Considering a Family, Feeling Confused..

[eatnobeef]

Hello everyone,

I am extremely new to this forum, so hello and forgive me if I am posting in the wrong place!

I am turning to y'all because it is late, I'm awake and my head is reeling. I could use some support and perspective :-) My boyfriend and I just finished the evening on a very unsettling note, for both of us. We've been together 2 years and have a very loving and healthy relationship. I have no problem envisioning myself with him for the rest of my life. I am 34 and so is he, to give some perspective on our ages. Neither one of us has been married or has any children. I have a solid career and an advanced degree, he is a struggling musician who is just now finding the courage to put himself out there and stop compromising on his dream of earning his living making rock and roll music. Right now he makes about half the money I make, and I make barely enough to not struggle day-to-day in the expensive city we both reside in. (He has a low-paying 9-5 job--he doesn't presently earn any money making his music). We do not live together, and I have to admit that he presents with some resistance to making the move to live together (he makes the excuse that he does not make as much as I do, the timing is wrong, he is broke, etc.).

Needless to say, I've been wrestling with the motherhood question for about 5 years now and a few months ago decided that I am, yes, indeed sure that I want to procreate, and soon. I've quite smoking and discontinues birth control in preparation for this. This news initially shook my free-spirited, loving boyfriend. We've had several discussions about the possibilities of procreating together. At first he didn't say much, then he said he wants to 'be a father', and then tonight we had this big blown up, long winded discussion about the fact that he is a musician with a band that may or may not go on tour in the next year or two, or three, or five, and in order for us to procreate I would have to be OK with being left alone with a very young baby/child for long stretches of time while he tours. He also expressed that he wants to be a father and feels he'll be ready by his 'early forties' after the rock and roll bug is out of his system (but will it ever?) and that he loves me so much and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he wants to have a baby with me b/c that is what I want right now--it is just that our time frames for achieving what is pressing in our individual lives is conflicting right now...Oh gosh, what to do with all that...?

UM--What? I am feeling confused, yet love this man with all my heart. He is really wonderful and supportive, yet being such a stickler about the possibility of 'touring' with a rock band that has played only a handful of local shows in the last 2 years. I am thinking his dreams of rock and roll fame are total coco puffs, but he can tell I am going through the motions with supporting is unrealistic dreams--and this really bothers him. His band is good, and he is a brilliant musician, but come on! He is aging and balding and I don't know if the young kids these days are going to spend all their money to go see his band. Harsh, yet realistic.

My question is this: is there anyone out there creating a family with another who frequently travels or even better, is a musician who is required to leave often? I feel terrified of being left for long stretches of time with a young one newly hatched. I am sure this man I am speaking of will be sticking around--I just wonder if it is reasonable to make such an agreement--specifically for me to be 'flexible' for him to go on 'tour' during a child's young(est) years? I am pretty dang stoked on this guy, he's sweet and most of all the other stuff is awesome between us...there is this issue though. A big issue.

Thanks for your responses!!

[katelove]

Hi and welcome to MDC.

I was going to write a whole post about how it is so much easier to parent a little baby when you have a partner to share it with but really, the thing that stood out most for me in your post is this...

Your boyfriend makes excuses not to move in with you because he's not ready for that level of commitment. It doesn't sound like this is someone you could rely on to be your co-parent even if his music career doesn't take off and see him touring for much of the year.

I'm sorry, that's probably not what you wanted to hear and maybe someone else will have something more useful to say but, for me, that's the main thing which stood out from your post.

I wish you all the best
Kate

[NiteNicole]

Your boyfriend makes excuses not to move in with you because he's not ready for that level of commitment. It doesn't sound like this is someone you could rely on to be your co-parent even if his music career doesn't take off and see him touring for much of the year.

I agree.

If he were ready to be a parent and partner, he would move the world to make it happen, not offer up excuses. He would find a way to be a musician and a father. People do. He doesn't want to and you can't make him want what you want.

