!
I was quite upset, and DF too,
I immediately texted ex and he said "sorry ill ask her about it"
but she has 2 giggling girls with her who would swear it was untrue of course.

Ive posted here before... but from the point of verbal abuse which we have endured for years...to the point of actual physical harm coming to my DD. I pretty have a hard time saying hello to ex at this point.

As mother, with full custody, do I have ANY say in who is allowed around DD... if they have been harrassing us... and ex admits they have, but hopes they will stop if they could just meet DD up close.

[lach]

They went after you with a CAR?

This is totally restraining order stuff. You need to contact the local police ASAP. Take pictures of any physical evidence you have, screenshots if they have sent you any emails or done anything online. And start writing down specific incidents as they happen.

This isn't just them not liking you. This is them physically trying to intimidate and hurt you.

[victoriasmommy86]

like I thought that when it happened!

DF was like who was that, what the heck, he only saw the girl in the passenger seat and didnt recognize the vehicle.
but she had 2 giggling girls with her who will say it didn't happen.

my attorney had said, when it was only verbal, not to call the police cause it would look like I was causing trouble and just to make sure the social worker noted it all down. everyone keeps telling me to make document it all, but everytime I call ex and says "i was just cussed at" he asks them did they do it, and then they call me a liar and yell more.

just upsetting that ex says she was probably just kidding around.... and I was crying at him, I don't think you understand, I am talking about inches, I literally braced for the impact and turned to grab sleeping DD. Like if she was drunk or it was a joke, I don't care, the result would most surely have been a crash if DF had not run off the road.

I feel like its hurting me and ex getting along, but I really can't hold a civil convo with him when he excuses their behavior.

[kblackstone444]

First thing, you need a restraining order against the entire family, for you and your daughter. Document what happens, leave a paper trail. I don't know how long ago the car incident happened, but I hope you reported it to the police- that's assault and endangerment of a child.

[Smithie]

If the custody order allows it, I'd move. Seriously.

If that's not possible, you might find that you can keep things on an even keel with ex, and improve the bond between him and his daughter, by stepping up efforts to have him over to your house. That's your turf, you're safe there, you dd might feel safer there and warm up a bit more - and you control who is in attendance. If you want him to be OK with visitation in your home, then you and DF need to genuinely welcome him into your lives - like, have BBQs and other friendly gatherings that he's invited to, have a standing weekend appointment to hang out, have him over for dinner once a week, have him over Christmas morning to watch dd open presents, etc. He might decide that he is content with that arrangement.

I would be very worried about bringing dd to a public park where any of the crazy relatives might show up and your ex might physically prevent you from taking dd and fleeing.

Meanwhile, you're pursuing the restraining order, going back to mediation or whatever to discuss the issue, and basically making a huge deal to any of the powers that be who will listen to you about the threat. Get it documented thoroughly. That might be very important later.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by victoriasmommy86

As mother, with full custody, do I have ANY say in who is allowed around DD?

Not unless you get a protective order against all of them, that includes your daughter OR your ex continues to be restricted to supervised visitation (or however your current situation is worded). If he gets regular visitation, his time with your child will be considered his time. If you then try to control who he and your daughter see, where they go or what they do, you will wind up looking like the problem, when it appears that, in reality, his relatives are.

I don't know what the requirements for getting a protective order are, where you live. Here, criminal courts are so overbooked with them that you may only request one against someone you've slept with! Even if you are not encumbered by such restrictions, you'd have to get as many orders as there are "problem people" in his family - AND convince the court to include your daughter as a protected party. I'm not saying don't try it, but it would be difficult. Besides, it sounds like there's very little you could prove. You can't prove they spray-painted your house. There's no police report about them swerving to hit you. Your accusations and their defenses might sound very cat-fight-ish to a judge, who might conclude you guys are just feuding, everyone equally at fault.

The more practical thing is to fight to continue this arrangement where your ex's time with your daughter is not entirely his own... until he is willing to acknowledge the seriousness of the problem with his relatives and the need to shield your daughter from their atrocious behavior.

His relatives are entitled to whatever hateful thoughts about you that they wish. They may say nasty things about you to each other and even online. (Although it doesn't say much for them.) But ANYthing they do, to show hostility toward you in the presence of your daughter is hostile to HER. Regardless what they think of you - and how justified they feel in thinking it - your daughter needs a close and loving relationship with you. Anyone who would undermine that shows they don't care about HER needs and feelings. This is absolutely NOT a situation where they need a chance to spend time around her, in order to adjust their attitudes. One needn't know a child well, to know her relationship with her mother is important to her well-being! Your ex is taking the path of least resistance, making excuses for them, rather than telling them what he should: "Your rotten behavior has put me in a position where I can't spend time alone with my kid unless I agree to keep you away, so I agreed! Change and THEN we'll talk about letting you around her. My daughter doesn't need to be exposed to your hateful garbage!"

So, if he petitions for regular visitation, tell the court your daughter still is not comfortable around him and a large part of that is his relatives' outlandish behavior - and he has promised to give them access to her, if he gets unsupervised visits. If the court is unreceptive, request a custodial evaluation or a guardian ad litem, who may have more time to listen to the details.

[victoriasmommy86]

Jeanine your last 2 paragaphs were what I wish I could have articulate to him.
We have been in counselling for 10 weeks... 1 1/2 hours each week, and its like he can't grasp that POV... its all "i want them to know her"

My attorney was out of town, the social worker said if I felt threatened that I should report it so I did. The officer was really nice (I was very nervous) and when he asked what and I said "someone tried to run into me" and he said "do you know this person" and i said "yes" it hit home to me and I got alittle tearful.
He said he would go pay her a visit and I said please don't yet, I want to ask my attorney.... and I know that she would be even nastier to me if he talked to her.
The officer said he would file it and gave me his #'s and I gave him mine and he said he will check up on me later.
But I do feel better