How do you select a guardian?

[germin8]

Hello.

We just had our first baby and are wondering HOW to select a guardian. What sorts of things should we consider about the person/couple we select?

I want the people we select to know/understand our lifestyle and respect it. But, what happens if they do not live this lifestyle but are capable of loving our DD?

We would like to select someone who is of the same faith and strong in their faith. Is it something that should be considered? I'm guessing yes, but still asking here.

If we select someone who is not family, would this be a good idea?
Should we inform our family?

Should the person we select be financially stable?

What about age? Would it be okay to select someone older than us (no more than 10 years older than us)?

[VisionaryMom]

As far as faith goes, I think you have to decide for yourself whether that's a big enough factor to matter. For us, it is a negative indicator. I do not want someone who believes in the faith in which I grew up because I have significant problems with it. Still it wasn't the first criteria we considered.

We asked my SIL (DH's sister) to take our children. We discussed that with my ILs first. DH wanted to ask them because SIL doesn't have kids. He didn't want her to feel obligated to say yes but really not want to do it, so he wanted to get his parents' read on it. They are the only other ones who know, and even if we'd chosen non-family, we would not have told them. I just don't see any reason to tell people who weren't chosen. It just causes hurt feelings & anger for something that probably won't be an issue. If you need to explain, include a letter with your will.

We considered both financial security and responsibility. SIL makes an excellent income, and our life insurance plus other planning will cover college and the costs associated with childcare. I know that some people choose someone who is not good with money and then ask another person to be in charge of the money, but I felt that had the potential to create a difficult power dynamic.

As for being "like us," no one in either family comes close (and actually, we ruled my entire family out immediately). We had to pick the big issues and decide from there. For us, education and self-worth are important. SIL is an aeronautical engineer, and we think she makes a wonderful role model for DD in that regard. She also believes, as we do, that education is vitally important, and we feel that she will prioritize that in making decisions about DC and helping them make their own later.

[dakotablue]

For us sharing our faith is number one in importance. Also, are they capable of loving our children the way we would? Do they love us? We chose three couples for our will incase that the first or second can't take all or my children would be split up (I only have the one yet.) They are our best friends and spouses that share the views we find most important. We would not and have a clause written in that our Parents (neither set) are to raise our children.

It was not a difficult decision for us since we knew the order of importance things were. Also, we know they will be great parents and financially stable as well.

We have not informed our family, we just clearly wrote it in our will and informed our friends. We saw no reason to start a fight with them about something we pray will never happen.

Honestly sharing our lifestyle (AP) is not as important for me as faith and I know they will raise the children up in love. They would be/are Great parents, in a different style.

[philomom]

Faith for us was not a factor. Helping our kids get a college degree and having a houseful of books and a cat was.

Our kid's guardian is not a member of the immediate family. Most of my in-laws are mean as snakes. My parents are young but already have health issues.

My kids will come with enough insurance money that they should not be a burden.

Yes, even though it is potentially hurtful... you must inform your family of your choices in this matter.

[germin8]

Thank you for your advice. This is certainly helpful in making our decision. We want to do the *right* the *right* way (well, we can try).

I like the idea of choosing more than one couple and asking ourselves, "Do they love us?"

Great advice about selecting guardians who would be good role models; I didn't think of that.

Faith is important to us. Our lifestyle reflects it. It's just hard to choose between family we know love our DD yet don't have similar lifestyle/beliefs. In-laws are out of the question; they are either incapable or don't seem to love us or our DD. (They haven't even come to see her!) Our friends or more distant relatives seem like the best choice... but I never thought if we had more than one child they could be split up to opposite ends of the country. I certainly have more thinking to do!

Thank you again for your advice!!!

[Quinalla]

For me, I wanted to pick someone who would raise my daughter as close to the way I would raise her, so if your faith is important in how you would raise her, definitely take that into consideration. I also wanted someone financially stable, but that doesn't mean they have to be wealthy, just able to support a child and themselves. And I think it is obvious, but of course it should be someone who loves her.

And this may be obvious, but make sure you talk to the potential guardian and make sure they are ok with it and then get it in your will. I still need to do the latter.

And once I have more than one child, I want to put them both/all with the same family, so that becomes a much bigger commitment for the family that takes them in.

[texmati]

For me, it wasn't so much about rasing DS the same way, but that he would be loved and well taken care of. Occasional junk food, stricter rules around the house, or even a different faith, I feel would be less important than having a pre-existing bond with DS.

We chose my parents, in there early 50's, and when DS gets older, we'll probably choose someone else. Most likely as he gets older the lifestyle and location will weigh more in our decision.

[EdnaMarie]

For us, the number one thing was family. We wanted people from our own family who would keep up connections with DH's family (in a different country). We have a great family whom we love very much and I truly believe that knowing where you come from is very important and should be maintained whenever possible.

That said, I have a large extended family and so we have several to choose from.

We have life insurance but of course we wanted to choose people that were at the very least capable of managing that. Some people are poor because their parents were poor, circumstance, etc. Others are poor because they don't know how to manage money--we would not want our kids raised by the second type of people if possible.