[maddymama]

Hi Eatnobeef,
Ok.... It sounds like he is a wonderful boyfriend..... but not ready to be a full-time father with all the time commitment that involves. If you are ready to be a full-time parent, with no help from him, then I say go for it.
Many moms parent by themselves when their spouses go overseas for duty, on tour for music, away for business, etc. It's hard, but doable.
I guess what I'm working my way to saying is this: You can't expect him to change once a baby is here. He's telling you that his music will come first. If you have a baby, then expect him to be a fairly absent parent. If you can accept that, then have a baby with him. If you can't then move on to find a partner who will be there to help share the burden. You can't expect him to change when he's told you he won't.
~maddymama

[AllisonR]

First, I agree with the other posters. He is not ready to be a father yet. Maybe next year, maybe in 10 years, and honestly maybe never. Now, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG with that. Many people do not want to be a parent. Some of these people get thrown into being a parent when a pregnancy happens, and some of these people can become fabulous parents, but just as honestly, many also don't.

On the other hand, while a man can wait, a 35 yo woman can not - at least not for very long. So you have to find out what is best for you. And that might be with, or without this guy, and frankly, with or without his sperm. It might be that this great guy turns out to be nothing more than a sperm donor and you end up with 98% of the responsibility yourself. But then you also get 98% of the love, awe, and joy that can't be known until you've been there.

FWIW, I speak as a fine artist, that has a good paying daytime job, because, as you clearly understand, there is no money for 99.99% of the artist out there - be they painters, sculptors, actors, musicians... arts are a cruel industry, and to be brutally honest, there are a billion talented artists out there - talent is like toilet paper - even really talented is like toilet paper - there is just so much of it, and getting ahead in the industry is not about talent at all - you have to have it, but beyond that it is connections and contacts and luck and continuous effort.... I had to put my art on hold, for YEARS, when DS and then DD were born. And you know what, I have no resentment about it, because the love I have for my children takes over all. It really does. Not sure what my point is here. Maybe that artists MUST make art, it is in their DNA, but being famous and financially stable from it, is a goal worth achieving, but not the most realistic goal in the world and a lot of other things would trump this.

[Smithie]

I wouldn't drag the whole coparenting thing into this relationship.

I would absolutely have a baby if I were 34, financially stable, and wanted a baby.

Keep the boyfriend as long as things are good between you, but find yourself another source of sperm. He doesn't want to be a parent right now, and that's OK. You DO want to be a parent, and that's OK. You are going to have way less disappointment, frustration and resentment in your life if you don't try to turn a reluctant broke musician boyfriend into a coparent. A coparent contributes significant time and money to assist in the raising of a child. You already know that your boyfriend won't be able/willing to provide those things.

[Norasmomma]

He doesn't sound ready. The touring thing is just an excuse, as is not moving in because he doesn't make enough money. Plain and simple he's not ready for that level of commitment.

I had a similar struggle in the fact that I was READY to have a baby, I was 30 and I felt my clock a ticking, plus I had made the choices to make myself a good mom, I had quit smoking, was taking my vitamins, eating healthy, not drinking.....I had been happily(mostly) married to my wonderful DH for 9 years and really wanted that next level....a family, I hadn't been ready until then and then BAM I was ready, like yesterday. We had a rocky month or 2 there, my Dh really didn't believe I was mature enough to go forward, but finally he realized I was serious, and that it was either that or I was probably not going to be there. Now our relationship was very solid, but still the thought of bringing another life into it was a bit daunting. Plus, many guys see having a baby as the end of their youth, so if he's already is struggling with his musical career and the prospect he may very well not make it, that could be a biggie too.

Really though he doesn't sound ready. You do.

[meemee]

you just never know how he is going to react once you have your baby.

he might freak out and say bye bye, or reality might hit and he may love his child and maybe hang his guitar on the wall, roll up his shirt sleeves and become a dad.

are you willing to take that chance?

[GuildJenn]

Are you prepared to be a single mom, is really the question.

Your boyfriend's given you notice that he's not into it. I would take him at his word.

[dakotablue]

Originally Posted by eatnobeef

. We do not live together, and I have to admit that he presents with some resistance to making the move to live together (he makes the excuse that he does not make as much as I do, the timing is wrong, he is broke, etc.).

Excuses are a red flag. Read what you said here. So resistance of that level of commitment...

Originally Posted by eatnobeef

Needless to say, I've been wrestling with the motherhood question for about 5 years now and a few months ago decided that I am, yes, indeed sure that I want to procreate, and soon. I've quite smoking and discontinues birth control in preparation for this. This news initially shook my free-spirited, loving boyfriend. We've had several discussions about the possibilities of procreating together.

