wwyd--mil visit

[mamallama]

My in-laws live in another state. So, on Monday my mil was passing through our city, and came by to visit us. We'd been planning on this for a week or so.

When she arrived, she tossed out the idea that dh & the kids could hop on the plane with her and go back to her home for a short visit (dh's work schedule is non-traditional, Monday was the first day of his three days off). If they were to do this, they would be leaving in 3 hours. I have obligations that I cannot just skip out on a whim, so it was understood that I could not go.

I realize this post sounds incredibly privileged; my dh works for an airline & the flights are free & limitless...it's not like anyone has the money to actually buy tickets!

Anyway, our children are 2 and 4.

Mil is very adept at manipulating situations , she always has been. She really set it up so that I would be wrong if I objected. Well, I still objected.

Our 2 year old is nursing. She's never travelled without me. She's 2; she gets overwhelmed by her emotions sometimes, and dh doesn't handle it as well as I'd like. I said that she absolutely could not go, but if dh wanted to visit his parents that was fine, and it was also ok if he took our 4 year old. So he did it.

It really put me in a bad spot, because I was counting on him to take care of the kids while I took a friend & her new baby to the clinic one day and had lunch with my grandmother at the casino another day. I didn't want to take our two year old to wait at the clinic for hours, and I had to cancel plans with my grandma. We were both disappointed. Of course, if I'd just let the 2 yr old go I could have been free and clear to do whatever I wanted.

What I want to know is--would you have let your 2 year old make that trip? Would anyone have gone?

[Parker'smommy]

heck no!! Especially since she is nursing. I cant imagine letting my 2 year old who is nursing going away for even a night without me. He would freak out.

I think you made the right decsion. But because I had previously made plans that needed dh's help and the fact that he can get time off another time and the flight is free I would have insisted he not go. But of course I wasnt there to hear how mil manipulated things so I can talk all I want.

Make the best of your weekend alone with your 2 year old and talk to dh about what you expect to happen next time this happens.

[lilyka]

I would have let my 2 year old go BUT so far all of my 2 year olds would have been fine doing it. and my dh is very good with her. the point is you didn't feel like your 2 year old was ready for htis and you shouldn't do anything you are not comfortable with.

And I think you would have been well within your rights to remind dh that he had promised youhe would spend time with the family and help you with some things. He too had obligations to fulfil that weekend.

You said youself he could hop on a plane any time and visit his mom. It isn't like this was a one shot deal. I have no problem reminding my dh that he made r a promise to spend time with all of us on his days off. And your dh should have asked you what you thought.

[Dragonfly]

Originally posted by lilyka
And I think you would have been well within your rights to remind dh that he had promised youhe would spend time with the family and help you with some things. He too had obligations to fulfil that weekend.

[Elphaba]

Yeah, I would have said "Sorry, we have plans this week that can't be changed. Let's look at the calendar and find another week that would work for all of us."

[mamallama]

Thank you for your thoughts, mamas.

Dd and I have had a fabulous time home alone! We've read a ton of books, played with water on the kitchen floor & eaten ice cream in bed!

My mil drives me right up the wall. She's so subtle about being self-serving.

Dh did ask my opinion, and I did remind him that he had obligations...but they way mil set it up made it sound like he would be doing me a huge favor by taking the kids.

So my inconvenience was my own fault because I didn't want our younger dd to go along....

[lotusdebi]

*

[Irishmommy]

What Lilyka and Elphaba said. In that situation, I would have also told dh he couldn't go!

[momto l&a]

I wouldnt have let anybody go IMO.

Your MIL sounds way to controling espcially if she knew you couldnt go.

[layla]

I'm with everyone else, here, I'd have brought up dh's responsibilities and gotten the calendar so they could find another date.

[QueeTheBean]

Re: wwyd--mil visit

Originally posted by mamallama
What I want to know is--would you have let your 2 year old make that trip? Would anyone have gone?

No freakin way! My MIL sounds similar--she's always asking DS behind our backs if he wants to come sleep over at her house. DS always tells me and then says "I told her I couldn't go, I'd miss my mama too much"

Regardless of the kids' ages, I just think it was rude to ask on such short notice & make you look like the bad guy. Like holding out a big bag of candy & saying "you can have it if your mom says yes". Huh?

Then again, I am the total opposite of spontaneous, so even the thought of this makes me cringe. : Even if someone said--y"ou've won an all-expense trip to Hawaii, but you have to leave in 3 hours", I'd be nutso!

Glad you are having fun with DD!!

[anothermama]

You know your MIL better than us, so if you think she was being kind of maniputlative, I assume she was. That said, since she was maybe being maniputlative, you're totally right to be upset.
I wouldn't have let my 2 year old go anyways and I just think that it's kind of odd to dis-include you like that anyhow.

I also agree with the other posters.......I would have pulled my DH aside and said that I didn't want him to go either.

[mamallama]

Mil would never actually hold up a big bag of candy (people would see right through that,) but that's the gist of it. She's much more underhanded.