If your faith is important to you, by all means, take it into consideration! But also know that there are people who would keep a child in the parent's faith by taking them to church, meetings, etc. even if they themselves didn't believe. Who would allow that child to have a religious mentor, etc. (For example I know a couple of people who kept adopted children from Russia in the Orthodox Church.)

Good luck... I know it's so hard to decide!

[Ninetales]

We weighed several things. For us it was important to pick people who practiced the same faith. Even though I know people who would take her to church etc., but it's important to us that her guardians be people who live that faith and model it in everyday life.

Financially repsonsible and stable were also important, as well as age and if in a relationship, that it also be stable and committed in some way. And once we decided we talked it over with them and made sure they would be willing to take on such a commitment.

[phathui5]

We thought about people who Christians (because we are). From there, we thought about married couples with children for whom we had already seen their parenting in action.

The family we chose would love our children, parent them the way we're comfortable with, keep them out of public school and raise them in our faith. Thus, I'm happy with it.

[CatsCradle]

DH and I had several considerations: 1) family stability; 2) commitment to education; and 3) absence of dogma usually associated with faith.

We have a life insurance policy and other assets which will insure that DD will be cared for financially. We chose DH's niece (and her family) because DD is close to her cousins and also because that family seemed to be in the best position to take on an additional child (plus we know that they love DD dearly). Other members of our family would take it upon themselves to "educate" DD on religious issues in a manner in which we disapprove. DH's niece also values learning and encouraging children in reaching their full potential, and that is very, very important to us.

It is always hard to make these kinds of decisions, but I actually sleep better at night knowing that DD will be taken care of in the event that something should happen to us.

[limabean]

Our choice was just a natural fit -- I brought it up to DH and we both said the same name (his middle sister) immediately. She's young, married (to a guy we really like), responsible, matter-of-fact, smart, loving, strong, and positive. Our parents would also be wonderful caretakers, but we wanted to choose someone around our age.

[Girlo]

When we chose our guardians, we considered these things:

- we're older, therefore all our siblings and our parents are also older and out of the running. We wanted someone younger than us. We chose one of Paul's nieces and her DH.
- someone married...and not newlyweds. A stable, loving relationship is a must. Of course, there are no guarantees in life....but you can tell when a couple has a marriage based on mutual respect and admiration.
- someone who wants kids. This eliminated my BFF and her DH. They've made a conscious decision to remain childless. She was pissed, but I also didn't think it would be fair to anyone to ask them to go from 0 to 2 kids overnight when they've structured their whole lives around no kids.
- someone educated, who will place a high value on higher education.
- someone who's easy to get along with and open to having the kids visit with the other side of the family. This sounds kinda weird, but the couple we chose is on Paul's side. So, if someone from my side wants to see the kids, it shouldn't be a big deal for them to make arrangements to do so.
- someone who's financially stable and would not be financially ruined by having 2 more kids overnight. There will be funds available for the kids should something happen to us, but they may or may not cover everything. It would be unreasonable to expect that their guardians won't have to shell out anything for their upbringing.
- someone who actually likes our kids and pays attention to them when we visit them. Again, this seems lame, but if the thought of living with these people makes my child cry.....it's probably not a good idea.
- someone who lives in our general area....not clear across the country. It's important for the kids to stay near their families, esp. when they've been through a trauma.

We made our decision several years ago and we have no regrets. In fact, our guardians had their first child in April and we're super-excited for our girls to be old enough to have tea parties together. It's a HUGE decision and it's great that you're taking the time to make one you're happy with.

[ilovemygirl]

I really thought hard about what my child's day to day life would be like with each person I was considering.
Someone could love you and your child(ren) desperately and have the best of intentions to raise them in your faith and with your ideals but the truth is if their lifestyle is completely opposite to that it's very unlikely they will be able to do that in a real and concrete way every single day for the rest of their lives. I'm sure they would try their best but imo it's just not realistic.
My point without getting too long winded is to look at the whole picture and what life will really be like not just criteria of age and finances.

[anechka]

Originally Posted by germin8

Hello.

We just had our first baby and are wondering HOW to select a guardian. What sorts of things should we consider about the person/couple we select?

I want the people we select to know/understand our lifestyle and respect it. But, what happens if they do not live this lifestyle but are capable of loving our DD?

We would like to select someone who is of the same faith and strong in their faith. Is it something that should be considered? I'm guessing yes, but still asking here.

If we select someone who is not family, would this be a good idea?
Should we inform our family?



Should the person we select be financially stable?

What about age? Would it be okay to select someone older than us (no more than 10 years older than us)?

Excellent thread. I think all those questions you ask should be addressed before you make your choice.
Our dd is 2 and we started thinking of guardiaship. Our problem is different however, we do not have anyone who could become our daughter's guardian. The only people who come in mind are DH parents. They love our daughter although their lifestyle is very different from ours, but they are in the mid 60s and are not in the good health. I was wandering should we just dropped the whole issue and just hope that at least one of us will stick around long enough for a kid to grow up?