You've been thinking about this for 5 years and he was shocked?

Originally Posted by eatnobeef

At first he didn't say much, then he said he wants to 'be a father', and then tonight we had this big blown up, long winded discussion about the fact that he is a musician with a band that may or may not go on tour in the next year or two, or three, or five, and in order for us to procreate I would have to be OK with being left alone with a very young baby/child for long stretches of time while he tours. He also expressed that he wants to be a father and feels he'll be ready by his 'early forties' after the rock and roll bug is out of his system (but will it ever?) and that he loves me so much and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he wants to have a baby with me b/c that is what I want right now--it is just that our time frames for achieving what is pressing in our individual lives is conflicting right now...Oh gosh, what to do with all that...?

Ok so what I hear is "I know this is what you want to hear, but I have no intention of doing that. I will say Yes, but give you every reason that I actually mean no, but I hope you'll stick around because in another universe I might say yes..." and this echos of the above, "I would move in but...."

Originally Posted by eatnobeef

I am thinking his dreams of rock and roll fame are total coco puffs, but he can tell I am going through the motions with supporting is unrealistic dreams--and this really bothers him. His band is good, and he is a brilliant musician, but come on! He is aging and balding and I don't know if the young kids these days are going to spend all their money to go see his band. Harsh, yet realistic.

Ok so here....well

Originally Posted by eatnobeef

I feel terrified of being left for long stretches of time with a young one newly hatched.

You don't want to be a single parent.


I think from what you have said you know in your heart, he is fun and nice and good in bed, but has no intention of growing up or giving you what you want or need. If he can't be there relationship wise in the 'little' things like cohabitation, how would parenting go? personally, I know its hard, but I wouldn't suggest you stay with this man unless you are willing to stay childless and single. (Or have a child and receive no support)

I know this isn't what you asked. I just hate to see you waste your life.

[spughy]

If he's been a musician that long and hasn't figured out that networking, playing - even for nothing - in front of an audience, and just plain hard, relentless work are a billion times more important than talent, then I don't think he's going to succeed as a musician. The question is, how will that affect him, psychologically? And the corollary, would you want to have that person as a parent? If he's likely to get over it, shrug his shoulders and move on with the next phase of life, then I think he'd end up being an awesome parent. But if he's not ever going to accept that life as a musician is never going to pay the bills or get him noticed, and if that's going to gradually turn him to be more and more bitter, then you probably don't want that "woe is me, life sucks and isn't fair" attitude as a primary one for your child to grow up on. How does he deal with stuff that just falls in his lap, generally? Does he make the most of it, or does he try to wiggle out from underneath? If you gave him a puppy, what would happen to it?

The other thing to consider is what kind of parent YOU want to be. Do you want to be able to stay at home with your child? If so, sadly you need to either take a drastic cut in your standard of living or have a partner who can support you. While there are the occasional mamas who manage to work from home AND be there for their kids full-time, they are few and far between, and most of them don't enjoy it very much.

[staceychev]

ITA with everything that's been said here.

My story:

DH is a musician, and trained as an audio engineer. When I was first pregnant 5+ years ago, he came to me and said: "Look, I've never done a tour. It's something I've always wanted to do... I want to 'get it out of my system' before the baby comes. It'll be 2 weeks, I'll take saved up vacation time. Are you OK with that?" I was, he did, and now he's never gone for more than back to back nights.

DH is still with the same band (9 years and counting). They have two albums and a small but loyal following in the northeast. They're down to about 10-12 gigs a year at this point. The only money he has ever made has covered gas, tolls, and beer, and, if he's lucky, new bass strings. He has never, and will never, make a living as a musician. He loves playing music, but he loves being a dad more, and he's found work that he enjoys so that we can do things like have a house and take our five-year old to Disney.

He's lucky that he comes from a family of musicians and has seen how it can work out:
* mom: retired elementary music teacher, stable, happy
* dad: retired history teacher, plays bluegrass and teaches banjo on the side, stable, happy
* uncle: professional drummer in nyc, seems happy, happily married, has one adult child, seems to cobble together a living with sub gigs, the occasional stint on a cruise ship, proofreading jobs and by selling his cello to send his son to college
* cousin: married to a masseuse, want kids, can't see a way to make it work, no health insurance

[queenjane]

I'm a single parent. I dont mind being single. It would be nice to have a partner bringing in income but beyond that its fine.

