Originally Posted by ChristyMarie
I'm so sorry.
Having BTDT more times than I care to remember, often friends don't know what to say so instead they withdraw and say nothing. Kinda sucks.
Feel free to discuss your feelings on here as much as you need. Often the only ones who will understand are the ones who have been in your shoes. Depending on your circumstances you may want to check out the pregnancy loss and/or infertility forum for those who know exactly where you are right now.
2.5 months isn't that long ago and I think it is only natural that you are still grieving. Please know that in time it does get easier. Also, a little warning, it can get much worse around your due date. Just be prepared, ok?
Thank you so much.
I've been to the other forums here, and the ladies there are wonderful. I was due in December, and it's going to be a very trying month to get through.
Originally Posted by laohaire
I'm sorry. I've poured my heart out and gotten nothing or "not much" before too.
One possibility is that they care and fully intend to reply, but defer it. "Wow, she feels bad, I need to send her something heartfelt, and I have some ideas. But right now I gotta get the baby to bed/I'm just not feeling mentally sharp/I need to look something up/whatever." And life intervenes and they don't get to it.
Or, a similar possibility, that they just want to say exactly the right thing and worry too much to actually send it.
Or, they care but don't know what to say. I'm guilty of that one. When my SIL miscarried, I didn't even send a card. I had NO IDEA how to react. Some people MISTAKENLY think it might be rude or disturbing to even mention it. I am older and wiser now and have figured out the obvious: if a person shares the news with you, they don't want to keep it a secret and they want to talk about it. (This idea finally came to light in my head when I found out SIL had a tattoo to memorialize her daughter... if it's printed on her skin forever, I realized, she doesn't want to "just forget about it.") I promise you I'm generally a caring person even if I'm made some huge mistakes, and my lack of caring response to my SIL was all about me being stupid and not about me not caring.
But I have learned not to expect much from people. I do depend (too much probably) on MDC to share my emotions, because there is a self-selection going on. The people who don't understand or care about my feelings will not reply. Fine - I won't even know about it, really. But there is almost always someone on here who can relate, or is at least kind enough to reply.
Thank you! I think I have my standards set a bit high, and need to relax them a bit. I can see all those scenarios happening, as they have small kids & busy lives.
MDC has been my main source of support through this, and I appreciate it so, so much.
Originally Posted by AbbieB
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I think miscarriage is a very misunderstood thing in our culture. We have culturally been given the idea that it's no big deal. Women are expected to move on a get over it with no difficulty. But that is not true at all.
I bet you really surprised your friends when you let them know that you honestly were not doing so well. I'm sure that they did not reply because they had no clue what to say and forgot that even a cyber hug is a good place to start.
Maybe you could send another email to your friends and say something like, "I could really use a hug now that you know what's going on. Just knowing you are thinking of me helps a lot."
Thank you! Before it happened to me, I thought it was no big deal either. But now, my life is forever changed, my views on most things is different now.
I don't want to seem too needy or desperate for attention by sending another message, but I also want them to know how I'm really feeling, so I don't know what to do.