[philomom]

Originally Posted by anechka

I was wondering should we just drop the whole issue and just hope that at least one of us will stick around long enough for a kid to grow up?

No, sticking your haed in the sand on this one is a bad idea. Are you and your partner ever going to have a date night or go off alone with the no kids? I bet you would want to someday and if an accident occurred ... you'd want your child to have the best substitute parents you could provide.

[NYCVeg]

One important thing, I think, is to get rid of the idea that there is a "perfect" guardian. No one will parent your child precisely as you would. So for us, we tried to find the best fit possible.

We chose my SIL as dd's guardian, for a number of reasons (in no particular order):
1) Family stability: she and her dh are settled and financial secure; they live 5 mins from one set of grandparents and 30 mins from the other set plus aunt/uncle.

2) They are CRAZY about dd and dd is crazy about them. She practically swoons whenever her aunt visits. SIL is so completely engaged with dd when they play--she's attentive, involved, interested.

3) We feel strongly about having dd know her religious/ethnic heritage (although we don't feel strongly about her having particular religious beliefs) and we know that SIL would educate her about it and make it part of her life.

SIL is a very gentle and caring caregiver. However, she does not share our strong feelings about bfing and circumcision and she vaxes, while we don't. We share many values, but not all of them--SIL is way, way more mainstream than we are. Now that dd is not a baby, though, many of the things that seemed like potential big issues no longer seem to be. For us, having dd live with relative with whom she's close and feels safe, who lives nearest to the extended family, and who I feel, without question, would love her as much as one of her own kids, was more important than whether or not dd ultimately ends up, say, getting vaccinations.

All you can do, really, is rank your issues--figure out what's negotiable and what's not--and find the best fit possible.

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

this is a very good question and i will tell you that i get a lot of anxiety about our personal situation. Since my parents are deceased and all dh's family are in India it was hard to choose someone that both dh and i agreed on. We finally decided on one of my aunts for a few reasons, it was a 2 parent household, they were buying their own home, they have older kids that aren't too far apart in age of our ds, and i was pretty close to my aunt at the time. Now fast forward and ds in 4 years, and for the past year we have been trying to find a new guardian because i no longer feel close to this aunt, i don't feel welcome at her home, and she has began throwing weekly parties with lots of alcohol, late nights for the kids etc. But again dh and i are having a hard time finding another we can both agree on. I am close to my sister, but she is a single mom of 3 and i am not too happy with her parenting of her own and she is not too financially responsible. My dh is an atheist and he doesn't want to consider my good friend from college because she is baptist, ah it is hard, but just remember, reevaluate every 4-5 years or with any major family change for either you or the guardian!

We have not legally appointed the above aunt as guardian, but i did ask her and she is the beneficiary of our life insurance policies. I think at this point that is a lot that eats me up inside, that she has shown obvious disregard for my ds, (don't want to go into details right now) and that if something happened to use she would definitely get our life insurance money, but i am not sure if it is all said and done if she would take ds, and if she did, if she would raise him up well since her demeanor has drastically changed.

ETA:

My dh has a friend from work who is the same ethnicity and he is a great guy, but his wife works all the time and they have 2 almost 3 littles ones, that i am hestitant to have them be guardians, plus they have heavy accents that my family would have a hard time with, unlike my friend from college.

Would you all choose a single person? I have considered a couple other aunts that are single. And is age really a problem? I mean the older people? I thought generally if parents died the kids went to the grandparents? Like I said that is out for us, but some of my aunts are in their 50's that i could consider and i have some also as young as mid 30's. Then there is my 1 cousin who i have discussed the issue with who is recently married, she is 22 and she would consider being his guardian, but her husband is military and they are about to move 9 hours away...Grhh. Glad you all started this thread, anyone have any suggestions for me too, lol!

[Smithie]

"For me, it wasn't so much about rasing DS the same way, but that he would be loved and well taken care of. Occasional junk food, stricter rules around the house, or even a different faith, I feel would be less important than having a pre-existing bond with DS."



We did rule out any relatives who are known to use hellfire as a threat. But really, those people would have been off the list for other, non-dogma-related reasons anyhow.

It took us a few years to get over the notion that we could find a "perfect" replacement for us, i.e. a friend or relative who would make exactly the sames choices we'd make for the next 18 years. Ain't gonna happen. So love and household stability are the criteria we have employed.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Smithie

We did rule out any relatives who are known to use hellfire as a threat. But really, those people would have been off the list for other, non-dogma-related reasons anyhow.

Us, too.

Back to the age thing. Some grandparents are young and have vitality... they may very well have 15 or so great years ahead of them to raise your kid. However, I thinks it a burden on the children if they have deal with aging grandparents as they enter college themselves. My parents and in-laws are still on the 60's side of things but they have poor health. So, no ... that won't do.

On to single people.. take these folks one by one. Some singles get very much into their ruts and their space. Your child, no matter how loved will be an invader to that calm and order of their lives. Other singles welcome new folks and new challenges to their lives.. these folks could handle the temporary interruption that is child-rearing.