However, you seem to NOT want to be a single parent. My suggestion to you is to break up with your boyfriend and find a man who shares your goals in life.

If you decide you DO want to be a single parent, it might be easier on you emotionally to truly be one...that is, buy sperm from a donor, inseminate, and do it all on your own. That way the boundaries are clear.

From experience, its really not that fun parenting with a man who won't "grow up" and who really didnt want what you wanted, and was just going along to placate you. I think you need to think of the worst case scenario (he goes on tour, leaving you to raise the child, he never quits the band, he doesnt contribute etc) and decide if you are ok with it. Dont get pg in the hopes "he'll change"...its really not fair to anyone involved.

[rhiOrion]

In my case my DH was committed enough that we were married, and obviously lived together.

But we went through a period in the months before we conceived where I spent a lot of time talking about having kids, and he kept saying "in 50 years" as a joke. But it was a persistent joke that he wouldn't back down from. It was driving me crazy.

He mentioned many times about how he had to be a rock star first. Unlike your partner, my DH wasn't even in a band anymore.

Basically it boiled down to the fact that I'm sure he kept a dream of being a rock star tucked away in the back of his head, and the idea of having a kid, to him, meant he had to just give that dream up completely. He thought he would never have any fun again ever.

But now he loooves his daughter. He's playing music once a week with some friends, they may start doing open mics soon. Basically he's playing more music than he was for several years before we had a baby.

I don't think that being a musician and being a parent are mutually exclusive. I think it's fair that you ask him to commit to a time frame around the birth where he WON'T go on your. But that otherwise you understand that he may be away sometimes.

I think that if you can compromise with him in relation to his fears, that you might find he is gung-ho. Or, you might find that he'd still making excuses. If that's the case, then it might be that he's really and truly not ready.

[Belia]

Welcome to MDC!

I agree with many of the PPs that your boyfriend probably does not sound ready.

But I am also quite shocked that so many posters seem to imply that when you're "ready" to be a parent, then you feel READY, no hesitation.

Well, I am not wired that way. I am a thinker, and an obsesser, and a worrier. I am never 100% sure of ANYTHING. Deciding to have a child was no different. I knew my life would change completely, and that was terrifying, yet I was equally scared of not experiencing parenthood. What happened with me was that I gradually became more afraid of one of those scenarios than the other.

In other words, if I had waited until I was 100% sure or 100% ready for parenthood, I would NEVER have had my son. No way, no how. Same with DH. And yet I am a pretty dang good mom, if I do say so myself, and DS and I are lucky to have each other.

I wish you peace, OP. This is tough, tough stuff. You have a lot invested in this relationship and your boyfriend, and it's a lot easier for an anonymous person in cyberspace to say "He's not ready! Leave him! Follow your bliss!" than it is to actually DO it. I would not want to be in your shoes.

It's OK to decide not to decide right now. You have time. Just keep talking.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by eatnobeef

We do not live together, and I have to admit that he presents with some resistance to making the move to live together (he makes the excuse
...
and that he loves me so much and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he wants to have a baby with me b/c that is what I want right now-

I don't buy it. He doesn't even want to live with you.

Having a child is a HUGE deal, far bigger than a realized before I had one. Having one with another person "because that is what they want right now" is just a bad idea.

You go out for pizza when you really aren't in the mood for it because it's want your sweetie wants right now. You don't bring a new human being on to the planet.

you might try counseling, either with him or without him. You sound really stuck, and counseling and help get you unstuck.

[eatnobeef]

Thanks, Everyone

Basically I'm all teary eyed, especially after reading all your thoughtful words and sharing your personal experiences. There is no one way to go about the big, messy business of having a child, and there are no guarantees that even the most committed, loving, stable-appearing partner will always be there (sickness, divorce, and yes, traveling for work or art). I have been trying to parse out his fears vs. his excuses...I guess I've been betting on the fact that his rock and roll dreams are totally unrealistic and will fall through eventually and he'll give up on trying to tour, etc. He knows this and it really hurts his feelings:-( It is my strong feeling that once he sees a child he created he'll melt like never before and won't want to leave, but that is a big ole assumption and scary gamble to make with a child's life/heart/well-being. He and I did talk about a compromise with his hypothetical touring schedule--like he has to be around for the first year of the baby's life--and I can envision that being okay; but that does not answer the question of does he really have the intrinsic desire to have a baby in the first place?