Perfect illustration: She drinks too much. I never let her babysit. One day when my oldest dd was about 11mos old I had a scheduling conflict--family picnic & best friend's bridal shower. Mil asked me in front of a bunch of people in a way I couldn't refuse without being deeply offensive if she could take dd to the picnic, and then I could join them when I was able. I had to say yes. I told myself there would be plenty of other people there to help take care of my baby, and it would only be for an hour or two. Ha. When I got there (two hours after the party started,) mil was plastered--slurring her speech and stumbling--and my child was in the oh-so-capable hands of a six year old. Mil laughed it off "so this is why you don't want me to babysit," all while painting me as a neurotic and overbearing mother. Lesson learned. I'm not so afraid of offending her now.

dh thinks his mother walks on water, so as much as I'd like to, I can't categorically shoot down every scheme she hatches. I choose my arguments. This time I wasn't confident in my choice...I mean, there was no chance my 2yr old was going, but after I agreed to dh going, I regretted it.

The thing about mil is that she always makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable...even though I know I'm not.

*edited for redundancy

[Quickening]

:LOL Ok, if it was me in your shoes and my mil....


I wouldnt let anyone go : ) Like the others said, DH has responsibilities and MIL is NOT EVER EVER EVER going to be allowed to have any of our children for night stays or day visits without us around - that is, both of us!

[Piglet68]

ITA with lilyka.

While DH is fabulous with DD, she still nurses at night and would do well apart from me at this time. There is just no way I would let her go.

Also, your DH wrecked your plans and it sounds like he is free to do these trips any time he has the time, and you could know in advance.

I'm glad you are having fun with your little one though. That's a plus side - having special time alone!

[moondiapers]

Originally posted by mamallama

Perfect illustration: She drinks too much. I never let her babysit. One day when my oldest dd was about 11mos old I had a scheduling conflict--family picnic & best friend's bridal shower. Mil asked me in front of a bunch of people in a way I couldn't refuse without being deeply offensive if she could take dd to the picnic, and then I could join them when I was able. I had to say yes. I told myself there would be plenty of other people there to help take care of my baby, and it would only be for an hour or two. Ha. When I got there (two hours after the party started,) mil was plastered--slurring her speech and stumbling--and my child was in the oh-so-capable hands of a six year old. Mil laughed it off "so this is why you don't want me to babysit," all while painting me as a neurotic and overbearing mother. Lesson learned. I'm not so afraid of offending her now.

Why are you worried about what other people think. She's the one that would look bad when you said "I'm sorry MIL, but I'm not comfortable with that. You know that you tend to drink too much at these gatherings."

Your child's wellbeing is a lot more important than how you look.
-Heather

[campingmumma]

WWID? Sorry, not on such short notice - unless your family travels regularly in such a manner.

[Red]

I think you did exactly the right thing! If you had said Dh and your 4 yo couldn't go, you'd have been the bad guy, No matter how difficult this woman is, she's your dh's mother. You need to respect the relationship if not the person.

So, keeping the 2 yo home was perfect. It screwed up your plans a bit, but you can reschedule. I'd actually go along with a smile! Be gracious! Tell Dh to have a great time.

Is dh gonna dare to freak when you wnat to...whatever you might want to do? Not when you can say, "hey, don't I always go along with your plans?"

I'd also be clear, in fact, I'd be pretty obnoxious about the fact that NO drunk was watching my kids. If she can't stay sober, you don't have to worry about being offensive. I guess this is called picking your battles.

[mamallama]

Heather, it's more about my relationship with my husband, and not so much about my vanity.

My husband sees his mother's faults, but he wants a relationship with her so badly that he's willing to overlook them. My husband is basically a healthy person and a good partner and a good father. This is my one issue with him. I don't come down like a sledgehammer on it because it's a two way street. He treats me and my relationships with respect; I owe him the same in return.

[moondiapers]

My husband has similar problems with his family. The way that we made it work, after a few blunders, was to come to an understanding. Our understanding was that, since I could see things as an outsider looking in, I would be the one to oversee the children's relationship with his parents. His relationship with them was completely separate, and one had nothing to do with the other. This way I would look like the mean one if the kids couldn't go with them. Eventually he cut off contact with them because he began to see how bad they were for our children.

But my point is, you child's safety is the MOST important thing, and allowing a child of yours to go off with someone you know is a drunk would make you equally responsible if your child was seriously injured or killed. I know it's a touchy situation with inlaws and making an entire family unhappy with you, but she's counting on that to get her way. She knows you won't want to look bad. Once she figures out that you only care about your children, and not how she can make you look bad in front of others, she might be a bit easier to handle. Passive agressive people are realllly hard to handle, and I feel for you.

There is a wealth of experience and good advice about things on Babycenter's Dealing with the InLaws board. http://bbs.babycenter.com/board/baby/babyfamily/6687

The people on this board have collectively had every experience imaginable with their inlaws. YOu'll get advice from the most diplomatic, to the most fed up persons.

I'm sorry if I cam off really harsh. I didn't mean to. I have three major rules in my life, and the one that applies in this situation is #2. People only treat you as badly as you allow them to.

-Heather