I also have to own my fears regarding my time to meet a partner who wants to have a child with me is running out. I wish I had all the time in the world, but as women, we don't. I know I have been putting pressure on the poor man, but my goodness, how can I not? I love this man so much and I know he loves me, but I think it may be the best if I just let him go for now, which is very sad. I guess if he comes around in the near future and expresses that he's had some time to think about it and is ready to commit in a larger way, then so be it. As is stands right now, I am living with a roommate whom I can't stand and will be moving into a studio or 1 bdrm alone...I wanted to take my BF into consideration when making the decision about moving (remember, he has a lot of excuses about not wanting to live together 'yet'), like should I pay a little more for a bigger place then he can join me when he is ready...but that discussion last night just led me here, to splits ville.

I'm going to keep sleeping on it for the next week and talk it out with friends and family. And you! Sometimes it is most helpful to get totally objective advice/perspectives from strangers in cyberspace--talking to my mother about this doesn't always turn out pretty!! So, thank you again for listening and responding thoughtfully.

[velochic]

I just wanted to welcome you to MCD and say that I think it's wonderful that you are being so thoughtful about this. I agree that the boyfriend doesn't sound like he's ready. But that doesn't have to mean you aren't. I have a good friend that has two children, as a single mother, because she could not wait for life to deal her the perfect man with which to make a family. She was *destined* to be a mother and a wonderful one she is, at that. Thankfully, modern life has given us options that we didn't have in the past. Being a mother doesn't necessarily mean being a wife, too. Good luck!

[choli]

Your boyfriend doesn't want to move in with you and has told you that he is not ready to be a parent. You barely make enough money to get by without struggling in a high COL area, and it doesn't sound like your boyfriend would be able to pay you much child support if you decide to go the single mother route.

If you really want a child NOW as opposed to waiting, do the math very carefully to see if you can pull this off financially with very little help from your boyfriend. If it were me, I'd wait until a child was truly wanted by both parents.

[Norasmomma]

Originally Posted by Belia

Welcome to MDC!

I agree with many of the PPs that your boyfriend probably does not sound ready.

But I am also quite shocked that so many posters seem to imply that when you're "ready" to be a parent, then you feel READY, no hesitation.

Well, I am not wired that way. I am a thinker, and an obsesser, and a worrier. I am never 100% sure of ANYTHING. Deciding to have a child was no different. I knew my life would change completely, and that was terrifying, yet I was equally scared of not experiencing parenthood. What happened with me was that I gradually became more afraid of one of those scenarios than the other.

In other words, if I had waited until I was 100% sure or 100% ready for parenthood, I would NEVER have had my son. No way, no how. Same with DH. And yet I am a pretty dang good mom, if I do say so myself, and DS and I are lucky to have each other.

I wish you peace, OP. This is tough, tough stuff. You have a lot invested in this relationship and your boyfriend, and it's a lot easier for an anonymous person in cyberspace to say "He's not ready! Leave him! Follow your bliss!" than it is to actually DO it. I would not want to be in your shoes.

It's OK to decide not to decide right now. You have time. Just keep talking.

It's also easy to say that you'll never be 100% ready, honestly IDK anyone who was/is 100% about having a baby(even when they say they are), having a child hits you at a very core part of your being that you don't even realize is there.

Now the thing is, will it be the part of your core that is totally overwhelmingly in LOVE with the baby, or is it going to be the WTH?! was I thinking core-I've seen both. Gosh I've even felt both of these emotions in the same moment. Saying you are ready doesn't mean you are 100%, it just means that the outcome is the more preferable, at least IMO.

Truth is the guy doesn't sound ready-to move forward with this relationship. Be it having a baby, or even moving in with the OP. Sure she may have a baby with him and it may be a wonderful moving experience for him, or she could have a baby, they stay together-yet he resents her for making his dreams falter, or he could leave......All of the scenarios are possibilities. My biggest issue about his not being ready is he isn't even ready to move in together, let alone have a kid.